<p>I just happened upon this thread for the first time today, and I’m floored at the gall of the in-laws. They might otherwise be wonderful people, but asking for money from their kids and their spouses, while having two homes, a recreational boat, and long vacations, is a greedy & arrogant shakedown. Period.</p>
<p>The fact that nobody has slapped these folks upside the head is even more shocking, unless…</p>
<p>…there’s got to me more to this story than you’re letting on. Did they save somebody’s hide 15 years ago? Buy one of you your house? Fund the grandkids’ educations? Something??? Anything???</p>
<p>If not, I’d use the “shakedown money” to buy your own 2nd home, your own recreational boat, and your own taxes and utilities. And then say “Oops! We can’t afford the boat anymore and we’re falling behind on our payments. Please send us money.”</p>
<p>Better yet, give me their address and I’ll ask them. For me.</p>
<p>I give my parents a set sum every month. I am not sacrificing anything for it and it is part of my culture. My parents do not live better than us. It almost sounds like the op’s in laws do, though I can be wrong. </p>
<p>It will bug me a little if I am sacrificing my life style to enable my parents to live better than I do. It already bug me a little that my mother gives money to one brother, who lives way better than I do. I (and the rest of the siblings) think we are indirectly subsidizing the life style of the brother who lives better than the rest of us.</p>
<p>HUGE red flag! If your kids are getting need-based aid, or may eventually need it, DO NOT take ownership of a vacation home, especially part ownership!!</p>
<p>I cannot stress this too much. We were severely dinged last year in FA by a few schools because my H owns 1/3 of a vacation property with siblings that he cannot sell OR borrow against. Nevertheless, some schools expected us to be able to kick in 1/4 of the value of his share per year: an amount at least 5X our EFC, and at the time well over 2/3 of our income! We had absolutely no ability to get at this money and insufficient income to borrow it.</p>
<p>If my S had chosen to go to one of those schools, he would be forced to withdraw next year because our ability to support his tuition through home equity loans has been severely compromised.</p>
<p>My question exactly. As has been mentioned, the belief that there is not enough money can sometimes be attributed to a change in the person’s mental state. If your husband and his siblings start sending the checks, they are validating their father’s belief that he needs this money. If the financial planner says otherwise, it may be upsetting and confusing to FIL when the checks stop coming. </p>
<p>Setting up a big family meeting takes time. Why not have your H or one of his siblings set up a meeting with a trust financial advisor or lawyer who specializes in this asap? Only one sibling need go with your parents and that sibling can report to the rest. Or if the siblings all live too far away and his parents give the okay, the planner can simply report on the meeting to all the siblings. </p>
<p>All I know for sure is that the longer we put off dealing with things directly and with all the facts on the table, the harder it was as my mother’s parents aged.</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota - You need that family meeting — badly. Otherwise the next letter from FIL will likely request a significantly larger amount, to make up for non-contributing siblings.</p>
<p>Meaning no disrespect to anyone, your FIL is out-of-touch with reality IMHO. Add my voice to those who are appalled at his demand, considering his considerable assets.</p>
<p>My kids are fine as far as regular college expenses go. Both have merit scholarships and one an athletic plus we have saved for their normal “expected” college costs. We would never qualify for FA. No, they have never lent or given us money. Expecting Ds to go on for further education so that is what we continue saving for and to recoup what we have lost in the economic downturn. I meant to say H will pay after the sit down with a planner. Sorry! </p>
<p>FIL is fine emotionally and mentally. LOL! Just doesn’t want to give up the good life! ;)</p>
<p>There is more to the story that I just found out after talking with the D, my SIL. She hadn’t bothered to read the letter until I called and was surprised that she didn’t have to contribute as much as her brothers. We had a good laugh as she told me we would be contributing to her girls going to Disney World with the grandparents in ApriL!!! WHAT???She called her mom and cancelled. Now grandma is upset. Jeez…what a disaster! Trying to get everyone together this weekend to talk.</p>
<p>Wow. Just wow. Good for you and your SIL for at least getting a laugh out of it. I think it’s great that your MIL is upset. They need their world shaken up a little.</p>
<p>Your husband and his siblings need to explain kindly to your in-laws that they need to make changes to their lifestyle. Period. Just say no. Otherwise this problem will escalate, and when the in-laws really need help you won’t be able to give it. Keep it very simple for them. </p>
<p>Your husband and his brothers may feel a little guilty, but take the al anon approach. Your in-laws are living an unsustainable lifestyle, and they need to experience the consequences of that to learn to control their spending. It’s not that they’re going to starve, or be homeless. They just need to make some financial choices, and they won’t do that if you “rescue” them. Don’t buy the vacation house, don’t give them money, give them financial advice only if asked. Good luck!</p>
<p>This sounds wacky to me. There must be something about the parents’ financial situation the OP doesn’t know (like they’re fending off creditors and tax collectors left and right or they’ve taken a big hit in the stock market and they’re panicking) or the parents need help managing the money and other assets they do have. It sounds like, whatever the problem, the parents need help figuring out how to go forward. A good financial planner, or tax advisor, seems like a good place to start.</p>
<p>Oh, I’d PAY to be the Moderator at that meeting! How about this for an opening? “FIL is asking for $750/month from each son. It appears that Son#1 has been paying $850/month for taxes and insurance on the vacation home. To even this out Son#2 needs to be paying FIL half of this, making his share $1175/month. Everyone agree?”</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota, I read your posts, but I did not read all of the replies. I think that you should put your foot down. I think that your inlaws are being very inconsiderate and selfish. In your initial post, you said that you had several different feelings and one is guilt. Why? I think that either your FIL should be told that he needs to continue to work, and sell his boat, or he needs to sell the vacation home, depending upon how the numbers work! Jeez! I think that you should tell him that you are not asking him for money, and that you never have, but that you are in need of the money because your children need it of their education, you need it for your retirement, and that you need to put something aside for weddings. Also, the D should pay equally if you do decide as a family to contribute anything at all. He has his health, he is living above his means and he wants his kids to fund this! Plus, now he doesn’t even want to work for any of the money. It is ridiculous.</p>
<p>Ahhh, misery loves company!! I sooo feel for you, NorthMinnesota. Sounds like you read my thread on my moocher BIL and the thread by worriedmom about her BIL needing a huge loan. </p>
<p>Can I anticipate the next step by the parents for you? Are they the type that will try to use veiled threats of a change in their will if their kids don’t step up to the plate as per this dictum? Would they suggest that they might reallocate their will according to who helps the most (and therefore who might have greatest ownership in their “toys”?)</p>
<p>If you and your H have a good relationship with his sibs, I totally agree, that if all of you can stand politely firm and not let the in-laws divide and conquer, advising them that none of you were prepared to take on this financial committment and none of you sees the need to own the vacation home down the road, so the best thing for them to do would be for them to sell the vacation home and boat and solve their cashflow problems that way. You are all terribly sorry you cant be of greater help at this time, but in these difficult financial times it just isnt manageable. And all of you would like to have your finances set such that if some medical emergency arose and they needed financial help at that time, that you would all be in a better position to do so at that time. </p>
<p>Asking someone else to fund one’s exhorbitant lifestyle is just low class. But of course this is a hot button for me, given my experience with my uncle and my BIL. As an aside, I just lent my fa a large chunk of cash, but the difference is, he doesn’t even know about it. He has had expenses that his cashflow cannot handle, and his limited savings are being depleted. In this situation I am happy to open my checkbook and take care of it. In the other circumstances, no way.</p>
<p>Cremation is not for everyone, but my spouse’s cremation and mortuary services, etc. cost $2200, including a nice container for the ashes, death certificates, and various fees and such. The memorial service was held at a friend’s home who also catered it. I know that this would not suffice for many folks, but it worked well for our family and did not present a burden financially.</p>
<p>In my state of NJ, the Funeral industry has paid lots of $$ to politicians to insure that even a simple cremation costs lots. How? By NJ law a body has to be embalmed within 24 hours after death. As a result cremations are done on embalmed bodies ( needlessly costing thousands extra to those that can least afford it.) Ridiculous and hurtful to be sure. But very profitable to them.</p>
<p>Wow, the differences we share on CC! Good sons and daughters and parents in different cultures behave so differently. My dad would chew his right arm off before accepting money from one of his kids (that depression-era Texas thing). And as for Mom taking money from one sib and giving it to another - I can’t even imagine such a thing. My brother wouldn’t take it. My mother wouldn’t take it from me unless she had huge bills she couldn’t cover. We Scotts-Irish must be kind of cheap… On the other hand, we can’t ask for money help unless it’s life or death.
Or maybe there’s a difference in viewing cash gifts (which I was brought up to believe were kind of tacky and less thoughtful than gifts of items) in other cultures.
My ancestors probably starved alone in their own hovels…</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota, I agree with those who’ve recommended a financial planner for your inlaws. You, your H and his siblings need to understand their finances before agreeing to give them anything, IMO.</p>
<p>Maybe they should fill out a senior citizen version of FAFSA to determine their “demonstrated need”. ;)</p>
<p>OK, family meeting on Saturday here at our house after lots of phone calls! Looks like ILs want to live at vacation home, took out reverse mortgage on other home. Think I’ll serve some stiff drinks! Will report back! :)</p>
<p>Tough crowd! We don’t know enough details about the vacation house to make blanket statements. Sometimes vacation homes are something to try to keep in the family, especially if they go back two or three generations, or are a way to keep the generations and extended family together. (Though, obviously, not if it bankrupts the family.) And if the grandparents now use the home infrequently, but their grown children are there every weekend with their families, an arrangement whereby maintenance expenses are passed on to the kids while ownership remains with the parents is not that unusual. </p>
<p>However, if the vacation home has become a financial drain on the family, then obviously it’s a good place to cut back. Same with the 6-week vacations. Sounds like it’s transition time for the OP’s inlaws. </p>
<p>If the OP’s mother-in-law has not been involved in marital finances, and financial decisions and oversight have always been her husband’s domain, that would not be terribly unusual for their generation. Seems like it’s time for them to get on the same page, though, and hammer out which parts of their lifestyle are most important for them and which they can cut. A good financial planner will be adept at facilitating this type of discussion. The FIL may be living in denial and both parents may be operating from a “let’s live the good life while we can” mentality. They also appear to have a warped perspective in asking for financial assistance for their present lifestyle, which implies that even more financial assistance may be needed in the future for serious needs such as medical care. </p>
<p>Regarding the in-law’s decision to move full-time to the vacation home, are there maintenance issues or improvements that would need to be made to make it livable four seasons? If so, who would pay? Is the vacation home near decent medical care, will it be manageable for them if their mobility is impaired, are there emergency services in the area who could respond quickly if needed? Are other family members near by? I am envisioning a lake cabin in a summer area.</p>
<p>Hooray for the OP’s sister-in-law regarding cancelling the trip to Disney World! She did the right thing and called them out. For the parents to be asking for help in November, while planning to host grandchildren at Disney World in April, perfectly illustrates their need for a reality check.</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota - Another vote here for two rounds of drinks before discussing finances. Those will help a lot when FIL announces that proceeds from the recent reverse-mortgages were “invested” in a larger boat! </p>
<p>But really, best of luck with the meeting. Think of it as the beginning of a journey. (I’m entering year sixteen of mine.)</p>