<p>Interesting. One thing occurs to me that hasn’t been raised yet:</p>
<p>I think that, for most of us, we grew up in our nuclear family and now – as parents – left that first nest and are busy taking care of the new nuclear family we have created with our spouse and our own children. On CC, we bemoan the “empty nest” syndrome, we miss our kids, but we also let them move on, while we try and create a new, different life for ourselves.</p>
<p>In some cultures, or in some families, “empty nest” is really just a temporary situation. It’s expected that children will return to live, if not at home, then close to home. I’ve worked with people who lived in two-family homes, with their parents or the in-laws on the other side of the house. </p>
<p>It may be the case that NorthMinnesota’s in-laws view the extended family in this way – that is, they don’t expect that the adult children like NorthMinnesota will “separate” and move away for their own lives; they expect that they (the in-laws) will continue to be the head of the extended family and, therefore, everyone is responsible for helping them, taking care of them, and financially supporting them.</p>
<p>Not saying I agree with it, but it isn’t that unusual in some cultures.</p>
<p>The fact that the daughter is not being asked to contribute on the same terms as the sons leads me to wonder if there are some gender role assumptions driving this. The FIL may assume that the sons have primary (if not total) control over the household finances, while the daughter is dependent on her husband. He would only make an assumption like that if that’s how he and his wife deal with their finances. Perhaps he does not share financial info with his wife, she is making spending decisions (such as the Disneyworld trip) without having a good grasp of their situation, and he feels honor-bound to support her “in the style to which she is accustomed.” Also, he may feel that selling his boat/vacation home or cutting back in some other way is a reflection on his capabilities as a provider. Something similar happened in our extended family, and the results weren’t pretty. Good luck!</p>
<p>If your in-laws were impoverished, had been wiped out by the economic downturn and even living frugally just couldn’t afford their medicare supplement and their heating costs, I’d have different advice BUT asking for a monthly stipend so they can take your nieces to Disneyworld and maintain two homes and a boat for Pete’s sake?!? The issue here is not evaluating the right thing to do; the right thing to do kind of jumps off the page. The issue is that if you do the right thing to ensure your own future, take care of your children, and make sure that you will not be dependent on your children some day, the in-laws will potentially be very upset and angry. While their other sons may be willing to pay up to keep their parents happy and prevent a hissy fit, that does not mean that you and your H have to participate in high-priced hissy fit prevention. You don’t need a united front here if your bil’s don’t agree to say no. The notion of having a financial planner help the in-laws scale back and live within their means is a good one, but it is entirely possible that they are perfectly well able to figure out the situation and budget (fil was able to figure out exactly how much additional money he required per month to be able to continue his discretionary spending on your dime) but just don’t want to.</p>
<p>OP, I’m wondering how it is that your H and his siblings all live within their means, but their parents seemingly don’t. Did your H and his siblings all learn fiscal moderation because that’s how your in-laws used to live? Or is this generation’s prudence due to the older generation being free-spending?</p>
<p>I have a feeling that no matter what you decide to do, you won’t please your inlaws, so do what’s best for your family.</p>
<p>This sit. reminds me a bit of my FIL - not that he asked for anything, it was all his to spend, but he went on a spending spree in his last 6 months of life, after being tight as a drum for decades. He was recently widowed and trying to impress the first woman he proposed to.</p>
<p>My inlaws have a lake house in Minnesota…they have this idea of “keeping it in the family” so all the kids can “share it” when they pass on. I so hope they change their minds and sell it before they pass on. We never go up there amd have no desire to pay a quarter of the expenses on the place.</p>
<p>A not-uncommon scenario. I remember a friend’s father who retired at 55, moved to FL, and blew the life savings his deceased wife had stinted herself to accumulate within a year or two. Then he had to look forward to living in a greatly reduced way for the next 20 or 30 years. Idiot.</p>
<p>I know of numerous other less extreme examples.</p>
<p>I can imagine a situation where the vacation house and the boat would not sell today, at all or for anything close to what they were recently worth, so perhaps it’s true that the parents really are in financial straits. Maybe the FIL feels that he will be leaving the vacation house to all the kids eventually and justifies things that way. Still sounds like a bunch of spending that shouldn’t be taking place at a time like this. I agree - that meeting is essential. Once you have a better handle on the circumstances, hopefully things will be clearer. Good luck.</p>
<p>Sounds like another reverse mortgage on the vacation house is in order. If there’s a member of the family who wants the house after their deaths, they can be the bank.</p>
<p>Good luck to you OP. Some of these posts brought to mind more unhappy memories of my nuclear family and finances, which I had forgotten. That’s the key word here, forgotten. I hope this resolves, and that you can move on and eventually forget it. I am for less spending for your in-laws.</p>
<p>Just came across this thread. I question the fact that, what happens when parents are older, incapacitated and really need the kids help? I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for parents that make these requests of their kids when it isn’t necessary. I would practice little tough love and say NO. Remember, your family and children come first. I’m sure this was there philosophy when they were raising their own family. Good luck.</p>
<p>I just have one question: As you were growing up did your parents every stretch the budget to give you things (music, dance, golf lessons) that they “really” couldn’t afford? Did they put themselves into debt to give you the college education, summer camp, trip to…(fill in the blank) that they didn’t get? (I’m sorry if you someone who’s parents didn’t sacrifice for them and you are married to someone who’s parents did sacrifice for your spouse.) Did they spend time/effort/lose money coming to watch you and your siblings play baseball, football just so you would know how special you are?</p>
<p>Sorry, I’m not for funding a 20th trip to Europe for the parents, but it was my privilege to help my parents when they were alive (and I wasn’t privileged in anyway as a kid, I helped to support them from the time I was 12). I would do it again in a nanosecond. And as for my in laws? They raised my husband, paid for his education so that he could become the professional that he is today. Should they need it, we’ll be there, as best we can, immediately. And lest you think that I do not know of what I speak: we are helping a close relative who did “waste” his money chasing his dream. It’s called family…it’s called teaching your kids about life, charity, not making foolish choices, and justice.</p>
<p>I agree with helping family, but there is a limit. I would not jeopardize my family for the frivolity of a parent or inlaw. I would help in a nanosecond for the genuine needs of a person, not to maintain a lifestyle that I don’t even have.
Sorry.</p>
<p>I agree with milkandsugar. There is a big difference between supporting a vacation home and a boat, and helping a parent pay for necessary things like a heating bill, or medication that is not being covered through insurance.</p>
<p>Plus merely doling out cash doesn’t help the parents with the real problem–they need to find a standard of living that is sustainable with their current income and assets.</p>
<p>Man, I keep checking this thread to see how things went…almost as much torture as waiting for ED results.</p>