Do any people on the forum have experience choosing a “less prestigious” school which is a better fit vs. a “more prestigious” school? There are some that would advise that applicants should go to the “best” brand that accepts them, regardless of whether its a fit or whether it might be stressful to keep up academically. What do people think about being a big fish in a small pond vs. a big fish in a big pond?
I wouldn’t listen to that advice. High school is tough enough without being additionally miserable at a place that’s a bad fit.
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With our encouragement, our daughter only applied to “good fit” boarding schools, and in fact we ultimately decided part of that analysis was geographic. It didn’t matter at all to us that meant she was not applying to many highly-selective, well-known boarding schools where she would probably have had a good chance of at least some offers. In that sense, we already decided at the list-formation stage she would not be going to any of the “most prestigious” schools as defined in certain circles (although I might question some of how people think about that).
My thinking is informed by a couple things.
First, I know enough about childhood development and its relationship to future life outcomes to think that stacking the odds in favor of a reasonably challenging but also social, healthy, and generally happy high school experience is a very good idea.
Second, at this point I have seen enough information about things like college admissions to be extremely skeptical that there is much “brand” value in the crude sense that the name on your sweatshirt automatically gives you a “boost”.
What I do think is true is if you are interested in highly-selective holistic-review college admissions, it helps if your high school has plenty of college-level advanced classes that colleges will trust, meaning they will be confident you are in fact doing college-level work in those classes. It helps if your high school makes it possible for you to develop close relationships with caring teachers and whoever will write your counselor recommendation. It helps if it has lots of opportunities for kids to explore their interests, and take on important roles eventually in whatever ends up being their favorite activities. It helps if your high school has a culture of holistic development, not just academically but also socially, physically, ethically, and so on. And it helps if your high school has well-staffed college counseling, including the sorts of counselors who can really help motivated students and parents understand the full range of options that might suit them.
To be very blunt, a complete package like that is expensive to offer, and so in the broader context of the US secondary school system, many high schools don’t do all that. But the list of schools that do have the resources to do all that is not limited to 5, or 10, or so on. It is a lot longer than that.
If both School A and School B offer all that, then I think what happens with colleges and such is all about the kid, as it really should be. Whatever aptitudes and interests they develop, whatever makes sense for them in terms of a college experience, they will be able to get multiple offers to consider regardless of which they pick.
As long as they actually thrive at the school.
But if they DON’T thrive at the school? Then all that can be seriously undermined, sometimes catastrophically (like when kids experience serious stress-related mental or physical health crises).
I know some people then try to convince themselves that there is something extra they can get out of just the name on the sweatshirt. I really just don’t believe it. Of course you can look up college admissions statistics, but you’d have to control all that for self-selection, hooks (including legacy, faculty, athletic, and “dean’s list” stuff), pay status, natural aptitude for standardized testing, and so on. I truly believe once you did that, then it would become apparent that the sweatshirt thing wasn’t an advantage.
indeed, I know some kids/parents who ended up thinking it might well have hurt them with the most selective colleges to choose the most selective high school. That’s just as dicey in the sense you would have to do all those controls to assess those claims too. But the bottomline is I do not think there is a clear case it makes any material difference.
OK, so that’s my two cents. If you can swing it financially, a school that meets all those criteria is definitely nice, but there are many schools that meet those criteria that are not among the “most prestigious”. And then once you are looking at those schools, I think everything should be about where your kid, as a unique individual, is mostly likely to thrive. “Prestige” at that point is, to me, almost always a rationalization for considering doing something you really should not be doing. It might still work out fine, but it is very unlikely to really be better, and the risk is sometimes it ends up really badly.
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Both of my daughters chose the “best school for us” rather than the “best school,” mainly because of cost and location. They both plan to attend grad school after undergrad (my oldest starts med school this fall), so keeping costs down matters a lot. In addition, being at a near home university is also great for extracurricular activities for them and family support if they need help.
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Depends upon the particular schools, the student, and the student’s interests and needs.
An easier example might focus on colleges & universities in light of the student’s intended major.
With respect to prep boarding schools/prep day schools, there was a reason that the student applied to each school, therefore a general rule governing all situations doesn’t make sense.
One would think! And yet, there have been a few kids now in the M10 thread who have been saying something like they only got into one of their boarding schools, and they are not sure if they want to go there.
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Good point, but this could occur with any school on one’s list (Imposter Syndrome type thoughts regarding elite schools and Groucho Marx thought of “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me” for other schools).
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Yeah, and on reflection, in general I was actually not being sufficiently understanding in my tone in that post.
The truth is I totally get how people can evolve during this process, and in fact I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid getting to a point where they decide maybe some school they once thought could be good really isn’t a good choice for them after all.
In that sense, maybe sometimes the right answer to the OP’s question is “none of the above”, assuming of course there is a viable alternative. Like maybe at the HS level, this means sticking with a current school, or going to their feeder public. Maybe at the college level they take a gap year. Because forcing yourself to attend a selective school when you don’t think you will thrive there is not a great idea.
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Nice post.
I’ve seen kids have a miserable September/October in 8th grade who decide (with their parents) that “getting out of dodge” is the solution. But if they are already in a high standards/high performing school (public or private) the notion of “trading down” academically for a better social fit doesn’t sit comfortably.
And then by May the kid has a nice group of friends, falls in love with musical theater or graphic novels or fencing or has joined a junior bowling league with a bunch of great kids from the other side of town (who will be in the same HS even though different middle school) and everyone agrees that going away isn’t the right answer.
It is hard to predict whether or not your kid who tells you “I’m a social misfit and I have no friends and the teachers are horrible” is going to transform in some positive way. Aaah, adolescence, right?
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I have two children who went to a “less” competitive school despite being accepted to a higher rank school (I have two older children who attended the higher rank) and we found the community and college counseling to be better at the “less” competitive school and I thought the college outcome were better for a larger portion of the class at the “less” competitive school - I thought the higher ranked school only really cared about the top of the class. There’s something to be said for being a big fish in a smaller pond for sure!
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I think also some kids/ families prefer to do the work upfront (choosing a curated list of schools) and others on the backend (once/if they get in they will then decide what is best amongst their options). Each approach has its trade offs.
I also think sometimes the ‘fit’ is mythicized.. yes, there may be absolute red flags, like don’t put an anxious child who shuts down under pressure in a high-pressure school- but to @NiceUnparticularMan’s point, many BS provide a high level of teaching/counseling/EC opportunities, and in fact several students on this board, who are a high-effort bunch, may actually do well at multiple schools. So sometimes a choice is just that, a choice made with imperfect data. But in the true spirit of the road less well travelled we can also convince ourselves in hindsight that we absolutely chose the best ‘fit’ option.
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We have a bit of experience being turned down by a prestigious private middle school, attending a less prestigious but very good school, finding it to be a great fit, and doing very well. We also have experience with attending a less prestigious university for undergrad and again having the result come out very well (including doing well with graduate admissions).
I do think that fit is way more important than rank.
There are indeed some who would recommend this. I think that this is horrible advice. I wonder whether there is any connection between this advice and the high number of high school students in the USA who are being treated for stress related problems.
Find a pond that is a good fit for you.
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100%. And I actually tend to think often the most important goal is typically not trying to know you are making the “best” decision for this ever-changing young person (see also blossom’s post), since that isn’t actually possible. Of course parents have to enforce practical issues like affordability. But when it comes to the choice among such schools, what I think is actually achievable is things like having the kid feel ownership in the decision, and to be as excited as possible (knowing some nerves are also to be expected).
And then if they are negatively surprised and it truly isn’t working, you can help them make a change. But odds are that the kids going into these schools with a positive attitude will in fact make it work for them.
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100% this!
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Some would say my family did this to a modest extent.
I think the answer to what your family should do depends on the particular schools and why you think one might be the better fit.
I am sure there is a connection. To be a little generous, though, both kids and parents these days can be pretty anxious about the future, how they can best set themselves up for the future, and so on. So I think there are real questions about what they need to do when making these decisions. Hopefully, though, it is a relief when they learn it isn’t the sort of stakes some people sometimes suggest.
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Parents. Parents feeding their egos. Keeping up with the Joneses etc.
This advice would go for college also. Go with the best fit for the child. Period. Full stop. If that happens to be the “best “school so be it then.
There is a lot to be said about being a big fish /smaller pond. That doesn’t have to mean lessor school.
Kids that are less stressed will most likely do better socially /academically at school. Stress is a very very real thing. Kids with forced mental health issues due to it is a real thing especially at college.
The rhetorical question I have is what does the “best “school gain your family /child? What if your child doesn’t go to a T20? Is their life ruined?
Sorry to be so critical but….. Always do what’s right for your child. I have two 180 degree different kids. Both went to 180 degree different schools and both flourished. We did something crazy and actually listened to our kids voices. They know. In Chicago we go through this for high school. The kids know. Also for college they had strong input. They know.
What does the student think about all of this?
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You want to go to the school that’s going to let you become the best version of you. If an environment makes you stressed or it erodes at your confidence or is a bad social fit, you’ll have a hard time thriving. It’s not just about academics, it’s about growing as a person. These are 4 really important years of a life – enjoy them!
The table stakes at most BS are pretty high, so it’s unlikely that you’ll suffer for attending one with less cocktail party “ooh!” factor if it feels right.
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This sentiment really resonates.
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