<p>“but now have inside beltway public interest law salaries in upper percentiles for past 5 years, saved for retirement in those years and 2 years prepaid college in Md” and age 49 and 55. </p>
<p>I don’t see why it is such a dilemma since full cost at Oberlin or Vassar is not really beyond your means. I would think that covering the extra cost may just be working a year or so longer than your intended retirement age, and you are at least ten years from that. Best wishes though.</p>
<p>I know kids who love UMd, from instate and OOS. But one thing you and/or your son should investigate is a rumor I have heard (from parents-not the kids themselves) that many kids are having difficulty getting into desired/required classes - even for Honors students. As best as I understand it, kids who place out of freshman classes because of APs have problems trying to get into the next level class because the upper classmen have priority. So some bright kids with many APs start their first year without several of the classes they want. The kids go on to achieve their goals, so it may not be a big deal (assuming it is accurate depiction of the situation there).</p>
<p>padad… we are already planning on working about 10 years past death so not sure what you mean by a year or two longer… anyhow, here’s my question, which sounds soooo stupid… I look at our salaries and I say of course I can afford it… but then I look at how one pays an actual bill of $45,000 all in one year on top of the $24,000 for younger son… for younger son we take out a one year loan to amortize over 12 months and pay the interest… I work for AARP and according to their retirement calculator I have nowhere near enough for even modest retirement since I’ve only been saving for the 7 years I’ve been working for them, my husband has almost no retirement… (again, no whining because many are poorer) but the way I figure it we have to come up with… about $3,500 per month to pay for college and cutting back on take-out won’t be enough… not saving for retirement covers about 2 montly payments a year… so HOW exactly do they think we can come up with all that money??? Just wondering what the financial people think when you explain why you have no savings! We’ve only had this fairly large salary this past year and a half, since my H got his new job … right before that H was unemployed for 12 months… it’s upper percentile/inside beltway compared to national percentiles, but everything is relative… after 24 years legal practice and national reputation I earn what grads at my law school make as new associates in big firms… they are basing what we can pay on 18 months of salary rather than a lifetime of economics… sigh… can’t change reality!!! seriously, padad, ideas are welcome!
wecandothis-- thanks. we’ve had advocates, consultants, lawyers (where some of our money went). Despite that, MCPS would have placed S2 in program with time out room that looked like a locked closet, used retraints, etc, and continued to be punished for being both brilliant off the charts in some areas and so language impaired he can’t easily do much reading and writing, and for being anxious/ocd; he now thrives in small, alternative DC school where he still doesn’t read/write much but they are working on it, but gets A’s in math/science and is never locked up and is happy and relaxed!
Odyssy: You have me scared, as he has lots of AP’s, but he is much better at red tape than I am (MUCH better!) and would find many other interesting classes to take, and I will investigate. </p>
<p>PS My son has a restraining order against me prohibiting me from discussing college until after he gets all his decisions and has visited U.Md and Northeastern and, should he get in, Oberlin and Vassar. I have work travel mid April and surgery right after… so I may ask the “judge” for mercy.
PPS I think I am an extra panic about money because 1)I used up all my medical leave last year having major surgery 2)I used up all my new accumulated medical leave in October when I broke my shoulder 3)I found out I have to have shoulder surgery in April or May and start PT all over again and I will probably have to take partial disability to do so (thus cutting my income!) 4) I am terrified to take out a home equity loan with the subprime market imploding and not knowing the effect on the general housing market 5)My parents are in their mid 70’s, live out of state, have no other family, live only on social security and will need me to finance any trips I do to help them with emergencies or to set them up with longer term needs. 6)My H’s geo prism is about 12 years old, has over 160,000 miles and is on its original clutch (despite S learning to drive it!) (I can’t complain though, I bought a Matrix last year, will be paid off when S is a junior… and S drives the 120,000+miles minivan which needed $2,500 work this year. No luxury cars here!) So Padad, I see those Mercedes and SUV’s parked at the mall and hear about kids at the fancy high schools who go skiing and to Europe on vacations and I wonder how even my well situated, but not oozing with well-off-ness family, gets lumped in the same category as them? </p>
<p>I’m sorry I am so bad tonight. Maybe I will forget my CC password tomorrow! S</p>
<p>silversenior, you are one live wire. I’m not going to worry about you. I don’t think you can be defeated,…</p>
<p>
Try to control yourself - it’s only 9 more days. You can do it! ;D
And remember: breathe…breathe…breathe…</p>
<p>Not to make light of your situation, btw. Sometimes you just have to let go and have faith when you’re in a spot where worrying and fretting will not help.</p>
<p>See what the envelopes bring in another week or so, and what comes of his visit. Then you will clearly have the facts in front of you and can make an informed decision.</p>
<p>Silversenior- you and your family are amazing- but, there is such a glaring missing puzzle piece right now.</p>
<p>Your visit to UMD. I, for one, am looking forward to hearing about that visit, because all of this (justified) concern, may truly be resolved after that visit.</p>
<p>"My son has a restraining order against me prohibiting me from discussing college until after he gets all his decisions " </p>
<p>LOL, your son sounds like the rudder on your ship …
rough seas right now, but you have weathered more, with all that you have been through.</p>
<p>sliversenior - good luck to you. We were in a similar situation last year. Our son applied to 8 schools, including his state U honors college. We must have made over 20 school visits. He worked hard on his apps and saw himself going ANYWHERE BUT his state U. Well, he was rejected at his two top choices. And he ended up loving his state U when he finally visited - choosing it over two smaller (and more expensive) private schools that WE actually thought might be a better fit. We are saving LOTS of $ because of his choice and are putting some of it away for a grad school fund. And he is very happy in his freshman year. So everything worked out fine.
But not without some pain of course…
We had many parents asking us how in the WORLD our bright son came to choose his state U over some top privates. Wasn’t all that looking just a huge waste of time? Pretty insensitive huh? Some assumed we were cheap and would not make the necessary sacrifices to go private. I have to admit, I always thought he would go to a school that would give us some “bragging rights” (selfish I know). But I’m over it and now proudly display our son’s school bumper stickers on our cars. And I have learned to ignore our nosy neighbors (we live in an area where prestige is VERY important). Bottom line, he’s happy and challenged and doing just great. I’m very proud of him - regardless of what the “private or nothing” folks around us think. AGAIN-GOOD LUCK TO YOU!</p>
<p>Sorry if I had sounded harsh or callous. Not my intent. Your original post stated that: “having a financial cushion for grad school, unpaid internships and travel?” I just thought those are luxury items. Grad schools may not require financing since many of them come with a fellowship or a teaching assistanship. Professional schools (medicine/law/vet etc) are exceptions but most kids use loans since they expect decent employment afterwards. Travel and unpaid interships will be nice but I just can’t see that as being essential. My post was just a reaction to what you wrote about your son’s keen interest at Oberlin and Vassar and what you perceived as real fit. These two colleges are very different from U of Md honor college. It is not a matter of 'elite", they are just different.</p>
<p>Thanks Padad. No offense taken! I see what you meant and your points are well taken. I agree that the unpaid internships, travel etc are luxuries… and we perhaps can offer them if he goes to U. Md.</p>
<p>I figured out 3 things today:
<p>2)I am still fussing over the fact that we NEVER found the right fit school for my son. I am actually fairly convinced that Vassar is NOT a good fit for him… he will be happy as a freshman and feel confined and bored by junior year… too many people there afraid of math and quantatative analysis… Oberlin might be a better fit academically, but he really, really does not want to be in Ohio… all he ever wanted was a school just like Oberlin only twice or three times as big… why aren’t there ANY schools of about 10,000 students??? I went to MIT… it was the PERFECT size… 4,000 undergrad, 4,000 grad at the time, both a university but also nurturing (really!)… and we just found nothing like that for him… we felt like goldilocks only everything was too big (state schools) or too small (LACs), too hot (ivies) or too cold (rochester, where he grew up, or too far away, although anything in NY, ohio, wisconsin was considered), too hard (anything south of the mason-dixon line, excepting maryland, or preppy) or too soft (hampshire) – nothing was JUST RIGHT!</p>
<p>3) my personal grief that our situation is being treated financially no differently than this other family’s (I know and love them, and they had other challenges I am glad I did not, but!):
us: obtained no assets from uneducated parents, Dad is only child, Mom is only child able to help aging parents, graduated from law school with loans, both were long term poverty lawyers, paid for modest wedding, fanciest vacation ever relied on frequent flyer miles to grand canyon, neither has ever been to europe, bought first house after first child was born with every penny of savings, lost all equity in bad market, used every penny of savings after that to buy next house, keep saving, have lots of expenses related to special needs son, 2 bouts of Dad unemployment, we pay all expenses associated with visiting grandparents and their visits to us, finally get good paying public interest jobs… then: colleges base payment ability on those decent salaries.<br>
Them: her parents own business, invest wisely, have significant wealth. Princeton and Columbia law with no loans. Works for various govt, public interest, private sector jobs, parents pay for wedding, car, down payment on home, original artwork in home. She becomes tenured law school professor, H high level state department, head of foreign mission. They make killing in DC housing market, parlay it into incredible home in fancy DC suburb that is worth 4 times what our home is worth. Her parents started college funds for her children at their birth, have paid for all their travel all over the world,. Then: colleges also determine their EFC exceeds costs.</p>
<p>So, my family is fortunate not to be starving, to live in a house, to be fulfilled, to have a computer 
– BUT is there something wrong with me that I chafe at a higher education system that treats me and my friend exactly the same financially? The ONLY difference between us – we both went to the same types of schools, worked just as hard, neither of us became industrial barons or dot com gazillionaires – is that she arranged to be born into a more well off family. AND, more importantly, should our CHILDREN have access to different educational opportunitied because of who their GRANDPARENTS happened to be?</p>
<p>I think I’ve read the whole thread, so if you already said this, apologies…but have you tried appealing any of your finaid offers with some of the info in post 29…esp the info regarding current and historical costs for your special needs child? Seems like definitely worth a shot if you haven’t already, and the sooner the better. Your projected medical costs and needs may be of some interest as well. Can’t hurt to try. </p>
<p>I would focus your energies on that and tell your son he needs to take charge of figuring out his choices, to be modified based on the final financial info. Try not to dwell on other’s situations such as your friend and focus on negotiations with the fin aid officers…bet you’re good at that, being a lawyer!</p>
<p>I’m glad you found a good school for your S2. I’m sure that is worth all you paid for it and more.</p>
<p>Silver–lock yourself in the bathroom, look in the mirror and practice this mantra: “I could not be prouder of you and I know you can’t make a bad choice here; you should pick the school that you really want to attend.” </p>
<p>And then stop thinking about it. It will be fine. Quit obsessing; he sounds like he’s got a terrific head on his shoulders and is thinking clearly about the pros and cons of each choice. It may be that you are operating out of some kind of guilt maybe that your second son soaked up so many financial and emotional resources over the years and you see spending a fortune on college as a way of evening the playing field. In fact, you may want to consider taking funds that you’d spend on an expensive college and putting them in a trust for your younger in order to avoid burdening your older son with financial responsibility for his sibling when you and your husband are elderly. </p>
<p>It may seem “unfair” because you aren’t spending as much on each child’s education, but in the long run parenting is doing what you can to get your kids securely started in life–what could give your older more security than knowing his brother’s long term financial security has been attended to?</p>
<p>Silver, you’ve written a very compelling story and I think both your kids are lucky to have been born into your family… liquid assets or not!</p>
<p>I hesitate to say this… but I can’t imagine that Northeastern will turn out to be the good fit you imagine it to be. I know kids like your son at Maryland; I know nobody like your son at NEU. Now as Mini (a long time poster here) likes to say, “the plural of anecdote is not fact”… but I close my eyes and based on your description of your son, I just can’t see him as a contented junior at Northeastern.</p>
<p>You were there… was he responding to busy/noisy/urban? If so, there are lots of schools with quirky, intellectually driven kids like him that are busy/noisy/urban. I also think that if he’s drawn towards political or public affairs type internships, MD is a significantly bigger deal in that arena-- great DC networks to leverage.</p>
<p>So- agree with the other posters that you might not have the problem you think you have. My bet is that Maryland honors has more Oberlin-type kids than NEU does, and that a solid visit, including sitting in on some seminar type classes will seal the deal.</p>
<p>OTOH, I am curious about the MIT lapse. They don’t require an interview, so why would missing a deadline to sign up with an alumnus have derailed your son’s application???</p>
<p>Silversenior, like another poster I would not worry about the proximity to home at UMD. If it feels like a good fit, the $45K total nut is highly attractive. He’ll become ensconced in the place and my guess is you’ll see him alot less than you think. </p>
<p>Also, I highly encourage you to think about sending him abroad for one, or even two, semesters. Aside from being an amazing experience, he’ll be away from the various pressures that you cited in one of your posts. I was fortunate enough to spend a semester in London as an exchange student, and also spent 3 months in Asia for business. I learned more about the world, and myself, in those time periods than the rest of college combined. </p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear about his aversion to Lehigh. I went there (gr. 1980) and had a fabulous time. (It’s really expsnsive now, however.) </p>
<p>Sounds like you guys more than have your plates full of responsibility and costs going forward. You MUST think about your own financial security as well as college costs. I would encourage you to strongly consider the money issue as it relates to a UMD or similar. That’s a fabulous deal, and a fine school.</p>
<p>I think Mombot’s advice was perfect. Now get in that bathroom! ;)</p>
<p>Bravo, Moon. I agree.</p>
<p>Agreed!</p>
<p>SS, as many here, I am enthralled by your story and hoping for the best for your family. You have touched many of us because of your clear thinking and love for your family.</p>
<p>I think many of us see a bit of ourselves (elitists?), our kids (intellectuals?), and circumstances (state U/honors/rides v. Elites?) in your eloquence. We feel your anxiety but are in awe of your strength.</p>
<p>I’m very curious why Tufts was ruled out, esp. after what you wrote about size, location, curriculum, U of C essay.</p>
<p>Thanks to one and all! I haven’t been this stressed about choices since I had to choose a kindergarten for this son… oy… we lived in Rochester… a predominently African-American school district, in a majority African-American neighborhood, and because my son is Asian (my H is Japanese) my son was chosen for every single magnet school he applied to… we (I) obsessed and obsessed… and chose the one we thought was the best match for him (they all seemed good, as did our neighborhood school)… and S2 was born 5 days before Kindergarten started… it was a complete disaster… S1 was bored, teachers thought he was “rambunctious” and oppositional (while he has never met an authority he doesn’t question, he has never met a human being he hasn’t respected!)… within 6 weeks we put him in the private alternative school we thought we absolutely couldn’t afford and I was being treated for significant post-partum depression… so there is history here!</p>
<p>But he was back in public school within a few years, and I’ve been a public school PTSA president and advocate, so I know that how a school receives its funding is irrelevant to whether it is right for any student, or a best match, or a good match, or good enough. (After all, I FIRMLY believe that I only need to be a good enough mom, not perfect or super duper, and the same probably applies to lots of other things in life!)</p>
<p>I am also juggling imminent surgery and constant pain for <em>gasp</em> almost 6 months now since I broke my glenohumeral joint, and that followed surgery last march and 6 months post op pain… sigh… what’s a few crashes of the houing market? And hey, what’s a shoulder or nice clean organ removal compared to poor Elizabeth Edwards and her terrible health news? (I’ve met the Edwards and they are the nicest, nicest people… nothing is fair!)</p>
<p>Since I last wrote I feel much better (emotionally) – partly due to your support (THANKS!!!), partly to the good sense of my son’s restraining order and mostly because I have put time into actually looking into the depths and details of the Md. honors program and it really, truly looks WONDERFUL! There are 77 honors seminars listed for Fall 2007 and I want to quit my job and take about 50 of them, all capped at 20 students. And I have been having a lovely, humorous, kind and insightful email exchange with some of the Honors program staff – who have made me feel that S will be perfectly at home there and have assured me that when they meet him they will not blow my cover (neither Karl Rove nor Scooter Libby works there!)</p>
<p>S2 informed me that S1’s mind is made up – he’s going to Md. But we are going to visit NEU nonetheless… hey, the plane tickets are purchased and my incredible bargain rate at the park plaza (about $100 night!) is non refundable (no one wants us to visit over passover, they are afraid that somewhere in the bottomless pit of my purse I will have some sort of snack made out of pork flour or something!) so we will just have to make a real decision and frolic as best we can in one of our favorite of places.</p>
<p>At the very least, he will be unlikely to feel that I forced this on him! And meanwhile… still waiting and waiting and waiting … for oberlin and vassar…</p>
<p>Thanks again for helping me de-stress and feel good about my son’s good choices, s</p>
<p>Silversenior - I agree that you should not worry about your son being close to home. While my daughter is not 15 minutes from home, she is now less than an hour car ride or an easy train ride from home. She transferred to this school this year as a sophomore, and last year was at a school about 500miles from home. (Her reasons for transferring had nothing to do with distance from home, and, in fact, the closeness of her transfer school was a minus, rather than a plus, in her mind.) We do not see her any more frequently than if she was much further away (except that we are able to attend her musical performances, which is nice, and she was able to meet my husband in Philly once on a Sunday for an event related to their common hobby, which was also nice.) She does not come home for weekends or anything like that, and I talk to her much less frequently than last year when she was unhappy at her first school. An advantage to us is the ease of travel to and from home on breaks. So if Maryland Honors seems perfect for your son in every other way, and it is his desire to go there, I would not worry about the closeness to home issue.</p>
<p>Glad you are feeling better, silversenior.</p>
<p>Silver, I’m glad the MD folks have been helpful. We do not live in MD but it is a top choice school for a lot of kids in my state and we know a range… the pre-professional, “get my ticket stamped” type, and the polymath, “can I stay here and study for 10 years, there are so many things to learn” type, and everything in between, and all of them have raved about MD.</p>
<p>I’m sure you will have a ball in Boston regardless of the outcome and your kids sound really special.</p>