Good news, but really tough to reckon with

Parent Cafe
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<p>Good News / Tough News… (sigh)</p>

<p>Well, here I was posting about how great it’s been to have everyone home for the holidays. D2 had a great 1st semester. D1 has also just finished her graduate program. Everybody’s happy, right? Not exactly.</p>

<p>D1, in somewhat of a panic about her employment/fellowship prospects, given the state of the economy and all, shotgunned her resume all over creation. A few of the lesser fellowship programs turned her down pretty quickly - no big deal, really. Of course, for her, each rejection ratcheted up the anxiety. Then, out of the blue, she gets a phone call from one of the major fellowship programs that, by her own admission, she didn’t have a prayer of getting – only applied out her sheer determination to leave no stone unturned. However, someone saw something in her resume’ they really liked in light of some of this particular consortium’s recent initiatives. She had two phone interviews, and the next thing I know, they are flying her in overnight along with some other competing candidates after narrowing down the field. There’s only one fellowship to be had, and from what I understand, the competition is quite fierce. Like D1, we thought her chances were slim, but were glad they wanted to interview her in person because we felt it would be good practice. </p>

<p>But no, not so. Apparently, she didn’t need practice. She blew them completely away and they made her one of those “offer you can’t refuse” deals the very next day. Unbelievable. They want her to work directly with the executive officers and head up some projects related to a couple of underperforming facilities with troubled community relations. It’s exactly the opportunity she’s worked for all these years, and we are floored by what they’ve offered in the way of compensation. What’s not to like? </p>

<p>Well. after all the initial excitement died down, DW had the realization of how far away this will take D1 from home. It’s days drive, and DW has a fear of flying. She has gradually become inconsolable over this. Imagining the worse scenarios. I too am quite stunned by the reality of it, but have pretended to be okay. I feel the need to counter balance my wife’s obvious distress. I do not want to put a damper on this for D1. It’s big deal for her, and by all measures, a rare opportunity to be celebrated…not mourned. </p>

<p>Nonetheless, this ain’t easy right now. I suppose it never ends with our kids, does it?</p>

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<p>Congrats to your D! What field is she in?</p>

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<p>Congratulations to your D.
Sounds like your DW now has lots of incentive to go to a counselor or therapist to deal with her fear of flying.</p>

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<p>Congratulations to your D! That is amazing!</p>

<p>I went through a phase of being petrified to fly. I went to counseling and resolved it. Not wanting to fly is okay but when it impacts your life negatively, like it is with your wife, it’s time to get help. I could not imagine ever getting on another plane but I did it and she can too.</p>

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<p>Congrats…
is your daughter afraid to fly? perhaps she will do the visiting instead of you and your wife? </p>

<p>Trains are a great option…</p>

<p>I am reminded of some advice I received as a senior in HS…my cousin’s boyfriend died unexpectedly…they had dated 4+ years… when I returned to school after the funeral etc etc…our principal called me in to discuss what had happened…and her thought was that I was probably upset for those living, not for the wonderful guy we had lost… who was at rest… I hope your wife is able to back up a bit and CELEBRATE this incredible opportunity your daughter has created…it certainly sounds like she has hit the jackpot and the focus needs to be on what has been accomplished, not what will be missed. </p>

<p>Totally empathetic with the sadness…but not that it should be inconsolable… time will help with this new scenario…</p>

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<p>Thanks. Healthcare. </p>

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<p>No question about it. Been trying to help her overcome it for years now. Her first flight was accompanying me to an awards ceremony where I was one of the guests being honored – that’s why she wanted to go. It was a long flight, and unfortunately, it was a rough flight. We hit some bad weather and experienced a lot of turbulance. I almost couldn’t get her back home. She hasn’t gotten near a plane since.</p>

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<p>Fortunately, no problem flying for the rest of us. And yes, she will definitely have to come here more than we will go there. DW does not work though, so I tried to explain how she’d be able to go visit whenever she wanted, even if she had to go by train. I think she understands all that, but just had a different vision of how things would work out. Problem is we are fast becoming empty nesters now. For her, this is just one more unwelcome push in that direction.</p>

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<p>Congrats to your D, what a blessing!!!</p>

<p>I beleive that your wife is going to be ok. At the end of the day, she is not going to let a plane come between her and her baby (this alone may give her incentive to get help in conquering her fear of flying).</p>

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<p>Once your D is settled, it will all work out. The unknowns, such as how often will we see her, will she come for the holidays, how hard is it to take the train, etc. is often more daunting than what actually works out. </p>

<p>Congrats to your D, how terrific that she got the carrot that she has been working on for years. Time to celebrate her success. Try not to worry about the distance until you see how hard it is to get together. Might be easier than you think. </p>

<p>One last thing. We sent S to college 10,000 miles away. I couldn’t fathom how we would survive with him so far away. Once he got there, he found his tribe, loved his major and is much happier than he was in high school. Once you see how happy she is, you will all feel much better. </p>

<p>When does the job start?</p>

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<p>You’re surprised at how quickly this all happened, so you’re thrown off balance – as is DW. Give her a few days or weeks and she’ll be happy for DD. She’ll work it out. It’s obviously the best thing possible for DD, so DW will come around. She won’t want to hold DD back. She will find a way to deal with it.</p>

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<p>FLVADad:</p>

<p>First a big congratulation to your D. I suggest keeping the focus on the good rather than the bad. Did she not fly recently for the interview? Did it erase the memory of the bad experience she had when accompanying you to the award ceremony? One needs to get used to flying. It’s not the greatest experience, but it does not have to be bad.
The good thing about working is that she will no longer be living in a dorm that closes for Xmas and kicks its residents out forcing them to go home! She can choose the times when she visits home and not be a hostage to weather (as are thousands of students and other travelers currently stranded at various airports).
As well, perhaps, the job offer makes her realize as nothing else can, that she will no longer be living at home but will be on her own. Try to help her realize that she won’t be cutting off all ties!
Best of luck.</p>

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<p>You can share this story with your wife.</p>

<p>I was all set to attend the private (med size, I guess) college that my mother attended. However, after I visited, I realized that it wasn’t where I really wanted to go, so my father took me to visit a large state University that I had applied to and been accepted. This was in May of my senior year.</p>

<p>I loved it and decided to attend. My mother never saw the campus until they took me for Fall semester. Twenty-five years later, she will tell you (and me) that she cried all the way home and wanted to turn around and go get me. However, I never once knew she felt this way (and this is the most important part of the story.) I love college and my siblings all ended up attending large State Us, so my mother obviously adjusted.</p>

<p>Regardless of how she is feeling, she can’t rain on your D’s parade.</p>

<p>My best friend in college hated (still does) to fly and her Dr. prescribes a mild sedative when she travels. Works out better then the days she use to drink herself to numbness either before or during the flight.</p>

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<p>Wow. First congrats to your D. This is a graduate program she finished so she is obviously an adult. I don’t mean to sound harsh but time to let go. You say in your post you are trying to be okay. You really need to be.
Now is the time for you and DW to enjoy each other. Take up a new hobby together, create a new phase in your lives that does not revolve around your children.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you need to let her go.</p>

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<p>Here’s a secret that may help you, but probably not your wife: you won’t visit, or even want to visit, your D as often as you may think. If you’re like most families, she’ll come visit you more often.</p>

<p>And another–which may not apply to your family at all, but is typical–if your daughter eventually has a baby, your wife will fly in an open biplane to get there.</p>

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<p>Congrats to your D., what a great opportunity for her. Did you D attend college nearby? Was your W used to seeing her often? If so it will probably just take her awhile to get used to the idea that her D is an independent adult now with her own life apart from her parents. This part might have your W more upset than the actual miles between them.<br>
Our S1 will commision into the US Navy upon grad. in May (and fully expects to deploy to the Middle East) so I understand about watching your kid go far away and not knowing exactly when you’ll see them again. </p>

<p>Remind your W that this could turn into an adventure for all of you…your D in a great job in a new place and for you and your W, a new region to explore when you go to visit.</p>

<p>My in-laws live seven hours away. Due to poor health, they cannot travel and we have to visit them often. In truth, I used to dread the trip but recently (to my own surprise), I have grown to enjoy it. DH and I always download a new CD for the trip. We stop at different restaurants every time. We sometimes just turn off the highway and drive around little towns along the way that we’ve never seen before. It’s just seven straight uninterupted hours together that we don’t often get in everyday life. Help your W to see that this new venture can be a postive for all of you.</p>

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<p>Hunt, I am laughing at your biplane comment! So true!</p>

<p>FLVADAD, Congratulations to your D! What a wonderful opportunity! I can understand your ambivalent feelings, and your wife’s distress, but you will be most helpful to your D if you can hide these feelings. If this is a fellowship, it is probably “only” for 2-4 years, right? It’s not forever, Your D may end up taking a permanent job closer to home.</p>

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<p>I’m not a happy flyer, but one idea that helped me with the issue of turbulence is thinking of the plane as a boat. Just as you go over waves in a boat, that’s what the plane is doing in the air. Because we don’t see the air move, we tend not to think of it as waves, but that’s really what it is. When you hit a bump in a plane, it’s not like there’s nothing underneath you and you are going off a cliff, it’s really more like going over a big wave in a speedboat.</p>

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<p>Congratulations to your daughter!</p>

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<p>Wow, I’m really grateful for all the comments and helpful advice. I sense that things will be okay, but I posted after my wife and I had a…well, let’s just say, a spirited discussion. I was not happy about her lack of effort to conceal her feelings about this. Being joyful and very proud on the one hand, feeling selfishly sad on the other, and then admonishing my wife on yet another – I felt in danger of triggering a permanent multiple personality disorder. So, I did what all good CCers do - I posted. Thank you all so much. </p>

<p>And thanks to some of the advice here, I’ve decided to call my wife’s doctor next week to see if she has suggestions regarding the flight anxiety issue. Somehow, I don’t think my initial thought of just whacking over the head with a club and throwing her onto the plane is quite acceptable. So, I’ll abandon my primal instincts for now and go for a “kinder, gentler” approach.</p>

<p>D1 will be with us several weeks before she leaves. I’ve been trying to get my wife excited about apartment hunting trips, and the possibility of reconnecting with some old friends that live nearby. Didn’t work. The subject is still too raw. I’m going to have to give it time I think. </p>

<p>To my wife’s credit, she presented D1 with a congratulations card, balloons, and some roses the next day after our little “discussion.” I think that helped make everyone feel a little better. I’m the kind of guy that just can’t feel right about anything when I know someone close to me is distressed. I use reason to make myself feel better, but at the end of the day, it still weighs on me.</p>

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<p>“She had two phone interviews, and the next thing I know, they are flying her in overnight along with some other competing candidates after narrowing down the field.”</p>

<p>Since she flew for the interview perhaps she is overcoming her reluctance to fly?</p>