Googling your child's roommates

Parents Forum
181

<p>“How do I know these things about S’s friends? Out of being able to meet them and spend lots of time with them, not through Google”</p>

<p>And that is as it should be. Nobody asked me to add whatever info there is about me on the Internet but I’m sure there is some. Myspace etc was supposed to be a peer to peer meeting site–not a place to checkout people half your age that you really don’t need to know about unless they want to tell you. There should be a blocker option so that we get to control access to things about ourselves and who gets to access them. Little thought went into openeing this huge new potential can of worms.</p>

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<p>I never said it was weird or creepy to google your kids’ future roommates. It’s just that it’s their relationship not yours.<br>
I think it’s great that you know things about your kids’ friends (peace symbols, Asian-american, whatever) but presumably they were visiting you in your home and you had something of a relationship with them.
I guess simple, harmless curiosity is your reason. Fair enough, I just don’t think it’s worth it. I’m reminded of a thought I had years and years ago, when my H talked about the ethernet and the world of info that was about to open up. All I could think of was what would anyone do with all the extraneous info.</p>

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<p>“Hindoo–all the posts I read–including mine–called googling the roommate by the parent creepy, not googling in general.”</p>

<p>Ok, point made. But what makes a curious parent’s googling of public record seem so creepy? Does it conjure up for you the vision of a wild-eyed mom or dad without a life, obsessively ■■■■■■■■ the internet night and day to find some scrap of alarming or titillating information on their son/daughter’s future roommate? I assure you, I’m just not that menacing. My five minutes of googling satisfied my curiosity and made me feel pretty good about my daughter’s soon-to-be roomie.
… Yes, it’s my daughter’s life, not mine–but she’s been with me for 18 years now and God help me, I’m still interested in that life. Nope, I don’t go through her drawers, listen in on her phone conversations, or follow her out on a date. But, by golly, I do know that her roomie next fall will be a smart girl from Texas. How is this creepy?</p>

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<p>I am have a question to anyone who thinks a parent’s using Google to find out info about their kid’s rooommate: </p>

<p>If you ran into someone who happened to have been in the roommate’s high school class, had a kid in that roommate’s high school or taught at that school, would you say, “Do you know [insert the roommate’s name here]?”</p>

<p>It’s hard for me to imagine that most people wouldn’t ask such a question out of simple curiosity, not ■■■■■■■■ for dirt.</p>

<p>What’s different about using Google to find out info that’s public anyway? In fact, the info one’s likely to get from Google is likely to be a lot less intrusive or personal than one would get from a friend who has been another’s classmate or teacher.</p>

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<p>Because we do not know how much of what is “public” even got there. Just because something is there does not mean the subject ever intended for it to be there. People are much more circumspect in person than they might be in the world of the net where you can pretty much say anything about anyone without fear of retribution.
This is a good question for some of the national ethics columnists.</p>

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<p>D: "Hey mom, just IM’d-texted-met-on-Facebook/Myspace my new roommate. She sounds like a really neat, smart girl from Texas.'</p>

<p>Mom: “yeah, I knew that already. But, I’m glad you found out too.”</p>

<p>No, that won’t do. How 'bout:</p>

<p>Mom: “Really, I had no idea–tell me about her” fingers crossed behind back.</p>

<p>No, no–even worse. How about:</p>

<p>Mom (totally sincerely): “Wow, she sounds great–tell me about her!” And learns about the neat new roommate from the person who will be living with her.</p>

<p>Look, obviously one or the other of the first two scenarios don’t both a lot of people–I’m sure it’s just me.</p>

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<p>“If you ran into someone who happened to have been in the roommate’s high school class, had a kid in that roommate’s high school or taught at that school, would you say, ‘Do you know [insert the roommate’s name here]?’”</p>

<p>Yes, I would ask, I guess because of my conditioned socialization reponse to keep a conversation going. I would also take whatever info I received with a huge grain of salt just as I do with info on wikipedia, etc and so forth…</p>

<p>But to actively seek out the info with Google, nope, I wouldn’t do it. But go ahead, I don’t think that people who do it are weird. Maybe I should post in the “I just don’t get it” thread.</p>

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<p>OK, Garland. Your little scenarios make a parent’s curiosity seem awkward, but certainly not creepy. Perhaps it’s the word “creepy” I object to, as though a mildly curious parent is some kind of pervert/predator in the making.</p>

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<p>What Barrons said. Some years ago, I sent an email to an athletic organization asking for a tour of the facilities while I was visiting their city on business. The email is no big deal at all - it’s simply a very polite request. Everything spelled correctly, grammar is accurate, pleases and thank yous in place, etc. No big deal. Yet, there it is, somehow, captured in google, memorialized. It doesn’t embarrass me - and I have nothing to hide, and it’s just a very benign email request. But anyone who googles my name will see that email. They’ll know I was in that city, on that day, and that I have an interest in that particular sport. </p>

<p>In another example, some years ago, I nominated one of my daughter’s mentors for a very prestigious international award. The gentleman is in his late 70’s now and I thought he was very deserving of the award, and the conferring organization called for nominations, so, I responded with the nomination. The board of directors discussed my nomination at length, and it’s recorded in their minutes at their annual meeting, and my name is plastered all over it. Google me and it comes right up. Again, it’s not embarrassing at all - but - just like the email to the athletic organization, it’s not something I really ever expected to see memorialized. Certainly when I sent the nomination in I never thought about the meeting minutes ending up in google’s cache. And I certainly never thought far enough to see the possibility of the gentleman’s name memorialized in google as well, as he was the person nominated. But there you go…</p>

<p>Extrapolate this out over time, and bits and pieces of a person’s life creep out onto the internet, and into the public domain. These two examples don’t make me look bad - if anything, they probably make me look good - or perhaps argue against the possibility that I’m a sloth - but - it’s information that someone who is a complete stranger to me doesn’t really need, and, while it’s not “private”, it’s more than I would CHOOSE to share with a complete stranger, or with persons I do not know very well.</p>

<p>I just think that to the extent practical, people should be left alone. I have never once googled any of my daughter’s friends, roommates, teachers, coaches, etc. I could, of course. But I prefer to see them through her lens and through her interpretation of who and what they are. Her perspective is far more interesting - and accurate - than anything that I might creep around and find on the internet. </p>

<p>Last, it would do well to remember, when you google someone’s name, that action is captured and stored. It’s interesting to think about who is looking up who YOU are looking up.</p>

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<p>HIndoo–Okay, I’ll take back "creepy.’ If creepy has taken on a “pervert” sort of meaning, that’s not what I mean.</p>

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<p>Article with brief mention of parents using it. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.startribune.com/462/story/1330517.html[/url]”>http://www.startribune.com/462/story/1330517.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Well…I don’t think it’s perversion in the “traditional” sense of the word, but, I do think it is a perversion of socialization. Googling strikes me as going ahead and getting intimate with me right away, perhaps before we’ve even been formally introduced. If a person wants to know more about me, at least meet me first. Then maybe I’ll tell them all about award nominations and the like - because it will evolve naturally as appropriate discussion for the relationship we’re trying to have. What strikes me as more normal and gracious is when I meet someone - usually this happens in business - and after some discussion they ASK permission to google me. I have had this experience more and more in the past several months; as recently as a year ago I was never asked (so I assume people were either googling without asking, or, perhaps I wasn’t interesting enough to be googled, etc.).</p>

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<p>“What Barrons said. Some years ago, I sent an email to an athletic organization asking for a tour of the facilities while I was visiting their city on business. The email is no big deal at all - it’s simply a very polite request”</p>

<p>How’d that end up being on Google?
I’ve sent a lot of e-mails, but never have seen any of mine on Google. </p>

<p>“Last, it would do well to remember, when you google someone’s name, that action is captured and stored. It’s interesting to think about who is looking up who YOU are looking up.”</p>

<p>Interesting to wonder about that. I have no idea who would care, but perhaps someone does and is getting a chuckle or two or shaking their head in bewilderment.</p>

<p>I assume that anything that I do on the Internet --whether or not I’m using my real name – could be found by someone like the FBI or CIA who really wanted to know every detail of my life. This includes things that I write on CC.</p>

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<p>Actually, Garland, I would have no problem with scenario number one - where I admit I looked her up. I am not on facebook (and dont plan on doing so). I might have different info than my kid got. We would probably discuss it.</p>

<p>Of course, my son is like Mathmom’s son, and shows no curiosity, but always likes to hear anything I find out. My son is a math kid too. Coincidence? not necessarily - it is common among math kids. Too busy with math, I guess.</p>

<p>BTW, both my kids know that the net is not private, nor are their computers. I do keep an eye on things. Not thoroughly, but just checking. There is too much tragic possibilities, otherwise. I rarely check my son’s because as I said, he lacks curiosity about anything but math. </p>

<p>My 14 yo dd is another matter, very social, very naive and all over the place on the net. She knows I look. I let her know. She knows why. I think being reminded that computers are not close to being private is a good thing to keep in mind.</p>

<p>I think people are totally naive about their privacy, even among fairly sophisticated users…</p>

<p>A while back I posted a question on my son’s first choice subforum. Aother parent posted some info about his son that was in common with mine. Although the screen name had no clues, it took me about 2 minutes to figure out who his son was, and that our sons knew each other.</p>

<p>On this thread, someone posted some info about people who shared his name. It took me less than a minute to find his real name (and then I PMed him and he removed the post). </p>

<p>I recently tired to find my best friend from childhood. Google didnt work. I tried the online white pages, and that yielded a phone number. In the next 30 mins, building on info, I found out her address, the price she paid for her house, her boyfriends high school and his company website. I then contacted her via email thru his website and in 20 mins we were chatting on the phone. She was amused and shocked at what I learned (I quit looking for info when I got to the BFs home page, BTW)</p>

<p>Being a private detective is probably a lot easier nowdays!</p>

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<p>"Okay, I’ll take back “creepy.’ If creepy has taken on a “pervert” sort of meaning, that’s not what I mean.”</p>

<p>Much appreciated, Garland. However, I just asked my daughter what she thought of my googling and, horrors, she agreed with you and barrons. Not the “creepy” part; she just thinks it’s “a little strange and unnecessary.” Uh, alrighty then. … Alas. I’M beginning to feel strange and unnecessary. …</p>

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<p>Hindoo–I think your D’s words better summed up my characterization than mine did.</p>

<p>Full disclosure–I asked my S last night–he says: it’s not that big a deal, but don’t tell your kid you did it.</p>

<p>Perhaps we should switch kids? :)</p>

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<p>Would it bother any of you if your kid googled your boss? Your neighbor? Someone you were dating (assuming you’re now single)? </p>

<p>I don’t think that’s any ‘creepier’ than a parent googling a person in their child’s life, whether that child is 10 years old or 21.</p>

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<p>"Would it bother any of you if your kid googled your boss? Your neighbor? Someone you were dating (assuming you’re now single)? "</p>

<p>It wouldn’t bother me. I’d just be surprised that my kid cared that much about my life.</p>

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<p>This is an intriguing topic for anyone who uses the Web a lot. </p>

<p>So of course I had to google the question, “Is googling people ethical,” and read several opinions from a variety of sources.</p>

<p>I guess I agree with what the Jewish Ethicist said and I’ll quote it here (is that okay on CC) and put my thoughts in uppercase: “In the case of web searches, it would be permissible to do a simple web search of someone’s name, to see some of their most prominent activities. [IF I GOOGLED MY KID’S ROOMMATE, THIS IS WHY I WOULD DO IT.] This is today’s equivalent of a simple inquiry to a mutual friend, without deliberate prying into details beyond what is easily available. In the early days of web searches even this might have been questionable, as people posted information about themselves and others on private websites without any inkling that it would be easily available to all cyberspace, and without any simple way to remove information. Today people are better informed about these search engines and are able to take more control over information about themselves. Also, the search engines themselves make it easier for a person to block information from search results or remove it. I believe that these safeguards are sufficient to make a simple websearch permissible.” </p>

<p>But read the New York Times Magazine Ethicist and you get a slightly different opinion…</p>

<p>I must confess, and did so to the individual, to googling someone on CC after they identified themselves to me and mentioned their particularly profession - one in which I also had an interest. I was able to view some of this person’s work and found it to be amazing. At the time I didn’t even question whether this was ethical. It was just curiosity - a quick and simple search. Now I wonder, was my “Googlee” offended?</p>

<p>If you google this topic, and I’m sure some of you already have, you will find numerous references to the ethics of colleges googling applicants, and even on the ethics of doctors googling their own patients.</p>

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<p>I’m quite sure that people have been going to references like “Who’s Who in America” before meeting, interviewing or entertaining certain other people as long as those references have existed. Going to Google is similar and if the purpose is just info-gathering, I don’t see where the age differences, etc. enter in. Everything in my Google references, my husband’s and my son’s is as appropriate as what would be found in such a guide.</p>