<p>missypie - agree with you completely!</p>
<p>Life wasn’t easier. Just less options available.</p>
<p>Sure, Hindoo. A decoupage piece using large letters cut out of magazines, on the order of a ransom note? Does that sound good?</p>
<p>Sounds like something the Zodiac Killer might send me. … But, I guess it’ll do.</p>
<p>I agree, missypie. </p>
<p>I think it’s ridiculous to condemn people as being quitters or selfish when they decide to end their marriage–for whatever reason. It is their marriage, they are the ones who have to deal with each other and make decisions about their lives.</p>
<p>If I gave anyone the impression one should stay in a marriage to preserve the institution, or that only selfish people divorce or that I have an agenda to dictate your marriage I am being misunderstood. My own marriage is work enough for me thank you very much. And hey, if your worldview says that nobody’s else’s marriage affects you, so be it. I see it as a bigger picture, a human family and I am saddened when it falls short.
Sorry if I pushed some buttons, it was not my intent.</p>
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I hear you. Many couples were miserable.</p>
<p>When I married, my in-laws were in their late 70’s early 80’s. They had been married over 50 years. They never spoke to each other. When her youngest was born my MIL moved out of the maritial bedroom and into a room of her own. They had separate bank accounts and had all the household expenses divided up to the penny.
Once I remember going to visit and my MIL was wearing her coat. The furnace had run out of oil. It was my FIL’s job to order the oil and pay for it - he forgot and she would not. She had plenty of money in the bank but would rather be cold than pay for oil for the furnace.</p>
<p>The fact that some stayed in bad marriages is not a reason to discount the idea of marrying for life. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that the type of people who live in long term unhappy marriages may not be any happier being married to other people. People who are difficult to live with are simply difficult to live with - no matter who they’re married to.</p>
<p>Since children are negatively affected by both bad marriages and divorce, the goal should be finding someone that one can live happily and peacefully with. That entails really looking closely at a dating partner’s character, sense of humor, sense of fairness, sense of ethics, work ethic, grooming habits, etc…before getting serious with that person.</p>
<p>Like most cc “discussions” , IMO, this one comes down to </p>
<p>1) projection of our own life experiences on to the general issue and (as a part of that) </p>
<p>2) the definitions we are choosing. </p>
<p>It is clear to me (from my admittedly haphazard reading of this thread) , that nobody is saying “stay in bad marriage”. It is equally clear that nobody is saying that “trading spouses in like cars” is that great an idea, either. </p>
<p>We may have real differences of opinion as to where the lines should be drawn, and that’s plenty O.K… Both positions at their edges seem pretty indefensible to me.</p>
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<p>Pet peeve. It’s NOT a 50% divorce rate. The # of divorces in a given year is about half the # of marriages in a given year, but the denominator for divorces is every couple who is married at the time. The actual divorce rate is more in the 14%-18% range.</p>
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<p>I agree. My dad was one of eleven children (two died in childhood) and my MIL was one of ten. Somehow I don’t think those grandmothers had any options - and I can’t imagine they would have been looking for a paramour!</p>
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<p>True. Or they might be happier just being divorced and married to no one.</p>
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<p>And what makes you think that the Gores (or any other long-married, then divorced couple) didn’t do that? Who said they didn’t love one another deeply and passionately for many, many years? </p>
<p>People change. Circumstances change. Things happen to people that no one could have predicted. (Do you think the twenty-something Gores thought one day that he’d be running for POTUS?) </p>
<p>You seem to think that this is something people can avoid by “better” planning.</p>
<p>If you were talking about some Britney Spears married-for-2-days-to-a-guy-I-met-at-the-hotel-bar kind of deal, then you’d have a point. But serious, real people? What makes you think they didn’t carefully consider before getting married, and they didn’t have a strong, loving marriage for many many years?</p>
<p>Indeed the fact that they are separating so civilly / amicably is evidence of how strong the bond was. They want to do right by one another and by their grown children instead of tearing them all apart. Very different from if one of them were caught in bed with someone else.</p>
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<p>My gparents loved one another dearly and were married for 60 years when my gfather passed away. Yet they were always realistic about the fact that at one point they had a rough spot, my gf cheated on gm. She wound up taking him back and they stayed together and they made their true peace over it. But she never acted as though that was a “nobler” choice to make than divorcing. It was just the choice that worked for the two of them. It was possible that they loved one another very much, AND that they went through rough patches. Life isn’t simple and can’t be wrapped up in neat bows.</p>
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<p>That is so funny because I bet many of us could tell similar stories. H says that once there were no kids in their house, his grandfather lived in the basement and his grandmother lived upstairs. Yes, that marriage lasted over 60 years.</p>
<p>My mom and dad were married for 65 years, until his death last year. My mom is completely lost without him. I would love for her to even be open to meeting someone else. Instead, I fear she is fine with hastening her own death by not taking care of herself.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s death and how your mom is taking it Catera, my dad died @ 43 when my mom was 39, I was 17 and the oldest of 3 kids, youngest sister was 11.</p>
<p>Mom dated and had various companions over the years ( she died in Dec @ 75), but never remarried- however, she was fairly happy until my brother moved in with her last summer after his own separation from his wife.</p>
<p>Women are generally more resilent than men, how many men ( of that generation) don’t even know how to cook or clean for themselves?</p>
<p>You might also watch for depression- that could be treated with nutrition/exercise - elderly parents are often on meds- which exacerbate the need for additional nutrients- but they might already be taking so many pills they don’t want to take anymore.
:(</p>
<p>One thing that struck me in some of the posts- about a partners sudden behavior changes- is that behavior changes often mark * health* changes.</p>
<p>Heart disease seems to go along with irritability- even when undiagnosed and not on meds. My sisters BIL even had a brain tumor that wasn’t found until after all other personality changes had been investigated.</p>
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<p>I know quite a few elderly (and not so elderly) widowers who remarried within a year of their wife’s death. I don’t know a single woman who has done the same thing.</p>
<p>If Gore is to marry a young woman and starts a family with multiple kids, that’s really not fair to Tipper because he won’t be who he is without her.</p>
<p>I like this…</p>
<p>“So let us not feel shocked or sad about the end of Al and Tipper Gores marriage. Let us instead wish them well, and hope that they might enjoy their third age, individually and in peace.”</p>
<p>[Op-Ed</a> Contributor - The 40-Year Itch - NYTimes.com](<a href=“Opinion | The 40-Year Itch - The New York Times”>Opinion | The 40-Year Itch - The New York Times)</p>