<p>I was very sad to read about this. I’ve always believed that no one really knows what goes on in a marriage but the two people involved.</p>
<p>I will be very, very surprised if it doesn’t turn out that one of them–probably him, because women endlessly pursue powerful men–has another relationship in the wings.</p>
<p>When I posted my comments earlier, I did not mean it in a judgmental tone of voice, but rather and disillusioned and wondering tone. As in WHY?</p>
<p>For example, I have a dear friend I have known all my life. Married to what would seem a great guy. Her parents divorced when she was in her 20s or 30s and she and her siblings have been upset about it ever since. A few years ago her sister had a mid-life crisis, left her husband and was really behaving wildly. The leaving her DH part was not as much as a surprise as her inappropriate behaviour, she was basically out partying and sleeping around at 45-50. There were some very risky components to the way she was acting.</p>
<p>My friend and I spoke nearly every week over the past several years as this has unfolded and my friend was so very upset with her sister, upset that she was doing this to her kids and that the way she did it left 100% no chance her DH would make any effort to change and grow as he needed, because she embodied a “bad girl” so he was on his high horse.</p>
<p>In these conversations she also often brought up her disappointment with her parents not working harder and splitting up.</p>
<p>A few months ago my friend asked her DH for a divorce :eek: What? Wait, after all you said? She shared a few reasons, but mainly it was the grown apart thing, they had been traveling for work and she got used to living without him and did not feel like putting up with his foibles any more, just tired of it.</p>
<p>Within a month she was fully engrossed in a new love, but I am certain that did not happen before the divorce request.</p>
<p>I also agree with what every one has said above about the fact that you never know what goes on behind closed doors, that the family with the amazing “Christmas letter” life may have troubles you cannot imagine. Even if my friend wanted to tell me every single big & small reason they broke up, she could not convey the history and significance of 20+ years of experiences and why XYZ bugs her so much, right.</p>
<p>I know a couple who broke up when he had cancer; one who broke up when a spouse could not live the lie any more and came out as gay; a couple whose DH had never held a stable job (ironically he has since the divorce); a couple where one spouse became a public cross dresser (they had a coming out party BBQ) and was going to surgically change sexes; a couple whose DH is a functioning alcoholic; a couple where the spouse had surgery and is now disabled; several couples who just grew apart. Any most of these life happenings were a surprise to our community at the time. They all divorced when the empty nest hit or when the kids were in HS.</p>
<p>I suppose I am lucky we hit a seriously bad spell before 10 years, because going through that together caused us to be more honest and to get to know each other better than anything else could have done. After enduring what we went through together, nothing else seems worthy of a break up. We did, though, learn that we must both work to be responsible for our own happiness and yet still care deeply about each others’ happiness. We support each others hobbies and try not to vent on each other and try to be each others best friend. It does not always work and I seriously do not think we would be in this spot had we not had to endure about 5 years of our own personal hell. </p>
<p>Whoever said it above, I think the divorce cooties are partially fear of contagion, if it can happen to you, can it happen to me? One of my good friends is separating this week and my DH and I are going to go out of our way to have her over on random summer evenings as she is moving near our home, but we also have to figure out how to support the DH. I am sorry the “cooties” were such a negative experience! They look like they have a wonderful family and wonderful life, but I am also aware of some of the issues they have been working on.</p>
<p>
Quote of the day! And I completely relate. Thanks, ek!</p>
<p>O.K. . I’ll dive in. 2 of my sisters are divorced and it was the right thing to do. One was after 25 years. Should have been sooner. Dang near lost herself along the way. Not abusive in any objective sense just …soul-sucking. She’s better now. ;)</p>
<p>OTOH, I have had occasion to know a fella or two who engaged in serial marriage. They’d wake up one day and decide “I’m not deliriously happy anymore. OKTHX. G’bye.” </p>
<p>It may be that some folks have higher standards/happiness requirements than others. If I were to speculate, that would be my guess as to the underlying reason here. As to how that presented…and whether it was spectacular or mundane…I dunno.</p>
<p>P.S. I was gonna say “whether that presented itself with a bang or a whimper” but I thought better of it. 
You know how some folks around here like their double entendres .</p>
<p>And sometimes one partner is willing/compelled to adapt to the changes that life brings, and the other spouse cannot handle it. If that spouse is unwilling to discuss or bring it to therapy, and instead uses those changes as an emotional weapon…sometimes it’s leave, withdraw or die.</p>
<p>I think there must be a third party involved. Perhaps an affair was discovered after they purchased the mansion in Montecito.
I think we can expect to see Al Gore going public with a new partner very soon.</p>
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</p>
<p>Not necessarily. People do change during marriage. Life experiences can leave them bitter and angry. A guy who was an absolute delight in high school is now an angry, hateful, divorced 52 year old, mostly due to the fact that his chosen profession sort of went out of existence. </p>
<p>I also think that we DO turn into our parents, but many of us don’t turn in to our mother/father until we have kids of our own. I met my husband on his first day of college. He couldn’t stand his dad. His dad didn’t understand him. He and his dad were nothing alike. And so it remained for 14 years, until we had our first child. There are times when I think I am living with my FIL.</p>
<p>I have often thought that NOT being extraordinarily wealthy is probably good for a marriage. </p>
<p>Love my spouse. A lot. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and are each other’s best friend. But I have to wonder if we would work as hard as we do when things get boring if we were as wealthy as the Gore’s. Oh, we could manage if we were to split up, but not as comfortably as we do by being together. It just seems to me that it would be far easier to decide you would be happier apart if your lifestyle would remain essentially the same.</p>
<p>People change during life. An upbeat person can easily change when the realities of adult life and difficulties hit. </p>
<p>People also grow apart, many spouses end up not sharing the same level of interest/ambition/ability where life goals are concerned.</p>
<p>This couple shared extreme political ambition. When that pursuit ended it would not be surprising for them to feel they no longer wanted the same thing IMO. Though I also agree with the poster who guesses a third party may well end up being involved.</p>
<p>I just think that when you set the criteria for leaving a spouse as, “Well, I’m just not happy anymore and I want a new, fun romance,” you lose all moral authority when others follow your example. </p>
<p>How can you be upset at your son in law if he leaves your pregnant daughter at 7 months of pregnancy because he’s not happy anymore? Or, what if he leaves because your grandchild was born with a defect, and he thinks it will make his life too unhappy? You have no moral authority to even be upset when you’ve set the bar so low. </p>
<p>The problem with divorce without serious reasons is that it’s scandalous to your children and your community. Not in the tabloid sense, but in the “example it sets for others” sense. Divorce begets divorce. </p>
<p>(To further explain “scandal”: We’ve become used to idea that “scandal” means some kind of public embarrassment from wrong-doing. But, an earlier meaning of “scandal” is that the behavior - if not identified as being wrong - gives others “permission” to do the same without fear of any consequences. </p>
<p>For instance, if a school is known not to discipline those who cheat, it scandalizes the other students. The other students are then more likely to cheat because they haven’t been told or shown that there are any negative consequences for cheating. ) </p>
<p>Believe me. I would NEVER suggest that anyone put up with a horrid situations (such as abuse (verbal included), infidelities, addictions, etc). But, just “not being happy anymore” and “finding a new love would be so much more fun” does not seem the place to set the bar.</p>
<p>I want to teach my children that within reason, they should pursue happiness, not try not to be a moral authority. There is notihing immoral in deciding a marriage is not working. I don’t think the lesson will stretch to their being comfortable leaving pregnant wives.</p>
<p>I worry about the scores of kids who view their parents’ unloving marriages as the norm. My ex thought it was fine to have a relationship devoid of affection and real connection not related to the kids. It was all he knew before counseling, and then it was too late.</p>
<p>I guess human beings, unlike Canadian geese, don’t mate for life. … Every couple I met through my husband when I moved to Kentucky and married him (back in '86) is now divorced. Every last one of them. Six couples, all wonderful people, all seemingly happy and in love. Various reasons for the divorce–infidelity, growing apart, etc. … It always hits me hard when people divorce who I “thought” seemed happy together. But as others here have said, you never really know what’s going on inside a marriage.</p>
<p>Re: The Gores. There’s a bit of irony here, considering that they were once (publicly) the poster kids for a Happily Married Couple. For a long time, I figured the Clintons were the ones on the rocky road to splitsville–but in their advanced middle age, they seem to have worked out … something. At least for now.</p>
<p>I agree redroses. Moreover, I would rather my son in law leave my pregnant daughter than stay because of some sense of duty and feel trapped and miserable and make everyone else miserable. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t expect some effort to be made before the decision to split. There’s worse things in the world than being a single parent, and living with a man who is only there because of a baby is one of them. We can’t put our own idea of a serious reason onto someone else. Suppose my daughter lied about being on birth control and knew that my son in law didn’t want kids but got pregnant anyway? Is that a good reason to leave? That was rhetorical because there are a thousand what ifs when we try to use our moral compass to guide someone else.</p>
<p>One of the Gores daughters recently was married - and divorced - not long after the wedding day. </p>
<p>I wonder if that plays into this equation? Perhaps one or both of the Gores realized that they just weren’t happy, anymore. I doubt it’s the idea of a “fun, new romance”. For those inclined, they can certainly have a romance without a separation or divorce (which is another whole ugly can of worms.)</p>
<p>Great post #92, Redroses! I agree. My parents were miserable for 29 years before my dad died at the age of 51. No infidelity, no abuse, no alcoholism - just two people who shouldn’t have married in the first place, shouldn’t have had 3 kids, and shouldn’t have stayed together after they did. I’m happy that my mother has since found a rewarding marriage, and I’m sorry that my father never did. I hope that my children can find life partners with whom they can build good marriages the first time out. But I would much, much rather they be happily divorced than unhappily married - even for what others may not consider compelling reasons. </p>
<p>
Not being happy anymore is not necessarily tied to thinking that finding a new love would be “fun.” Personal fulfillment is not a trivial thing. I think a fair argument can be made for staying together for the sake of young children as long as both partners want to, and are willing to make mutual sacrifices. But not for the sake of the grandchildren, neighbors, or society at large.</p>
<p>So…then…what?..get rid of the “til death do us part”? </p>
<p>Should we just insert, “til one of us is unhappy”?</p>
<p>Why get married at all?</p>
<p>I think the reaction some of are having to “not being happy anymore” is that it could mean “I just don’t want to do my share of the work keeping this relationship going.” If that’s what it is, I don’t find it a particularly honorable reason to split up. If, on the other hand, it means, “I’ve tried all I can to make this relationship go, but it hasn’t worked, and I don’t think we can be happy together anymore,” that’s a different story.</p>
<p>Problem is, people tend to marry young (or young-ish) and thereafter raise families. Finding an ideal and lasting match is hard enough, but finding it early in adulthood would seem even more difficult.</p>
<p>Till death do us part is a sick concept IMO, and many choose their vows to better reflect their views today.</p>
<p>The idea that there is honor in staying in a bad relationship throws me. Why would we want to teach our children this is good? Life is simply too short to not make the most of it.</p>
<p>Why get married? To me, marriage is a good institution to raise kids in altough more and more are doing it very successfully outside of marriage. With kids raised I probably would not get married again. I hope to find a partner to grow old with, but I see no reason to marry again at my stage and see a lot of potential negatives.</p>