<p>A dear friend’s rather unkind kid has gone through K-12 with DD, and caused a fair amount of hurt feelings for a few years until DD learned how to detach and avoid. The mom friend is very sweet – evidently too sweet and doting to stand up to the kid, who is as nasty to her as anybody. </p>
<p>The mom-friendship has survived through my sheer determination to keep the two things separate. Now there’s a grad party. They did not say “no gifts” on the invitation. I would normally show up with a hostess gift for the parents and a modest ($25) gift card for the grad. Would I be a jerk to show up with only the hostess gift, in this situation? I am tempted to skip altogether, but my friend wants her friends to celebrate with her, and I understand that.</p>
<p>Not sure how to edit – I mean that I’m tempted to skip attending the event altogether, and just avoid the issue. I would not show up empty-handed, if I go.</p>
<p>You are right. I had to use a lot of emotional self-discipline to avoid losing the adult friendship over this. And I honestly think they sort of do want gifts. So I should probably be the bigger person, one more time; I’ve come this far, and this is the end of it. (Until I get a wedding invitation.)</p>
<p>Curious if anybody else has encountered this.</p>
<p>boysx3, I love the donation idea! I think my affection for the idea is a little passive-aggressive, to be honest, but it would be nice to see lemonade made from lemons. And I find it distasteful to participate in the indulgence of this ungrateful, entitled kid.</p>
<p>$25 gift card for either Amazon or her college bookstore in a card. I would definitely not show up with just a hostess gift, no matter how much you dislike your friend’s kid.</p>
<p>In my older years, I sometimes reflect on things I chose to do or not to do, and often wish I had done things differently. I think in the case described I would just go and bring my normal gift. </p>
<p>I think the donation is too passive-aggressive – seems obvious to me on the face of it. What about a card with $10 in it? If you would normally give $25 and this kid has been horrible, then I might just give less (sort of like a bad tip when service is awful…).</p>
<p>I always think the donation thing is ridiculous. Unless someone has specifically asked you to donate to a cause in lieu of a gift, it is just plainly rude to give a donation to your favorite charity and call it a present for someone else.</p>
<p>Now if you can’t stand going to this party and giving a gift, give an excuse and don’t go. Otherwise, spring for the $25 gift card. You’ve managed to make it this far, keep on a little bit longer. And hey, maybe your friend is absolutely thrilled that the little snot is going away to college!</p>
<p>I like the BB&B idea. He will equate that to not getting anything, but it will appear to be a nice gift to the mom. I couldn’t be as nice to the mom of such an obnoxious kid.</p>
<p>Yes, I think my better judgment is telling me to go with the useful giftcard, just as I did for the other classmates (that I actually liked all these years). If I’m going to keep the nice face on it, I should do what I would normally do. I would surely not feel obligated to give a gift, if not attending. DD is also in the graduating class, we are not planning a party, and I don’t expect DD to receive a gift from this friend.</p>
<p>I think I would come up with an ironclad reason I couldn’t go (enlist a family member to atttest to some important family event.) It woudl just hurt my heart too much to give something to a jerk of a kid who’d hurt mine, out of politeness. I’d just be sure to make it clear I was “dying to go but so sorry this thing came up! let’s get together for lunch so you can catch me up on the occasion!”</p>
This was a gift of choice 30 years ago </p>