<p>^I’m with you, but I think it might be different for many others, including the OP. I was taken aback by the description of kids amassing enormous amounts of money. Definitely not part of our experience, but customs differ.</p>
<p>If it were me and I valued friendship with the parent(s), I’d find an excuse to decline attending and arrange to meet for lunch/dinner. </p>
<p>If I didn’t like the kid for being rude and snotty…especially to my own kid/kin, I’d doubt my presence would contribute positively to the party. </p>
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<p>Indeed. </p>
<p>Graduation parties where graduates amassed gifts and money weren’t typically part of the HS graduation experience of myself and most friends when I was in HS. Most of the kids/parents didn’t have that kind of money and parents and graduates hosting a party wouldn’t want to add what they knew were financial burdens on potential guests. </p>
<p>Also, even my well-off suburban relatives didn’t expect guests to bring gifts for graduating seniors…assuming they even held graduation parties. Something which wasn’t always a given. </p>
<p>How about a copy of Miss Manners as a gift? ;)</p>
<p>OP - It sounds like a good plan. Model graciousness. I agree - this kid may mature in college and pleasantly surprise you. </p>
<p>If it were me I would go to the party because of the friendship with his mom. Maybe give the son a $10-$15 gift card to BBB or Target to use for dorm supplies.</p>
<p>In older days, it was very rude to put “no gifts” on an invitation, even if a person didn’t want gifts. Well intended, but it gave the impression gifts were expected if it hadn’t been for the disclaimer. Rude to expect a gift, that defeats the purpose of a gift. Don’t know if that’s ettiquette today, things change.
Could the OP consider attending but offer only a congrats card for the student, and nothing at that moment for the parents, but while at the party invite parents as their guest for lunch or dinner?</p>
<p>I like donation gifts in general (when we’re talking about recipients who have everything they need). I’m a particular fan of them for bar/bat mitzvahs where the purpose of the celebration is ostensibly the acceptance of the adult responsibility to do good, but they’re lovely for graduations too. Choose a cause that you know your friend treasures.</p>
<p>I like the idea of a BBB gift card, as it is the most likely gift to benefit your friend, not the kid. (Why is everyone assuming that the kid is male? I didn’t see any information about gender in the OP’s posts.) </p>
<p>I also agree with a previous poster that even the worst kids can grow up to be lovely people. I’ve recently connected with my elementary school cohort on facebook. I have been out of touch with these people for 50 years. I was a nerdy, unattractive, unpopular girl. There was a group of popular girls, most of whom were snotty. People are posting old photos, and I am seeing how many social events I missed out on (fortunately, I was not aware of them at the time). Except for one girl, who was always very nice to everyone, and who had a relationship to me at the time because we were the two smartest kids in the grade, the girls were not at all friendly. Not “mean girls” - they never said or did anything against those of us who were not part of the group - but definitely exclusive. These days, some of these “girls” are absolutely lovely people, warm, friendly. I’ve really connected with some of them. </p>
<p>Sorry for the long diversion - my intention was to suggest to the OP that she do whatever is necessary to preserve the relationship with her old friend. There is even the possibility that the kid will change in a good way. So that difficulty might not be there forever.</p>
<p>And I would definitely go to the party - why miss a chance to celebrate the years of parenting together, with the friend and other parents who will be there?</p>
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<p>I’m in this camp, for similar reasons. </p>
<p>This is an awful lot of strife over whether or not to give a kid you don’t like a 10 or 25-dollar gift card. Personally, if I thought someone was keeping score to the point where this was even an issue I doubt I would go at all. Unless, I wanted to go for some reason, of course. And, I do agree with those who say donation gifts are not gifts at all. What kid wants a donation to your favorite charity? That’s just silly, and in this case it’s passive-aggressive and pointless since the kid probably doesn’t care one whit if you like him or her or not, either. (snotty little monster sounds male, btw)</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of donation gifts either. Unless it is to something like a donation to a charity identified by the deceased 's family ,in lieu of flowers! :)</p>
<p>I agree that a $25 gift card to BBB is probably best.</p>
<p>I don’t know how you did it all this time though! I have a hard time hiding my feelings and would have probably shown how little I cared for said child. You sound like a great friend. </p>
<p>I think donation gifts are fine in some circumstances. My mother, for example, donates to The Heifer Fund for her great-grand children at Christmas, since they are inundated with stuff by their parents and others. A kid can identify with giving a goat or a pig.</p>
<p>Although I would be tempted by the donation gift in these circumstances, it would be rather passive-aggressive, I admit. I like the idea of the $25 to BB&B, because it is really a gift to your friend. Also passive-aggressive, perhaps, but less obviously so. B-) </p>
<p>i don’t think a donation is a ‘gift’ in most cases. It just isn’t. It is something the giver would rather do to than giving money or things directly to the recipient. If the recipient were so fond of the charity, they would give the gift to it themselves. IMHO, it is always passive aggressive unless specifically requested by the recipient.</p>
<p>Well, in the case of my mother, she could just choose to give them nothing, since anything she gives them will just be thrown into the pile pile of stuff they already mostly ignore. Perhaps what she is really giving them is the model of being charitable in a mode that a child can easily understand: a goat, a pig, a chicken. </p>
<p>My mom has also been know to give a ‘hive of bees’ or a ‘goat’ (card only) to the grandkids. She usually gives something else as well ;)</p>
<p>However . . . I think you can easily dislike the kid while still attending to “show the flag” for your friend. The kid will be moving out and on with his/her life (God willing) and you can carry on at will with your friendship which may be stronger with the kids out of the way.</p>