Gradzilla

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My soon-to-be high school graduate has, over the last 8 months, gradually transformed into a ginormous BRAT about everything having to do with graduation. </p>

<p>The first signs of trouble were last October when we ordered announcements. She didn’t want announcements at all, pronouncing them to be nothing more than “begging for presents.” Plus “think of all the trees that have to be killed,” and “graduation is an industry and I don’t want to support it.” I was taken aback by her vehemence, but I finally insisted on ordering the minimum (25).</p>

<p>When we went for portraits in November, she had an absolute meltdown (in the studio – nice) when I wanted poses other than the required yearbook shots. She was particularly opposed to cap & gown poses. Again I insisted, and learned how impressively fast a 17-year-old can go from crying mess to gorgeous subject. Every shot is beautiful; I’m glad we got them, and she hates every single one.</p>

<p>She wouldn’t hear of sending more than 4 announcements out, to family only (the wording on the announcement is ambiguous; it sounds like the recipient is being invited when they may not be, due to limited tickets). She refused to send wallet photos with the announcements. She dragged her feet about going to Senior Picnic. She refused to complete the form listing her scholarship for presentation at Senior Awards Night (“it’s bragging”). She won’t hear of a party (just a dinner after commencement, with out-of town family only) or an inscribed cake. She doesn’t want presents. She wants to walk in the exercises, and hates the idea of everything else connected with graduation.</p>

<p>I’ve tried to explain to her that over the years many people have watched her and loved her and helped her, and now they’re excited for her and want to celebrate with her. Like a wedding, it’s a family event. She’s having none of it. My normally rational, considerate, generous child has become a raving maniac about this. We can barely talk about it at this point without fighting.</p>

<p>Some of you are wondering why I’ve put up with this. Yes, I’m still the parent, and I could force the party and the cake on her. I could have called the school myself to make sure her scholarship got announced. I could have mailed announcements myself, to everyone I wanted to, complete with wallets. Maybe I should have. But… I haven’t been able to bring myself to make her even more unhappy than she already obviously is about this. As this has escalated all year, I’ve been more and more uncertain about how I should have handled it.</p>

<p>No doubt she’s experiencing extreme ambivalence about leaving HS, and about going to college, even though she’s going to her dream school in the fall. In addition, D is my parents’ first grandchild to reach this stage, and they are so excited about it that they can talk of nothing else (because of illness, they won’t be attending, and are participating long distance by frequent phone calls and emails). My brother’s oldest child is a HS freshman, and they have been following the whole runup to graduation/college in minute detail for 2 years. As for me, I am so afraid that she’ll regret forever the things she’s missing out of pique, so I keep bringing things up when I should probably just let them lie (“Are you SURE you don’t want to go to Senior Ball?”). For D, I’m sure it all adds up to feeling like she’s in the whole family’s crosshairs, and is rebelling against the intensity of the attention.</p>

<p>It makes me so sad. For years, we’ve (anyway, I’ve) been imagining grad season, and the happiness and celebration that “should” accompany it. Now, one week out, it’s come down to this – I can’t wait till it’s over.</p>

2

<p>Oh, OP, you poor thing. You need a group hug. I’ve been through a few of these things myself, and I know how disappointing it can be when a kid just doesn’t get it. This is about a family life-milestone, not just about the kid!!! This is actually about Mom being happy and realizing that all those paper maiche projects, class cupcakes, 1st-day-of-school shopping trips, and report-card analyses have culminated in this day of celebration. She is a graduate, not a school-kid anymore. The family wants to honor both her and itself. Some kids thank their parents on graduation day!</p>

<p>Let her read your email and this response. Maybe she just hasn’t realized that this is important to you and your parents, and she’s doing it for you…not for herself. </p>

<p>OP’s Daughter - you’re not alone. A lot of your fellow graduates feel the same way. It’s the same thing as having your parents drive you to Homecoming when you’re 15. Suck it up and get through it…but take a digital camera, since someday you’ll actually look back on this memory fondly.</p>

3

<p>You order announcements in October?! </p>

<p>Sorry to hear that graduation isn’t turning out to be the fun family event that every parent envisions. I just returned from an out of town high school graduation (my own D doesn’t graduate for another 2 1/2 weeks). We all whooped it up, most of all the graduate. </p>

<p>I am at a loss to understand why a teenager wouldn’t want to celebrate high school graduation, but I know that one of my family members was adamant that she would not be celebrating her high school graduation. My parents finally convinced her to at least go to the ceremony and get her diploma. I expect that you are right that it was her “rebelling against the intensity of [family] attention,” in my family member’s case.</p>

<p>Is graduation the only area that this vehemence is occurring?</p>

4

<p>I have personally witnessed this type of behavior in my 3 daughters, two of them for the high school AND the college graduation, the third daughter’s graduation is from HS in a couple weeks. Emotionally they are wrecks & do realize that some of these classmates they might never see again. It is a chapter in their lives that is over with & I think it is hard to accept it & move on! It is bittersweet, it is happy and sad at the same time.</p>

5

<p>I’m swimming against the tide here. It is HER graduation. Step back and let her have it her way. I have been through more graduations than I even want to think about between my kids and stepkids, college, high school, grad degrees with one more college and we hope, grad school, in the future. Each one wants to do it differently. We’ve had the big bashes at home, we’ve had grandparents and aunts and uncles fly 1500 miles to the ceremony, we’ve had quiet family only dinners. In the overall scheme of things it is very minor. If she later has regrets she can have a do over when she graduates from college.</p>

6

<p>I guess I have a very different view. I would say that it is her graduation, her milestone, and her choice. I would suggest what I thought was the best choice, but leave the decision to her and accept her choice. I have one daughter that was excited about graduation and did the whole announcements, photos, etc. The second one just didn’t want to be bothered. Like your daughter she had the portraits done, but did not want to make a big deal about it. No announcements. She didn’t even order a cap and gown. She really didn’t want to brag about scholarships, so she didn’t. She was not going to walk in the graduation and I accepted that, but she decided a week before that she wanted to go ahead and walk because she thought about the people that she would probably never see again. Fortunately she was able to wear big sister’s cap and gown and I was happy to see it recycled!!
I don’t think her behavior is terribly unusual, and I understand that it may not be what you envisioned, but I would rather go along with her wishes than create a stressful atmosphere during what should be a happy time. I empathize with your disappointment, but she still sounds like a great kid to me!</p>

<p>crossposted with above : )</p>

7

<p>Do you think your daughter may feel this graduation is turning into someone else’s graduation, not hers? With everyone being so excited about the event, she maybe afraid of not living up to people’s expectation. She is probably thinking about leaving home after graduation.</p>

<p>Here is a bit of our own story recently:
My D1 always wanted a huge sweet 16 party. We planned a year ahead, DJ, hotel sitting, 100+ people…She loved it. I just expected our D2 would want something similar, but every time I brought it up, she was just very noncommittal. Now less than a few months away, I pressed her on her guest list, when, theme…She blurted out about how she didn’t want one. I also felt she would regret it later and blame us for not doing the same for her. After a long talk with her, she said she felt there is too much pressure on her to make sure everyone would have a good time (or maybe even worry about if people would come). But she would still like to do something nice, without a lot of pressure. We then decided to have a smaller party (10 kids) - ice skating in the city, and a dinner party at a nice restaurant, maybe with a limo for transportation. I was throwing another party because D1 had one, and didn’t really take D2’s feeling into consideration. Once we talked it through, we came up with something she would be happy with.</p>

<p>Why not have a talk with your daughter about how SHE wants to celebrate her day, not what everyone else wants from her. Her life is long. She will have many milestones in her life (college graduation, wedding, birth…) for all of you to celebrate with.</p>

<p>Cross posted with above 2.</p>

8

<p>I agree with silvesters mom, PA mom and oldfort. It is HER graduation - why can’t she celebrate the way she wants to? Why would you “force” a party and a cake on her? We didn’t do announcements because the people who mattered most to my kids already knew they were graduating. Each of my kids did a small party which was basically for their HS friends. But that is what they wanted. If they wanted bigger, we would have done bigger. If they wanted none, we would have done nothing except maybe go out to a nice restaurant. There are usually many parties being held by students during the next few weeks after graduation and maybe she just wants to do those. </p>

<p>You know the phrase about choosing your battles? This is one where I think you may want to step back, let her enjoy it her way and then maybe you all will enjoy it more.</p>

9

<p>I agree with silverstersmom and others. </p>

<p>This is her graduation. She should be able to celebrate as she wishes. I imagine that your daughter might feel overwhelmed, pressured and a bit bullied by everyone around her “taking over” her graduation. </p>

<p>I appreciate that she is not interested in buying into the graduation-machine, expecting gifts, etc.</p>

<p>I think if the very important things were presented as requesting a generous favor (the pictures for instance) she may have been more gracious about cooperating.</p>

<p>This posting makes me wonder what will happen when she gets married and does’t want the same kind of wedding as her parents. After having all her wishes bulldozed for graduation I suspect she will elope.</p>

10

<p>I agree with silversvestersmom and others, too.</p>

<p>My son didn’t even ATTEND his high school graduation. I didn’t object, and I still don’t. (And he doesn’t regret it, although he did attend his college graduation four years later and enjoyed it. Different time in his life; different mood.) </p>

<p>My daughter did attend her graduation but made no fuss about it. To her, it was boring routine (she had sat through three previous graduations because she was in the band). She said, “Mom, you will be amazed at how l-o-n-g it takes to call 450 names.” She was right. I was bored, too. </p>

<p>A lot of kids do not want much fuss about graduation. It’s like weddings; there are certain people who want all the bells and whistles and others who just want to go to City Hall and get it over with. For the no-fuss types, the important thing is the change in their lives – from high school student to college student or from single to married – not the ritual that acknowledges it. For those with a low tolerance for hoopla, having to put up with a lot of fuss at an emotionally stressful time (and I think all transitions are stressful), is difficult.</p>

<p>Full disclosure: When my husband and I got married, we wanted to go the City Hall route. Our parents talked us into having an actual wedding. I still regret that we gave in.</p>

11

<p>Living with a 17 year old is liking having a wildebeest in your car trunk.</p>

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<p>I’m not clear how this young woman is a “gradzilla.” She’s asking for nothing except that her graduation be marked in a way that reflects her as a person, not her mother. </p>

<p>I’m also puzzled by the idea that not wanting her parents to spend thousands of dollars on her means she is a “ginormous brat.” Frankly, I admire her ability to resist turning her graduation into something she does not want.</p>

<p>My son’s graduation experience is up to him. I had my graduation, now it’s his turn.</p>

13

<p>I agree with OP’s daughter. I think announcements are just requests for gifts. Anyone who is important already knows she is graduating. I don’t get the family flying in from thousands of miles away. I guess in my family, HS graduation isn’t that monumental. We have local family attend the ceremony and then go out to dinner. The parties are left to the kids. </p>

<p>This is a day she shares with many others in her graduating class. Weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, babies etc are singular events that warrant focus on just one. We focus our grand gestures on these events. No doubt the day is special, a milestone. But perspective is warranted here - there will be many other important days - if we celebrate them all with such festivities, then none will be special.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, OP, but I agree with your D on all points above. (I do think that not having her scholarship announced if everyone else’s is is a mistake, but then I think that announcing everyone’s scholarship awards from the schools they got into sounds like overkill anyway. A NM scholarship, a Coca Cola scholarship, sure.)</p>

<p>She doesn’t sound like a gradzilla. To me, that would be the grad who insists on sending zillions of announcements and having an expensive party with lots of presents. </p>

<p>I sympathize with your desire to celebrate this milestone and share it with friends and family, but in my experience it doesn’t require a lot of hoopla to be meaningful.</p>

<p>We ended up ordering a copy of the official video because my parents couldn’t come due to illness. We also got copies of the official photo taken when his diploma was handed over. No portrait, no announcements, no party (there were plenty of others given by other kids in the ensuing weeks).</p>

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<p>I think your D sounds like the exact opposite of Gradzilla. She’s trying to keep things low key. It sounds like she’s not comfortable with the whole thing. I wouldn’t force it on her. It’s her graduation, not yours. I do understand your frustration, and your desire to have a celebration, but forcing it on her is only going to cause friction and unhappiness between you. FWIW, I think in years to come she will be glad you insisted on the graduation pictures. This too shall pass. . .</p>

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<p>Lol, toadstool. In your car trunk? How about with a key to your house?</p>

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<p>Neither of my kids wanted announcements or parties. H and I are laid back, and would have easily gone either way, so we had no difficulties. I did, however, insist that my S walk in his graduation ceremony even though he didn’t want to, a small price for him to pay considering all that we do for him. And he smiled for our pictures. Most of our extended family live in other states, and we don’t get together over the holidays, so it was pretty natural for us to have a low key graduation. I can see that it might be more of an issue if you have lots of relatives who regularly get together for celebrations.</p>

<p>My S’s reluctance to celebrate didn’t have anything to do with being ambivalent about leaving home. He has spent the past school year happily 2000 miles away from home, coming home only for winter break. He just doesn’t like parties – he prefers one-to-one or small groups.</p>

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<p>My DS’s perspective is that graduating from HS is a given these days–at a minimum! So all the hoopla is not warranted because the kids are only doing what they should be doing. We have followed his lead (no announcements, no special ad in the HS newspaper congratuating him, very low key family dinner celebration), but fortunately he never considered not walking…</p>

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<p>Thank you all very much for your perspectives. D would feel vindicated! And beginning today, I’m going to take your advice and back off – I wish I’d posted this back in October!</p>

<p>The reason I’ve felt so pressured about this (and have in turn pressured D) is that education in general, and graduation in particular, are a HUGE deal in my family. E.g., if my parents had to choose between attending a close family member’s graduation or that person’s wedding, they’d choose the graduation without hesitation; that’s the mentality I grew up with. Until this drama, I thought every graduate felt that way! But as many of you put it so well, even though family is involved, this is her event, and it was my job to buffer her from family wishes, not the other way around. (Why can’t kids come with owner’s manuals…). Add my over-the-top sentimentality about milestones, D’s tendency toward being <em>ahem</em> strong-willed, and her status as our only child, and you have the witch’s brew of emotion that has led to this. </p>

<p>But she is indeed a great kid, and a sensitive one who will immediately feel and appreciate any change in my point of view. I regret the many bad moments we’ve had, but we still have a week, and I’m determined to let her take the lead from here on out, and celebrate it her way.</p>

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<p>“graduation is an industry and I don’t want to support it.”</p>

<p>If she thinks graduation is an industry and she doesn’t want to support it, wait till she gets to a wedding! :)</p>

<p>Well, at least she will walk and have a small family dinner.</p>