<p>I think you are a good mother and I think you have raised a very smart and head-strong daughter. I have to agree with her that some of the stuff the industry expects us to buy is wasteful.</p>
<p>Sounds like you are handling things well, LasMa. It would be wonderful if she wanted to celebrate the way you had hoped, but she doesn’t and it sounds like you have wisely chosen to pick your battles. Hopefully she’ll be a bit more excited about college graduation. </p>
<p>If it helps you at all, last year my 2 s’s graduated HS and college on the same morning, and it was also my younger s’s 18th birthday that weekend as well! Due to the logistics of the 2 boys in different cities, we couldnt have a party. I did do the cake/baloon thing at the house, but younger s was busy going to parties of other friends, and seemed to hop from one to the next over the weekend. It was fun for him, and he had a good time. I felt a bit left out of all the celebrations (we did have a small luncheon after the ceremony with some close friends). A year later… its a remote memory.</p>
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<p>Yes, LasMa, you are one impressive lady to be so gracious. Have a wonderful graduation! (And may your D be better behaved during her final summer than my only S, who swung between delightful and so horrible that I wanted to send him early! 
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<p>Thumper, thank your for that thought…it’s a keeper! Today I told my formerly sweet baby, (who was whining incessantly about doing gardening with me to get ready for the grad party that she wants), that she may not even live to see graduation! I am a very bad mommy…</p>
<p>“I agree with grad on the industry part. We passed on the class ring.”</p>
<p>Neither of mine wanted a class ring. I wonder if rings are going out of style or parents aren’t too keen on shelling out $600 for a boy’s ring.</p>
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<p>Why can’t everyone take the announcements as what they are: announcement of an accomplishment? I like getting graduation announcements. I don’t think that it is a problem to send a congratulation card with no gift.</p>
<p>Do daughters that this become wives like that? </p>
<p>We have a son. And now I am worried for him.</p>
<p>I’m with the “whose graduation IS this” camp. Our S is out of the country on a year-long exchange program. He won’t be back until well after graduation. He has missed or will miss all the events associated with graduation - parties, prom, awards, senior dinner, and commencement. His choice and he’s fine with it. We made our our decision that we are going to the senior dinner and maybe commencement anyway, just to see S’s classmates and their parents. We have no graduation pictures, no announcements, no parties planned. I doubt he will have any regrets later in life. Everyone chooses their own milestones.</p>
<p>"Do daughters that this become wives like that? </p>
<p>We have a son. And now I am worried for him."</p>
<p>If my sons married women like the OP’s D, I’d be happy because my sons would have found women who shared their values.</p>
<p>My fear is that my sons will want to marry women who salivate at the thought of gift registries, want huge weddings and lots of showers. H and I had a simple, inexpensive wedding, no showers, and no gift registry.</p>
<p>nunya-
Totally agree about the HS ring being a waste. Once they graduate they never wear it again. My older s wanted one, but wanted the cheapest he could get. The company tht sells their HS rings makes their cheapest out of some unknown material they call “celestrium” [High</a> School Class Rings for Him: Balfour](<a href=“http://www.balfour.com/HighSchool/HighSchool/Rings/His/Default.aspx?s=16783&sc=true]High”>http://www.balfour.com/HighSchool/HighSchool/Rings/His/Default.aspx?s=16783&sc=true). Its apparently a stainless steel alloy material. My s used to say that he bought the one made out of “cheap-skatium”. Very few got the joke (that he was a cheapskate), but we always laughed. Wonder where that HS ring is…</p>
<p>He does wear his college ring, though.</p>
<p>My older daughter would love a huge wedding and lots of presents someday. But I am sure she will find someone to share her love of celebration. As a mother, I am looking forward to the day when I could help my daughters to pick out/pay for their dream wedding dress.</p>
<p>I know few girls who actually buy HS rings due to the ugly factor. My D initially wanted one but balked at the prices vs. quality offered now. Over the years I’ve passed along jewelry pieces that I received from my parents in high school and that she likes. Since we’re now living in the town I grew up in, I offered her my class ring since they still use the same design and it’s 14K gold. She thought that was a great idea, but I’ve never actually seen her wear it…then again, I rarely wore it either!</p>
<p>Ah, LasMa, thank you for sharing with us. I can understand a lot of what you are going through. S wasn’t quite so adamant about things, so he had senior pics taken (clean-shaven!!!), and has gone to some recent special recognitions involving him that he didn’t want to. I tried to get him to go to the Senior Prom, but he didn’t. He will walk at graduation, but I had to practically force him to get the addtional trimmings he earned(NHS stole, honor stole and tassel…it’s still up in the air whether he will buy the Performing Arts tassel; I suspect that will depend upon what color it is). </p>
<p>He graduates at 6:30 p.m. in the evening, so we are having a barbecue for visiting family. His gf will come, but he doesn’t really want to ask anyone else from school. As he pointed out, most will be doing things with their own families that evening. He will go to the all-night post-graduation party at a local rec center sponsored by the PTSA. </p>
<p>He made some noise about wanting a high school ring, but we told him they were a waste of money. Two years ago the school gave him a state champion ring (for being state debate champ), so he ended up getting a school ring, after all.</p>
<p>I guess that to me, graduating high school doesn’t feel like enough if an accomplishment to warrant telling people about it. It’s normal and expected, barring special circumstances.</p>
<p>Pizza, I agree with you. In the CC crowd, and my Ds HS crowd, it is just a milepost on the way to college. We are doing a small family dinner. I dont even remember what my family did for my graduation.</p>
<p>To the OP mom, if you just found out at 17 that your D does not want to do some major things the way that you expected, consider yourself truly blessed. I really have been learning since my D was about age 4 or 5 that her childhood and experiences were not going to be anything like my own. To wit, no brownies or girl scouts, no dancing lessons, and many other things I could name. She has found her own activities and things that she likes over the years, and I wish I had tried some of them when I was younger. I think the no party, no fuss thing is also personality driven (obviously), and that as a good mom, you must realize that to her it is probably not a mistake - now or ever. Yes some of us wish that the folks might have made a bigger deal or whatever over us, and those folks had different experiences that shaped their views. If you offered, and it was turned down, stop beating yourself up. Personally, I think that some people make way too much fuss, and they are the “gradzillas”. We have some extended family that can not think of enough ways to celebrate, and I personally ran out of enthusiasm years ago for many of these. I realize that graduation is special, especially if you have only one child, and your D might occupy a special place in your family, but they can find another way to wish her heart felt congrats.</p>
<p>I’m on the other side from most of you, but not entirely with the OP either.</p>
<p>I think the teenager is acting out of line. It’s one thing to rationally say she doesn’t want announcements or class ring. That is crassly commercial, and most people who go on to college aren’t that interested in high school class rings anymore anyway.</p>
<p>But to do a meltdown in the photography studio means a heck of a lot more than taking simply a different view point from her parents. It think that does argue there is a much higher emotional component.</p>
<p>Ever since our kids were toddlers, we had “kids’ days” - school days, weekends, normal days in general - they dressed anyway they liked, with any clothes they liked (so long as they fit the school dress code). But on “family days”, they had to recognize the opinions and feelings of others. That meant a different dress code and a slightly different set of behaviors on Christmas, birthdays, etc. I have always felt that kids need to learn to compromise and recognize the feelings of others. </p>
<p>I think the OP’s daughter needs to back off, and remember that graduation parties are meaningful for families, not just a personal thing. It may be her graduation, but it’s not all about her. If she is afraid of the future, and nervous about leaving the family, she is not doing herself any favors by throwing tantrums in public.</p>
<p>I agree on “family days” teens have to recognize the opinions and feelings of others, which means khakis instead of jeans at grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. Totally am with you there.</p>
<p>But this wasn’t a “family day.” If the OP had wanted professionally posed pictures of her daughter, they could have come to a mutual agreement to have them taken at some other time. I don’t blame the daughter for not wanting professionally posed pictures in cap and gown (beyond that which might be required for a yearbook). I think those pictures are kind of cheesy, honestly – who’s really going to display those pictures? I don’t blame the daughter for not wanting the announcements either. It seems that the mother, with all good intentions, had a certain feel for what she wanted her daughter to groove to, and the daughter doesn’t groove that way. I struggle with this with my own teenagers, because some of the things that they’ve rejected are things that I would have killed for as a teen, but I’m not them. </p>
<p>I’d really like to throw my kids a hs graduation party and I have something in mind – but when the time comes, I really am going to have to go with their wishes (within reason, of course), and if they want something smaller than what I might want, then so be it. It’s not about me. I graduated from hs already.</p>
<p>Having said that, I think the OP is quite gracious and has taken this in the spirit intended.</p>
<p>I am sorry your DD has behaved this way. I will be on the other side of the fence for DD, she grad next yr.</p>
<p>DS1 grad. last yr. He took everything in stride and was totally ambivalent about it. In the south you not only do the cap and gown pic, but also posed pictures. the photographer tells you to bring any kind of prop you want and how many ever number of outfits you want to take a picture in. DS went in khakis, white polo and rainbows, totally casual, and yanked out of the closet 15 minutes before leaving. The studio filled, with at least 15 other kids getting theirs done, broke out in laughter when he entered with his prop. Our white boxer, Myrtle, of course the dog was digging the attention of everybody petting her. He was the only hs grad that brought their pet. The studio was also shocked, and you could see running through their mind I hope she doesn’t use the floor as a toilet, and also maybe we should give them a list of what they can and can’t bring. The shots were phenomenal and I think it made doing it dealable to him. The studio had contacted me and asked if they could keep the picture and use it in the studio. I asked do I ever get it (because it is big 18 x 24)…NOPE. Do I get my package free? NOPE. I just get the pleasure of knowing it was a great picture and they wanted to promote it. Well its there, and I got squat.</p>
<p>We had a 2 party system, family in the afternoon and his friends in the evening. Sent out 2 different invites, so we could do it that way. Family was more than happy to leave when the kids starting entering, since they were there already for about 4 hours. This also made DS1 happy, because he tolerated us throwing the party, since he knew that his grandparents wouldn’t be an embarrassment when the friends came over.</p>
<p>For us it was all about compromise, I respected his desires, no announcements and wanting to hang with friends. I didn’t sent announcements or pics, he got to hang with his friends (they are all going to party somewhere, and he realized his house was just as fine, plus he didn’t have to drive) and I got the family party.</p>
<p>DD on the other hand, already has her outfits picked out for the pics, her props and types of poses she wants. She has known this since DS1 had his done 2 yrs ago.</p>
<p>She also informed us that she wants her party to be like DS’s and could we make sure that we ask the out of town relatives to stay in a hotel, like DS’s so they won’t embarrass her. Which I am happy to oblige, b/c I don’t want them under my feet either as graudation is an emotional time for me as a Mom.</p>
<p>DS will probably be the same for his wedding, the entire whatever attitude and tell his bride just tell me what to wear and when to show up.</p>
<p>DD on the other hand will take bridezilla to a whole new level. She one day half-jokingly told me, that because she wants tiger lillies for her wedding, it will have to be no later than early fall, but she wants snow, so maybe we can have somebody come and spray snow! She intends to have the reception at our home (we live on 10 acres), and would like a big tent. I can see it now, I’ll truck in snow and it will rain :eek: or how comical it will look to see my house in the development with a patch of fake snow, and green grass to our left and right at our neighbors house. :D</p>
<p>OP, My kids (boys) were similiar to your D. They did the senior pictures and announcements but were not interested at all in any big family hoopla surrounding graduation. Our sch. is huge so grad. is a big impersonal loud event held in a pro basketball arena.</p>
<p>Both rode to and from grad. (about 15 miles away) with their friends, not us. Both had plans with friends for after grad. S1 stayed home long enough to wolf down a sub sandwich whih his grandparents then took off. S2 came home, changed clothes and charged back out to attend various get-togethers at friends’ homes. No family was here for S2’s other than DH and me.</p>
<p>We did not even get any pics of S2 on grad. day. I made him put the cap and gown back on the day before he left for college so I could take a pic. S2 did not go to prom either.
S1 just graduated from college. I had visions of DH and I taking him out for a really nice dinner telling him how proud we were etc. but by the time it was all over, he was ready for quick food. So we ended up in a dive across fr. campus. Then he was off to party with friends.</p>
<p>I’ll admit I was somewhat disappointed but just as everyone has pointed out. It’s their graduation. I could have forced them to do differently but what kind of memories would that have made? You’ve made the right choice. Let her do it her way. If she has regrets later, she can’t blame you.</p>