<p>I agree with that. But other comments that she’s made lead me to believe that there’s something else going on here. And as I said, I would never treat my own children this way. Like most of us here, I’ve had parents and I am a parent. I appreciate all the great things my parents did for me, but I also try not to perpetuate their mistakes. It sucks that I’ve made some of my own without their help 
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<p>"“Here’s the problem with something like this, and we can all learn this as we get older and our kids get older: If you, as a parent, set up a system differentiating one kid from the other, in whichever way, based on YOUR actions, not emergency situations, or one kid living with and taking care of aging mom, but just YOUR actions, your kids carry this with them into their adult relationships.”"</p>
<p>@poetgrl is exactly right. </p>
<p>If Mom sets this up, age x 100, and tells any DS or DD that formula, then there is no comparison needed between siblings, the formula has been stated, so they might not be actively pursuing information.</p>
<p>I find things like this can make my head spin as I try to look at it from all sides. This seems pretty simple, all kids have 1 birthday every year, and for as long as these gifts are given, youngest DD will be $1000 behind the older sibling each year, that could add up to a pretty big chunk of change.</p>
<p>I have watched parents bend over backwards to be fair to the point of penalizing some people and watched parents blithely give way more to one kid than another.</p>
<p>If a person is just dysfunctional, not actually handicapped, should they get more or is that enabling? If I give a wedding or graduation gift, what do I do for the kid who does not get married or go to school?
h
I feel like I gave my married kid money for a wedding gift which actually equals a ‘grown up & settled down’ gift in their case. If the other kids are not married and in their 30s and settle down, I would likely give them that same amount reflecting a help getting started gift. For a graduation, that is a landmark, earn it or not, your choice, but I would gift similarly for tech & other not university educational milestones.</p>
<p>It is true that life is not fair, but I want my kids to believe I tried to be as fair as possible given the circumstances and I certainly don’t want any kid to feel another was favored.</p>
<p>I am the youngest by many years and also the closest to my parents because I was an only for so long & I really had different parents. I am the one with 100% responsibility for my aging parents, physically, financially, emotionally, everything, None of my siblings seem to give it much thought, I wonder if I had died, would any of them have stepped up? I think I was viewed as the favored baby of the family & therefore it is only right that I take care of the parents. It’s fine, now, as DH & I have a routine & we have worked it out, but initially, I was a bit overwhelmed. I do get a bit of help when I ask specifically, but it’s not easy to arrange. </p>
<p>Isn’t it weird how we all view this stuff. I try to look at what I do through the eyes of each kid to make sure I am on the right track.</p>
<p>At least the parent with the significant inheritance and money to give her kids, gives it. </p>
<p>I know a family in which the woman, in her 90’s, holds all the inherited wealth for herself. It’s in the millions, so it’s not like she’ll outlive her money. Meanwhile at least one of the kids, who would like to retire, can’t afford to, until his mother dies. </p>
<p>Just catching up on this thread. The question I have for the OP is does she know how her siblings feel about the gift giving rules. To me, it seems the best approach would be if the siblings could agreed that all the birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc gifts to individual adult children should be even. Then the siblings, as a group could either a) go to Mom and ask her to change the rules … or b) just adjust things after Mom gives the money to even things out. If you as a group decide to ask Mom to change the gift-giving rules it probably is most likely to work if the person who is getting the most of each gift asks the rules change so they get less so their sibs can get an equal amount.</p>
<p>My MIL has more money than she could ever spend. My BIL–twice divorced BTW-- has a very comfortable lifestyle. My husband and I have enough but have 2 kids on the way to college. Husband is self employed and has some lean times, but he is also making the majority of the household contributions while I make the majority of the money. We live 2 miles from MIL, who is widowed and we are the ones who do things for her. She gives H and BIL the same gifts, usually the max annually without incurring a financial penalty. </p>
<p>Do I think that is fair? In some ways yes, in others well, no. But this isn’t tit for tat. Its her money and we’re happy when it comes our way. </p>
<p>PS - OP, I totally understand why you feel that way. It’s true it’s your Mom’s money and she can do anything she wants with it and that she is being very generous. But, I also know that if I received a gift that was $1000 smaller than my sibling every year it would hurt my feelings and wonder about if my Mom intentionally making my gift smaller.</p>
<p>We’re becoming involved in my parents estate now and there are some differences in how they set things up for my sister and I. It’s my parents money and they can do anything they want with it and we will be grateful for whatever they choose to give to us. All that said my sister is driven to tears knowing our parents put more controls on her than me and wondering if she did something to make them trust her less … and my sister is the one who could write in the parents-caring-for-parents thread about how she is doing more to care for my Mom in AL. It’s totally my parents choice … but the difference in the rules make absolutely no sense to me and seem unfair … and may well create a permanent blemish on my sister’s relationship with my parents … and the situation is so avoidable IMO.</p>
<p>My older siblings are retired now, with retirement funds still recovering from the recession. I am still working so I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their gifts. Years ago my nephew, who is 8 years younger than his next oldest sibling, complained to his dad that he didn’t think grandma’s formula was fair. My brother made the mistake of mentioning this to my mom, and for years after that she made negative comments to me about the nephew. I argued on his behalf, but she couldn’t get over the fact that he had “complained” to his dad. Based on the many unkind comments directed toward me on this thread it seems questioning a gift amount is taboo, regardless how unfair it may seem.</p>
<p>Well, now there is new information, too. You are still working so maybe mom figures the older siblings actually need more money. That said, I’m in the camp that doesn’t think questioning a gift amount is okay, really. Although, we are an open communication family. It gets messy sometimes, but it all gets said.</p>
<p>So your mom has been made aware by family members, and it hasn’t turned out well. She knows others think it’s unfair and doesn’t seem to care. Because your brother knows his ds wasn’t happy with the arrangement seems maybe you could talk to your brother and equalize all payments without your mom’s knowledge (though I am a little concerned what would happen if she found out ) – you and your siblings get one amount and then the next generation as well, though the kids may not like it. Truthfully, I’d do that because it demonstrates fairness to the kids. </p>
<p>Even more, it seems like questioning your mom’s gifts would be received poorly by mom. You already know this, so I’m not sure how much it helps anyone if you get folks to agree or disagree about fairness of what’s happening. Your mom is the person writing the checks and doesn’t want to be told that it’s not fair, so it’s up to you how you choose to proceed.</p>
<p>I agree with HImom, that it’s up to you how to proceed, and that you already know that mom won’t change. I think mom’s wrong, but who cares what I think? As I said before, If it were me, I’d tell her to keep her money. But I was always like that, so I’m not sure it’s good advice for you. I guess it’s all about the rest of your relationship with your mom. Only you know if it’s a relationship that’s valuable enough to you that you want to preserve it, in which case, you accept the gift graciously, and concentrate on the positive aspects.</p>
<p>But I still think that your mother is being unfair, and now I think it’s deliberate. I don’t think it’s fair to brand you as ungrateful. You are just trying to deal with very natural feelings, </p>
<p>This whole situation is why we do not broadcast what we give or receive to others, including sibblings. It just creates hard feelings, even when the donor is trying to be generous and thinks the gift(s) will be appreciated. It is also why we are encouraging my folks to spend all their assets and not bother leaving anything to any of us. We really don’t want to have folks claiming things aren’t “fair.”</p>
<p>Actually if I were a mom I would stop giving any money period. Why do it when there are so much hurt feeling?When I get to 70-90s, I just want peace!</p>
<p>If I were a kid and I don’t agree with or like something my parents did, I would refuse to participate, i.e. not taking any money. Why make yourselves go through all the pain, money is never worth it. I want happiness!</p>
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<p>“Hurt feelings” would be especially silly. Beyond my comprehension. Even if you consider the $1000 a big deal (it really isn’t, this $1000 isn’t going to affect TC’s life in any meaningful way), she knows the reason for it. Not that her mom loves her less or something. What’s there to be “hurt” about? You could argue that her mom is being ignorant or unfair, but she doesn’t see it that way and if she’s sending money to all her kids she probably does love all of them. </p>
<p>I also agree with poetgirl and chocchipcookie. When the mother becomes infirm, the sibs who got the most $ should be the ones expected to give the most care and help. The mother’s scheme comes across as very unfair to me. </p>
<p>I’ve been reading and hesitating to comment. Thereis probably some truth to everything that has been said here. it’s no big deal and it is you r mother’s money to do with as she pleases. But, my family was torn apart by something similar so I know how this goes. </p>
<p>So I came up with an explanation that makes my mom’s formula not only fair, but generous. She did work for the IRS for many years, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she was considering the math all along. Let’s say that her goal is that each kid have “X” amount from her estate at a certain age. For simplicity let’s say I am 50 and my sibling is 60, and my mom will give us age x 100 annually for 10 years, then stop. How much will each of us have at age 70, assuming 5% return compounded?
Answer: My older sibling will have $11094 and I will have $15417. Of course I will need to wait 10 years past the time of the last gift, but the net effect is that I will have about the same amount (not counting inflation) when I reach the same age as the older sibling. I think someone may have mentioned this early on but it didn’t sink in. So I’m going with this rationalization. All other roads lead in directions that I don’t want to go. Thanks everyone for comments, especially enjoyed the examples from other families. </p>
<p>Edit. I did the math wrong, but I think the principle holds up. Sticking with my conclusion anyway…</p>