<p>I agree with MaineLonghorn, but I do understand that others have different views. It does seem that OP is very bothered by this “inequality.” As a person who enjoys gifting, I’d be very sad if my gifts became a competition and be inclined to stop giving entirely and donate my assets to charities and/or spend it all. </p>
<p>I’m glad that my sibs and I do NOT compare gifts and my kids don’t appear to either. We try to gift each according to need and be fair in our minds and hearts about what we give each of them. We have never had any complaints and I would be very sad if I heard any. D knows that her brother got a BIG gift from their aunt when he started college. When she started just a few years later, she only got a very small fraction of that gift. She was grateful she got ANY gift and we gave her what she needed. S never asked us for any spending money in college because of his aunt’s generous gift and never begrudged whatever we gave D, even tho she was in school many years longer and was full pay vs. his generous merit award. Our kids are still best friends with one another and don’t let $$$ drive a wedge between them, despite knowing that they have had different financial advantages in life.</p>
<p>Completely agree with Maine. It’s not an inheritance if you are alive,btw. It’s a gift. And the giver gets to decide how much to give. Now, I do think the age multiplier is a little silly and I’m pretty sure my kids would not have an issue mentioning that they don’t think it’s fair at which point I would explain my rationale or change my practice if I’m convinced. There is no such thing as fair would also probably come up in the conversation. </p>
<p>^^^Post #42 the OP explains that this is an inheritance the mother received from an uncle.</p>
<p>I’ve had issues like this in my family for years. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of a gift meant to be given in it’s full sincereity, knowing that my other siblings got more, or less. Thank goodness my H’s family does things evenly so there are no hard feelings. I’m talking about money people, not a scarf or a sweater. If I received $200 and my older sister received $500 for the exact same type of gift, yes, there would be hard feelings.</p>
<p>Not sure why people have to be so rude in their posts! :(</p>
<p>“Not only does it tell your children you are all of inequal importance, it also sets a very negative pattern in how they view each other.”
This is the undertone of the whole thing, not the money itself really. I could never bring the issue up to her because she knows exactly what she is doing. In some cultures it is common for the oldest children, especially the sons, to be favored. Downton fans will remember Mary’s plight. My mom just believes that the oldest is more entitled, just like she believes only men can be good doctors- but that’s a whole other can of worms. </p>
<p>It’s the MOTHER’S inheritance, not the KIDS’ inheritance. And it’s the MOTHER’S god-given right to give it away (or not at all) in any way she sees fit. Obviously some people count money down to the penny and expect exact amounts as their RIGHT when any gift-giving in their family occurs. I am with Maine and HI and everyone else who feels that’s not the way to go. It smacks of a whiny kid stomping her feet saying, “But Bobby got more cookies than me! It isn’t FAAAIIRR!” </p>
<p>This practice seems to hit the sweet spot between being big enough to notice, but not life changing enough to fight. You’ll need to practice turning this into a really good story to tell over drinks to friends about how crazy your mom is about money. </p>
<p>I understand those who say a gift is a gift, and shouldn’t be expected or compared to what others get. In this case, though, the giver has very publicly set up the terms for expectations and comparison, and they are weird. The part about giving on anniversaries based on how long the current marriage has lasted is icing on the cake. </p>
<p>MIL/FIL give about the same to all, kids, grandkids, birthdays, Christmas. $30-$40. We write thank you notes. </p>
<p>Well, I came from that culture, inheritance is passed to the oldest son. My dad was the oldest son and he got everything but in our culture he was supposed to take care of everybody including his siblings. When my grandfather passed away, he got everything but when he left to go to America he signed over everything to the next inline female sibling. When she died, she signed over to the next female sibling alive.
But if your mother is from one these culture, should you try to change her?
My mom used to favor the oldest son but his family became a disappointment. My next brother was the one that took care of my mom without any complaint when she was ill.</p>
<p>Was the inheritance to the mother? Or to her kids and she is doling it out? </p>
<p>My impression was the mom inherited the money…and therefore it is hers.</p>
<p>The only thing I find odd is that the family feels compelled to discuss what amounts the others are receiving. The mom tells, or the siblings compare notes. Sorry, but in my family, we just do not discuss gifts. In fact, we seldom discuss the value of gifts from the parents. Too much chance for hard feelings do why so this? </p>
<p>The best thing this family could do is stop talking about how much each of them is receiving.</p>
<p>Just an inheritance story: My hubby’s family had an elderly aunt who had never married and therefore saved a lot of money. She lived with hubby’s parents even until she became infirm and eventually passed away. Anyway, by the time she hit 75, she started gifting her savings to her relatives. She was very open about how she was trying to be fair. She basically gifted on a per stipes basis to her nephews & nieces the same amount. Hubby’s parents got the same amount as relatives who had never lifted a finger to care for her. But hubby’s parents were fine with it - in fact they were happy the “never-see-them-except-at-Christmas” relatives would have no basis to imply that they had cared for her for the sake of an inheritance. I felt it wasn’t fair to the care-giving family at all, but I didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree in principle that adult children are fortunate to get anything from their parents. </p>
<p>I never got a dime from my parents after I turned 18 and in fact put my youngest sister thru college myself. </p>
<p>But setting up standardized preferential differentiation between siblings when you are a late in life parent who will expect equal amounts of help and attention from these siblings as you age is a mistake. You already have some kids who’ve gotten more from you. </p>
<p>I don’t care if it is time, money, help, whatnot. It will never be equal. But it ought not be unequal by design. </p>
<p>As we tell our kids, actions have consequences. This is true at all ages. </p>
<p>As our parents age, we are lucky if we don’t have to help support THEM, much less get any gifts from them. This whole thread is very odd to me because I never discuss gifts with my siblings or how much any of us received or give our parents or other relatives. </p>
<p>To this day, I doubt D knows the amount that aunt gave S because none of us told her other than it was very generous–her gift to D was also very generous but not the same (like 1/8 of what S got). D & all the family also knows that on her deathbed aunt gave S aunt’s gently used very, very nice car and all her airline 100Ks miles and gave the other nieces and nephew nothing comparable. As far as any of us know, that has NOT caused hard feelings. It’s all a matter of perspective. None of us could explain it but all of us knew that S was the apple of aunt’s eye and her assets were hers to give (or not) as she chose. She gave most of the rest of her assets to her two brothers evenly. We believe aunt gave niece her nice jewelry, which D believes is great, since niece helped aunt and they were close.</p>
<p>If it your assets, YOU have the option to be as fair (or unfair) as you choose. It seems like a bad idea to criticize the generosity of others and any way I think of it, it looks like whining. In your gifts, you can do what YOU decide is fair, but with someone else’s assets, it is they that make those choices.</p>
<p>It’s fine. But, being around a lot of people with a lot of assets my entire life, and having friends who have been treated unfairly by wealthy parents, I can tell you that those same parents absolutely expect to be treated as if they gave the unfairly treated child the same amount and the same amount of time and attention.</p>
<p>Since I received nothing, I am free to give or not as my parents age. I watch those who are or have been beholden and the only times it’s turned out well, long term, has been when the parents have made an effort to at least appear very fair. When a parent needs care, all of this unfair treatment bubbles to the surface, and it ruins sibling cooperation and relationships. </p>
<p>right or wrong, this is just the case.</p>
<p>People aren’t better than that, and daughters are expected to be, but won’t be. </p>
<p>If you have any expectation at all that your children will be there for you as you age, you had better treat them the way you want to be treated. </p>
<p>And sometime it has nothing to do with money. My brother loved my mother period. He was treated right from her since birth. He never left her sight if I remember, never wanted to go to kindergarten even. If anything he gave her more money than he ever received from her. </p>
<p>There are people who use their gift giving as some kind of power trip.I don’t know if OP’s mom falls into that category, but I agree with poetgrl and chocchipcookie that this is not a pleasant gift giving policy. Fair doesn’t always mean equal, but this is seriously “messed up” as the kids say. I’d advise OP to let it go for her own mental health, but if it were me, I’d tell Mom to keep her gift. It may be her money, and she can decide what to do with it, but not if I refuse it.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine doing such a thing to my own children. My husband’s parents are dead, and so are mine, so I’m not looking at this from the recipient’s point of view. We love both our children, and any monetary inequities are because of circumstances. We don’t go around trying to create them. </p>
<p>Maybe the mom is old and thought that was fair. Maybe the mom thought that the younger one has time to invest and earn twice the amount the older one gets. Maybe the mom thought that the young one’s financial aid situation might be affected if given too much at once. There are thousand reasons.
And even if the same amount is given to each kid, is it guarantee that all siblings are loved equally, is that the question here?</p>