<p>“my parents give us anniversay money that is tied to the number of years married.”
My mom does this too! Actually I come out ahead there, as my one sibling is on her second marriage so had to reset the clock. I totally accept the “things I cannot change” philosophy. My husband and kids never got to meet my amazing father. My brother has more kids so his family gets more; doesn’t matter at all. My parents helped buy my sister a condo after her divorce, good for them; she needed help. Any of us would have stepped in to help her. It’s not about tracking every penny.</p>
<p>For those who work, how would you feel if your boss gave out holiday bonuses based on age if you were the youngest?</p>
<p>“YOU are getting the $100X age for LONGER than they ever can, because they are OLDER.”</p>
<p>We are not the Rockefellers with a multigenerational trust fund. The annual gifts will end when my mom passes, which will probably be before her kids do. So we will each get these gifts for the same number of years. </p>
<p>I was going to give you are hard time about being petty and ungracious… but you are right, it is unfair. She should really think about it a little more. A sibling 10 yrs your senior gets $1000 more than you every single year. That adds up, and you only catch up if that sibling dies and you keep living, or worse you die first after having received far less, or your mom dies and the imbalance lives on forever because surely she won’t give you more in the will because you have received less all these years. Just thinking if the same thing was going on in my family (my sister is 5 yrs younger) I would think it unfair. Not sure how to deal with it, but it does seem unfair. My mother has gone to great lengths to treat us all fairly. She gave one-time gifts of x-amount to each of her children, and a smaller amount to each of her grandchildren. </p>
<p>This is not fair. And something that DOES need to be addressed. The money came to mom and a trust was formed to be equally divided among the kids (or that was her own intent). This is an inheritance being distributed over a number of years in the form of gifts. This money is not random birthday money where one kid got a camera and another a sweater. Mom may think this is a fair distribution but it is not. And the inequality needs to be brought to her attention before next distribution. She is able to gift a certain amount yearly to each child and it should be done equally without regard to age. </p>
<p>I agree with cbreeze. If this is really bothering you, why not suggest that your mom not distribute any money? Maybe she can just set up some kind of trust/gift upon her death, or maybe she can donate some to charity.</p>
<p>It may not feel like the Rockefellers to you, but it sounds like your mom is giving, what, $20,000 to $30,000 to her kids/grandkids every year (not including anniversary gifts?) It may not be Rockefeller-level but it’s still extremely generous. </p>
<p>In answer to your question: I did have a boss that gave out bonuses according to his own whim (basically, how much he liked you AND partially based on how long he’d known you.) It was his own business and his own money. Some people grumbled, but because it was an unexpected generous gift OF HIS OWN MONEY it really wasn’t a big deal. We just chalked it up to his eccentricities and dealt with it. </p>
<p>.Mom has already seen a lawyer and I’m sure distributing the assets is the best thing to do for the estate. The question is about fair distribution and that would be an equal amount to each sib every year without regard to age or need. This really isn’t “gift” money–it’s inheritance. And yes, inheritance can be distributed lots of ways. But I am assuming that mom WANTS things to be equal and doesn’t realize the real financial outcome of her present actions.</p>
<p>Given the update about the anniversary gifts, it seems that the OP’s mother has some peculiar methods of deciding how to distribute gift money. They probably seem reasonable to the mother, but they seems odd to me. I wonder how the sister in her second marriage felt when her anniversary gift check dropped to a fraction of its previous amount after she remarried, not that I expect she’d be angry but perhaps puzzled or even amused. </p>
<p>Of course, “Life is not fair.” No one here claimed “life” is supposed to be fair. I do think that parents should attempt to treat their children fairly, which doesn’t usually mean doing with or giving to exactly the same for each. In some cases there doesn’t appear to be any clear reason for the discrepancy and it’s just human to wonder why. I would expect adult, or near adult, children to understand if their parents’ financial circumstances have changed, for good or ill, that will make a difference in what they can afford to do over the decades, but that’s not the situation described by the OP. As for how we feel, do we each have to mentally run through a litany of all the things that we could possibly suffer from to prevent being even slightly bothered by something? I detest holier than thou sorts who insist that someone should never complain of a leg fracture because at least they have legs. </p>
<p>It’s a shame that none of the OP’s siblings have asked their mother why she’s distributing/gifting this money unequally.</p>
<p>Um…I’m not sure the OP will actually get 100 times her age for a lot longer than her siblings. I mean really…when her mom dies…no one will get this gift any longer…and that will be the same date for everyone.</p>
<p>We actually have never discussed monetary gift amounts in either my or my husband’s families. I can’t imagine telling my own kids what I give to each of them. That is MY business, not theirs…and I doubt that this comes up in discussions with my kids.</p>
<p>“None of OP’s siblings have asked their mother”…Why should they? The OP hesitates and she’s the one who may be most affected. Bad feelings are not part of this scenario which is great!–but OP is right–maybe she needs to be more forward about it. Touchy subject big time but it’s time to talk to mom…</p>
<p>I don’t really care about the money. We could be talking about cupcakes for all I care.</p>
<p>Here’s the problem with something like this, and we can all learn this as we get older and our kids get older: If you, as a parent, set up a system differentiating one kid from the other, in whichever way, based on YOUR actions, not emergency situations, or one kid living with and taking care of aging mom, but just YOUR actions, your kids carry this with them into their adult relationships.</p>
<p>If your goal, which it might not be your goal, and that’s fine, too, is to foster an open and solid relationship between the siblings? This is a sure way to ruin it. </p>
<p>So, I hope the OP can just let this go, even though it is brought to her and her siblings attention annually, for the sake of your future relationships.</p>
<p>Gee, if my kids complained to me about this, I would say, “Really?? I am giving you thousands of dollars as a gift [and no, it is NOT “inheritance” if I’m still alive] and you’re complaining? OK, we’re back to ten times everybody’s age, so the discrepancy is less!”</p>
<p>If I received more than my siblings, whether from an inheritance or as Christmas gifts, I’d wonder why and would ask, not in an angry confrontation but just to understand. It’s awkward for the OP to ask because it could make her look like the gimme pig some posters here have implied she is already. </p>
<p>We don’t know if the OP and her mother have the sort of relationship that allows for honest discussion. Whenever I asked my mother “why” about anything she did, she blew up and ranted about how she could do as she pleased and no one should ever question her. It didn’t matter if the question was about something as innocuous as changing her brand of coffee. If the OP can ask her mother, sometime well before the next checks are written, then maybe her mother will provide an explanation. </p>
<p>People are strange. My MIL, whom I loved dearly, insisted on spoiling her youngest as a child and indulging her when she was grown. One day I asked her about it and she cried as she described SIL’s birth and how MIL had to leave the hospital without her as she remained in NICU. She felt guilty that somehow she’d caused SIL’s problems that resulted in her rough start and spent the rest of her life trying to make up for that. MIL never realized that her behavior contributed to SIL taking a long time to grow up or that the disparate treatment made several older siblings very resentful. The problems between some of the siblings continue decades later.</p>
<p>Right @MaineLonghorn and this is exactly why the OP can’t say anything.</p>
<p>But, you and I both know that not talking about something unhealthy in a family is very, very unhealthy and leads to all sorts of disconnects and unintended consquences. What may be the mother’s misguided carry over from “Isn’t Johnny a big boy” to keep him from getting jealous of the new baby or as a reward for helping out a little bit when the baby is still too young, can be seen by the “baby” when she is all grown up as denigration and devaluation.</p>
<p>We can all sit around and be “above it all,” but money is just a symbol. I’ve seen grown ups be devastated by the attention a parent pays to another sibling over the course of time. When it comes to our parents, and our relationships with our close families, it’s a lot more complicated than ,“Oh shut up and eat your peas!”</p>
<p>Again, I hope the OP can just breathe and let it go. </p>
<p>Money is a funny thing. Yes, I can see your feelings being hurt, but, no, I wouldn’t make a big stink of it. I also wish the older sibling would say something, but I can guarantee you my seven-years-older sister never would. My eight-years-older brother probably would.</p>
<p>My brother is the executor of my parents’ will, but I have kind of “driven” the issue, trying to get my parents thinking about it and then updating my brother. One conversation I didn’t share with him – and that I doubt he thought of – is what to do in the case my brother dies before my parents … would they leave money to my SIL? I assumed the answer was yes, but my mom said no. I was shocked. I think my SIL can be prickly, but she does a lot for our family, hosting more than her share of holiday dinners, etc. I think one reason is because my brother and SIL don’t have kids. Personally, I think that’s harsh (and have been advised by some to get them to put a token amount in there to prevent a lawsuit, not that I think she would). I have a friend whose mom has divided the money by kids plus spouses plus offspring. So the two single sisters get one-eighth of the inheritance, whereas another sister and her no-good dh get a quarter and the married brother/wife/two kids get half. Just doesn’t seem fair to me.</p>
<p>No. I wouldn’t necessarily let it go. Address it. Mom has got her math wrong. This is the easiest of scenarios–everyone is on board. Or should be anyways. If mom is worried about “Johnny” on the side then he gets a side gift of cash, or grand kid gets an extra pot for college. Whatever. I think you should disperse money however you want.</p>
<p>BUT in this case–it appears (OP only knows) that Mom wants the money to be equally dispersed among siblings. And that is not happening. And the amounts are not “birthday money pocket change”.</p>
<p>I’d say only raise the issue if you are willing for your portion to entirely be cut off, as that is one of the potential reactions I could foresee if someone asked me about how and why I was gifting things one way rather than another. It would make me feel MUCH less generous toward that person, as I’d feel they were counting my money.</p>
<p>Ultimately, OP, you have to decide if you can and will just let it go or take some action or another that will keep you from dwelling on what you perceive as unfair. </p>
<p>Guess it depends on how objectively your family views money. My parents wouldn’t bat an eye if I brought up the matter. My dad would say “what’s fair is fair” and go from there. I am really lucky.</p>
<p>One more try. ANYTHING we get from our parents once we are adults is gravy. They don’t owe us a thing. It is THEIR money. If they want to give Suzy $5,000 and me $200, it is their prerogative. To complain is pointless and just not right.</p>
<p>I am appalled at posters comments on this thread. I am one of the minority, I guess, who thinks the OP’s mother is doing an injustice by giving an inheritance ‘windfall’ to her ADULT children, in different amounts based on age. This is NOT because of need or other emergencies. This is giving a gift (granted, of her own free will) to her children for their future benefit. She doesn’t have to give a gift at all, but since she is, I’m amazed that she is giving different amounts to children based on their birth order…and that so many of you don’t seem fazed by this! :(</p>
<p>Not only does it tell your children you are all of inequal importance, it also sets a very negative pattern in how they view each other. If I were the OP, I would take the time to talk about it with her mother, maybe in private. Since a nephew has also expressed concern, something should be said so that an understanding occurs as to why she did what she did, if she even views it as something she did on purpose. Or to tell her why it should be an even amount to everyone, even if a smaller amount.</p>
<p>We are NOT talking about children with monetary needs or other issues, we are talking about a straight gift from an inheritance that is NOT being evenly split. Very strange, imho. And even more strange that so many posters are telling the OP to stop complaining. ■■■???</p>