<p>No. It’s not fair. I mean there’s nothing you can do, but I know you are not really talking about the amount of money, just the "message "</p>
<p>Ideally as adults you are siblings , equal, and this is just this reminder … It’s the kind of thing parents do that creates sibling resentment. And it’s completely unnecessary. I’d advise against it if you want your kids to stay close as adults. </p>
<p>Try to let it go. It says more about your mother wanting you all to stay her “kids” than anything else. </p>
<p>The thing is - you can’t always control your feelings, you can only control how you react to them. Don’t let it affect how you act towards your siblings and your mom and any any feelings of unfairness will likely fade away.</p>
<p>“It’s only $1000”
Yes but over, say, 10 years @5% it’s more like $15,000</p>
<p>“you’re going to get more at the higher “rate” than your older siblings, so it all evens out.”</p>
<p>No, this will most likely continue for the same amount of time for all of us, and I will always be younger.</p>
<p>I have NO intention of ever saying anything about the situation. My family has a great relationship and we would never let money interfere with that. But like cap says, it’s hard to control the feelings.</p>
<p>The whole thing came about when my mom (widowed for more than 30 years) received a large inheritance from an uncle. She met with an attorney who drew up a trust to ultimately be divided equally among her children. The attorney said that since her pensions and annuities provided her with security she might want to consider “gifting” some of her windfall during her lifetime, and thus was born the 100 x age annual gift.</p>
<p>Fair is not really a “thing”. If a parent receives a large inheritance and has more money to spend on a second child or moves to a nicer house or whatever I cannot believe the older kids who grew up with less would be complaining about fairness. This is as good a time as any to except that life is not always fair and say, “Thank-you”.</p>
<h1>40 poetgrl: Bingo. I agree with you. The parent is creating resentment that is so unnecessary and avoidable. Give the adult children all the same amount, period! It’s a gift, not one child being needy. #34: Cobrat, your tone of your post was unnecessary. The OP isn’t being petty or complaining. She just wants to know if it’s fair and how other households handle similar situations. My opinion: Is is not fair. Is there anything she can do about it? Probably not, if she doesn’t want to open up a can of worms. But a monetary GIFT for birthdays should be equal for each sibling. Children being needy is a whole 'nother thread topic. The parent should realize this. But of course many, many times they don’t, like in this situation. Unfortunate.</h1>
<p>My parents struggle with this all the time. Their grand kids range in age from 34 to 11. They have given them each some money to save for college. They started this when oldest was around 12 so only got invested for six years. Youngest got it at birth. Will be worth quite a chunk at 18. Meanwhile they give a college graduation gift of $2,000. What about the ones who don’t go? They also give a wedding gift of $10,000. Oldest is not married yet. Should he not get it if he never marries? What about the fact that they probably won’t be around for the wedding of the youngest? Now great grandchildren are arriving. More complications. How to leave their money fairly divided? Should the family with only two kids get the same as the family with five?</p>
<p>My outlook is that it’s their money and they are welcome to do with it as they want. The complication is only that they don’t know how to be fair and ask for advice. However, we’re all going to have a different opinion.</p>
<p>My parents do this for the grandkids, but instead of age x $100 it’s a base amount plus the recipient’s age. That seems “fairer” to me.</p>
<p>I agree that this is not something to spend a lot of emotional energy on, as I think the OP’s mom is trying to be evenhanded and probably doesn’t realize that it feels unequal to the OP, but I can see where the OP is coming from. Even if it feels silly and petty, it’s hard for even most adult kids not to feel just a little less loved when their parents are giving their sibling(s) something they themselves are not getting.</p>
<p>I disagree with the resentment with inheritance. My brother and I knew my mom left my sister a small chunk of money and we never resented. In fact, my brother told me he turned it down when my mom gave him the money. My sister is always the one that needs the money for a whole lot of reasons. We are much better off than her in many ways and not just financially. I sometimes gave her money, I asked my husband’s permission of course, nothing sneaky. And this is the sister that I sometimes have feud with. One need to know when good enough is good enough, when life is already gave you an ACE as in poker, you don’t need to complain and compare. Go on and live a good live is a best revenge as people often say.</p>
<p>I wonder why the OLDER kids haven’t said to mom, 'hey, I feel guilty about getting this much. Can you just give each adult child the same? Can you figure out how much you would give out the old way and then divide that by the number of kids?"</p>
<p>As an older child myself, that is what I would do.</p>
<p>Let me clarify this, educ8me - you’e in your forties, right? So your mom is giving you an approximate gift of $4000 per year, every year, right?</p>
<p>I guess I’m still hung up on the amount, which sounds like a glorious amount of money to me. It could be worse - my father-in-law still does the $1-per-year thing. I’d be turning cartwheels if it were just $10-a-year!</p>
<p>There are some rather harsh comments to the OP. She acknowledged that her feelings may be petty, she has not complained to her mother or anyone else in the family, and she apparently hasn’t let the situation change her behavior toward anyone in the family either. Perhaps asking how others perceive the gift distribution was done to help her deal with her feelings and nothing more. </p>
<p>What struck me in the OP’s comments was how her elder siblings received more time and attention than she did because various events were old hat to her mother by the time it was her turn to experience them. I experienced the same thing; my siblings are also a decade (or more) older. Perhaps that’s the real reason that the gift discrepancy bothers her.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s situation is a bit odd and I wonder what prompted her mother to use an age based formula for gifts to adults. It’s a shame that none of the older siblings have asked their mother, since surely they must see the inequity since their mother has made her formula public. Yes, of course, it’s the mother’s money to do with as she pleases. No one is owed any gifts. No one can or should tell the mother what to do with her money. But I don’t think it would be out of bounds for one of her other children to ask the question. It may be as simple as her thinking that she distributed allowances to her children that way years ago and why not continue the same way, without considering that it’s really very different now that they are all adults. </p>
<p>I’m surprised at some of the reactions here, given how many posters have discussed gift taxes and other issues that indicate there may be significant sums of money being transferred to their children and/or grandchildren. The OP didn’t say she’s not grateful for the gifts, or that she’s not thankful that her mother is still alive, so why is she being chastised as if she were a greedy gimme pig? I know people who routinely gift their adult children $5K - $20K/yr. I don’t know any who make a point to give each child an annual gift check in a different amount that’s based on age, or any other reason for that matter. Some help certain ones throughout the year because of medical expenses or underemployment or other reasons that seem more rational than an arbitrary age formula for gifts. In those cases, the siblings who know about the assistance understand why their parents are giving more to some than to others and they are very supportive and glad their siblings get the help they need.</p>
<p>Thank you Silpat, yes it is probably more than just the money. There’s a lot of baggage that comes with being a “bonus” child, and this is just symbolic of some of that. I think my mom and older siblings think of the “age bonus” as a way of taking the sting out of getting older. They’ve always had preferential treatment so this doesn’t seem unnatural at all to them. </p>
My brother and I are the youngest and next to youngest. All the older siblings had received top private high school education, money to go study abroad as internationals. When they were under 18, we had chauffeurs, cook, maids and everything. When they left home, things were cut back due to various reasons. There was no money left when we migrated, my brother and I had to pay for our own college education. I worked at menial jobs that I rather not want to mention here. </p>
<p>I’m a middle kid…we all have issues. More than likely the older ones have various reasons why they were mistreated or given short shrift for how their childhoods went. Maybe mom is trying to make up for the things they went without. Maybe they spent a lot of their free time caring for their little sister? You can always find things to be resentful for if you look.</p>
<p>It is extremely common for us younger siblings to get fewer photos and other stuff. Now that I have 4 of my own, I completely understand. With the first kid you never know if there will be another. That one person is your entire life. As you have more, the ability to keep up with it all equally is impossible. </p>
<p>I think too many people equate same with fair. If you have one child that is handicapped and needs $100K of annual upkeep is it somehow unfair that you don’t give the other kids $100K?</p>
<p>The only thing we have like this in my family is my parents give us anniversay money that is tied to the number of years married. The do sometimes give the family Christmas money based on number of people in the family, but that is normally to have us buy gifts for them as it is hard now that they are aging. I fully understand that my siblings sometimes get a lot more money than me from my parents. I don’t care. I saw what petty bickering did to my mother’s family when my grandparents died. I love my family way too much to get hung up on petty things like money.</p>
<p>Each family member’s medical issues need to be addressed regardless. One child needs glasses, buy 'em. One needs to visit the dermo, pay for it. One has a serious chronic illness…throw a bunch of money at it.</p>
<p>I know my parents give my sister and her family more money. They bought my 18-year-old nephew a car, and they are helping to pay for his college expenses. They live near my sister, and buy stuff for her family weekly. BUT they also helped us last year when things were slow, and they took me to South Africa with them for two weeks. So do I get upset that they spend more on my sister, or just express thanks that they are generous with me? Hmm, not too hard a choice…</p>
<p>“No, this will most likely continue for the same amount of time for all of us, and I will always be younger.”</p>
<p>Yes, you will always be younger, but you’re missing a point-your older siblings were getting the $10X age for at least 10 years longer than you will. YOU are getting the $100X age for LONGER than they ever can, because they are OLDER. And it’s entirely possible that you will outlive them and get even MORE than they will. If counting pennies means that much to you.</p>
<p>I get that you feel you aren’t being treated “fairly”. But life isn’t fair. My youngest is 10 and 14 years younger than her siblings and her father and I are in a much better position now than we where when they were her age. While the father, my ex, could and did provide much more financially, I could not do the things for them I can for my current teen. It’s a fact of life that no other option was possible. But instead of resenting her or me and their stepdad, both have thanked me for the emotional support they got from me, and that they realize it wasn’t all about how much I spent on them.In other families, circumstances turn the other way and older kids have it better than the younger. It’s not a punishment to anyone, it just IS.</p>
<p>“I should just be grateful that I have time on my side, but it just doesn’t feel fair. Am I being petty?”
you have answered your own questions, yes, you should be very grateful, yes you are being petty. One more comment - LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!! Are you blind, limping, sick, bold, whatever else…are you living in the streets… If not, say “Thank you”, put smile on your face and check who you can help while being soooo blessed yourself. And even if yes to one or several of these, still it could have been much worse. I remind this to all my family members, you are not the first one, I tell it to any “whiny” human being out there if they “whine” to me. Enjoy while it all last, you do not know what tomorrow brings, we do not know what next 5 minutes bring. </p>