<p>"Your posts are very long and detailed. ". I echo this. It seems like you’re kind of obsessed with your son and his issues, and perhaps taking a step back and a few deep breaths would help. I also echo the suggestion to try some child development books. “Loving Your Child Is Not Enough - Positive Discipline That Works” was my favorite.</p>
<p>oops - Crossposted with NorthstarMom. I agree with her and she said it better than I did!</p>
<p>Seems like the therapist idea was brought up before. Did that ever happen?</p>
<p>
Actually, my daughter is kind of like that – it kind of drove me nuts along the way because it seemed that she was always quitting things just at the point when she was starting to get very good at whatever it was she was quitting. (as I noted above, she quit gymnastics as soon as she was good enough to get on the team). </p>
<p>But I also saw my daughter get a lot of things that I told her she wouldn’t because of her habits. For example, she quit a competitive dance group when she was 6 because she didn’t like the teacher - I told her they wouldn’t let her back in later on. I was wrong – when she was 12 they were begging to have her back. </p>
<p>I told her that she wouldn’t get into a top college if she didn’t stick with math courses through a higher level. I was wrong about that, too.</p>
<p>I think the lesson for me is that we can’t predict how a kid will end up. Some kids are very focused and work very hard at one thing, others tend to flit from one thing to another. My daughter is more of a flitter… but she has done and is doing some amazing things along the way. </p>
<p>As parents we need to provide a good foundation and some structure – but we also have to give the kids a chance to grow and develop on their own, and not fall into the false notion that what frustrates us is a “character flaw”. It really isn’t. </p>
<p>Yes, I also have relatives that haven’t made much of their lives and my kids have some common traits. My son is a whole lot like his chronically unemployed uncles, for example… except that my son is much better about getting and holding onto jobs! So try not to draw brought sweeping conclusions out of small indications - you really are reading far too much into these issues.</p>
<p>And I echo the family therapy advice – for you as well as your son. I think there are issues with your relationship. I certainly can see why your son’s fragile health would lead to this – but a therapist can help you disengage somewhat emotionally, and guide you toward developing a more healthy mother-son relationship.</p>
<p>I got a lot of reading this book- also Dreikers.
[Good Enough Parent : A Book on Child Rearing: Bruno Bettelheim: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Good-Enough-Parent-Child-Rearing/dp/0394757769”>http://www.amazon.com/Good-Enough-Parent-Child-Rearing/dp/0394757769</a>)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I actually did do some research on some of these issues before posting. I also read quite a bit of the post about what parents felt that they did right with their kids.</p>
<p>On the internet, there are a lot of posts by people who regretted that there parents allowed them to quit music lessons.</p>
<p>There were a lot of people talking about kids my son’s age taking many dance classes a week, and the push for everything to be done on a competitive level in general in every sport.</p>
<p>There’s a lot of opinion that if things aren’t started early enough, your kid will “miss the boat” in several things, and this creates a sense of urgency to decide the future. For example, if I do not start my son in violin before 12, he’d lose hand flexibility or something. If you don’t start your child in gymnastics early enough, they can NEVER be elite. If you don’t start your child in tennis, dance, whatever, they will miss the boat. And it doesn’t matter if your child matures at 13 and discovers that gymnastics is her dream, it’s too late. All of this creates such a sense of urgency. It’s ok if my kid does not grow up to be an olympian, but what if he could have been, wanted to be, and I prevented that? To this day, my brother blames my father for his “torpedoed tennis career” by not taking him to Florida to play tennis when he was 16!</p>
<p>There are alot of people who think that kids should be made to finish what they start, which I am implementing. Some go further and set their own arbitrary commitment time, for example 1 year of music lessons, which I do not do.</p>
<p>There are people who consider some things to be absolutes. For some, piano and swimming were absolutes. </p>
<p>Some people do nothing to buffer their kids from their actions. Others buffer their actions because they want their kids to know that they are there for them when they make mistakes.</p>
<p>I have a friend with a son who was also a preemie. She has had to struggle with overcoming a guilt feeling about him being a preemie. She indulged him, spoiled him, was overly concerned with every stuffy nose and sniffle, and analyzed everything he did. In time, she realized that her actions were due to the fact that she felt guilty about him being premature–as if she was responsible for it. </p>
<p>I agree with the other posts about setting up an appointment with a therapist/counselor for both you and your son in order to explore some of the issues you have raised. Having raised two sons, I feel that your demands and expectations for a 9 year old boy are a bit much. If my son said that he was interested in being an astronaut at 9, I wouldn’t rush to sign him up for Space Camp. Do you know what I mean?</p>
<p>“On the internet, there are a lot of posts by people who regretted that there parents allowed them to quit music lessons.”</p>
<p>There are a lot of adults who insist on blaming their parents for decisions they themselves made. There also are a lot of adults who could choose to take music lessons again if they were truly that interested in music.</p>
<p>“For example, if I do not start my son in violin before 12, he’d lose hand flexibility or something. If you don’t start your child in gymnastics early enough, they can NEVER be elite. If you don’t start your child in tennis, dance, whatever, they will miss the boat. And it doesn’t matter if your child matures at 13 and discovers that gymnastics is her dream, it’s too late.”</p>
<p>And that’s life! There always are consequences to the choices that we make.
Meanwhile, the child who doesn’t take up violin may take up track instead and become an Olympian. The kid who starts gymnastics at a relatively advanced age may never be elite, and also may never break their neck in a gymnastics accident. </p>
<p>"If you don’t start your child in tennis, dance, whatever, they will miss the boat. "</p>
<p>What boat? It’s highly unlikely that your kid or any one else’s on this site is going to win Dancing with the Stars or be the next Andre Agassiz. </p>
<p>One doesn’t have to start dancing, swimming, tennis, music in childhood to develop competence in such things or to develop such an activity as a hobby.</p>
<p>Childhood isn’t one’s last chance to develop skills, interests, etc. </p>
<p>When it comes to the rare kids who really are extremely talented in things like tennis, dance, etc., and who achieve great success at them, such success is due to the kid, not the parent. Such kids will move heaven and earth to pursue their interests. They do more than lay guilt trips on their parents (based on your description of your S’s behavior after you forgot to sign him up for baseball, I’m guessing he’s a master of guilt trips). They – even at young ages – do the hard work of practicing, ignoring teasing, etc. to reach their dreams.</p>
<p>I hope you will follow the advice to talk to a therapist.</p>
<p>I don’t agree with the attitudes of the parents who push early and intense involvement. I actually hated the “stage mother” types I encountered during my daughter’s years dancing. I was also appalled at learning about some of the ill effects on girls from some of this parental pushing: anorexic ballerinas, tiny gymnasts with stunted growth and delayed puberty because of the intense demands of practice at an elite level. (For the other side of the coin, read what some now-adults who were pushed too far say – for example, [Dominique</a> Moceanu accuses Martha and Bela Karolyi of abuse - Los Angeles Times](<a href=“Moceanu accuses Karolyis of abuse”>Moceanu accuses Karolyis of abuse) )</p>
<p>I think I did pretty well with my daughter by keeping in mind that she was a kid who needed to learn some basic rules about responsibility and respect, but who did not need career-training at the age of 8 or 12. So like your son, my daughter learned early on that I expected her to follow through on commitments --but I also am proud of myself for saying no to all those pressures, even if it meant that someone else’s daughter got more attention at dance recitals. </p>
<p>By the way, my daughter also took violin lessons, and quit; piano lessons, and quit; and flute lessons, and quit. What we learned during all those lessons that my daughter enjoyed music but not practice. In high school and college my daughter discovered her true musical talent: as a d.j. 
(She’s really good at picking out a nice mix for any occasion, and she hosted her own radio program for a year at college). </p>
<p>I think in the long run my d. has a healthier attitude – she knows that she can participate in things without having to be perfect at what she does; she also knows that getting involved in new things will not tie her down to long term commitments, so I think she has become more adventurous and more willing to try new things.</p>
<p>On the internet, there are a lot of posts by people who regretted that there parents allowed them to quit music lessons.</p>
<p>I agree that there is a lot of whingeing on the internets by people who find it more satisfying to complain about how " others" put up obstacles, than to pursue their own dreams.</p>
<p>Doesn’t mean your son will grow up to be your brother.</p>
<p>Here’s something about a young man who just retired from performing with PNB- he didn’t start taking dance seriously until he was 13.
[Ballet-Dance</a> Magazine - Pacific Northwest Ballet Dancer, Nicholas Ade - Interview by Dean Speer and Francis Timlin](<a href=“http://www.ballet-dance.com/200608/articles/Ade20060600.html]Ballet-Dance”>http://www.ballet-dance.com/200608/articles/Ade20060600.html)</p>
<p>About therapy and parenting books… I’m not at all trying to be dismissive of that, but I actually trust the opinions of real parents more. I’ve been there.</p>
<p>I had some problems with my daughter when she was about 2.5. She misbehaved, so I sat her in “time out”, as the parenting book said. She got up. Parenting book gave no real advice but to keep her in time out, so I strapped her into her car seat during time out. She got out of that. I sent her to her room. She walked out. Enough was enough. I sent her to her room and closed the door and held it shut. My daughter began head banging in frustration. And out of fear, I opened the door, and a REAL problem was created. She learned that she could bang her head whenever she was angry or couldn’t communicate.</p>
<p>I knew that this was primarily related to her delayed speech and inability to verbally communicate. Parenting books said the headbanging would go away, put a helmet on the kids. But I was a single mom at the time, living in an apartment, and terrified that she’d get a concussion and have it blamed on me.</p>
<p>So I took her to the pediatrician. I brought my brother along (young at the time), with the understanding that my brother would aggravate her. He did, and in due time, my daughter threw herself on the floor, and began flailing and banging her head.</p>
<p>The pediatrician said “This is beyond my expertise. I recommend a children’s psychiatric unit. I recommend respite care for you.” I said “I am sure that this will resolve in 6 months when her speech improves and she can communicate verbally. I only came in to have a witness in case she gets a concussion.” He said “No problem”. </p>
<p>I was right. It resolved itself shortly thereafter. What if I had allowed myself and my daughter to be led down that path? To dump her in a psych unit, have her drugged, possibly put in foster care for my respite? Labeled forever? </p>
<p>If I took my son to a therapist for these childhood issues, I can bet that he’d leave with something like “OCD-type behavior” or “oppositional-defiant disorder”, etc., depending on which aspect of my son I shared. The most intelligent people are often complicated. </p>
<p>It’s like the tendency of nursing homes to drug their patients (my sister is an R.N., this is first-hand knowledge from her) because they are agitated or upset at times. Being agitated is a part of life! Being agitated because you have lost control of your own life is normal! But we drug people for it. </p>
<p>I have been professionally involved with the educational system, the legal system, and have consulted with therapists in regards to other people’s lives. The problem that I have is that I have been biased by the many professionals that I’ve encountered professionally take the lazy way out with labels and drugs. In fact, one “repuatable agency” nearby told me that every person who walks in gets a label the first day. </p>
<p>I don’t mean to seem as if I am dismissing therapists, I’m not. This has been brought up before, so I thought that I might as well address it. Ironically, I used to want to be a psychologist! But through my professional experience, I don’t know any personally that I would trust with my children. Perhaps one, but I know him professionally, and so I could not do that. I am willing to read books by therapists, and listen to the advice of other parents.</p>
<p>And I am not dismissing that there are people who legitimately have these disorders and/or need medication. I am concerned about the tendency to drug children for normal behavior.</p>
<p>If there are lots of dance studios around your area, I am willing to bet there is at least one that has fun boys classes. It doesn’t have to be one of the premier studios. </p>
<p>I have a S who never stuck to things when he was younger. He drove us crazy! He wanted to do the things his friends were doing … but then he didn’t actually like doing them, so he wanted to quit. If it was soccer, he was stuck for the season. If it was tball, he was stuck for the summer. If we didn’t pay, though, he could quit … like when he went to his first football practice in 4th grade & decided he HATED getting hit (which does happen, even in flag football). He tried & quit lacrosse & track in middle school. It was his call - his life. Eventually, he figured out what he does & doesn’t want to do. No problems with quitting now, because he only does what he wants to do. He has been in numerous bands, but that is par for the course with bands. Maybe he was in training to be a musician all along!</p>
<p>You don’t want a psychiatrist for your kid, you want a counselor who specializes in family issues. It does not have to be a qualified psychologist.</p>
<p>They don’t label or diagnose. They give you strategies to help with communication – looking at all sides of the equation.</p>
<p>I have two boys, both intense in their own ways, like your son. I actually
think you are doing a fine job with him. You nurtured his involvement in
gymnastics and dance which got him over some huge physical hurdles.
You have taught him to stick with his choices for a reasonable amount
of time. Parenting this particular kid is just tiring, but will get easier.
Hang in there!</p>
<p>I want to highly recommend two books to you, which I think you
will find to be supportive (I did!).</p>
<p>The first is called Backtalk by Audrey Ricker. </p>
<p>The second is called Good Friends are Hard to Find by Fred Frankel.</p>
<p>These two books helped me with specific ways to teach my boys
to interact more maturely with me and with other kids. I really liked
the practical suggestions and lack of psychoanalyzing in them.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting a therapist for your S. He seems like a very normal kid of his age to me. I’m suggesting a therapist for you because you appear to be overly involved in your S’s life, and you seem to be very worried about how to respond to things with him that are relatively minor.</p>
<p>I think that your talking to a therapist would help relieve you of some of the sense of overresponsibility and guilt that you appear to feel (and your S appears to have learned how to trigger these feelings in you) about things that you’re not responsible for with your S. </p>
<p>My suggestion is that you see a licensed social worker who is experienced with working with parents of kids your S’s age. In my experience, social workers are less likely to suggest medication than are some other types of therapists.</p>
<p>I also think that you take things to extremes. “Timeout” for a 2 1/2 year old would be 2 minutes. A parenting book that just suggests “timeout” with no description of what timeout means, is a lousy parenting book. </p>
<p>" knew that this was primarily related to her delayed speech and inability to verbally communicate. Parenting books said the headbanging would go away, put a helmet on the kids. But I was a single mom at the time, living in an apartment, and terrified that she’d get a concussion and have it blamed on me."</p>
<p>Seems that if she had a helmet on, concussion would have been impossible so no blame would have occurred on you.</p>
<p>Your taking your D to the pediatrician instead of using the helmet also is an example of how you overreact to things. Because you were afraid that she’d get a concussion (unlikely if she had a helmet), you sought out the advice of a pediatrician on her behavior that was within normal limits of behavior for a 2-year-old. You also set up a situation in which your D exhibited that behavior, and then the stressed pediatrician reacted to your overconcern.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you in dealing with your son’s potentially life-threatening allergies. My dear friend’s 10 year old son is allergic to all nuts, and sometimes to other things that they can’t always figure out. He nearly died once from eating one chip that didn’t have the ingredients listed on the bag; the one time she was without her epi-pin for him. This is very scary stuff; I mean very scary stuff. I do agree that you could benefit from some type of counseling to be able to live with this constant worry. I wish my friend would do so; she is overweight and her health is very bad. There must be support groups for people in similar situations?</p>
<p>Secondly, it seems that your son may be manipulating you. We can’t really blame the kids; we make it so easy for them as parents. We want the world for them and feel that they must be the best at something or they’ll be left behind in some way. So we let them push our buttons, and we just want these kids to have the parents who don’t screw up what could have been. Let me tell you, your son is valuable and precious just for who he is. And you know that. Let him be a little kid and enjoy life with him. Let him explore and learn more about himself and about the world. And if some chances pass him by, well those are character building moments that will make him the man that he will be. Sometimes our disappointments are what bring out an important character attribute that would never otherwise develop.</p>
<p>Also, I just enjoyed the book “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch a month ago (R.I.P. Randy Pausch). He has lots of wisdom in that short gem of a book, some of which you might find helpful.</p>
<p>Listen to Northstarmom and other posters. Read several parenting books (public libraries usually have many), sift through any conflicting advice and get the concensus- if they all say the same thing, you’re definitely onto something, even if you don’t like it. Do not rely on the internet for your parenting information in depth as it is more like bits, not comprehensive, info. </p>
<p>Do not think of altering/downsizing a bassoon- it won’t work. Your son will just have to wait to start it- I switched from clarinet, another girl from flute, in HS. They do make smaller sized stringed instruments- I found out that sometimes if you can’t find a small viola (such as when everyone wants one in the size at the start of school) they substitute a violin with viola strings, then a couple of years later I met a women whose D had to start with an extra small violin as they didn’t downsize violas enough for her… we can’t control all choices.</p>
<p>You need to stop, take a big breath, and consider who your son is today- his current physical/social/emotional et al self. Drop his past, being a premie with a heart problem- ancient history (been there, done that- I can speak as the physician mother of a premie). No child will ever have every opportunity, so relax about all of the missed ones in his past, present and future. Reconsider how heavily involved with his life and activities you are now- read those books.</p>
<p>It’s tough to shift gears, but your son will benefit from it. Take some time to think about your goals for your son as he is growing up. Make a mental or paper list of them, in all areas you can think of. Dancing, music, being a well rounded boy, learning social skills… Then make a list of the ways you can achieve your goals for him. Look at ways they conflict, and they will. Start over, this time considering how you can help him reach HIS goals. You can’t do it- he doesn’t even know what most of them will be yet. The message is that you as a parent have a learning curve, it has thrown you for a loop, so you need to get off the roller coaster you are on and start a new mindset. Consulting a therapist is a social worker, not a psychiatric, type of beneficial thing you can do to redirect your lives. You won’t be the first or only parent seeking help when there are too many things to sort out on your own.</p>
<p>I talk as I think- the extrovert in me- I think I have come up with some helpful ideas. I also should probably spend some editing time, but I’m going to quit, either while ahead or before I dig a deeper hole, and hope you follow through on many of the good ideas you’ve seen in your thread. Good luck.</p>
<p>I’ve read every post, and I think that you all have given good advice. </p>
<p>I don’t really doubt that time with a caring therapist would be beneficial. But I also suspect that time with caring family or friends would help, and I don’t have that. I had a really rotten childhood, as some who’ve read other posts of mine may know. I have been through so much in my life that I could probably keep a therapist on retainer for the rest of my life! Make that 2 lifetimes-- one for my childhood, another for my adult life. A rotten childhood, abuse by males as a young woman including rape and partner violence, single-parenthood while going through college, then marrying someone who gets cancer, having a young child with these problems. My career brings its stressors. </p>
<p>A couple of years ago, I started yoga and a clean diet, and this helped me enormously. I had always “psychoanalyzed” myself, but starting yoga helped me change the way I thought about my family and my role in it. For the first time, I focused on me and how I was feeling. Maybe I’ve lost track of that, because lately I feel like I’m floundering. My daughter becoming a young woman, the same age as I was when I left home, is probably a factor.</p>
<p>I’ve always been very afraid to “make mistakes” with my kids because they are all that I really have in family. I can’t bear the thought of them turning their back on me for a parenting mistake. I’ve basically had to turn my back on my own father. My father deserves it, because he abused me as a child and has continued to do so verbally any chance that he gets. I tell myself that my children would not turn their back on me because I am not my father. But how do I know what will or will not cause my child to hold a grudge?</p>
<p>I can look hard enough at myself to know that I was conditioned at a young age to accept blame for other people’s choices. As a child, I was blamed and punished for anything my younger sister did. In turn, I learned to attempt to control her to self-protect. My leaving my parents home at 17 after years of abuse by my father was the catalyst that finally brought my mother to leave my father (he deserved it). I know that I did the right thing, but 20 years later, he blatantly blamed me in emails. </p>
<p>My childhood experiences have shaped how I handle my role with others. During my childhood, I was sexually abused by two trusted people. The response by everyone who could have helped me was to sweep it under the rug and/or blame me. I spoke up (for my sister too), and said to my parents, “He was not nice. He was a pervert.” and told them what he did. My father laughed at me, said “I don’t believe it”. My mother stood silent, as did my sister. A couple of days later, another relative came over and questioned me, asking me why I let that man do that if my own father didn’t do it. Then the whole thing was never spoken of in the home again. The result was that I felt blamed. When I was in my 20’s, my mother told me that my father came to believe us a few days later, but he never said that to us. It was only when I was in my mid-30’s that my father brought it up on the phone, and basically said “You went through some bad stuff as a kid. With that man…” and I said that the worst thing for me was not being believed. After I got off the phone, I cried profusely, because he finally acknowledged it, and didn’t defend his lack of action. I try with my kids to analyze my own behavior and apologize when warranted.</p>
<p>I also think about how when I was only about 5, I was crying, and my father threatened that if I didn’t stop, he’d give me something to cry about. I remember that moment, as young as I was, when I felt something harden in my mind and I said to myself “I will not give him the satisfaction” and ceased my tears. I did not shed a tear again until I left my parents home. And now it seems at times as if I’m an open spigot. I’ve taught my kids that it is ok to show emotions and to feel.</p>
<p>But there is something else. What I take way from that is that one sentence that my father uttered changed me profoundly. I do not sit around and beat to death a past that I cannot change, but I am forced to reflect a lot on what “messed me up”, and try to avoid it with my kids. It has been very important to me to listen to my kids and to protect them from harm. </p>
<p>Since all of us left that home, I’m always expected to “know what to do”, to be the strong one. It seems that I’ve spent my whole life in service to other people at my own expense. I actually went into a service profession, and during my “yoga awakening”, I actually have considered that I don’t even want to do that anymore. I find myself angry at my mother and sister for the endless drama and lack of strength that the expect me to always show.</p>
<p>The thing that really grates on me is that my children act like a bunch of ingrates. I would have licked the feet of a person who would have helped me go to college as a kid. But my own kid?</p>
<p>My daughter has made the college process hell every step of the way. She didn’t make the most of her time in high school, nor of the SAT books I provided (actually more than a year in advance), took forever on her essays and college selection. I agreed and supported her in her choice of a state school, but I admitted to her that I had always expected her to go where I did and live at home. She could go debt free. The school was good, but I admit that where she is going is better. I explained that this could be done between the two of us, with my contribution and her with student loans and summer work. This was the first summer that she ever had to work. She is directing her anger at me, telling me that she is wasting her summer working, and also very angry that she has to take out student loans when she is undecided about a major. I have suggested that I will do my best to help minimize those loans, that she will have to work summers, and that after college, she may have to return home for a time and work to get them paid off while we support her. She went on about “what if I don’t want to move back home after college”, to which I said “Well that would be your choice”! What galls me is that she made no real effort to apply for scholarships. But I don’t have any easy answers. I believe that she should go to college and find what she wants to do. During one of her rants, I actually said “Hey, if this is all such a problem, maybe you shouldn’t go to college!” She looked like I grew 2 heads and said I was insulting her. Then another day she told me that she is grateful that I kicked her butt to do all of those things because she has friends who now have no college plans and are just working. But 2 days later, I am the target of her frustration. </p>
<p>I think that I was very easy on my daughter in many ways, compared to my upbringing. I always told her to do her best, that it was good enough. The truth is that she did the best she felt like doing for that day. She sailed merrily along, being a high 80’s, low 90’s student, while participating in activities. Generally happy. Then in 7th grade, she told me that she wanted to go to Yale. I was honest with her, telling her that her grades would not cut it at Yale. She was angry at me for letting her think all along that “her best is good enough”! What the hell?</p>
<p>At our schools, you are started on accelerated math and science in the 6th grade, based on 5th grade scores. When my daughter was a freshman, she became a better student, and we discussed the possibility of her accelerating her math so that she could have calculus by Senior year. No can do. Sorry, this was all decided in the 6th grade! What the hell? I wish I had known in the 4th grade, I’d have had her doing math enrichment instead of letting her merrily plod along “doing her best”. Because she’s going to be paying for this now when she’s got to take college calculus!</p>
<p>So I think after having gone through all of this, maybe I am trying to see if I “went wrong” and “where”, and I am trying to head this off with my son. I honestly did not care what instrument my daughter played, only that she played one. I would have done the same with my son. I feel that I am spending more time on him because of his personality, which makes me feel he’ll quit if he gets “the wrong thing” or “it’s too hard”. But I am also guilty of considering the value of each instrument in a future college profile. Would I be internally upset if he would rather play an electric guitar? I honestly think that I might. I truly do value dance and gymnastics for my son as activities. He does need them. But am I guilty of thinking “that would look nice on a college application”? Yeah.</p>
<p>What’s your daughter’s intended major? Unless she is majoring in the sciences (or math or engineering) there is no need to take calculus in college. My daughter didn’t take any math beyond algebra II in high school and she will satisfy her college math requirements with a statistics class; I think my son also satisfied his college requirements with a single statistics class, which he took as online from a community college over the summer. </p>
<p>I understand how your own past experiences could lead to your fears for your kids, but it seems to me that you posit a dire result from minor issues. Why would you tell a 7th grader that her grades aren’t good enough for Yale? No college ever looks at grades before 9th grade. My son is dyslexic and wasn’t even able to read before 6th grade – I was delighted if he could do B level work by 8th grade – but in high school he really blossomed and had straight A’s. (I’m not saying that your daughter could have gone to Yale in any case - obviously that is an extremely high aspiration – I just don’t understand why would have told her that her grades weren’t good enough, when instead you could have given her a pep talk and encouraged her to strive for the best grades possible in high school).</p>
<p>If memory serves, whatapainthisis posted about obsessive issues with her daughter’s potential sexuality a while back. As others have stated, this isn’t about the kids. Mom needs help beyond the scope of messageboard advice.</p>
<p>I second the recommendation for Loving Your Child is not enough, and perhaps also How to Talk so Kids will Listen. Those books informed my parenting style. Like others I think you are overinvested in your son. Perhaps he can make some of the choices. Tell him the plusses and minuses of the dance studios. In my experience the kids who become elite dancers, gymnasts, or sports stars are the ones who pulled their parents into those activities. Not the ones who were pushed by their parents. Read *Searching for Bobby Fisher *who struggled with the issue of nurturing talent vs pushing when his son was young. As for the bassoon. Nine is way, way too young. Does he want to drop violin? It’s hard (especially at nine) to pursue two such different instruments. Here the future bassoonist all played clarinet until they reached middle school.</p>