Grating parenting issues with 9 year-old, will listen to any advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>"The thing is, for him, physical activity must be ingrained in him. He doesn’t have the luxury of being a couch potato. His heart depends on him being in the best physical condition that he can be. His choice of sports are limited, and for him to do so well is more than I thought possible. My initial thought was that the gymnastic worked his arms, and the dance will work his legs, and it did. "</p>

<p>Are there ways of ensuring he gets physical activity that don’t have all the drama and angst associated with it? For example, what if he just rode his bike X days a week, or swam (for fun, not competitively) X days a week? Would that work for him medically?</p>

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<p>My initial thought was that the gymnastic worked his arms, and the dance will work his legs, and it did. "</p>

<p>but neither of those are aerobic.
While it is good to build large muscle- doesn’t he need sustained aerobic activity? From what I remember of gymnastics team and dance classes, there is a lot of waiting and watching, not the sustained activity for 40 to 80 min, 4 or 5 times a week that is needed to maintain heart health.</p>

<p>When my younger daughter was 8, she enrolled in an wing chun kung fu class, with the hopes that it would help her learn to concentrate and gain confidence.
While she was the only girl, she did very well, very strong and determined. ( um stubborn)
The Sifu, ( teacher), also demanded complete attention and respect and the kids were relieved ( I felt) to have an adult who was centered and knew what he wanted from himself and from them.</p>

<p>It was a very good experience for her, and while she eventually dropped out, as the class was not only all boys, but bigger and older than she was, she made a lot of progress in her head- which is the most important place-.</p>

<p>Since you mention discipline issues, and as it can be difficult to do a 180 in the way that you parent your child, I would suggest that as you find resources to help you deal with your past, so that you can be better grounded for your present, that you also consider finding someone that can model the high expectations of behavior that you want for your child.</p>

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<p>Add my vote to GET THERAPY FOR YOURSELF posters. The continued lengthy posts after some great advice point to problems you need to resolve- this is your cry for help, it has been answered. Maybe not as you hoped, but as you feared. Any further discussion from us will not solve your problems, the best thing you can do as a parent is to get help from your local qualified professionals.</p>

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<p>All other issues aside, about the enthusiasm followed by wanting to quit:</p>

<p>One of my Ds is a gifted athlete, she was chosen early for pre-team gymnastics classes, at age 5 & older we did as much as twenty hours a week…she loved it overall, but not every single day. For a couple of years, I paid on the 10th (last day before late fees) and once I paid she was committed through that month. I asked her each month on the 10th if she wanted to stay in and she did, but around the 20th some whinging would begin. DD competed at ages 8/9 and had a blast, though her gift is not really gymnastics. She was a competent solid team member, but not the star. </p>

<p>She later became a star at different sports and I understand about your concern that you not miss an opportunity. I felt very obligated to find my DD the right sport opportunity and we did end up connecting with the sport she took to international competition levels, but she did tons of other things along the way, was very successful, yet moved on to other sports.</p>

<p>My D did play on three varsity teams and as a little kid she did gymnastics plus other seasonal sports, because she loved it and she needed the outlet and she was rather hyperactive. Her sisters did all the season sports, too, for at least a season. We faced many times when quitting seemed attractive to the kids and they were always told to stay for that season and then not return, as they had committed to the team- this is for things like baseball, soccer, etc.</p>

<p>The comments from your son that you have relayed seem rather snarky and make him sound a bit petulant, giving the impression he is spoiled. Whilst you have written in far more detail than many parents do, we still do not know the reality of your situation; however I know with my DD, when she was doing 4-5 days a week of gymnastics team, in her vision the world revolved around her. She was picked up from school, fed, and any needs addressed, then onto the carpool and gym…late that evening she returned and once again it was all about her for 30-60 minutes as she got ready for bed and the next day’s activities.</p>

<p>But she needed to have it pointed out that when she was gone it was all about others. It is not attractive when a kid thinks they are special and act bratty. My DD definitely flirted with bratty at age 7 or so, and I had to look for opportunities to allow her to gain a big picture perspective. She seems fine now, but I know her sisters at times were annoyed that DD was the focus at certain times in sports seasons, so it is really important for your son’s future relationships that you find ways to help him see himself as part of te family unit, not the pampered prince.</p>

<p>Especially if he is youngest and only one at home, it is just easy to become the focus of all energy and to feel empowered. Some of the actions you have outlined sound very manipulative, you’ll need to discern those times and avoid being manipulated by him. ;)</p>

<p>Also, sometimes quitting is the right thing. One of my Ds played volleyball for years and in the week before her senior year she quit the team. She had liked the coach, in prior years, then played club ball and just felt like he played mind games and she was to vulnerable to them. It was the right decision and it was made after camp and before the entire team had been selected, so no one else had yet been cut and D had had an excellent camp, but she decided it was no fun and she was done. We supported her and she appreciated that.</p>

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<p>First off a warning: I skipped from page 1 to page 5 of this thread. I think I can surmise what transpired from 2-4.</p>

<p>OP, I feel your pain. I have a poorly patched hole in the wall by our piano that I kicked in frustration with an 8 year old who begged to take piano lessons, but was ready to quit two days before the recital. It was my “tail wagging the dog” moment. I was allowing her to act disrespectfully to me and I was totally playing into it. The next day, while waiting for the putty to dry, I had time to think about the big picture. Piano? Doesn’t matter, but do finish what you commit to. Being disrespectful (she was only rude to me, but this can apply to peers, etc)? Unacceptable. And she was good (as your son is) and knew how to push my buttons. Didn’t work anymore. Gotta say it was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I laid the groundwork of acceptable behavior and the consequences of violating that set of standards. And (apologies OP, if you’re able to deal with these issues without emotion) but I would not allow myself to be drawn into the drama.</p>

<p>So now she’s 14 and wonderful. Maybe it was just maturing, but I think that realigning our relationship was one of the best things I ever did.</p>

<p>I think every trait that drives you crazy also has a good side. Look for the good side of stubborn (such as working on a problem until he gets it) and reward that. Give him tools to deal with what frustrates him (e.g. role play what to say when kids are mean).</p>

<p>I find it interesting that he is not your oldest child, because your concern on directing his activities is something many parents have for the first-born, lightening up on the next. But, again, big picture here: help him be the best person he can be. The activities, passions, etc. will take care of themselves.</p>

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<p>Just an observation in response to the latest posts:</p>

<p>I think that sometimes parents might play into their kid’s whining & manipulation because the parent has taken ownership of the activity – and the kid’s activity is fulfilling some sort of parental dream or fantasy rather than simply being what it is: a kid’s activity. In other words, you imagine the future concert pianist or olympic medalist, and it drives you nuts when the kid behaves like… a little kid. </p>

<p>I had a very different take: when my daughter was 6 years old and doing gymnastics I’d get ticked off when adults would ask her if she wanted to grow up and go to the olympics. I’d think, do they ask the kids playing t-ball if they are planning to play professional baseball? </p>

<p>So I also had the rule that if I had paid for the month… no quitting. That rule got broken. But when it got broken there was no next month for that activity. Maybe a next year when the kid was older – but basically I wasn’t playing into having my chains yanked. If the kid wanted to quit, he/she quit. So my son dropped gymnastics, my daughter dropped violin. The world didn’t come to an end. I didn’t get into a huge battle – once the activity was dropped, the subject was dropped as well.</p>

<p>There were some things I made my kids do – but in that case there wasn’t whining because the issue wasn’t negotiable. I didn’t care if my kid felt like doing it or not. . </p>

<p>If the kid knows that an activity is optional, but that mom or dad takes some sort of vicarious pleasure in it – then the kid has all the power in the world over the parent with the on-again, off-again routine, the whining, and the begging & pleading and attention that will ensue. </p>

<p>So the main point of this post is: the parent needs to avoid getting caught up in seeing the activity as culminating in some great accomplishment. A kid’s activity is just that, and no more. If the kid is destined to be a great athlete or artist, then the parent of that kid will have a hard time keeping the kid away from that activity. The elite in those fields are the kids who lived & breathed to do whatever it is they became so good at. The vast majority of kids simply explore different activities and grow up to do something different.</p>

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<p>The probability of a childhood being marred by parental overinvolvement is quite significant.</p>

<p>Imo forget about elite levels of performance in any field until your child demonstrates the staying power of his interest in that field. </p>

<p>If he is tired of violin, so what? Maybe that is not his instrument. To paraphrase Edison, “I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I’ve successfully determined what will not work. I will continue until I find what will work.”</p>

<p>Finding a suitable therapist is like finding any other professional. When the will is there, it can be done.</p>

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<p>calmom–your observation is apt. My teenage S took fencing one summer but decided that while he like the <em>idea</em> of fencing, he didn’t like wearing the heavy protective gear that went along with it, so he quit. I was fine with that, but I was a little disappointed at the time, cause fencing is so cool. ;)</p>

<p>I agree you can’t let a 9 year old yank your chain or lay a guilt trip on you.</p>

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<p>Ecs are not as important as having friends. It is very sad and bothersome that no one came to the son’s birthday party, as posted by OP in other thread. I would try to figure out if it is you or your son that is getting that kind of reaction from people. I think getting therapy would possibly show you what is appropriate behavior to encourage positive interaction between you and other moms, and between your son and other kids. Sometimes our behavior could have an affect on our kids ability to make friends, especially when it is a small community and the child is young.</p>

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<p>I agree that friends are important at any age- but especially for children- I don’t think the value can be overestimated.</p>

<p>Its kinda refreshing to be posting about elementary school kids on a college board. :slight_smile: The people I know usually have either toddlers or much older kids- It’s nice to be able to use all that * wisdom* I gleaned from my parenting book collection again. :D</p>

<p>For what it is worth- my kids are great- and maybe something will help someone, if not the OP.</p>

<p>I didn’t have much experience with child ecs myself-& I didn’t really have * a great plan*
I did have some rough guidelines- why were we spending money and time on kid stuff?
Was it convienent? affordable? Could we carpool?</p>

<p>I recognized that I was trying to offer her a more child focused childhood than what I had. It sounds obvious, but I wanted my kids to know that I thought they had interests and opinions that were worth something * now*, not that they had to wait till they were an adult for anyone to listen to them.</p>

<p>Initially, I was driven to find things, because oldest had been ill. Her gross motor delay and her natural inclination toward quiet things, led me to find things that would encourage her physical side by being really fun.
We were lucky that the couple that ran the local gymboree outlet were very warm and funny & we really enjoyed the programs.
How can you not like a couple named Fred & Bernice? :)</p>

<p>Finding other couples with kids similar ages- is really so helpful to share and get perspective & I firmly believe, that because of the encouragement of exercise, her neuro system rebounded from the intercranial hemmoraging in the hospital. </p>

<p>As she got older often I found what she wanted to explore was related to what a friend was doing- that was fine with me.
after I nipped her career as a bunhead in the bud, she wanted to try singing.
A friend belonged to a local girls choir
( Seattle has at least two pretty established choirs that traveled nationally at the top levels)
& her mom was also a professional classical singer. I was glad for her advice, as I was leaning toward the one choir, because it was closer, but she said her daughter was in the other & it was more fun.
( since they both attended a very small private school- ecs had to be outside- as school only offered after school care-we couldn’t even get a girl scout program going) </p>

<p>She did that for 3 years- it was fun & I loved attending their concerts ( but I had to find someone to sew the uniform:o )- but no one asked if she was going to pursue it professionally thank goodness.</p>

<p>That was really the only ec she did, until she stopped to volunteer with the ponies at the zoo. That lasted for about 7 or 8 years. ( no driving, no cost, & she found well paying work as a riding instructor when she was old enough- nice)</p>

<p>( I did strongly encourage her into joining a sports team in her senior year of high school- she hadn’t participated on teams- although she did participate in musicals in middle & high school- she joined track- but it wasn’t really her thing- she is still active though- does yoga and rides her bike- but nothing involving balls :eek: unlike her sister, who at one point was on two soccer teams - one school & one rec league- </p>

<p>I think sports teams can be invaluable- with a great coach and good group of parents not to mention the kids- there is so much that they learn on & off the pitch- teams in sports that are more individual- swimming, track, gymnastics- can still be team oriented, particularly if you have really good coaches- but feel different & I have learned alot from the other parents, even when she was in high school, a supportive community is wonderful)</p>

<p>Some of older D’s zoo coworkers parents, pressured them to quit the zoo,when they started thinking about college- they preferred they spend more time on academic related activities despite their kids interests- but I was more interested in that she was self motivated to continue, I didn’t want to choose what she did.
As long as she was doing OK in school, I didn’t have a goal of what she wanted to do outside of school.</p>

<p>I knew that she was getting much from her experience, that couldn’t really be measured with an increase in test scores or gpa. She had to work through a * lot of crap*. But she learned to deal with the public, to deal with co-workers and nasty bosses and how to delegate.</p>

<p>Even if an activity isn’t perfect- they really may be learning much you can’t quantify & it made a great essay- lol.</p>

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<p>Emerald k;What is a “bunhead”?</p>

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<p>^^^ A ballerina.</p>

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<p>oh sorry- it was a good thing I used to be a hairdresser- her ballet school was very traditional and buns were required at all times even practice. Lots of bobby pins and hair spray involved as she had fine, slippery straight blond hair- it was a PITA.</p>

<p>She loved these books though
[Amazon.com:</a> Battle of the Bunheads (Bad News Ballet Series): Jahnna N. Malcolm: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Battle-Bunheads-Bad-News-Ballet/dp/0970016417/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217443164&sr=1-3]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Battle-Bunheads-Bad-News-Ballet/dp/0970016417/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217443164&sr=1-3)</p>

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<p>While the OP seems to have abandoned this thread, I finally located a book that I had just bought but had gotten sucked into the swamp of my bedside table reading.</p>

<p>I admit I haven’t read it yet- but it looks very good .</p>

<p>

</p>

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<p>Dear OP mom, If you are still reading, two short suggestions. I often fell into a trap and was manipulated by my kid when she had situations that she couldn’t/didn’t want to deal with socially. When I realized that I was getting my buttons pushed, I tried very hard not to let this happen in the future. Yes, you want other kids to behave/be nice, etc, but the only person’s behavior that you really can control is yours. Yes really. You can try to show a kid how to behave, but they may or may not do it (yours, mine, everyone’s).</p>

<p>That said, I try to give concrete suggestions for the future. They may not be taken for years, but one day, they may be and I would be happy that I kept suggesting things. I never talk to kids or parents about the kid issues, and I would only do it in dire circumstances (actual injury (not a scratch), illegality, or the like.</p>

<p>Lastly, if you hurt, therapy really could be a boon. I work as an Administrator in a medical office, and internists and other doctors can refer you to people that they trust. You can quit if you don’t like the person (not your issues and baggage) and find someone else. This is your privilege if you become a patient. Friendly advice can help when it comes to what computer is good or sporting goods, but when your mental well being is in the wringer, a healing professional would be the place to go.</p>

<p>NO offense intended. I really believe this.</p>