<p>After only two weeks of school, already we never see DD. We raised her to be independent, and she is. She is a straight A student, responsible and happy. Just not happy with us. It’s either school activities or the boyfriend. Will we ever see her again? Is it unreasonable to say, “Have dinner with us three nights a week and stay home those nights”?</p>
<p>Happened to us with our 2008 Son and now our 2010 DD. I think it is a natural part of the leaving process. You will be glad to know that DS is now back eating dinner on a regular basis. Dinner is back to two chickens - one disappears inside him and the other feeds my wife and I (plus leftovers for lunch the next day). DD is a vegetarian so none for her. Boy that boy can eat!!!</p>
<p>Congratulations…you’ve done your job as a parent. Your D is independent and taking care of herself and managing her schedule. Sounds like she’s ready to go to college next year!</p>
<p>The “have dinner with us and stay home three nights a week” request would be unreasonable at our house. Both D’s (one HS class of '08, one '10) had/have busy schedules, just like your D. School, sports, activities, and part-time jobs. Since they really don’t have a lot of free time to socialize with their friends, I wouldn’t want to make them stay in on free evenings just to keep me company–especially when the free evenings are usually on the weekends.</p>
<p>Maybe you can work a deal with your D. Invite the boyfriend over for dinner one night a week, and she stays in and has dinner with you (no boyfriend) one night a week. That way you know you’ll see her at least for two dinners.</p>
<p>Our S has been spending numerous evenings with friends over the summer. I expect, with the school year starting next week, we may seem him more on evenings. However, this means he’ll be busy with homework, so it’s not like we’ll be shooting the breeze. We told him our preference is to have enough warning so we know whether dinner is going to be for two or three people.</p>
<p>I still “mandate” a family dinner at least 5-6 days a week and one night we have “fend for yourself dinner” so I guess I’m terribly old fashioned. We have a 6:15 rule…everyone has to be at the house at 6:15, we eat at 6:30 or so and they are “released” to do whatever after the table is cleared. The only “excused absences” are if they are scheduled to work or if they have an away game or match and won’t be back in time. The other excused absence is if I’m traveling for work or working late at the office…I’m sure they all love it when that happens 'cause usually I come home ask my husband where they are and he say “I don’t know they went somewhere to eat.” We generally have a herd of teens hanging outside the house in good weather waiting for my boys to finish eating and sometimes I feed everyone who is hanging out who wants to eat. I chuckled because when my college junior is home he is promptly back at home at 6:15 - that’s how ingrained it is. If I didn’t mandate this, I’d never see the kids! We are definitely “unusual” in today’s frantic world, but we have great dinner conversations most of the time.</p>
<p>We always had sport schedules to contend with but we knew Weds were a good night to plan dinner, albeit late. Monday was also a reasonable day. Football players wouldn’t get out of practice before 6 let alone get home by then. After that, it was a crap shoot. We also tried to do Sunday nights. That’s three nights a week and I thought it was reasonable, but it wasn’t set in stone. Plus… if there was a friend to join us, that was fine as well. </p>
<p>Be flexible. Before you know it, they are gone. Eat late, eat early… but try to make it work AT LEAST once a week, even if it’s only an early day dinner on Sunday.</p>
<p>Same thing happened at our house S1 ('05) and S2('08) worked, played sports, had busy social lives. We often didn’t see them them before 8:30 or 9:00 (sometimes later if working) on school nights. And weekends??? Forget it. They were either working or out with friends. We always ate together after church on Sundays and a few random other days during the week depending on schedules. We didn’t have any rules. We just went with the flow.</p>
<p>It was their senior year with friends they would soon be leaving. They were having fun and not getting in trouble (well, none that we knew about anyway). They spent the night out a lot on weekends during senior yr. too. They always called before we old folks went to bed to let us know. DH kept repeating to me that in XX months they would be off to college and on their own.</p>
<p>After reading all the threads about parents being so upset when their kids left for college, it occured to me that both kids being out of the house so much their during senior yrs. was really a good transition to them leaving for college. DH and I really got accustomed to doing things on our own that year.
Of course I missed them when they left but it was more like walking down a hill than falling off a cliff.</p>
<p>Agree that mandating three nights a week might be impossible. The strigency to me would depend on whether there are still other siblings at home. Our DD was hardly ever home her senior year but she was the youngest. We always knew she was at an EC or at work. Her grades were fine. Generally we usually had a family dinner on Sunday nights and I know she looked forward to eating at home with DH and I on Sundays.</p>
<p>Our feeling is that we want to be more than a boarding house. Often, DD is out with friends or over at their houses. She manages her life well, and we don’t want to “intrude”, but we have only this last year, and would like family time. Hard to know what is right and what is wrong. I know it does depend on the family. DD’s boyfriend basically has no family and so DD thinks his “freedom” is the ideal.</p>
<p>That is a different situation then being out due to work or ECs. I think it is reasonable to request a couple of nights a week as family dinner time.</p>
<p>No going out on week nights except for ballet. It continued until D1 went off to college. When D1 was in high school, she also had to babysit her sister on a weekend evening if we wanted to go out. We also did a lot of things as a family on weekends - a day in NYC, dinners out, or get together with family friends. D1 would usually tell us when something is really important to her, then we would arrange our schedule to accomendate her.</p>
<p>We are big cooks in our house so my sons never missed a dinner (or breakfast or lunch) if they could help it! They still don’t miss a meal when they are home. Even if your kids are really busy (like mine were), it is not unreasonable to request at least one night a week for a family dinner. Everyone has to eat, right? Most kids tend to appreciate dinner with their parents a lot more after a semester spent at college eating dorm food.</p>
<p>Actually, we have a similar schedule. I don’t work outside the home and we’re a fairly traditional family. My husband is the oldest of 5 boys and I know they were usually home for dinner when he was growing up. We try to eat between 5:30 and 6:30. I can’t say my daughter is at the table EVERY night, but we try to make it a habit. Sometimes one of her friends will join us. Myself, if I had MY way, we’d be eating out every night! 
Oh, and I refuse to serve dessert regularly like his mom did. I have enough problems keeping the pounds off. :-)</p>
<p>I remember this phenomenom with my daughter. It was like she was trying to cram every possible experience into one year. Make sure they understand to keep April open for potential college visits!</p>
<p>I read a great article a few years back, when we rarely saw our hs senior son. He had a group of 10 friends with whom he spent a lot of time, that last year, and also a lot of activities at school and in the community.</p>
<p>Anyway, this article described this lifestyle very well and attributed it to the kids’ need to begin separating before leaving for college. It was considered a stage in that transition.</p>
<p>We did have family dinners, as I remember, but just let things happen naturally. There were still 2 younger siblings around.</p>
<p>I feel that establishing that distance in senior year, did in fact help him leave. It was almost as if that group of friends was a transitional family for him, one that was easier to leave then his actual family, if that makes sense.</p>
<p>“…and you never write, you never call, you’re never home for dinner…”</p>
<p>Just be happy you’ve raised a wonderful independent daughter! Get ready, because next year, you’ll be posting here asking if it’s unreasonable to expect her to call home three times a week…</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s unreasonable to resent being treated like a boarding house, but I’d try to put a positive spin on it rather than a negative.</p>
<p>So declare Sunday night or Thursday night or Friday night “open house”. Your D can invite as many or as few of her friends as she wants for dinner with 24 hour notice to the cook. And you should do the same… invite the empty nester couple across the street who you’ve exchanged hellos with but nothing more. Invite the new person at work who is still living in a motel while her apartment is getting painted. Put the leaf in the table, come up with a rotation of chili/pasta/ easy meals to make in bulk, and encourage your daughter to use your house as the social base one night a week.</p>
<p>She should let you know if there’s another night when she’d like “just family” and you’ll honor that.</p>
<p>See how it goes. It’s easy to “hang” when you’re in HS. It is harder to ask the BF to act civilized and actually eat a meal sitting at a table on real plates… but it won’t kill him to interact with you one night a week.</p>
<p>I would be VERY concerned that she’s usually with a boyfriend who has “basically no family”. </p>
<p>I do work fulltime and I have teenage boys so my problem is more fending them off until I can get dinner ready than forcing them to eat it. I would establish a couple of nights for family! We always dine out on Sat night and the kids miss occasionally, but we eat fairly early so they normally make sure to schedule their evening activities for after dinner. This is kind of our ‘catch up after a busy week’ time. Works for us.</p>
<p>How is she getting so much free time? My kids often have several hours of homework, followed by dinner, followed by soccer practice two nights per week and school functions on other nights. Odd to me that she would have so much free time her senior year.</p>
<p>Timely!
Due to a 4:30 a.m. wakeup (ugh) on my part tomorrow morning I announced this evening that, unless it was going to be a very early night (10:30) that tonight everyone was to stay home, so I could get some sleep knowing everyone was here safe and sound. Within a half hour, S2 was asking to go out. Anger and bitterness followed when I stuck to my guns. </p>
<p>Am anxious for the school year to start. We need to get back on a schedule. College will be a relief. Saying goodbye will be very sad, but I will NOT miss the combination of kids and cars on the roads at night. They’re young and inexperienced.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful suggestions. Blossom, I’m definitely going to implement your idea of inviting a crowd one night a week. DD does not play sports, and this is why she has more time on her hands than I would like. She has an incredible schedule (tons of APs and a college class) but none of this seems to make a dent in her schedule. We are considering the amount of time we will require/entice/cajole at home. Tonight her 3 best friends fron 4th grade are over. Two of them are not allowed to “wander”. One, like the BF is quite unrestricted. We’re trying to find our point of equilibrium.</p>