handling a terminal illness at work

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I need help (and kindness here)</p>

<p>A very valued employee, whom I do love and care for dearly, has seemingly out of the blue over the past few days, been diagnosed with a terminal illness. </p>

<p>He’s still undergoing final tests. He’s the “face” of my company, irreplaceable with his deep knowledge and fabulous personality that my accounts absolutely love him. </p>

<p>It came on so suddenly with emergency surgery and follow up appointments that I absolutely had to tell the two managers who work under him who were expecting him and who depend on him so tremendously. I am not the type who can suck it up and be matter of fact. He may not be my family by blood, but it sure feels like it. </p>

<p>I have never had to deal with this in the workplace before. Things I want to leave up to him: if he ever wants to come back to work or not, who and/how to let others know. I don’t know what I don’t know. </p>

<p>Is there any liability letting him to continue working if he so chooses? (he’s the type who loves his job and I would guess he’s going to want to keep himself occupied) He’s not in the office, an interesting note about my company - we service hospitals so he’s certainly only a step away from medical help in an emergency. Do we owe his customers any kind of explanation on his out of the blue disappearance or a heads up if he’s working for his safety?</p>

<p>When the time comes for me to announce this to everyone, how awful would it be if I couldn’t make it through without crying? I’m a small company without an HR department, and there is no policy and procedure for this.</p>

<p>We’ve already decided regardless we’ll keep him on payroll and of course insurance paid for as long as necessary.</p>

2

<p>It will not be awful when you cry when you make the announcement- and you will cry along with many others.</p>

<p>Ask him how he wants to move forward.</p>

<p>I am sorry</p>

3

<p>I’m sorry for your colleague, for you who has to handle this, and especially for your handling it without an HR department. HR can offer policies to deal with these things so you don’t have to “wing it” while mourning the inevitable loss of a valued colleague.</p>

<p>As an HR person, I do want to warn you to beware – as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. You say

That is very generous and obviously done out of your strong admiration for this individual. I would caution you about two things:</p>

<ol>
<li>What will you do if it turns out he isn’t terminal quite yet but still is too sick to work? You might wind up paying him for several years even though he’s performing no services for the company. Of course you want to be generous with him, but can the company handle such a potentially open-ended promise?</li>
</ol>

<p>(Another thought: If he has a family, how long will you continue insurance for them?)</p>

<ol>
<li>What will you do if, in six months, Mr. We-Don’t-Like-Him-So-Much becomes terminally ill? Will you keep him on payroll and continue his insurance also?</li>
</ol>

<p>My recommendation is to get some policies in place so that you are dealing with this very sad situation in a consistent, professional manner. Also, a group life insurance policy is a very cheap benefit to get (not for this fellow anymore, I’m afraid) that can help mitigate a family’s loss.</p>

<p>I hope I don’t sound hard-hearted by bringing up these issues. But I work in HR and have seen the unfortunate outcome when a manager tells an employee not to apply for disability, because “I’ll take care of you” – only, after a year of disability, to have the manager go back on his word.</p>

4

<p>Although no one wanted long term insurance last time I offered it, I’m going to offer it again to employees. I can’t pay for it for everyone, but I will give them a choice if they want it or not. </p>

<p>Does that cover me for the future?</p>

<p>It’s just him and his wife, no kids. No family around. The wife is on disability herself. I wasn’t going to announce to the company about his payroll status. I can’t put them out on the streets with no income and live with myself. I’d cut my pay before I did that. Although we don’t know yet, given his initial dx it can’t be a matter of years. </p>

<p>I tend to get bit in the behind in an effort to be compassionate - not this case, but in times previously. Unfortunately no one in upper management has ever dealt with this so we don’t even know how to put a policy together, and honestly it’s so new right now, I don’t know if right now is the time for me to make permanent decisions. </p>

<p>Could you point me in the direction of where I could possibly find out how other company’s handle this?</p>

5

<p>I sent you a pm.</p>

6

<p>I don’t have a lot to offer other than I can tell this moves you greatly and I think that asking him how he’d like to move forward is a great idea. He may be operating in shock at this time, also, so his feelings may change. </p>

<p>Do you have an actual idea of what he is diagnosed with? </p>

<p>As to logisitcs…Clearly you and your senior staff will need some contingency planning as far as stuff he knows that you may need to know/access to and some planning re calendaring/what to do in an immediate vs. long term crisis (ie he can’t be the only person who knows stuff/is prepared for a big meeting/contract whatever/passwords etc). You might see if he needs or wants rides or other accomadations or can work from home. You may need a phone tree or contact person assigned…</p>

<p>When you speak of long term insurance for your other ee’s were you taking LT disability or LT care? The former can be much less expensive than the latter.</p>

<p>As mentioned above, you may need to consider a “HR policy” at some point but obviously better done in a generalized format with no specific person in mind than someone much loved in crisis. It speaks well of you that you feel this way and I wish more employers felt the same. </p>

<p>Edited to add that some life insurance policies allow payout on a terminal diagnosis and depending on his life expectency he may be able to qualify for social security disability (edited: if he is unable to work…NOTE he may WANT to work or “need” $$ to work but this is something to consider). The social security website has a list of events/diagnosis which are presumptively terminal and a special program under “TERI”…</p>

<p>BEST.</p>

7

<p>

If you mean Long Term Care insurance - that’s quite different than medical insurance. LTC is something he might be able to use (fairly soon) but it might be difficult to get now that he has this illness. If you deal with an insurance company offering you group plans you might want to check with them on this - maybe they’ll cover him that way.</p>

<p>Veryhappy made a couple of very good points. Regardless of what you decide, some consistency is good. Coming up with written policies at some point is good as well so employees can understand the playing field and take care to cover themselves as-needed. You need to make sure you don’t go broke as well.</p>

<p>I’m thinking you should let him take the lead on this and you should ask him some of your questions. Let ‘him’ decide if he thinks he can reasonably continue to work or what impact his medical care for some period of time might have on his work schedule. He probably doesn’t know the answer to this yet. </p>

<p>Of course, if he decides to keep working but you determine he’s no longer doing the job adequately you’ll need to step in and call it as to whether he continues trying to do his job, perhaps inadequately (which is probably the wrong decision), whether he does a variant of his job that’s less demanding and more accommodating of his condition and medical schedule, whether he does some other kind of job, or whether he goes on extended medical leave or leaves the company.</p>

<p>He should also make the call on informing other employees out of respect for his privacy. However, if you’ve already told a couple of people, it may have already spread like wildfire. If he thinks it’s okay to inform them you can discuss whether he’d rather tell them himself or have you help him with this.</p>

<p>The same goes for informing clients or people outside of the company he interfaces with. I think he should take the lead on it . If you start to notice he’s unable to provide the level of service they’re used to, or if they start complaining in this area, you still don’t need to tell the outsiders - instead you need to rectify the situation by putting other employees on those tasks to keep your customers happy. Even if they knew he had a terminal illness they’d still be dissatisfied customers if they didn’t get the level of service they expected so you need to rectify it by keeping them satisfied.</p>

<p>As far as danger to himself if he keeps working - I think you need to generally rely on his own determination of this unless you see something obvious. Regardless, he has medical insurance in the event something happens. Many terminally ill people can work okay for some period of time.</p>

<p>Consider the mental aspects of this. Even if he’s physically able to continue to work for a while, finding out you have a terminal illness is a serious mental blow and it can be very difficult for one to be able to concentrate on work. It might be best if he doesn’t work, takes medical leave, but you need to rely on him on this point as well as your own observations. </p>

<p>His focus right now should be on his medical conditions and managing them as best as possible - not work. Sometimes doing the medical leave is best.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you and he are going through this. It’s rough.</p>

8

<p>The dx is esophageal cancer, based on his info, he has had issues for at least two years before anyone catching it. Based on the tests and what he’s shared, they’re also now considering his pancreas, gall bladder and brain. Makes me weepy just to type it. As much as my heart would hope for the best, I’m realistic enough to understand the reality. </p>

<p>Also, given how the tests have been one after another, clearing the path with difficult specialists I get how serious they believe it to be. He texted me that he gets the final word on Monday. I can’t imagine waiting that long. If there was something I could do, trust me, I’d be doing it. We have contacts at every major hospital and I don’t hesitate to call in favors. But to call in favors is to let the cat out of the bag, which isn’t my call to make. </p>

<p>We’re more than colleagues so I have to figure out how to approach the conversation and at what point we talk about what he wants. He’s a weepy one too and we’re very much kindred spirits (I swear we’re both married and love our spouses if anyone reads too much into it) We both have emotionally stronger spouses than the two of us. </p>

<p>I don’t even want to make it about work with him, but I have to put on my Owner hat and look after the company and figure out how to cover him. Already I’m being called and emailed that he hasn’t gotten back to people or not answering calls. So far I’m just saying he had a personal emergency and leaving it at that and just handling it.</p>

9

<p>I’m so sorry, eyemamom. This is very hard, and heartbreaking. Knowing you are in his corner will make a huge difference in how he comes through this difficult time.</p>

<p>I do think that he may qualify for Social Security Disability with Stage IV cancer. You might want to consult a lawyer who specializes in these kinds of cases and find out what the various options available to him are, as it might help in your own decision making regarding your company’s ongoing support. Remember, too, that even with Stage IV, medicine has progressed a lot in the last several years, and people are living longer even with Stage IV disease. Obviously, it depends a lot on what treatments are available and how he responds to treatment, but he could have years, even, with a decent quality of life.
He’s very lucky to have you as an employer. Hugs to you.</p>

10

<p>

This can fall under the ‘What can I do for you?’…‘How can I help you out?’ conversations which are perfectly appropriate and in line with what you’d do for any of your employees who were faced with any kind of severe situation I’d guess. That would open the door for a few specifics to discuss but you can then follow his lead and let him determine how he wants you to handle specific things. Let it happen over the course of some days though rather than trying to cover everything at once - especially since you’ll likely both be extra emotional the first few times you discuss any of this. Remember that he doesn’t have all the details on this and may not have them Monday either. These kinds of things can stretch out just to figure out what his course for the future will be re medical appointments, activity levels, etc. The plans of what to do regarding the workplace and informing others, etc. may change over time.</p>

<p>

That’s good - that’s all anyone else needs to know right now. They can be further informed when appropriate - ideally as he desires or as you determine is necessary for the business.</p>

11

<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this.</p>

<p>In July a co-worker/colleague/friend suddenly didn’t feel well and asked for an ambulance to be called. He was admitted, tests were run but nothing was found. They decided to keep him overnight and run additional tests in the morning. We had updates twice (late afternoon, evening). In the morning our boss called us (it was Saturday) telling us he had died overnight.</p>

<p>Especially after the updates on late Friday, the call on Saturday morning was completely unexpected. He was 5 years younger than me, not ill. He had walked to work that day, as he had for most of the year, as a way to be green and get some exercise.</p>

<p>I will tell you my boss cried when he called, I cried when I heard, and when we all went to work on Monday we cried some more, including during meetings with other departments. </p>

<p>Thinking of you during this difficult time. Thank you for being caring and compassionate. We don’t always get the chance to let our friends, family, and co-workers know how much they mean to us.</p>

12

<p>OP, I’m so sorry that you and your trusted colleague are facing this. Two small observations from my own experience:

  1. I have a colleague who was diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal cancer and given (by a team of top specialists) months to live 6 years ago. He’s still with us. It’s a complicated story but a concrete example that sometimes people really do beat the odds.
  2. Years before that we had another colleague who had a sudden terminal illness. The compassion shown by our firm to him and his family left a deep an lasting impression among all of his co-workers. I know for a fact that two talented senior staff who had attractive offers from other firms have stayed in part because of their belief that the firm walks the walk. Loyalty goes both ways, and while I know you are doing the right thing because you are compassionate and decent I hope you will also find that you are doing the right thing from a business perspective.</p>

<p>I’m sure I’m not alone in hoping for only the best for your colleague and his family. Please let us know how it goes.</p>

13

<p>Terminal is a difficult diagnosis to make accurately. A friend was given 8 weeks to live with stage IV cancer if no treatment, he did not treatment, worked 3-4 days a week for 7 weeks, died the 8th week.</p>

<p>Another person was diagnosed with stage IV cancer known to be slower growing, he made it 4 years and was offered hospice numerous times along the way, he shrank, his world got smaller, but he was still driving and active for his age up until about a month before he died.</p>

14

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</p>

<p>People need to accept this answer and deal with it. Hopefully most of them are smart enough to fill in the blanks and understand that it is something you aren’t able to talk about, but that it is serious. Obviously a person’s life is more important than work or deadlines or profits.</p>

15

<p>OP, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I would like to echo the thoughts from other CCers, just ask your colleague and friend what he needs from you, or what you can do for him or his wife.</p>

<p>Many years ago, my Dad was diagnosed with rectal cancer and had to stop working. His company was kind enough to “keep him on the books” which paid for his medical coverage. They also covered his life insurance policy so when he passed 4 months later, Mom received $10,000. It wasn’t much but it was the only life insurance he had. Dad couldn’t get life insurance because he’d had colon cancer when he was 25 years old and most policies were either denied or too expensive.</p>

<p>To this day, mom remembers what Dad’s company did for them and it was much appreciated.</p>

16

<p>Be ready to deal with nosy people. There are always some people who want to know all the gritty details even when they have no need to know. These people can be quite insensitive and cruel (even though they don’t know they are due to their own insensitivity). </p>

<p>If there’s really no compelling reason for a particular person to know particular details you might know since you’re close to him and his boss (I assume), then don’t succumb to telling them - just give them the party line and say it’s a ‘private personal matter’.</p>

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<p>I hope you are asking him what he wants you to tell others and when. I was diagnosed with cancer and asked my manger not to tell anyone, she did for my “own good” , I t was such an invasion of privacy. The person with the illness needs to be able to control what they can. I am hoping this turns out better than you expect, and think you are wonderful for all the care and consideration you have for this man. You will do the right thing because your heart is in the right place</p>

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<p>We spoke to him today and he said he was okay with whatever we wanted to tell people. I think the inner circle gets to know the truth, everyone else will just be told he’s out on a personal emergency. The inner circle is pretty tight and closed mouth. People are already noticing, calling asking where he is. I can’t stress enough how adored this guy is by our accounts, and part of me wonders if he even gets that. Being they’re all in the medical field for the most part they’re all caring professionals who get this stuff. So for now I say nothing, but part of me wonders if it would at all be a positive thing if he got to know how much people think of him, would be there for him, etc. </p>

<p>He finds out Monday the entire story, so clearly there is nothing to tell now anyway.</p>

19

<p>eyemamom - almost two years ago, when I went to my dermatologist’s office for my semi-annual check up, I was told he was out on a medical leave (they had someone else in the office filling in for him, I think a recent dermatology residency grad). When I tried to probe further, mostly along the lines of when was he going to be back (trying to figure out if I wanted to stay at this practice or go elsewhere), the staff told me that they had no idea, that all they’d been told was that he was on medical leave - by the doctor’s choosing this route (not telling anyone anything), it didn’t put them in a position of knowing something that they then had to keep from patients coming in the office. While I know it was hard on the staff, not knowing what he had, prognosis, etc., it did help them maintain a professionalism in the office with patients who came in day in and day out asking questions (like me!).</p>

<p>So for two semi-annual checks, I saw the fill-in doc. Fast forward to last September… my semi-annual appt. was approaching, and I had this weird feeling about it. I decided to go online and search the obituaries. Sure enough, he had died less than a month earlier. When I went in for my appt., the staff was then able to tell me what kind of cancer he’d had, and share with me the plans for another doc to buy out the practice. Because I knew he had died prior to my appt., I brought in a sympathy card for his family, knowing the staff would know how to get it to them; as it so happened, while I was there, his wife stopped in for some paper work, and the staff told her the card they had just given her was from a patient (me) currently in the office. She said she’d like to see me, if I had time afterwards. So I did meet with her for a few minutes, and was able to offer my sympathies in person, and she filled me in a little more on how he’d fought the cancer fight, their decision on who they wanted to take over the practice, etc. I appreciated the time she gave me.</p>

<p>While initially I did not like knowing what was going on with him, when the staff used the wording “medical leave”, that gave me enough information to know they wanted privacy, but I knew it was medical-related, which I figured couldn’t be good if he was out of the office indefinitely. And it allowed them to be honest with patients, without being put in the position of knowing something they couldn’t share.</p>

<p>So perhaps, using the phrase ‘medical leave’ would suffice for your other employees, and leave it at that.</p>

20

<p>After hearing your genuine heartbreak concerning his situation, after that, the best approach may be: the gift of normalcy.</p>