So I am currently an undergraduate student dorming in college in Long Island. Two of my friends who dorm together down the hall from me (we live in corridor style housing) let another one of their friends stay/live in the room with them for the semester because he doesnt want to pay for his own room. Keep in mind, this is a girls corridor. I know them all very well and understand that they are being very good friends by letting him stay in their dorm, but I have a huge problem with this. I can barely pay for my own room and struggle with student loans, so seeing someone take advantage of the situation and say they commute but are really staying in other students’ room illegally really makes me mad. I have spoken to one of the girls in the room about this and voiced my frustration but she is a very nice person and does not want to kick out her friend. I feel like he is taking advantage of their niceness and staying in their room illegally for his own benefit. This has been going on for a semester already and I cannot stand by and just see this happen. I understand that he’s a very good friend, but he doesn’t even help pay for the room or anything. I’m not sure what to do. Do i speak to my RA or go straight to the Quad director?
If you are uncomfortable, let the RA know anonymously. Since you have spoken to one of the girls already, be prepared to be confronted about it. If it were me, I would just say - I can’t be the only person who has noticed a man on our all girl’s corridor and been upset by it.
The girls are in violation of dorm rules as well and could be tossed out of campus housing, which is not your problem.
They are very good friends of mine, so I dont want to see them kicked out of campus housing, but yes, this makes me very uncomfortable. How exactly do I let the RA know anonymously?
Note under the door?
Typed note under the door. They would probably be warned to get him out and only kicked out themselves if he didn’t leave.
Worry about yourself. Turning other people in does nothing to help you. Good luck.
You will need to use your own moral compass, but I will share my thoughts to provide another perspective, as mine would point in a different direction from what you are considering.
How does his living there hurt you personally? And how would reporting his situation help your own financial situation?
I believe, at least from what you have shared so far, that the answer to both those questions would be “not at all.”
It would just be self-righteous, and worse, malicious, to report it. You would hurt him materially, upset his friends emotionally, and not help yourself or anybody else in any way whatsoever. I recommend that you let it go and live your own life.
If you are uncomfortable about a man in the bathroom or something like that, work together with him on a plan to take turns and protect your privacy. And talk with him and your friends about your discomfort and whether this situation can change eventually. Be direct and caring, not sneaky and mean. Talk to them, not an authority.
It is a lack of respect for others and a serious security situation that is happening,
One thing is to leave a boy to sleep over one night because there was an activity until late and it was difficult to transport at that time, but another is to have it there a semester, I would have taken him out in less a week.
I see this as a matter of integrity. The dorm housing agreement almost certainly forbids permanent guests. Your friends signed that agreement.
In addition if OP specifically chose to live on a single-sex floor, or if it is a religious college that requires such, the presence of a man is even more problematic. And why should the paying resident have to coordinate her bathroom visits with an interloper?
I agree also that this is a security problem.
I totally disagree with those who think this is a victimless crime. I could not afford to go away to college, so I had to commute. The thought of enrolling in school and then staying with friends on campus never crossed my mind, even though I had a couple who probably would have let me. What kind of person thinks they can do this and get away with it? I think it is theft of services for this man to live in a dorm without paying. I also think that if a young woman signs up for all female housing, she should get it. The dorm housing agreement is another aspect. At my kids’ schools, you could only have a guest for up to 3 days, with permission of the roommate and notice to the RA.
The friends are being selfish, as is this young man. If the OP was my D and told me about this situation, I would be the one calling the school to complain.
Yes, I agree it is theft but I’m not the police or in charge of informing the college if extra people are sitting in class or using the bathrooms without paying for them.
I’d let it go because it doesn’t change my living situations or costs. As a student at the school he’s entitle to use the heat and bathrooms in other buildings. There might even be a building that is open all night he could sleep in (library, union, lobby of a classroom lab building).
Life isn’t fair.
I totally disagree with those who are telling the OP to MYOB. As others have pointed out this almost certainly violates the housing agreement. The housing agreement is there to protect everyone. It’s a security threat if “extra” people live in the dorm and have ready access to the interior hallways, common rooms, bathrooms, etc. There’s a reason that most housing agreements limit overnight guests and usually require you to notify the RA of overnight guests, It’s to protect all the residents and also hold people accountable for what their guests do.
Stop white knighting. Your friends obviously want him to stay in their room.
You need to dig deep and figure out why this is bothering you. Your message suggests it is because he got a “deal” and you didn’t. That is not a good reason to report him.
You obviously know this person, so if he offends you in some way - address that. If he is a security threat, that’s a problem, but if he’s not, you would be wrong to claim he is to advance your own agenda.
Whether you handle it directly or with the RA, your friends down the hall are unlikely to remain friends. They believe they are helping a friend and the inconvenience is to them, not you. So again, if you are inconvenienced, try to address the inconvenience.
I suspect other things happen on the hall that are also violations - drinking, smoking, etc. Do you want to report these as well? (Your answer may be yes. But use the process of thinking about this to help you figure out what part of this arrangement continues to rankle you.)
Trust me - if you have this kind of a “fair bone” in you, you are going to be bugged by all kinds of situations and you are going to need to figure out which battles are worth fighting.
A man staying in an all girls corridor infinges on everyone’s privacy… I’m thinking specifically of the bathrooms, and specifically at night when there are fewer people around.
On that basis, I would chat with the RA. It’s not about fairness. And everyone is right-- no one appointed you the campus police. You got the room you paid for; it should be of absolutely of no concern to you whether or not someone else is paying less or getting more. (Remember-- a whole lot of kids in NY are going to SUNY schools for “free” because of the Excelsior Scholarship. And a whole lot of kids in NY are going for free because their parents work in the schools. Then again, a whole lot of kids can’t afford to go to college at all. You’re never going to win the “fair” game.)
BUT… and this is a big “BUT”-- be prepared to lose two friends over this.
So basically, you have to decide whether or not this is the hill you want to die on.
You have to prepare yourself for the worst if you report the situation to the RA. I don’t think you can count on anonymity since you already expressed your frustration to one of the girls. So assume you report it, people find out it was you, the girls get in trouble, he’s gone but now everyone is mad at you, you are ostracized and have to move out of the dorm.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t report, personally I don’t think it is fair that he is living there for free either. He’s clearly taking advantage of them and, what is most likely, their parents’ money. Just think through all the possible outcomes 1st.
Isn’t that kind of common theses days – people tend to look at what other people are “getting.” I think the most happy people don’t really care about what others are doing and focus on what’s good for themselves.
I think you are right, @yourmomma , but it’s a recipe for unhappiness. If I am unhappy with my trip to Hawaii because someone else got the same trip for less, I have ruined a vacation for what?
I think what is more prevalent is having an opinion and then looking for facts to support it. Maybe there is something about the OP’s relationship with the girls down the hall? Only the OP really knows.
We all go through life getting set off by things, and we end up with better resolutions when we can figure out what is truly angering us and address that.
Why scare or lecture OP? There’s irony in telling her to mind her own business, but then minding hers.
If you’re bothered by a seemingly permanent male living on a girls corridor, sure, report it. Anonymously is fine. Don’t let others, including posters, lol, intimidate you by saying you’ll be outed, will lose friends, or that it’s you who’s the problem.
Is he in a common women’s bathroom? My college had rules but the general feel was if your roommate is ok, we’re ok. (Excluding drugs and alcohol.)
OP is friendly with the roommates and the guy. She doesn’t live with them. What is he doing that is impacting her? She may only know a portion of the story.