<p>Okay, this is my last shot at an additional essay. If it’s bad and you don’t like it, then I probably just won’t send one. It’s on what I would consider a risky topic, but I sure did enjoy writing it. Please tell me what you think (respectfully) and point out any errors. Thanks!</p>
<p>Throughout my high school career, I have been introduced to many “intellectual” books. Each of them has its own unique value and message. It is agreed by most that reading these books will not only strengthen one’s literary skills, but will also broaden his or her view of the world. I applaud these books, but I also feel that credit must be given where credit is due. In this essay, I celebrate an “unintellectual” book that has influenced me more than any other. Yes, I admit it, I am in love with the Harry Potter series.</p>
<p>I was in the sixth grade when I first opened the cover to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I was skeptical at first, reading wasn’t really my “thing.” However, a lot of people had been talking about the books so I decided to give them a shot. I was captivated from the very first chapter. I read all day long, not wanting to put the book down. It was so easy for me to become attached to that young wizard with untidy hair and his world of flying broomsticks, dragons, post owls, and magic. After I finished reading the first book, I immediately began reading the second. I was hooked.</p>
<p>The Harry Potter series opened up a whole new world for me–a world of reading. Books became my beloved companions. I read many different types of books, ranging from Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy to Plato’s Republic. Each book relates to me in a different way and allows me to see deeper into myself. Seeing the way characters react in various situations and seeing the values they display helps me to define my own values.</p>
<p>Although many people may dissaprove of the Harry Potter series, it is one of my most endeared pieces of fiction. I have read each book several times and I am emotionally attached to that green-eyed boy and his friends. Somehow, I can see myself in them and I can truly relate with them. They may not hold a Nobel Prize, but the Harry Potter books will forever be my favorite books of all time. I leave you with a piece of solid advice from the series: ‘‘Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus’’(Never tickle a sleeping dragon!</p>
<p>How about not writing an additional essay at all?
How about working on your regular essay to make it better?
One good essay is MUCH MUCH better than 2 average/bad essays.
I wrote one amazing essay that I thought captured many of my feelings and dreams</p>
<p>only write an additional essay if it talks about something you cannot possibly
talk about ANYWHERE ELSE</p>
<p>to tell you the truth if you submit this essay it WILL hurt your chances
Also, this is definitely not a risky topic. It talks about reading books, probably one of the most mundane topics you could possibly talk about. Trust me, EVERY BODY who is applying to harvard has read a book sometime in their life, so how is this essay going to make you stand out from the rest?</p>
<p>This is just my opinion, but you should try to be as honest as possible in reflecting your personality and interests, while trying to focus on assets and minimizing liabilities. You should try to show them the best parts of who you are. I’m sure you have plenty of great things about you, but you’re not putting them in the best light possible. </p>
<p>I share your interest in the fantasy genre (though I’m probably way more geeky) but I don’t think it should be a central focus of my application, unless I intend to read it as an academic subject (comparative literature? mythology? some integrated social studies english thing), or because it’s <em>really important to who you are</em>. And I don’t think it is. </p>
<p>Good effort at writing an additional, but you might want to find a topic that says a bit more about your intellectual or academic interests.</p>
<p>I love Harry Potter too, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t send this to Harvard. Aside from the topic, the essay seems a bit vague and general–I don’t feel it gives enough insight into either your thinking or your personality. </p>
<p>I have the same reservations about both this essay and the one you posted earlier about your Humanities course; both seem to lack the kinds of specifics that would bring you and your topic to life. For example, “Seeing the way characters react in various situations and seeing the values they display helps me to define my own values” is such a blanket statement that it doesn’t really tell us anything about your reading of the books or your values. (It may be that both essays are running into difficulties because the topics–even the five Harry Potter books–are extremely broad; in order to say something significant in 500 words, it’s often better to start with a very narrow, specific topic and explore it in depth.)</p>
<p>I haven’t read your main essay and don’t know your stats, but I honestly don’t feel that either of these additional essays will strengthen your application. If the essay is optional, it might be better to leave it out.</p>
<p>P.S. Since you asked readers to point out any errors, “endeared” in the last paragraph is not generally used as an adjective in this way. Also, you might want to rethink using the word “relate” twice in the last two paragraphs (to avoid repetition, and also because its meaning is vague). “Reading wasn’t really my ‘thing’” (particularly with the quotes around “thing”) seems unlikely to appeal to admissions officers, and I’d be wary of possible cliches like “I was hooked” and “books became my beloved companions.” And make sure you close the parentheses at the end of the essay (before the exclamation point).</p>
<p>Hey invictus, I’m hard core fantasy too! yay for us. Do you know if Harvard has a fantasy book club, or do we have to start one ourselves if we get in? ;-)</p>
<p>Thanks for your feedback. I wasn’t really hard put on sending this in to Harvard, I just wrote it today for kicks and wondered what it would be like. My main essay I spent a lot of time on and I had several people proofread it and give suggestions. It received good feedback, because it was a lot more personal and relating to me. I seriously wrote this one in the language lab today during 15 minutes of free time I had at the end of the period. But thanks for your comments :)</p>
<p>a good writer could make this into a good essay. the topic could be a good one, and it is risky.</p>
<p>i really have to say–you write like this is for the sat ii writing. it’s not, and even if it were, i doubt it would score very high. this style may be how you normally talk and write, but to a casual reader such as myself, it feels extremely forced and vague. furthermore, you have an awfully formulaic sentence parttern yet you manage to make the tone seem childish and overly colloquial. you have many contradictory ideas too–the second-to-last paragraph undermines the entire point of the essay. </p>
<p>look…like others in the humanities thread, i STRONGLY STRONGLY urge you to consult a good english teacher…the lack of sophistication that i think most harvard students have could seriously hurt your chances.</p>
<p>Thanks again for your comments. I understand that this sounds very colloquial right now. I probably won’t end up sending an additional essay. I wrote this EXTREMELY quickly, as I did my essay yesterday, because right now I’m just experimenting with some ideas that I might try seriously. If I were to choose this topic as an essay I would do some major revising and rewording before sending it in, and, of course, I would have a teacher look at it. I stress again that my main essay is nowhere near as bad as these are, I spent so much more time on it. To tell the truth, I was kinda scared that if I took a “sophisticated” approach it would sound like I was trying to make them think I was TRYING to sound sophisticated, and that they wouldn’t like that. Anyway, I probably won’t send in an additional essay, but if I do, I’ll majorly revise and put time into it.</p>
<p>Hey, now that I am getting negative feedback on my additional essays, I’m beginning to worry about my main essay a bit, even though I do feel it is a lot better than these. Would you mind taking a look at it? I really appreciate it (And I’m so sorry for all of these essays lately).</p>
<p>I have been a class officer for four years. Each year, our class has endeavored endlessly to win the homecoming float competition. Each year, we have been outshined by another classeach year but this year. This year we have finally gotten it right. This year all of our hard work has finally paid off. This year we have earned our right to achieve victory.
I remember the day that freshman elections were announced. I didnt know much about what class officers did, but I was interested from the very beginning; being a class officer would give me a chance to really have a say in what occurred in our school. When I came to learn that the officers were in charge of building the class float, I filled up with exhilaration and eagerness. My heart raced with anxiety on election day. I wanted to be elected more than I had wanted anything else in my life. When my name was announced as treasurer during my seventh period class, it was all I could do not to shout out in a surge of delight.<br>
A couple of weeks later, my career in float building began. I learned very soon that building a float required much time, energy, and effort. Once a week I met with those in our class who wanted to help with our float. The theme was cartoons and my class chose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When we finished, I couldnt have been more proud. Our float, with its bright paint and sparkling designs, looked brilliant! At the judging, however, the results hit me like a cup of icy water being thrown into my face: Our float was the worst of all the classes. An achievement that I had been so proud of just a few hours earlier became an embarrassment to me. All I could do to bring my spirits up was to think, Its okay. Theres always next year.
When the next year came, I decided to retackle the challenge of building the float, this time as class secretary. So we had screwed up the first time; this time would be different. What I didnt count on was that it would be different in a negative way. My sophomore year brought arguments, miscommunications, and drama. Because of this, our class didnt start working on the float until a week before homecoming. It is still astonishing to me that we were able to present a float at all. During the parade, I watched in agony as the goal post we had erected on the float came crashing down while the people on the float leaped for safety. I felt as if all of my hopes had fallen down with it. Our float again received last place.
Junior year. This year brought a new president into the mix, and I was now the vice president. Together, we were able to pull ourselves out of the chaos that was sophomore year. We went into the competition with a new attitude: We were there to have fun. What a difference this attitude made on the year! Building the float was one of the major highlights of the year. The theme was television shows and our float was on Gilligans Island. We still had not won first place, but that was the first year I left the float judging with a true pride in my class. We would keep that same attitude for the next year.<br>
When senior year came, I knew it was our final chance to attain the goal we had set so long agoto win! This time, there would be no mistakes. I was again vice president alongside the same president as the year before; we had experience on our side. We decided that we would start building the float right away and that we wouldnt stop until it was perfect. All of the knowledge in float building, teamwork, and organization we had acquired throughout our high school careers was put into this float. The theme was superheroes and my class chose to do Spiderman. For the first time in all four years, everyone who worked on the float was united. We knew that we were going to do the best we could do, and that no matter the outcome it would be a win for us. Presenting that float gave me a sense of fulfillment that I had never before felt in my life. We had overcome the challenges before us. We had learned from our mistakes. We had accomplished the goal we had our hearts set on for years, and I will never forget the elation that was felt from such a simple achievement. Finally, after so many years of hard work, we had won!</p>
<p>rewrite the essay. this could work. first of all, get rid of all the crap about intellectual/unintellectual books. this essay is going to show:</p>
<ol>
<li>the discovery of your passion for harry potter and books like it</li>
<li>what these books do for you</li>
</ol>
<p>you should write the essay mainly describing harry potter as the stepping stone you used to enter into the “world of reading.” tell us WHY the book was so captivating and fascinating to you. you need more fluidity and a richer vocabulary to really make the essay profound. like Justice~ said, go over the essay with your english teacher. expand on how the books “related” to you and how it was able to help you look “deeper inside of yourself.” expand on how you became “emotionally attached” to the book, and why fantasy books in general appeal to you. this should be the bulk of your essay.</p>
<p>thats my take on it. believe me, you made the right choice to scrap that other essay.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that. I really do appreciate your comments. I’m just kind of on and off the computer at the moment, so I was kind of rushed. Thank you very much for your response. :)</p>
<p>another harry potter fan here…i don’t know if you’re keeping this essay or not…but since i have read it…i’ll tell you what i think…if you really want to keep it…why not select a very specific thing that happens to harry and try to parallel that with something that has happ. to you…i wouldn’t say just use a challenge and overcoming it but something perhaps more obscure and unconventional…i’m sure if you looked you’d find plenty of stuff…
personally i don’t know much about what kind of essays harvard likes…but i would say one thing that…at my school…all the spirit week stuff that we do…banners/posters etc…the teachers usually judge the seniors to be the winners in every event…it’s almost like a tradition…i’m not sure if winning the float comes out as being something that was truly the result of your effort…i’m not saying it wasn’t…i’m just saying that it might not be looked at that way…maybe you should be a bit more specific as to what you changed senior year that brought you the prize…instead of generalizing like experience was on your side…what experience???..try to think about specific questions like that…hope that helps!</p>
<p>Thanks for your comments. I would write more about senior year, but I don’t really have much space and I don’t feel it is really necessary. Being a class officer and working on the floats each year has been a really important part of my high school career. I feel it is the best topic for my long essay, so that is probably not going to change. Also, at our school, even though seniors do get a little bit of an edge, I have seen the sophomores win before, and the underclassmen win in a lot of other competitions. Our senior year float was such a personally satisfying achievement to me, since I am the only class officer to have been a class officer all four years of high school at my school. It meant a lot to me. Anyway, thank you again for your comments. I am open to any suggestions and I really appreciate them.</p>
<p>flipchick1127…don’t get me wrong here, but at places like harvard where there are a few thousand class presidents/student body presidents…how many essays about leadership do the adcoms have to read??? I congratulate you on your achievement, but your main essay is fairly dry…</p>