I’m not a Harvard grad, but go with my husband every five years.I’ve gotten to know classmates and spouses like me over the years, but I still hate that question: “and what do you do?” I haven’t worked outside the home for 20 years and that suited me fine. But so many of those women are refurbishing their barns while just returning from Nepal to finish their Ph.Ds if you know what I mean! Last time I said that I had 2 teenagers at home so was a zookeper which broke the ice a bit! My life is basically about"taking care of business" which is my choice but I can’t say that. Anyone know what I mean?
I can relate. My answer is something along the lines of “I’m kind of like an air traffic controller. I’m a stay at home wife and Mom.” That generally brings smiles all around.
That’s a good one!
You know, it doesn’t seem like this should be an uncomfortable question to answer, but I understand how it could be, in this situation. I never ask a woman, “What do you do?” I want everyone to feel comfortable with me. I either let them bring it up, hint around a bit, or ask, “Do you work outside the home?” And if they say they don’t, I tell them how lucky I think they are, to be able to do that.
I don’t have a good answer for you, But I think you don’t want to feel defensive, and you don’t want to make others feel guilty about their choices. If you are comfortable and happy with your choices, that should come through. Perhaps you can answer the question, and then immediately direct a question to them. Followed with a, “Wow, that’s amazing”, when they tell you about their exploits. Most people are able to easily focus on themselves, particularly if you sound appropriately impressed. Sigh… Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
I have a job outside the home (which has, unfortunately, become less rewarding over time, while the house has become more disgusting…). Four great teenagers, 2 in college, 2 in two years (no national awards or cancer cures here, but active and top students). Still, I too find myself often seeing other women’s activities/accomplishments as somehow more impressive…(a CLEAN house?!!). Everyone’s opportunities (sometimes that’s $$-related, but other things as well) and mindset (based on your values and experience) is different. There is no ONE way, and certainly no BEST way to be. We all have something to be proud of, and with any luck have people close to us that validate our choices every day.
I wish reunions would have a “no work talk” pledge because that stuff is a) boring and b) brings out feelings of inadequacy in some and c) aggressive feelings in others. At our 25th - years ago now - we had a panel on “alternative careers” that included a fireman and a friend who became a terrorism analyst. That at least shifted some of the discussion toward personal fulfillment and away from $$$, though I was amused that deciding to become a fireman is such an “alternative” choice that it needs to be presented to an Ivy crowd. (Or that shifting careers to work for the FBI is so odd.)
But on reflection I think the real issue is that we know we get sucked into talking about these things in ways we really would rather not: we don’t want to be that version of ourselves but the context forces that on us and next thing we know we’re blathering. There’s an Elliott Smith - which is about drinking but still - with the linesl: “People you’ve been before/That you don’t want around anymore/That push and shove and won’t bend to your will/I’ll keep them still”. Reunions tend to bring those people back to the front of your personality. Which may be why reunions involve so much alcohol.
People are just trying to make conversation. Why can’t you just say, proudly, “I’m a stay at home mom.” The next question will likely be about your kids, whom you probably enjoy talking about (most of us do).
And instead of feeling inadequate around and competitive with those who are doing more unusual things, why not see it as a chance to learn about something you know nothing about? If, instead of focusing on yourself, you focused on asking questions about things that you really are curious about with respect to others’ exploits, you might find that you end up having a great time!
People aren’t doing, say, archaeological digs in China to put you down – it is what they do and is potentially a source of really interesting conversation!
“But so many of those women are refurbishing their barns while just returning from Nepal to finish their Ph.Ds if you know what I mean!”
– No advice, OP, but I do know what you mean, and this line made me smile.
But you probably have hobbies and interests, right? Maybe you could say I am a stay at home mom (say it proudly and/or without angst as others suggested) and then add that you are passionate about XYZ or you write screenplays or not only am I a busy mom but I also volunteer at the church yada yada.
When Obma was running for president, I noticed some of my fellow stay-at-home parents added “community organizer” to their resume. One could say microcommunity organizer not to exaggerate.
“One could say microcommunity organizer not to exaggerate”
Oh, that’s good!
The problem with the snappy one-liners is they don’t really promote conversation. You’d be better off thinking of a few interesting anecdotes about what your family’s been up to that could lead to additional conversation.
If someone said they were a community organizer, the next logical question is, " what do you organize?" You could then say “my household” but that is confusing and derails the conversation.
For some, it is just social conversation, but especially among women there is a large stigma about women who chose to be SAHM and who may not at the current time be working outside the home, and from what I know of, especially among women who went to elite colleges and such it is especially so. The whole Melissa Meyer/Cheryl Sandburg mantra of opting in/you can have it all/etc is the new gospel in a lot of quarters, and it can make those who choose differently feel awkward.Even among men the whole “what do you do” is not necessarily an icebreaker, there are a lot of jerks who use that to primp up their egos if, for example, they are a professional and someone is blue collar or doing something they consider "lower status’ or whatnot, which is pathetic, but it goes on quite a bit.
One friend of mine, a woman, who homeschooled 4 kids into the Ivy league, is a fantastic artist and writer, but otherwise was/is a SAHM, said “What do I do? I have great sex, a lot, how about you?” (with the implication that with their long days and spouses often travelling, not a lot)
Each person is an individual.
If you aren’t happy with being a SAHM, that’s one issue. You can look into what you might want to do when your teenagers fly the coop.
But it is not an issue as to how to deal with the “what do you do?” question. Either you tell the truth and say that you stay at home and take care of the kids and the house, or you smile and say “the same old thing”. Your opinion of yourself and your husband’s opinion of you should not change based on a Harvard grad or a Harvard grad’s spouse having not enough tact to say “wow, that’s great you can stay at home with the kids!”.
“What do I do? I have great sex, a lot, how about you?” (with the implication that with their long days and spouses often travelling, not a lot)"
– but isn’t that judgmental in its own way too? And I doubt it promotes the conversation much, either.
I hate the Mommy Wars, in all their guises and permutations.
No advice, dke, just empathy.
When I stayed at home it was a choice, not by luck. We eliminated many ‘extras’ to be able to afford the choice
@ katliamom:
She used that with people she knew were asking because they wanted to lord over the fact that she was a stay at home mom, and basically gave it back to them. The mommy wars are very real, and what my friend was doing was doing the same thing they were, pointing out how superior being a SAHM was (she didn’t use that on everyone, only on people she knew were big on the status job, status house, status clothing, etc). Funny part is my friend has advanced degrees in art history and a science (I think she has a master’s in organic chemistry), and is one of those people who can talk about anything, is interested in anything. There is a difference between being proud of accomplishments, like getting a degree from an elite school or having a career, and another where you make that the basis of judging someone else’s choices, one is self pride, the other is snobbery.
Musicprnt – It sounds like your friend is introducing hostility into the conversation. No wonder she is getting a hostile response.
I completely disagree with your assessment of the attitudes and views of professional women, even those at the highest level of professional achievement.
There are a FEW men and women out there – especially men – who view every social interaction as a networking opportunity and when they find out you are not a potentially source of new business, they move on to the next prospect. But who wants to chat with those folks at a cocktail party anyway?
I reiterate that the most sure-fire way to get a hostile reaction in a chit-chat situation is to assume hostile intent from the others in the room.
I’d love to chat with the Nepal-traveling PhD candidate who is refurbishing her barn. She sounds fascinating. It’s the hedge-fund managers who are working on complicated derivatives that no one can understand or the government contractors working on top secret projects that they are not allowed to talk about that are hard to draw out in conversation. The fall back question i ask with those folks: do you have any kids? Everyone likes to talk about their kids!
Such interesting takes on this from my fellow CCers! I’ll probably say that I’m a recent empty nester, and starting to do the things that we couldn’t do as easily before, like little trips together,etc. I have said I was a SAHM in the past and get the old,“that’s the hardest job in the world!” which sounds super patronising to me.