I was the major bread winner when I was married. My ex used to buy me very expensive gifts without consulting me. He then accused me of not being grateful when I said it was too expensive. It was one of many issues we had.
I posted earlier that my husband suggested getting me a new mountain bike (to replace the trash picked one I had in the garage).
I only rode 2x last year and 3x the year before so said I didn’t think I necessarily wanted an expensive Trex bike (at a cost of over $1,000). (Side note- he has a $3k e-bike he has ridden abt 6x in 4 years).
And to be fair we said we wouldn’t really exchange gifts this year (family ski trip would be our gift).
But instead of unwanted mountain bike he gave me nothing at all. I guess I can’t complain given the ‘no gifts’ convo. Which I broke it by giving him a thoughtful small gift re: his favorite hobby.
Next time I won’t say ‘no gifts’ but instead say 'only small thoughtful gifts under $25. lol
This has been an interesting thread from the perspective of someone who (1) doesn’t celebrate Christmas and (2) has almost never gotten gifts from husband other than flowers and candy, or from son at all.
My understanding is that Christmas is about the joy of giving, not the joy of getting. The concept of buying something for oneself then attributing it to someone else for (for lack of a better word) optics, is confusing. There seems to be a lot of money wasted causing resentment and disappointment that someone else doesn’t listen/understand and either makes thoughtless or careless gestures.
No wonder there’s so much stress expressed about choosing gifts! Clearly some families joyously participate without expectations of success or failure. I understand the unavoidable pressure of gifting children, but the adult to adult dynamic is complex.
I buy for myself not for “optics” but because I enjoy giving myself the gift at the holidays. Usually, it is something I would buy myself anyway, and just because it it December, I wrap it up as a gift. It is only my husband, myself, and my daughter celebrating together. We do all sorts of crazy gifting also . My husband wrapped up a box of my favorite cereal this year and gave it to me as a gift. We have fun in the gift buying, wrapping, and opening. We are very low pressure and no stress. for the holidays.
My suggestion that she buy her own white house ornament, was really a way to lower her stress. No need to worry about missing the ornament this year, did my husband remember, etc.
What is Christmas about? What an excellent question! But rather than veering off into a long-winded discussion about that, I’ll focus more on the giving/getting phenomenon.
O. Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi” is an idealized look on the joy of giving. Each person in the couple was thinking of the giftee and what would bring that individual joy.
For people who have felt unhappy with a partner/family member’s gift, it’s often because “the joy of giving” is generally imbued with a process of being thoughtful toward others. And when one receives a gift that took very little effort or thoughtfulness (or no gift), then it feels as the idea of giving to you brought your loved ones no joy. Selfishly, that can really sting if you are putting effort/time/thoughtfulness out there for others, and nobody does the same for you.
Oh sure, I meant just the gift aspect of Christmas. Obviously there are much more important aspects!
In Gift of the Magi, they each sacrificed for love, but technically the gifts were useless .
Setting expectations for someone else that you know they won’t fulfill - I gave up on that years ago. Much more peaceful.
My H & I both enjoy unwrapping presents on Christmas morning, but we rarely want anything. So we buy each other things we need for around the house (coffee, spices, foil, new spatula, favorite cookies, that sort of thing). Then we wrap them & put a riddle on the gift tag that gives a clue as to what’s inside. Often it’s obvious what’s wrapped up, so we make the riddle as witty as possible. We find joy in giving this way, and we experience the childhood joy of unwrapping … without undue stress about what to buy & how much to spend.
There can be joy on both sides. The joy of getting can be feeling remembered and appreciated. And I like presents.
I used to buy myself gifts from Santa as my kids liked seeing me open gifts on Christmas too. This year I got a few gifts for myself as I had a $600 health and wellness credit from my insurance company so got a walking pad (treadmill) and some weights. I also got a new coat because it was on sale and some other things. Often the stuff I need is on sale near Christmas so I buy it.
I want to go back to what @Starski said. I don’t want to invalidate what she said, because hurt feelings are hurt feelings. Sometimes you just can’t wish them away.
The last time my children were at my house for the holidays was 2019. Rationally I know they aren’t coming here. I KNOW that! They are both married with their own traditions now.
But it doesn’t matter, because every single stinking year, I’m sad. Really sad, and really disappointed. I wish I could change myself, mostly I wish that I could skip from November to January. It doesn’t make sense but I can’t seem to make those feeling go away. No matter how much I can try and think it.
IMO, you are not wrong! The gift giving/getting is an American tradition gone wild due to the ability and resources to do so. Give, give, give…get, get, get.
I am in favor of even small steps to take all this- including the stress!
@kelsmom we often label our gifts with a riddle of sorts too. We change the “from”
Name on tags to someone who has something to do with the gift. For instance, some
Years ago a Green Bay Packers sweatshirt would be “from” Brett Favre.
Love that labeling tradition! Fun!
@deb922 - completely agree. For us, I was disappointed that our parents never visited on Christmas (my parents actually did one time). Then we had to hear all of the stories about how “cute it was to spend Christmas morning watching the (other) grandchildren open gifts”. I knew it wasn’t going to happen (not because they couldn’t travel, they chose not to), but it mad me sad anyway. I was mostly sad for my kids.
we do a similar thing - instead of a riddle it is the from that is the clue to the contents - so a pair of socks might be tagged as from tootsie!
My husband would tell you I guess EVERYTHING he gets me. Sometimes he goes out of his way to try and trick me :).
Of course I don’t know everything, but I am pretty good at guessing, even if it’s not something I asked for.
I like having gifts (often have forgotten what was purchased by the time Christmas comes along). It makes the kids and H happy that we all have gifts, surprise or not.
This is me! I wrap everything so early, but the time Xmas rolls around I’ve forgotten what it was! And I also buy myself stuff for me for under the tree. I never buy clothes for myself except around Xmas and my birthday, so it feels like a treat.
The funniest one this year was that I got younger S/GFs new Anker portable chargers for their new phones. I also got myself a new one. I wanted a second, but I kept putting it off… or so I thought. When the kids unwrapped their presents, I had wrapped two for younger S. One was pink. I said “huh. I must have actually ordered that second one after all” and took his present back for myself!
The year our kids were old enough to realize, and be sad, that mommy didn’t have any presents under the tree, I decided to buy and wrap my own from then on. I dealt with that year by saying maybe my present wasn’t ready yet and I’d get it on Epiphany, which I did (after a quick trip to the mall a few days later.) They were adults when they learned I’d been buying my own presents for years.
My H is terrible at selecting and buying any gifts, if he even remembers my birthday or our anniversary. Some years, after a coworker asked what he’d bought for me, he’d stop at Publix on the way home and buy a little bouquet and a small bag of Lindt truffles. One year he just put some cash in a recycled anniversary card. I told him not to bother after that. Fortunately for him, H has some good traits.
Epiphany gifts are the best because there are lots of good sales that happen after Christmas!
My husband made me a fabulous Blurb (like shutterfly) photo album of our London trip. He mentioned to friends tonight because of the email monitoring I do on our credit card he went to trouble to set up another credit card to hide the suprise. Very sweet. What he didn’t know was that I was actually a bit annoyed he took all those photos and didn’t make an album this time. Didn’t bug him because I really wanted him focused on photos and edit help for our Christmas letter. Might have liked knowing he had ordered it.