<p>I attended a wedding that I knew was a big mistake. My second wedding. It was to the same guy I married the first time, and had already divorced once. </p>
<p>Young and in-love are two variables you can never gauge. Marriages that I thought would never work out have lasted over 25 years, and marriages I thought would last forever ended quickly.</p>
<p>Are you saying, Fang, that the one woman I am referring to is your mother? I have commented only on one bride. I have even said my comments do not apply to other brides. I have only spoken of one particular couple, that both chose to wear white.
I do not establish rules for all potential brides OR grooms when they choose to pick their outfits.
I am saying this one, particular, bride and groom that both chose white seemed odd, given what I know about them.
Is this really about my opinion on this one couple’s choice of attire, or are some trying to get me to give “juicy tidbits” in order to justify to them my knowledge about this particular couple? I will not give further private details.</p>
<p>I just don’t know how I can be more clear- my post 3 was my opinion on one particular couple, no more, no less.</p>
<p>From what I can gather, this information would likely make the other party call off the wedding. In such a case, if the information is both true and fact-based (for example, the other party is a drug addict or a registered sex offender), I believe it is your duty to inform the innocent party. If the innocent party already knows, then you won’t be causing any harm. If the innocent party doesn’t know, then you are doing a good deed. Yes, the IP may be angry at you, but at least will be making an informed decision.</p>
<p>How would you feel if the IP found out after the wedding, and wanted a divorce or an annulment due to fraud?</p>
<p>If, of course, it’s simply that the couple is mismatched, then hold your peace, smile and enjoy the event.</p>
<p>As for wearing white for a wedding - it has nothing to do with virginity. Queen Victoria started the tradition as a way to boost the British lace industry. She wore white because it was seen as opulent - white dresses were rare as they were so difficult to clean. She also started the tradition of the gown itself - a gown to be worn only once - for the same reason.</p>
<p>What the couple did or did not do in bed, with each other or someone else, has nothing to do with the color being worn.</p>
<p>“it seems tough to KNOW which ones will last in any case”</p>
<p>True. But in the cases I’m talking about, my concern wasn’t based on whether I thought they would last. It was based on my belief that the marriage was going to generate a lot of pain. I HOPED that they would not last; in some cases, the marriage and the predicted pain are still going. I’d be much more supportive of a wedding where I thought they’d have 5 happy years and go their separate ways than one where I thought she’d tolerate his beatings until he died.</p>
<p>Sometimes I hear, “We’ve been together 30 years, so we proved all the doubters wrong!” No, you didn’t. Everything we feared came true. Spending 30 years in a mud pit doesn’t mean that it was a bowl of chocolate pudding.</p>
<p>I forgot to post my thoughts on the gift. My Mother, who may or may not be judgmental (said with much affection), will make a donation to charity in a person or couple’s name if she feels compelled or socially obligated to give a gift but is uncomfortable in doing so. No one would begrudge a gift given to a charity, and you can have some peace about how your monetary gift would be used. If the couple are environmental, give to a local environmental group; if they love animals, you can make a donation to the local shelter in honor of their wedding.</p>
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<p>LOL! love this…</p>
<p>Back to the topic at hand, I think Chedva’s post #23 is worth noting, momma-three. I can’t tell if you simply have bad vibes about this couple (which should be kept to yourself) or if you are saying there is some significant information that one of the partners doesn’t know about the other and many others know this information and feel certain it would be a deal breaker for the other party if he/she knew it. It seems like that person should be informed if everyone is certain the person doesn’t know and would want to know and it would be a deal breaker for that person (and not that it “should” be due to what others may think). Can’t tell just what you mean about this “information.” (what level of significance? one party had an affair? one party is an addict? one party has been imprisoned? one party has a terminal illness? one party is in trouble with the law?)</p>
<p>I agree with Chedva, but just in the case where if the innocent party knew the information, they would call off the wedding and should call off the wedding-- for example, if the bride already had a husband or wife. But I don’t think you should tell if you think the information ought to make the IP call off the wedding, but you don’t think it would-- for example, if you knew that the bride had been a prostitute and you didn’t think learning that would make the groom call off the wedding then you shouldn’t say anything. </p>
<p>And surely you should remain silent if you knew some information that would make one party call off the wedding, but you didn’t think the person would be justified in calling off the wedding. Then you would have no business revealing the information. For example, suppose you knew that the bride had been a rape victim, and that the groom would find that so horrible that he would refuse to go through with the wedding if he found out. You should just shut up.</p>
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I disagree here. Would you prefer that the truth come out after the marriage, and the groom flips out? That would cause more pain. (The truth often has a funny way of appearing when you least expect it. The only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead.) In this case, though, the person who needs to know of the possible reaction is the bride.</p>
<p>The situations I have seen where it would have been a good thing if someone had said something pre-marriage all involved one spouse whose sexual identity and orientation were, um, dynamic, and the other spouse did not know that until after the wedding. Unfortunately, in most of the cases there was no third party who was aware of the situation, knew the ignorant fiance/e, and was not bound by patient-therapist privilege. So there was no one to agonize over what to do. And if there HAD been someone, he or she might very well have been met with an icy stare and permanent excommunication, if the ignorant fiance/e turned out not to be as ignorant as people thought. (Which, in one similar case I know about, was true, although she didn’t know quite as much as she thought she did.)</p>
<p>If what you mean by a sham is that the woman is pregnant by some other guy, I would advise shutting up. Plenty of good marriages begin that way, and chances are that the groom knows everything.</p>
<p>I agree with both Hanna and Chedva. Success isn’t measured by longevity alone. (Full disclosure: My grandparents on one side spent forty really unhappy years together.) That said, it’s important to be careful what “advice” is offered two adults who have made their commitment to each other public. You don’t have to attend the Wedding, surely you can come up with a reasonable excuse. As for the gift, would you rather the focus be on the bad marriage … or the really cheap “friend?”</p>
<p>re: Post #30. I had a casual friend from church who appeared to have a model marriage. H & W seemed happy, and they worked to together at church functions. They raised a really nice daughter. After the D graduated from college, there was a quiet divorce and the H moved in with a male friend. I’m still conflicted about how I should feel about this, and whether or not I’d have said something earlier if I’d known.</p>
<p>If I knew, in confidence, that a woman had been a victim of a rape I would have no business revealing that information to anyone. I can’t support betraying a confidence like that, and betraying the confidence to break an engagement would be particularly egregious.</p>
<p>My brother married my SIL 32 years ago and we all knew it was a mistake. They weren’t serious enough to get married and didn’t intend to, but my mother took her forces to the top of a hill and fought to the death up there, demanding that they get married because the bride had small children and my brother was kinda/sorta/sometimes sleeping over. It would have run its course quickly if not for my mother’s intervention, but marry they did and have been torturing each other ever since. One of the worst marriages I’ve ever witnessed.</p>
<p>My dearest friend throughout high school and most of college married a guy whom I found (I am having a hard time coming up with a word) repugnant on multiple levels. Unlike her other friends, I chose not to attend the wedding nor send a gift. She was married to him for 15 years until he found someone he liked better. He did manage to destroy our friendship in the process. Losing that friendship was one of very few regrets and biggest heartbreaks I have had in my life. It was not all that fun to be right.</p>
<p>The OP has been admirably discreet, so we’ve all been left to our own devices to imagine the kinds of character flaws, youthful indiscretions, felonies or soap-opera-level shockers we would feel obliged to share with someone who, in our estimation, is about to enter into an ill-advised union. I think one’s closeness to the bride or groom in question is a factor, as it gets at the likelihood that he or she will consider you to have any standing, as well as the likelihood that he or she will consider your opinion worthy or your information trustworthy. I would never share any information about someone that is sensitive (such as whether he or she had been raped; that’s the kind of thing that one hopes would come out during the “discovery” phase of a courtship, just like other salient facts about each party’s past). If I knew someone was a CONVICTED sex offender, sure, I’d bite the bullet and spill the beans on that one. If I thought someone’s fiance/e was kind of a jerk, I’d keep (and have kept) that opinion to myself, unless specifically asked my opinion.</p>
<p>My brother married a woman, who had lied about all kinds of things. I didn’t find this out until during the actual wedding reception. “Oh, you’re Cousin Jane. You went with “T” to Texas, to work with Bela Karolyi.” I was met with a blank stare. </p>
<p>“Nice to meet you, roommates. I can’t believe “T” gets up every morning to teach aerobics before she goes to class.” “Oh, she doesn’t teach aerobics. She goes to class with wet hair everyday, because she gets up so late.”</p>
<p>I didn’t dare ask anyone why “T” chose St. Cloud State over Harvard. </p>
<p>In this case, I hold my brother entirely responsible. How could he possibly have believed some of these claims? Within five years, “T” had gotten them so far into debt, that my brother went to his in-laws and asked if they could speak to the grandparents, the ones that owned the biggest car dealership in Minneapolis. “We’re not related to them! Why would you think that?” was their response. In the end, it was “T”'s lying about finances that caused the divorce. It’s amazing how many credit cards one can open, without the knowledge of a spouse.</p>
<p>My close friend’s daughter called off her wedding an hour before the ceremony. One of the groomsmen knew that the marriage was a mistake and had the fortitude to inform the bride’s father information he knew the groom had kept secret from her family. Under counsel from her family and the minister, the bride decided to delay the wedding and ultimately it never took place. Family and friends of the bride stayed to enjoy the “reception.”</p>
<p>BFF married first husband in a charming, small wedding in her aunt’s backyard. I never liked that boyfriend, but kept my mouth shut about it because she adored him. Years later when she finally did divorce him, all of her friends applauded. Once she asked why we didn’t say anything about never liking him, and our unanimous reply was that we’d wanted to trust her judgement. Her second husband is wonderful, and we girlfriends have learned to ask “Excuse me, but what rock did you find him under?” when we doubt each other’s judgement.</p>
<p>Is this a religious ceremony? If so, would you feel comfortable calling the celebrant and sharing the info with him/her? Leave it up to his/her judgment as to what to do with the information and ask for confidentiality re the source.</p>