<p>I saw this thread and I wanted to read it. I am currently in that situation. I dont think the marriage will fail as they have been living with each other for a while. But the thinks I know about this kid and his character make me cringe. My H and I will go to the wedding and grin and bear it as he is the kid of friends of ours. The hard part is the friend goes on and on about the wedding, her rich parents as if it makes it ok because he is marrying “up” We think he is a user. In a previous relationship the brother of the girl found out and together with her father put the cabosh on it. This girl is an only child and her parents are out of state. If one of my d’s marry someone like him I would be heartbroken. Character and integrity are supreme with us. We all know kids who get into shenanigans and you know its youthful stupidity. but this kid is truely a loser. I dont want to attend the wedding, so hearing about it all the time is hard and therefore I dont want to get together with the parents. I ama very honest person so pretending is hard on me but for the sake of the friendship I do. I am suprised they cant tell as I am one of those people who you can read my feelings pretty easily. anyway, any suggestions for a different way to look at it? My friend and her H come from less rich backgrounds and I think they have a chip on their shoulder about it. We are the type that people often underestimate what we have as we dont really show it. so all this talking about things people own, or have drives me nuts. In many ways this couple are so good and so I am in a quandry as I leave an interaction with them never wanting to go back. I want to understand why they are behaving this way? Is it wanting us to think/know their kid is doing well after not? or to impress with things? Neither of my kids are in the position of being married but it would be my assumption that if they married rich people, that it doesnt give me an “in” sorry so long winded but this is troubling me…</p>
<p>The problem that exists has nothing to do with a rape. I would never feel like that was anyones business other than a bride to discuss with her future husband. It is not about past boyfriends/girlfriends or a criminal history. It is about serious character flaws that anyone would feel should be disclosed. I guess we will attend the wedding and it will be up to the parents to try and make the soon to be come clean.</p>
<p>I dunno, but that is kinda different. Character flaws, while they can be negative, are not quite the same as some factual information (ie., has children he/she has not revealed, is addicted to heroin, has an arrest record, has been married several times, has a huge amount of hidden debt, etc.). I think if it is just about character flaws, others should remain mum. Each partner is an adult and should feel out the character of the person they are marrying. This is not the same as some secret factual significant information.</p>
<p>Character flaws have a way of turning up sooner than later. Generally, they are revealed during courtship at various points–sometimes the beloved turns a blind eye because they prefer the rose-colored spectacles. SOMETIMES, the flawed person DOES change and become a good spouse & a happy, healthy marriage ensues.</p>
<p>Two of my friends have had their S’s marry women that they thought were AWFUL for their S’s. Fortunately for everyone, the women changed during the marriages & everyone is pretty happy now. The friends are glad they trusted their S’s judgment and that the relationships have improved. The friends bit their tongues and bided their time–all to the good in these cases.</p>
<p>Hope other relationships have the same good fortune my friends’ kids’ marriages have had. ;)</p>
<p>My younger brother married a women we all had some doubts about. Many of the things that annoyed me back then still annoy me now. She’s got some other faults I didn’t know about then, BUT and it’s a big but, she is the most wonderful caring person I know. She’s the only person in my family who ever seems to know what’s really going on with my very reserved mother. When my Dad passed away, she was a rock.</p>
<p>FWIW, my SIL had a lot of doubts about me when we got married. 26 years later, she & I get along pretty well & she is very fond of S & D. My folks had their doubts as well, but are pleased to see that H & I are so happy. </p>
<p>On the other hand, we all know of folks for whom things didn’t work out so well, even if they were “the perfect couple,” or especially if the match was far from perfect to many viewing the couple.</p>
<p>You should watch “About Schmidt” staring Jack Nicholson :)</p>
<p>Been there, done that, lost a friend. I flew in from another country to attend my “best” friend’s wedding (I was matron of honor). The entire thing was a mistake. She chose someone who adored her but until I moved away, she hated (we both disliked him intensely–horrible personality, not a nice person). She had a very difficult home situation and I was her only good friend. Evidently she allowed him into her life to have someone who “loved” her. Some of the problems were she was very religious LOVED a certain color–her signature color which was obvous because everything was in that color (almost). Well, she converted for him and quit wearing her color because he didn’t like it (do you feel the controlling vibe here–seriously).</p>
<p>So I tried to talk to her about these issues and it ended our friendship. I couldn’t let her get married without pointing out these issues as her friend, and she didn’t want to hear it. </p>
<p>Well, they got married but I’m sure they aren’t married anymore. It ruined our friendship, but I don’t think the friendship would have survived with me faking my support of the relationship. Luckily I lived a country away and then across country from them, so it wasn’t ackward after the marriage–we just went our separate ways.</p>
<p>Down to Earth- when you say user, can you clarify, drug user or just user as it taking advantage of?</p>
<p>Given the context, that it followed - her parents are rich he’s marrying up, I think user means after her money, or if the genders were reversed it might be called golddigger.</p>
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<p>That’s exactly what I think happened in my brother’s case and may be happening here.</p>
<p>Twenty some years ago, they still did that speak now or forever hold your peace(sp?), and I really did not think that I could sit through that and keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>I think you should stay out of it, assuming the character flaw wouldn’t translate into physical harm. Two stories:</p>
<p>One of my best friends was to be in the wedding of a mutual friend. They were very close; I wasn’t that close with the bride. My friend disclosed to me that the bride was having doubts. My friend had never been married (still hasn’t) and never been in a relationship, and I thought she was just naive about having cold feet. I told her not to say anything. She didn’t. That couple is still together 15 years later, seemingly happily with two kids. My friend often is so quick to defend and want the best for her friends that she throws the guy under the bus. I once confided in her a serious issue that dh and I were having, and she railed on him. I get that she was trying to have my back, but to this day (and it’s been almost 15 years) I am hesitant to discuss anything about my marriage with her because I remember how she turned on my dh. I don’t think she even is aware of how troubling that was, to hear her greatly criticize my dh, especially when that’s my job. ;)</p>
<p>I’ve written before about how my BIL and SIL took their engaged dd aside to tell her they wouldn’t pay for the wedding unless she and fiance went to marriage counseling first. They were hoping that she’d learn things about him that changed her mind. Didn’t work. Also married, for about five year with two kids. In this case, I kind of wish they’d succeeded in breaking them up. The guy is a jerk, but he’s gaining maturity.</p>
<p>My husband has a “semi-adopted” son; the young man is career military and lists us as next-of-kin. We were unable to attend wedding #1, went to #2, missed 3 and 4. We are not sure if he is on marriage 4 or 5. At one point, I think between 1 and 2 or maybe 3 and 4, he was engaged to another lovely young woman. The fianc</p>
<p>Yes, but the bride was pregnant so what was there to say?</p>
<p>Then, after three children, to everyone’s amazement, they went into counseling for a year and completely changed their relationship. Now I’d be surprised if they divorced.</p>
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<p>He must be a heck of an officer if that many marriages hasn’t slowed down his career.</p>
<p>Quote:
This young man is a good military officer and has risen high in the ranks but cannot manage a relationship with a woman.
He must be a heck of an officer if that many marriages hasn’t slowed down his career.</p>
<p>I have wondered about that also. He is a LtCol in the Marine Corps. At that level, I think the many marriages would hurt him. He and my husband don’t discuss relationships, just military politics.</p>
<p>Marine Corps is probably harder on marriages than the other services, so it may not be too unusual. LTC is a typical rank for an officer with 20 years of service.</p>
<p>cbreeze- can you tell us what happened to the relationship between the groom and his groomsman? Was the secret really bad?</p>
<p>Maybe they don’t know? ^^^</p>
<p>tom, the information was that the “groom” was still using drugs and lied about it.</p>