<p>If I knew two people who were getting married and I had information that one of them didn’t have that information would have to be huge before I would divulge it. Drug use, a secret sex life, a secret kid, undisclosed debt come to mind. I would divulge the information only if I believed doing so could avoid significant heart break and I would speak up well before the scheduled ceremony.</p>
<p>cbreeze- I think that was something the future bride deserved to know. The groomsman did the right thing there. I wonder if they are still friends.</p>
<p>I think that 99% of the people at my brother’s first wedding knew it would never last. Not because of some dark secret, but because both the bride and groom rushed into it… and they were just not that compatible. No one would have said anything about this… however- it was too vague a concept really.
The ‘best man’ iced it by giving a toast (he was stoned at the time) in which he wished the happy couple “all the joys of a life together in hell.” The counterbalance was our 90+ year old grandmother reminding the happy couple to ‘not forget the foreplay’- which featured prominently in their wedding video. </p>
<p>How could things not be fabulous?</p>
<p>H is clergy; several years ago a young couple came to him to discuss getting married. After meeting with them, H had serious reservations about their readiness for marriage. He had never done this before and hasn’t since, but he told them he wouldn’t perform their wedding due to his concerns. He expected them to get married anyway (they needed him in order to be married in a particular church building, but could obviously get married elsewhere by someone else).</p>
<p>He was actually shocked when they listened to him and decided to not get married!</p>
<p>I will be the dissenting voice here. When I attend wedding I consider that I am offering my ongoing support and blessing to the couple. I would not attend a wedding under the OP scenario. I wouldnt make a big deal but I would just offer my regrets and stay home.</p>
<p>the guy has a criminal past which “went away” and has been addicted to drugs dont know if he still is. he is disabled as a result of his criminal behavior. and other things. Truely we all go by the grace of God. No ones children are perfect but I just cant stand him and I dont feel that way about anyones elses kids. It hurts really. Oh yes he asked for money under false pretenses and we helped him out. His dad doesnt know. Anyway, I guess I can hope she knows and feels he has rehabilitated himself. I just dont buy it. So I feel like a hypocrite.</p>
<p>I was just invited to one that occurred a week ago. I didn’t go because it was too far away. He was a high school friend of mine. Got engaged after a few months and married about a year and a half after meeting. Everyone knows that they’re only getting married so that they can have sex (both devout Christians). I just personally don’t feel like that’s a good reason to get married your junior year of college. I wish them both the best and I really, really hope it works. But she looks so, so young in pictures (and we’re the same age!). And he is very, very immature (I don’t know her that well). </p>
<p>I am shocked at how quickly many of my friends are rushing in to marriage. I have a friend who is set to be married in May and they’ve been together for about a year. That’s fine- or so I thought. I was talking to her a few days ago and asking about her man (I haven’t met him- we go to different colleges). She didn’t know whether or not he wanted kids, where he wanted to live, whether he wanted to have pets, where they were going to live after getting married, and some other things. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like these are some things you should know before getting married!</p>
<p>Unless there was a criminal record or addiction that was unknown to the bride or groom: NOPE, absolutely not…keeping my mouth shut…with cement.</p>
<p>We have been to several weddings (one where the family rabbi refused to marry the kids and they went elsewhere) where we said, maybe not. But we said nothing. As for my own kids…might engage in open ended conversations PRIOR to engagement but after that…I’m keeping my mouth cemented shut. If the marriage works and the parents interfered the child in law will never forgive the offending people. And if the marriage doesn’t work I would want my kids (or friends) to be able to come to me and say thank you for your discretion and support.</p>
<p>…I remember a bride 33 years ago who was offered a fair amount of money NOT to marry her fiance. She was/is Jewish, not wealthy, and couldn’t help the mil to gain a toehold in “society”. </p>
<p>Thirty three years later, with a few “society” pictures in magazines or whatever (barf), and three kids and a successful marriage…you bet I’ve not forgiven nor did I forget.</p>
<p>(No…I didn’t take the money.)</p>
<p>Anyway I just dont know what she knows, so I guess talking about it here has helped me sort out my conflicted feelings.
ellebud, your MIL is in a class all by herslef. i am glad you have risen above that withyour wonderful life.</p>
<p>And we can’t forget my fil who was even more adverse to a Jewish girl. She didn’t act alone.</p>
<p>yes!</p>
<p>I had to go to a wedding for my ex-gf’s sister and husband… who were 20, pregnant, no jobs, and no college degrees (or making any progress toward one). I got attacked by a drunken lady and threatened by a drunken mob and I had to call the police.</p>
<p>I performed a wedding last year. I told the groom that we needed two witnesses. He looked baffled & asked why. I pointed to the marriage license where there were blanks for two witnesses to sign. I asked him what about his parents, friends, her friends, etc. to attend. He started pondering it and said he’d work on it. On the wedding day, he did appear with two witnesses–one of HIS friends and one of HERS. The day AFTER the wedding, his mother flagged me down and thanked me profusely for officiating at S’s wedding but lamented that he didn’t wait for her to attend, after so many decades of her waiting. Never did figure out why he didn’t wait for his dear mom; they’re remodeling mom’s home so they & their dogs can live with mom. Oh well, they all seem happy enough.</p>
<p>So glad I haven’t had to participate in some of these above joyous events. They sound pretty different from my experiences.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, we all have “character flaws;” none of us are perfect. And some of the things I might view as character flaws (stubbornness, temper, rigidity), someone else could see as character assets (persistence, passion, principled). And while I am old enough to know that it’s hard for people to change, I am also old enough to know that sometimes people do change. </p>
<p>OP, if you don’t feel enough charity towards this person to hope that he has changed and wish this couple a happy future together, politely decline the invitation and skip the wedding.</p>
<p>No…but if a friend’s now ended relationship with an ex-GF continued to the point of a wedding…this topic would have been quite applicable. </p>
<p>From the moment I met her and saw them interacting together…it was clear there were serious issues ranging from her demands to eat out 5+ days a week at places like the Cheesecake Factory when he wasn’t in a financial position to do that as a graduating college senior who wasn’t yet employed at the tech firm which extended their employment offer, being quite bossy/DIVAish, extremely immature for 20, always broke because she’s a spendthrift, unreliability/flakiness when it comes to keeping schedules with friends like myself or worse…family, capriciously changing her mind about stuff without consideration for how that’d throw everyone else involved off kilter in a family/friend outing situations, etc. </p>
<p>What’s sad was that he was effectively led around like a puppydog and everyone else noticed it and told him and yet…he continued the relationship.* That is…until SHE broke up with him some months later to get together with hometown high school dropout drug addict ne’er do well. He was so crushed and we all tried consoling him as best as we could. Fast forward a few years and a move to the opposite coast for a new job at one of the topflight computer technology firms and he meets a nice woman who may have been younger…but was far more mature and the polar opposite of the ex in the negative areas. </p>
<p>After the wedding this past summer…his parents noted that they were aware of the ex’ negative influence on their son and are glad she’s out of his life and won’t ever be a part of their’s. </p>
<ul>
<li>I didn’t know what he saw in her. She doesn’t fit conventional standards of beauty and there’s a substantial intellectual gap between them. We’d often had to dumb down our conversation topics and vocabulary so she doesn’t feel the conversation’s over her head…and they’re pedestrian topics to anyone with a modicum of common sense…no college education necessary.</li>
</ul>
<p>Yes. Many years ago my closest friend was in an abusive relationship and told me she was leaving him and moving from London back to Scotland to get away from him. A few days later a mutual friend came up to me and said “This seems really weird, but XX is getting married and asked me to ask you if you would come to the wedding, I don’t understand why she wants me to ask you”. I of course understood completely. There was no dissuading her so I and several of her friends went, to support her, and even threw them a small party even though we loathed her abusive groom. It was a tough call but we loved her dearly (she was a truly lovely girl both in appearance and personality - probably the sweetest person I have ever known) and did not want to not be thee for her plus we wanted her to know we would always be there for he. My husband refused to go.</p>
<p>I was the bride in the wedding that I knew was a big mistake. I never should have gone through with it and I tried to make the best of it. Thank goodness the people who also knew I shouldn’t have gone through with didn’t stop it. I wouldn’t have my daughter and she is worth the making of the big mistake.</p>
<p>“Character flaws” are in the eye of the beholder, and is also opinion, not fac. If that’s what the issue is, I’d keep my mouth shut. It’s unlikely that the other party doesn’t know.</p>
<p>swimcatsmom, I applaud you for the stance you took with your friend in an abusive relationship. One of the things that an abuser does is isolate the victim. By going to the wedding, you showed your friend that she was not alone, no matter what he told her.</p>
<p>I hope she eventually found the strength to leave him (or he somehow shaped up) with your support and the support of her other friends.</p>
<p>I not only attended the second wedding of a friend who married a totally unsuitable man, but I helped her pick out her dress. I think she finally got it right with husband #4, to whom she has been married for at least 10 years (we are no longer in touch); she is a brilliant woman who had self-esteem issues which resulted in her marrying 3 wildly inappropriate men–and all inappropriate for different reasons!–until maybe she got some good therapy.</p>
<p>I agree that certain things we consider character flaws can be an asset, however when someone is intrinsically moral flawed, I draw the line. My h drives me nuts because he is so rigid, But yet he is loyal and moral and I really respect that. I guess its all in what you value. I am going to the wedding for the parents. Cartera glad you have your girl!</p>
<p>I’ve been to a wedding that was a mistake. Not the marriage, the WEDDING itself. There was no way in heck this couple could afford such a lavish celebration without getting into a big debt.</p>