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<p>I’m married to a recently retired USMC LtCol. I am his one and only wife! While second marriages are not unusual, beyond that it gets dicey. The unofficial rules lean towards seeing someone with more than two marriages as being inherently unstable. Of course, there are exceptions but not many. I highly doubt this man will make full Col.</p>
<p>I would say, pugmadkate, that in my very limited experience (married to career army officer who served 27 years, one marriage), that divorce was pretty rare in the army officer ranks especially for officers higher than lieutenants and maybe captains. In the 18 years we were married, I knew of two or three officers who had been married twice, and one couple I heard of were later divorced, but it was rare. I would also add that my experience was mostly in the peace time army days. My husband has been retired for ten years.</p>
<p>“swimcatsmom, I applaud you for the stance you took with your friend in an abusive relationship.”</p>
<p>I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong answer here, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea that it is always admirable to stand by our friends as they self-destruct. To me, choosing to be with an abuser is like being a drug addict – it satisfies some need in the short term as it kills your body and soul. If a loved one wanted to throw a party to celebrate her commitment to crack, I think most of us would not go, unless it were to stage an intervention. </p>
<p>“Thank goodness the people who also knew I shouldn’t have gone through with didn’t stop it. I wouldn’t have my daughter and she is worth the making of the big mistake.”</p>
<p>What advice would you give your daughter in the same situation?</p>
<p>Hanna, in the same situation, I would do what I could to get her to change her mind. I wouldn’t assume that something good could come of it.</p>
<p>I think I would do the same. It’s frightening to risk your relationship with that person, though. Otherwise sane people can make such crazy choices when it comes to romance.</p>
<p>So far, she has shown much more maturity with guys at her young age than I did even in my 40s. The advice I always give her is to imagine her best friend, or me, describing the relationship to her. Write it down if necessary. What would her advice be? Then she needs to take that advice. She says that helps her evaluate all kinds of situations.</p>
<p>So far, both of my kids have shown very level heads in relationship issues. I hope it continues. Life has been very calm as neither has had the serious relationships I had since age age 16. I’m sure my parents were keeping their fingers crossed, as they didn’t get to meet most of the men I dated when I was away for 6 years. Have not met too many of our kids’ friends while they’ve been away either but have been pleased with their same-gender friends and expect we’d like their opposite gender friends as well.</p>
<p>To me it’s very touching the S asks D about relationships issues. He trusts her judgment and so far it has been wise beyond her years. :)</p>
<p>DH and I knew his younger brother’s marriage was a mistake. We always thought the relationship a little odd and it looked even more weird to us at the rehearsal dinner/party.
His bride was always a little strange to us. Two kids,lots of heartache and bizarre behaviors…SIL ended up with a diagnosis…Bipolar. SIL didn’t like to take the medicine so the whole thing went downhill and ended in a nasty divorce. We saw it coming from way back.</p>
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<p>Iraq and Afghanistan absolutely made second marriages more accepted, in my opinion. They just became much more common as the multiple deployments stretched on for longer and longer. </p>
<p>In the first ten years of my husband’s career, when someone would divorce we’d all wonder why. Once Iraq started, no one wondered why anymore.</p>
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<p>cartera, your post reminds of an article I once read which was written by a woman who had been severely abused by her spouse. She was finally able to leave him and move on to a better life. Whenever people ask her about her regrets, she said she always says “as horrible as my situation was, I honestly have to admit that my children make it impossible for me to regret my past.” That touched me. I know even if I were find out something horrible about my husband, I could never “unwish” my life because then I would have to unwish my children.</p>
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One common denominator with most of the abusive relationships that I have observed is that over time the abuser usually manages to separate the victim from her family and friends. That was the reason for going to the wedding. I was not happy about the wedding and she knew it. We could not stop her from doing it (we tried, believe me), so we wanted her to know that we were still there for her. If we had not gone, it would have helped him separate her from us even more than he had already done. It is not the same thing at all as being a drug addict. The drug is not actively trying to make you think your friends and family are not there for you. Abusers very often are.</p>
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<p>Quite often it is not a choice. Fear is a really strong motivator - not just fear for yourself, but fear for those you love.</p>
<p>I agree that abusers do make a point of isolating their victims as soon and thoroughly as possible. Their victims need all the support they can get so that they know that IF and WHEN they are strong enough to make a new life there will be support for them and that they ARE loved.</p>
<p>Abusive relationships are very painful for everyone touched by them, especially loved ones of the victims.</p>
<p>“The drug is not actively trying to make you think your friends and family are not there for you.”</p>
<p>It certainly is. Well, not the drug per se, but the disease process. This is a hallmark of drug addiction, in fact…the drug seems like the user’s only friend. The addiction will tell the addict to isolate herself with the drug. The psychology of thinking you can’t live without your drug, or without your abuser, is one and the same. Anyone who tries to separate you from your lifeline has to be an enemy.</p>
<p>As I said, I don’t think there’s a clear right answer when a friend is determined to drive off of a cliff.</p>
<p>No. However, I once invited 250 people to a wedding that I quickly discovered was a big mistake. Does that help?</p>
<p>No, actually I have never been invited to a wedding that I knew was a mistake.</p>
<p>But have you been in wedding that you kew was a mistake? Trust me it is unsettling. And it ruins the party.</p>
<p>Hey - I was the BRIDE in a wedding that was very definitely a mistake. I just didn’t know it was a mistake until much later.</p>
<p>Just before graduating from high school, one of H’s best friends, also a high school senior, announced that he was marrying our history teacher/cheerleading coach. It shocked everyone. No one had any idea. H’s friend was smart, a top athlete, and very good-looking. He could have dated anyone at our large high school. H was asked to be in the wedding, and agreed. (He said it felt strange, but everyone was pretty young and naive). The teacher quit her job at the end of the year, and moved to a college town. She was able to get another teaching job and H’s friend actually enrolled in college. They are still married, after 36 years. H lost touch after the wedding, but there have been some rumors of infidelity, on her part. I hope they don’t involve any other students.</p>
<p>Yes! And the bride was my own sister. Everyone in the family was ambivalent at best. We all smiled, did our best to seem positive – and all were there for my sister when the marriage ended (husband in jail on a bunch of felonies!) a mere 18 months later…</p>