In the OP, conmama asked “what would you do?” I posted my answer to that question. No doubt different families approach gifting in the ways that work for them.
I’m just not a gift exchanger. So no, I would not.
I wish there were more real surprises under our tree but we mostly just ask each other what to buy and then buy it.
Clothing gets packaged with the gift receipt.
I hate having to exchange things. I don’t take much back but I’d definitely exchange an expensive sweater for something I could truly enjoy.
At least jewelry doesn’t take up room!
The song birds took real thought (that was so sweet! Not practical but sweet!)
Well, I’ve thought a lot about this and have gone back and forth after reading everyone’s opposing viewpoints, which are all valid! And I agree with all of them so I have to just choose, so my choice is to exchange it.
- I tried it on again this morning and had to take it off after 2 minutes because it started tickling my skin too much.
- He had the gift receipt in the box and stated before I even opened it that I could return it.
- I looked at the receipt, the time and he swung by the store before he came home for Thanksgiving and bought it. So, I don’t think it was something he spent a lot of time thinking about.
- It’s expensive. I think he would rather me exchange and wear something all the time than never see me wear it.
- Someone said he’s not a kid, so I do think that might make a difference.
Of course, I’ll always worry I’ve hurt his feelings, but I don’t think I will. I think he’s just proud he spent so much money,.haha. Seriously, I think that was what he wanted to impress me with more than the item, as he left the price tag on it.
@conmama, this was a very interesting topic, thanks for posting!
I felt like you did in post 23, all the viewpoints had their plus and minus points and were valid.
The kicker for me for your decision was that he included the receipt and said you could return it. I’d praise THAT thoughtful gesture as much as the gift of the sweater. Because it says he is a grownup and wanted the gift to “work” for YOU.
I was going to post that talking to him about exchange was a teaching moment, but now I don’t think he needs one.
I had sort of a similar “do I exchange” going on with my mom for a long time, when she got me stuff SHE liked and I hated. And she resented people not appreciating her vision. It took me YEARS to just exchange it or send it on to a happier home. It was a long struggle (think from 20’s to 40’s). Now I have told my kids if I ever get something they don’t like, exchange it and also let me know what they got instead. I have several examples I trot out between me and my mom. Because gift giving is a skill and I want to be more aware that it is the thought that counts… and the memory of the person, not the memory of the gift.
@esobay , thanks! I appreciated reading your post!
My kids have made ME exchange/return most of the things I’ve ever given them, so if they gave me something I couldn’t wear (wrong size, itchy, etc I’d return it also and exchange it for something I loved and would wear often and tell said kiddo that it’s thanks to them.
We also will give someone the actual receipt or take back the gift ourselves and give the person the cash for it.
The reason being that unless the item was paid for in cash the refunded gift amount will only be given back as a gift card if the person used a credit card. Which is fine if it’s from a store you normally shop at but not so great if it is not.
About 10 years ago, our son gave me a pair of inline skates for Christmas. Where he ever got the idea I’d ever use them (with my knees) is beyond me, but he thought they were a “fun” gift. I gave him a big hug, but they sat in the box untouched until we sold the house and they went into the garage sale. I wouldn’t have exchanged them for any other type of sporting good or clothing or anything else from that store, so they just languished. I felt bad about that but, thankfully, he never seemed to notice and never asked about them.
I think it’s perfectly fine to exchange a gift when the giver specifically gives you leave to. To me, that indicates that the giver just wants you to be happy and is not invested in the specific item. Go ahead, exchange it for something you like, and then give your son a smile and a hug whenever you wear it around him. Tell him you think about him every time you wear it, which will be the truth.
My son got me a necklace from Nordstrom for Mother’s Day that was a two parter. The choker strand was just uncomfortable. So we went together back to the store and I picked out a beautiful necklace from the same brand that suited me perfectly. Son told me ‘that was the one his girlfriend would have chosen’. No hard feelings at all and now I wear the necklace we chose together often. $100 for a necklace is a lot of money to my son. He’d rather I have something I wear, than something that would sit in a drawer and never come out.
My daughter has great tastes and has that “gift-giving” gene - she always seems to know what to buy people. So no, I’ve never exchanged a gift she’s given me,
On the other hand - my father is a huge reader but has very particular tastes (history, but not American history unless it’s Abraham Lincoln; philosophy, but not the ancient Greeks or Nietzsche… you get the idea.) I’ve been through all kinds of angst just trying to find a book he’d like, which is ironic since he always gets me a book HE likes but that I usually hate…
One year I gave him a new biography of Lincoln (see previous paragraph). At the time it was hailed as the definitive history of the man and it received all kinds of rave reviews from the NYT et al. Anyway, my father opened his gift, tossed the book on the ground in disgust, and said “why would I ever want to read another biography of Lincoln?” I was crushed. Later he did read the book and apologized because it was “wonderful,” but by then the damage was done.
Now he gets candy and nuts for Christmas.
OP, I know you wouldn’t throw your sweater on the ground and scream “Why would I want that?” I guess I’m saying I think it’s okay to exchange, gifts, but be careful!
@conmama It sounds like you’ve reached a good decision! I’m sure he will be happy to have you exchange the sweater for something that works better for you if you let him know it was just too warm - that’s not the kind of thing he would necessarily know, so not likely to take it personally.
I took it back just now and found the exact same color in a long slim cardigan, same price. It’s much more my style. I think he’ll be fine, since I’ll wear this one all the time.
Yay, @conmama — good choice and your S will be thrilled and happy when he sees the sweater that he “got you” even though it’s a size and style that’s more “you.” Added bonus you will wear it more! Since he had the gift receipt enclosed he obviously realized it may not fit or be quite right and it sounds like he will be happy you’re happy!
@HImom , I think you’re right. He’s so good natured and easy going, I really don’t think it will bother him. I suppose in situations like these, where both arguments for/against are both completely valid, I suppose we have to take into account the details like personality, etc.
You know, even though I decided to exchange it, doesn’t mean in any way those that presented the “don’t do it” side didn’t sway me. It did! I wasn’t going to do it because it made sense. It was just so damn itchy.
@conmama what a great compromise. Something in the color he picked out. Now take a pic of yourself in it, all smiling because you love it - and send it to him! 
I’m actually going to go out with a GF tomorrow night and wear it! He’ll be home when I take off, so I know he’ll be tickled.
I think it depends on family culture, our family is under strict orders to return or exchange any mis-gifts, I do not want to see the money wasted and am not offended by not getting a gift perfect, perhaps because I am very difficult to buy for and very picky about what I want.
My mother is like that, since I live by her I am the designated person to go shopping with her to exchange things. I told my siblings that they should give her gift certificates.
I grew up with a mother who made my father and later my brother and me return everything we ever bought for her. Nothing was ever perfect. It was quite hurtful, (she was pretty unpleasant about it). As a result, I became astute at watching, listening and observing what family and friends liked or preferred. I always gave a gift receipt with instructions to exchange if they wanted. The only gifts my mother never complained about was what my son would give to her. One Christmas, my mother was particularly difficult and opened a gift I gave to her and asked me what I was thinking, she would never use it. At the same time, my mother-in-law said how beautiful it was. I got up from the floor and took the item from my mother’s hand and plopped it on my MIL lap! I was surprised I did that, everyone was quiet for a second, then I just laughed. I think I finally got rid of all the years of hurt feelings.