<p>I’ve known several. A good friend of mine committed suicide last summer. We knew it was coming. She had tried before. This time she succeeded. She came from an extremely abusive household, was depressed, and felt there were no other options. Her depression prevented her from seeing the support she had around her.</p>
<p>I had another friend take his life in high school. It was COMPLETELY out of the blue. He was bullied because of his sexuality and no one knew it. We found out in his suicide note. I still think every once in a while whether or not there were signs that we missed. </p>
<p>Another boy I used to coach took his life when he was in middle school. I do not know why. </p>
<p>My uncle either died of an accidental or intentional overdose. We’ll never know. He had no family so no children left behind. </p>
<p>I actually can’t think of anyone who took their lives who had a family. You’re right, it is incredibly selfish. I’ve dealt with MDD so I absolutely understand how you can be in that dark of a place that you’re convinced the world (especially your family) is better off without you. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, swim. My heart goes out to his family.</p>
In some cases yes, in others no. Some people think that by ending their lives they will ease the lives of their families - even if other people do not agree, that is what they think, that they are being selfless.</p>
<p>The family friend that I knew left four young kids when he committed suicide on the day he was set to surrender for criminal charges.</p>
<p>There was a male teacher at a high school that went on a hike and “disappeared”. Everyone was frantically looking for him. His wife and kids were distraught. When his body was found, dead from a gun shot wound, it was later discovered that his “girlfriend” was going to file for child support for the baby she had recently given birth to.</p>
You did, but the absolutism of the last sentence I quoted was at odds with the rest. You seemed to be saying that all such suicides were selfish even though some of them think they are doing the best thing for others, and I find that contradictory.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input. It is very helpful as I try and think my way through this.</p>
<p>I don’t know his family at all. Have never met his wife and just know about the kids because they would come to the office and hang out with him in his office sometimes. It was more a case of being aware of them, I would hear them and see them pass by by my office, but would not recognize them if i saw them on the street. (a couple of the other people have kids that come to the office but they go around visiting with everyone and so I know them more). So this is not really a situation where I would be in a position to be doing anything for the kids or the family. </p>
<p>It is more the people at work I will be interacting with. For me personally, it is a terrible shock (I don’t think I have personally known someone who has committed suicide before), but I did not know him well so it is not the same for me as it is for the others at work. He was not at all friendly toward me and actually made me a bit uncomfortable at first because he would come and leave a file on my desk and leave without saying a word to me. Probably of everyone there, he is the one I have talked to the least. Now I feel a bit guilty for the rather negative view I had of him as it is now evident there were issues. Many of the others have been there for years and other of course the partners have known him for a long time. I guess I will just have to listen to them and try and figure out how to be supportive. I think it may also have a pretty devastating effect on the firm. it is a small firm and already a bit shorthanded, losing one of the main people is probably going to be quite difficult from a business point of view.</p>
<p>My immediate boss who told me the news said he will explain more when he sees me. He was a bit hesitant about telling me as the reason I was gone was for my husbands cancer check up, but he though it better to let me know in advance rather than show up at work and find out. I think having spent the week at M D Anderson surrounded by people suffering and fighting for their lives also made the news hit me pretty hard.</p>
<p>heavyheart, I’m so sorry for your loss. My sons’ chances of committing suicide, considering their mental illness, is greater than 1 in 6. So I think about the subject of suicide a lot. From what I’ve read, there is just no way for healthy people to understand the torture that severely mentally ill people go through EVERY DAY of their lives. Meds do help, but it seems as if they need to be adjusted every week (no exaggeration), and sometimes the doctor doesn’t realize in time that a change is needed.</p>
<p>swim, I would just sit there and listen and try to be supportive. People are going to deal with this in very different ways. There’s really no way to prepare, unfortunately :(.</p>
<p>heavyheart, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine a greater pain. I hope I did not open wounds by starting this thread. I was just trying to think my way through all the mixed emotions I am having before I have to meet up with the people who will be more affected than I by this, and CC parents are always offer such great and varied opinions.</p>
I disagree. It is the difference between accidental and wilfull - selfishness is the act of willfully placing your interests above those of others. In many cases suicides think that they are helping other people through their actions, and the fact that they are wrong makes them wrong, not selfish.</p>
<p>I can count at least 10 without much trouble, including my aunt and my sister. My aunt was bipolar, and refused medication. She made many attempts, and finally succeeded. My sister showed signs of mental illness since her late teens, and led a tumultuous life, including a bitter divorce, lousy relationships and being fired from jobs. She hanged herself (on Mother’s Day) when she was in her late 40’s. I have come to believe that she had borderline personality disorder. I also believe that she thought that she was “getting even” with her family. She left a very nasty suicide note. </p>
<p>My daughter went to a wake this weekend for a friend who was a local musician. Her family said that she had been depressed. My neighbor was depressed. He had HIV and drug/alcohol issues. Another neighbor, a sweet elderly gentleman, slit his wrists after his wife died. He survived, and with the help of therapy and his children, he has lived to his 90’s. Another friend shot himself because he was facing prison. Several of my children’s peers have also done this, under various circumstances. At least once a year, some young person steps out in front of a train in a nearby town.</p>
<p>I was angry all the time after my sister died, and I still have some horrific memories of our relationship. But over time, and by learning more about BPD and discussing this disorder with other people who have been through the same thing, I mostly just feel pity for her, and sadness for the waste of life.</p>
<p>I too am sorry for your loss heavyheart. and you zoosermom. </p>
<p>Dying by suicide is most often the result of mental illness, depression, bipolar disorder. just as people die from other illnesses, people do die from these illnesses. Sad how many people still do not fully understand that these are in fact brain illnesses, and the person who is suffering sometimes can no longer take the suffering.</p>
<p>I can imagine your ongoing concern Mainelonghorn, you probably know this but it’s important to remember that receiving effective mental health treatment and having positive family and community connections are protective factors.</p>
<p>please understand that when someone dies by suicide, they are most often not acting selfishly, but are responding to unrelenting pain and/or hopelessness. however survivors of a loved one’s suicide often do feel angry, sad, betrayed etc.</p>
<p>The only advice I would give is to make sure that you remember to offer only support to those grievers who were closer to the deceased than you were. Many of us have an instinctive need to share our grief, but often make the mistake of sharing grief instead of condolences. One funeral I went to was dominated by a young woman who insisted on repeatedly and extensively sharing her devastation over the loss of someone she barely knew… with the family who had just lost a son and brother. You are entitled to your grief and to the consolation of those friends who have the capacity to help, just make sure that you are helping those in deeper water.</p>
<p>To the OP: Just letting your co-workers know that you care will be helpful. A simple “I’m sorry” and a hug (if you are comfortable with that) would be appropriate.</p>
<p>I truly believe that we never know what is deep inside of another persons mind or heart. We never really know the pain that some people carry every day of their lives. My sympathies to all who have lost a family member or friend to suicide especially heavyheart and zoosermom.</p>
<p>I agree with cosmicfish. I don’t claim that there are not exceptions, but I believe that the vast majority of people who commit suicide are suffering from disease–they are not just thinking about themselves; they believe they are not helping others by being–that others would be better off about them. additionally, they are in pain, sometimes apparently unbearable pain that they just want to end.</p>
<p>I have two close family members that I believe are at grave risk of suicide. Neither is a selfish person; both have serious mental illness–both are committed to staying in life for people who love them, but at as angry as I would be to lose either, I don’t pretend to comprehend what life feels like for them. And I’m afraid I can imagine either one coming to a conclusion at some point that others would be better off without them.</p>
<p>I agree with this. Some of them who have suffered from long term chronic depression are aware of the pain their illness has caused their loved ones. They believe they have become a burden to them, and by committing suicide, they believe that although there will be pain short term, they are doing them a favor long term.</p>
<p>People with healthy minds often try to apply their logic to someone who is not mentally healthy. Someone who is not in their right mind does not have the capacity to reason the same way a mentally healthy person does. It’s like telling someone with body dysmorphic disorder to just stop it and see themselves as they really are, when these people clearly have a disease which prevents them from doing just that. </p>
<p>Depression is such a complex problem, and sometimes no amount of medication, loving support, therapy, etc. is enough to help. It’s very sad.</p>
<p>During the time leading up to the suicide, the person is often self-absorbed. The person is thinking that their pain is greater than anyone else’s. They don’t see a way out. </p>
<p>If they have a PD, then then often their perceived “hurts” are overblown. Someone close to our family circle suffers from BPD/NPD and depression…and who has gone as far as putting a loaded weapon in his mouth with suicide threats… His “perceived hurts” are often irrational and overblown, and he does think that his “hurts” are far worse than anyone else’s…even if you can show instances where another person’s pain is rationally far greater (such as loss of a child vs some minor issue that he’s facing). It’s all very odd, but consistent with his PD.</p>
<p>If the suicidal persons are facing humiliation (incarceration, having an affair exposed, financial ruin, etc), then it could be a combo of things.</p>