Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I lost my remaining parent less than 6 months ago- <my Bil had power of attorney and my brother had medical authority ( my mother believed despite all appearances to contrary that " men" should be in charge). However, she had stated that she wanted decisions to be mutual- and all three of us met with the hospitalist .</p>

<p>In a period of three days, she had gone from recovering from a pacemaker implant, to being on life support. We were in the waiting and seeing mode-but because my nephew talked his father into pulling the plug despite my vehement insistence to stick to our original decision, which was to wait more than 24 hours- she died and I was not able to be there.</p>

<p>I think it is fine to make children in charge of decisions, but don’t give one all the power.</p>

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<p>I must say I am overwhelmed with the emotions of love, joy, pain, sorrow, and hope on this thread. It has turned into a thread that we all need to read, pay attention to, and learn from. Thank you to everyone who has shared.</p>

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<p>Samurai-
Apologies if I was unclear. My point is that there are many many different kinds of intimacy. It comes in all shapes and forms. Couples can have shared connections/intimacy in good and bad, physical and non-physical ways. I’ve worked with couples whose major shared “intimacy” was their drinking or smoking, and when one decided to quit, they faced a crisis because this was a major source of “glue” in their relationship that they no longer share. So, they needed to find other ways to connect.</p>

<p>NSM has been very open with her mood struggles. In some relationships, if one partner is depressed, withdrawn or emotionally hard to access, the other partner may find enjoyment/pleasure elsewhere, and I am not talking about physical infidlelity, but rather other sources of enjoyment. It is possible that NSM’s H found pleasure in his student tours, biking, etc, and now that NSM is feeling better, she is reaching back out to her H, who will need to re-balance things to include her more in his activities. It reminds me of the adjustment military spouses make when their partners are deployed and then return. Its tough, but it is doable. </p>

<p>Best of luck to NSM and all the posters here.</p>

<p>And thanks to several posters for very sweet PMs.</p>

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<p>I can not express more how enormously helpful this thread has been to me. With your help one thing that I realized is that how H had been dealing with the work-related trip is how in general we had handled such things throughout most of our marriage.</p>

<p>We both loved travel, and we looked for ways to integrate it into our family life by combining work with travel. We looked, too, for ways of including our kids even though we knew that would decrease the money we’d have for their college. We figured that the enrichment and family time we all got through the travel was more important than, for instance, being able to easily pay for our kids to attend a good private college or being able to avoid credit card debt.</p>

<p>In planning this trip, H initially had wanted to include me and younger S (other S lives far away and is on his own). H had wanted to write us into the grant proposals and both S and I have skills and experience (including with a program that H had organized abroad a few years ago) that could have contributed. However, at this point in our lives, neither S nor I were interested in this particular trip. S is involved in his theater major and in saving for a car so he can expand his employment options. I’m deeply involved in local community theater and would have had to back out of two productions to be involved in the trip</p>

<p>Anyway, realizing that H has been operating on our old model helped me be be appropriately receptive when H called from far, far away yesterday to say, “Happy anniversary. I miss you.”</p>

<p>This thread also helped me realize how proud I am of what H is doing. The project he created is an impressive one that actually has gotten some national attention. It also has roots in lots of things that H, I and the kids believe in and have done together, including a trip that H and I took together about 12 years ago. In many respects the project is a tribute to what has made our family and marriage special.</p>

<p>I’m still concerned about the physical intimacy problems with our relationship, but feel more optimistic about our marriage than I did when I started this thread. You’ve helped broaden my perspective, and I think you from the depths of my heart.</p>

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<p>As a lurker here you have all made me think and analyze and weigh my marriage, things are actually quite good right now, but I realize how easily things can go off the rails. It is usually slow and gradual and difficult to come back from. It can be done, but it is easier to keep things on track. Thank you all for your honesty and moving words, I think a great many people have been helped, I know I will be paying more attention to my husband and my marriage now. </p>

<p>Thank You Northstarmom for having the courage and honesty to put this out here.</p>

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<p>I’d also like to express appreciation for the collective wealth of wisdom here. I posted here out of sheer desperation after trying counseling and then talking to friends. </p>

<p>Bad advice i’d gotten from well-meaning friends, including some who had had long term marriages that were good were: Divorce him, have an affair with a man, have an affair with a woman. There also were people who thought that my complaints were trivial because “after all, he has taken you to Paris for a whole summer!”</p>

<p>I also had had a male therapist (not the therapist who H and I were in couples counseling with) whose “help” included making sexually suggestive comments to me and offering me a job.</p>

<p>I am grateful that I had the good sense not to follow any of those people’s advice!</p>

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<p>This is such a moving big-hearted thread. I am amazed at the depth of feeling here, and about such huge issues too. Really, the biggest: how to live a life of value and honor our chosen mate. Sometimes these two things are mutually exclusive, I recognize that, but it is the struggle that gives life meaning, I believe.</p>

<p>NSM, I hope you will keeping trying with your H. It sounds like you are willing. As I get older, looking at the husbands (and wives) I know, I keep thinking of that old adage, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. Well, as an eternal optimist, I think you can with enough love – and I don’t mean romantic love, although that helps the medicine go down. I’m talking about grit and fortitude and infinite patience. The last time I had to reach way down and find the last shred of patience was when my kids were small. I guess that was like training for old-age marriage, though little could I have fathomed that idea at the time. And I’d like to add, that in my own case, I need the grit, fortitude, etc. for myself, because I’m the selfish, flawed one in my marriage.</p>

<p>NSM, I wonder with your past history of depression, if your H’s behavior (of emotional absence) wasn’t convenient for you both. Now that you have gone through this sea change, there is a need for some major adjustments. It sounds like this is a transitional moment in your lives, an opportunity, really, to bring the fullness of your new life into your marriage.</p>

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<p>I’m practically in tears reading this page. Such a great gift NSM has given us all.</p>

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<p>Awww I’m sorry Northstarmom :(…you’ve gotten tons of great advice already</p>

<p>Just be patient and give it some time. I hope your marriage will end up fine :slight_smile: If if it doesn’t I hope you can end up being just as happy :slight_smile: [at least you have kids].</p>

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<p>"NSM, I wonder with your past history of depression, if your H’s behavior (of emotional absence) wasn’t convenient for you both. "</p>

<p>Yes, it obviously worked for us both. I’ve seen guides for people with depressed family members, but never have seen guides for people whose family members are no longer depressed. Behaviors that work and are adaptive when a family member is ill are dysfunctional when a family member is well.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom…reading post number 204 made me smile.</p>

<p>Very nice.</p>

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<p>NSM, </p>

<p>How awful that the therapist came on to you. Did you report him? Is it possible to do such a thing? I hate to think of him taking advantage of another client who is not as sensible as you.</p>

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<p>No, I didn’t report him. I know this probably sounds stupid. Since I have a doctorate in clincial psych, I would have been a very believable witness that what he did was wrong. However, I felt sorry for him. </p>

<p>Later, I found out that he is a recovering crack addict (I learned this from someone who had volunteered with a group my therapist ran for crack addicts). If I had known that the licensed doctorate-holding psychologist that I was seeing was a recovering crack addict, I never would have chosen him. </p>

<p>This wasn’t the same therapist that H and I saw for marital counseling.</p>

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<p>NSM,
If your therapist crossed boundaries that way, it sounds like he might have relapsed. Even if you are not currently licensed, you may have a duty to report to at the very least an ethics committee (if you dont want to go to the licensing board) about the incident. FL likely has a colleague assistance committee that can reach out to help this therapist (DK if you said what his degree was ) and it sounds like he may need that. Cardinal Fang’s concerns are very valid. The therapist could be causing harm to other patients.</p>

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<p>Hmm, your next project? It sounds like you’d be filling a need.</p>

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<p>jym 626, your post #194 was outstanding. I would love to be married to the type of person you are, someone who KNOWS what love is all about. It is unconditional, God’s love, a 1Corinthians 13:4-7 love. You inspire the young and old in your post, particularly since you have lived it. Well done, sir, ma’am. God bless you.</p>

<p>Now, as to my tone on my post. I am taking the wise advice of others who kindly said I was wrong. Well, you are right. I apologize for the disrespect, whether warranted or not. I simply do get upset at how people disgard others. We are not trash. When something as holy as marriage before God calls for a contractual commitment to man and God, I would take things bloody serious and will finish well when I remain true to my commitment to love no matter what time or trouble brings. PERIOD!!! I will cling to God’s Word and Spirit to see me through. Meanwhile, I will love my mate untiringly, as that is what I signed up for in the marriage vow. Is that old fashioned. Yep! Is it foolish? Yep, in the sight of men and “worldly, selfish love”. But, my life is a testimony of God’s power to heal and deal through my heart and love, NOT by my human effort, as I will fail – promise, everytime!! Daily. But, I will get back up and love all over again, whether perfectly or imperfectly. I will remain refreshingly teachable, even as I have modeled hear. Not perfect, but caring enough to suck it up Baby, and do it right at the next opportunity. Because, humans are worth it. Period. Thanks for listening and putting up with me. While I am young, my friends can attest to the fact that I love them in spite of my occasional selfish slip ups. My point is, humans are worth loving over and over, till I get it right. I love the show “Ground Hogs Day”. Bill Murray gets loving people right – finally — only then does he begin living – when he is truly, unselfishly living. I’d love to hear any of your feedback. And thanks again for tolerating and forgiving my lippy moment.</p>

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<p>TrueLove, I gently suggest that you comment on threads like this after you’ve had life experience such as having been married for a long time. Then, you’ll also have the wisdom to be able to recognize as have the majority of parents who’ve responded that it was a loving act for me to have posted this thread. </p>

<p>Every marriage has problems. Ignoring the problems doesn’t make them better nor does bending over backward to meet all of one’s mate’s needs while ignoring your own. Doing those things can be as destructive as would cursing out a mate and slamming the door on a relationship without trying to heal it.</p>

<p>I also think it would be helpful for you to know that not everyone adheres to your belief in God and that marriage should be a lifelong commitment. Fine to hold yourself to those beliefs, but it’s wrong to assume that every other human being believes what you believe. </p>

<p>“. Meanwhile, I will love my mate untiringly, as that is what I signed up for in the marriage vow. Is that old fashioned. Yep! Is it foolish?”</p>

<p>I believe that’s naive and foolish. There are people who have beaten, raped, stolen from, cheated on , and infected their mates with STDs. THere are people who have harmed deliberately the children they’ve had with their mates, including people who have sexually abused their kids.</p>

<p>If you believe in stand by your man no matter what, then I thoroughly disagree with your perspective. </p>

<p>Maybe you’re now thinking, “But I won’t marry that type of man.” I don’t think many people deliberately select a mate who’ll harm them or their kids, but it happens. The mate may, for instance, become very different due to a new drug addiction or a mental illness. </p>

<p>You have no idea what life holds in store for you, so predicting how you will act while married is not something that you can accurately do. With your lack of experience, you also are not in a position to offer advice on longterm marriages. Instead, this thread may give you some insights that you can use in your future relationship.</p>

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<p>Is it possible that your husband is depressed? Your coping mechanism was to stay in bed. He may be coping by taking long bike rides and focusing on work in a compulsive let me ignore the rest of the world/I can’t deal with it type of way. Does that make sense?</p>

<p>You are a model of drug success for whatever drug you are taking for your depression. May I suggest you contact the company and offer to do a commercial for them? Your husband and family could be included and thus bring him into your interest in theatre as well as get good information out there about depression and treatment.</p>

<p>Another thought-doing a documentary on marriage/depression</p>

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<p>Thanks for your kind comments, truelove and ctyankee. With all the sweet front and back channel comments I received about that post today, I decided to copy/paste the post into an email to my H. He was most appreciative. And he might be home at a reasonable hour tonight! He is in town for a few more days before he hits the road again. Saturday is my bday (626). We are going to make the best of our time together. </p>

<p>Glad this thread has been such a powerful one. Given us all pause to think and reflect.</p>

<p>As a side note, I have seen some very unhealthy marriages where the need for one spouse to get out was the right thing to do. There are no absolutes in relationships, but they do take work and an occasional psychological tune-up. Those not yet in marriages will learn this with time and experience. Hopefully good choices will be made in the selection of a spouse and that the bumps in the road don’t leave skid marks.</p>

<p>**** cross-posted with NSM about not all marriages being healthy or forever***</p>

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<p>“Is it possible that your husband is depressed? Your coping mechanism was to stay in bed. He may be coping by taking long bike rides and focusing on work in a compulsive let me ignore the rest of the world/I can’t deal with it type of way. Does that make sense?”</p>

<p>Anything’s possible, but when he was in therapy, the therapist didn’t diagnose him as being depressed.</p>

<p>In general, he seems happy. He loves his job and his bike rides. He’s thoroughly enjoying the adventure he’s on with students. He does miss me, but otherwise right this moment he’s living his dream.</p>