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<p>I’m sure you are familiar with the happiness psychology studies and classes, the most famous of them all being taught at Harvard. Ben Tal-Shahir, or Tal Ben-Shahir (I always get this mixed up)…</p>
<p>You could really add to this body of work, especially given your background.</p>
<p>It’s true psychology tends to focus so intensely on the ‘problems’ it fails at times to examine what happens when things begin to go “right.”</p>
<p>This is an excellent point.</p>
<p>NSM the force, good discussion and good wishes from a group is powerful: Your first post was made 06-22-2010, 10:39 AM… the change in tone and perspective in your post #204 written today June 24, at 11:29A.M is a turn of 360 degrees, which shows you both love each other. Have you talked with your husband about the feelings you have discussed with us?</p>
<p>I’m trying to figure out how everything has turned around so fast, excepting the intimacy problem. Concerning the “‘intimacy” aspect, you never addressed my concerns posted in post #168.</p>
<p>I’m happy that your husband called you: that was very sweet.</p>
<p>“Concerning the “‘intimacy” aspect, you never addressed my concerns posted in post #168.”</p>
<p>I’m 5’5 150 pounds and love Victoria’s Secret. I look about 10 years younger than I am. My acting coach says that I can audition for roles that are 15 years younger than my real age, and I recently was in a student film playing a woman who was supposed to be 13 years younger than I am.</p>
<p>One summer when H was working abroad a few years ago, I worked out every day for 2-3 hours so that when I went there, I would surprise him by how I looked. I already had been working out regularly for years, but I added to my workout. When I went there, I was toned and weighed 135 pounds. Men --including men in their 20s – flirted with me when I explored the city on my own.</p>
<p>Did this make a difference with H? No. :(</p>
<p>Well you are doing your part…I still will like to have a magic wand to fix this problem.
At least he called you for the anniversary… so that is very sweet.</p>
<p>What about taking a vacation the two of you alone…but not mixing it with work…just a real and romantic vacation?</p>
<p>Yikes, True Love. For someone who is all about God, you sure have a whole lot of “I” in your posts. Humility is your friend, and if you spend some more time with your Bible you will find that it is a requirement for your stated faith.</p>
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<p>Great news.</p>
<p>I would like to thank this lovely community for this thread. I am new to CC (finding it only after my daughter had received her acceptances to college), and generally just read. When I discovered this thread the day it started–Serendipitously? By way of a miracle?–I found it spoke volumes to me. Thank you.</p>
<p>What a great thread…makes me feel I’m not alone and lots of people have the same traumas as me.All I can say is after so many years is it worth rocking the boat? I have thought long and hard about this and realised that over the years I’ve learned to compromise and accept things the way they are. I did it for all these years for my children’s sake, and they’re still around, even though grown up. The fact that I carried on and made a life for myself with friends and family who in some ways made up for all the things lacking in my marriage means I can go on. Ofcourse I often wonder if theres something better round the corner but ,better the devil you know…</p>
<p>I got up early - still jet lagged - and found this wonderful thread. Thank you all for sharing such with such candor and compassion. My thoughts are with you, Northstarmom- I hope that you are able to find that loving and connected space with your spouse again.</p>
<p>Great thread. NSM, thanks for posting. </p>
<p>One thing that hasn’t been explored here much is the issue of finances. I have some friends who have been stay at home moms and are beginning to move into the empty next stage. And it’s not easy. The spouses have been working hard and the non-working spouses are struggling with how to fill their time. Or in some cases, filling their time with stuff that is just TOO much fun (beach time, tennis, etc). Disputes about this arrangement are starting to crop up. Especially when there’s ANY kind of strain on finances. </p>
<p>NSM, I think I remember you said you are currently not working. If that’s right, could this be playing into the passive aggressive behavior on the taxes? And maybe he’s not happy that his student trips are threatened due to money issues. I know this is just one small slice but resentment and pressure can build up and be corrosive. And it’s especially common to see this with guys who don’t like to communicate!</p>
<p>TrueLove, promise me one thing, please :). Copy your posts on this thread, better yet, copy the whole thread, and put it in a time capsule somewhere. Open it up after you have been married for 25 years and read what you wrote. I promise you that you will smile, perhaps laugh a little. And if CC still exists, come back here and post a follow up. Of course, I’ll probably be dead by then, but oh how I would love to read that.</p>
<p>Blankmind, interesting idea. It actually seems to me that if she does that and was in a slump in her marriage, that reading her post and following her own advice might recharge her marriage 25 years from now. I’m serious. Because the truth is, that often when one person in a marriage suddenly decides to “bless the socks off” the other person, it can change an ebb to a flow. People do like to feel appreciated and loved and often people who are feeling ignored (and I’m not referring to NSM) pull back. I wonder how many of us entered marriage with an enthusiasm and optimism similar to what Truelove has, if maybe with a different point of view. We probably viewed our husbands through the prism of that optimism. Optimism fades over time, we become weary from disappointment. A message from our younger selves might actually be a nice thing to have.</p>
<p>"NSM, I think I remember you said you are currently not working. If that’s right, could this be playing into the passive aggressive behavior on the taxes? And maybe he’s not happy that his student trips are threatened due to money issues. I know this is just one small slice but resentment and pressure can build up and be corrosive. And it’s especially common to see this with guys who don’t like to communicate! "</p>
<p>Anything is possible.</p>
<p>The history of my not working has to do with my not getting tenure in the department that both of us worked in. When he got the full professorship in the department, I had seen the advertisement and realized that either of us could have had a shot at the position as we both were executives in that field and had national reputations. We (a mutual decision) decided that he would apply since because he was male, he would have the best shot. Even when he applied and the college administration talked to me as part of vetting him, they said that either of us could have qualified for the position.</p>
<p>He came in with a promise of receiving tenure within 6 months. He got that promise because I had talked to friends in academia and learned from them what he should negotiate.</p>
<p>Long story short: The job involved our moving to another state. I was such a valued employee at the company where both of us had worked that I was offered a job in another city in the new state that would have put me on track to be an assistant VP. I had to commute by plane there every week. Our kids were 4, 8, and it was not possible for me to do that job while being the kind of mother that I wanted to be.</p>
<p>I ended up applying for an associate professorship in the department that H worked. I got the job. However, when it came time for tenure, I was turned down – to everyone’s surprise. My department voted for me, but I was turned down at a higher level due to some political things going on between my dean and the college president.</p>
<p>H and I decided not to move to a place where both of us could get good employment because our kids were in high school and middle school, and it would be a bad time to move them – and H was very happy with his job. We also assumed that since I had an excellent reputation, including nationally, I would be able to get good employment here.</p>
<p>We didn’t realize that where we live is a who-you-know place where people hire their friends from the in-state publics (which aren’t highly ranked) over people from elsewhere with better credentials.</p>
<p>I applied for jobs, tried to create jobs and did a variety of other things, but never could get jobs that were appropriate. It was heartbreaking. Even when I offered to work for free and then fund raise to create a position for myself with a nonprofit, that didn’t come through. With that organization, I even had managed to obtain a free ticket for me to fly to Africa to participate in a large conference related to that organization’s mission and in a location where the organization had a bureau. I was going to participate in the conference while not being paid, but the organization couldn’t find me housing there. </p>
<p>I had loved to work, and had always loved my jobs so much that I had never planned to retire. It was very difficult emotionally for me to not work. Filling up that emptiness in my life is what led me to become so involved in advocacy and the arts as I am now.</p>
<p>Anyway, basically I sacrificed my career for my husband’s. After I didn’t get tenure, I used to tell him every day how hard it was for me not to have a job. He would tell me things would get better.</p>
<p>When a couple of years ago, I finally said, “We have to move. I’ve tried over and over to get employment here, but nothing has happened,” he replied, “Where do you think I can get a job at my age (He’s 2 years older than me.)?” He had been very optimistic about my eventual chances for employment here, but when the onus was put on him, he sang a different tune.</p>
<p>I am now looking for work with nonprofits, and think that with the network I’ve developed over the past few years through my advocacy, that it is possible for me to find a job.</p>
<p>If H is resentful because I’m not employed, he has a lot of nerve because I literally sacrificed my working life for him. In addition, despite not getting tenure inthe department that he worked in, I continued to go to with him to the social events that the department hosted. If our situations had been reversed, I would not have wanted to continue working for a place that treated my spouse so badly, and I would not have been expecting him to attend social events with those people.</p>
<p>H never has had job problems so has no empathy for what it was like for me to lose a job. He has sympathy, but no empathy.</p>
<p>Wow. That’s a sad story NSM. You have my sympathy and my empathy. Somehow it is also the basis for your marital difficulties as it probably was for your depression. Anger and guilt aren’t good for intimacy.</p>
<p>I am so happy you have found these activities that fulfill you and that you can see a possibility for a better resolution in the future.</p>
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<p>That’s a great idea, it reminds my father, when I used to talk great things about my boyfriend [today my husband], my father used to say–“sweetheart, love is blind, nobody knows how the spouse will really be after the honeymoon passes. The nails will come out…meaning the real person will show up later.” </p>
<p>I love “truelove” because it remind me all of us in a younger state: uplifting, positive, righteous, the good…but without all the experience that years will provide. </p>
<p>In essence he wants to keep the marriage going on which it is wonderful. I want to come back and read his experiences too—because “life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get."</p>
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<p>NSTM…in certain way I relate to post 233…I’m in tears. Reading this post I admire you more by the second. Sometimes I swallow these things and you are super brave to post it here and making us to reflection about all these subjects.</p>
<p>I know you have a lot of talent: Have you tried to work from home?
Have you offered your services to different venues–universities school systems, creating your own services.</p>
<p>I fought with myself to not post after TrueLove’s first post on this thread. I’m sorry Greenery, but I do not find her (I thought she was a girl) posts “uplifting” or “positive”. Look at her posting history. “Righteous” is a good description and also very closed minded for someone so young. She does not have to agree with the opinions of others, but I’m not appreciative of her using her religious views to diminish their feelings and opinions. Even her apology to NSM wasn’t really an apology. She said “I apologize for the disrespect, whether warranted or not.” As soon as she added “whether warranted or not” she discredited her apology. </p>
<p>My wish for TrueLove is that she starts “hearing” the thoughts and opinions of others and learn they too have a place in our world. She doesn’t have to agree and her point of view has value, but she needs to leave room for other points of view. The world is not black and white.</p>
<p>"I know you have a lot of talent: Have you tried to work from home?
Have you offered your services to different venues–universities school systems, creating your own services. "</p>
<p>I’ve tried to do the above, but I am a bad entrepreneur. I get my energy from people, particularly helping people and being around people. </p>
<p>I’m trying to see now if I can work for nonprofits, possibly as an independent contractor working out of their offices.</p>
<p>Can I just have a little vent for a minute- it could be therapeutic, I’m not trying to divert the thread- but I can really relate to this.</p>
<p>If H is resentful because I’m not employed, he has a lot of nerve because I literally sacrificed my working life for him. In addition, despite not getting tenure inthe department that he worked in, I continued to go to with him to the social events that the department hosted. If our situations had been reversed, I would not have wanted to continue working for a place that treated my spouse so badly, and I would not have been expecting him to attend social events with those people.</p>
<p>I feel the same way although H work didn’t have social events- but you could substitute that for the way his family treats us.
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H worked swing shift for about the first 15 yrs of our marriage- started to get ready for work at 2pm, coming home at 1am- staying up till 4am ( this is when he drank) and sleeping practically till it was time to go to work again. When he finally changed shifts it was to the day shift and he got up at 4am- goes to bed t 7pm.
His job has lots of forced overtime- as much as three weekends a month- and he was too tired when he got home to really help with the kids or anything else.
I have worked off and on over the years- but they had to be * very flexible* because of his schedule which was difficult to find.</p>
<p>I would have liked to work more- I had been working on completing my degree off and on for years and while he thought he was being encouraging- if I actually asked him for a regular commitment to watch the kids or do something around the house so that I could study- he wouldn’t.
He didn’t seem to understand that if I had a regular job- he could find one that didn’t require him to work so much overtime and perhaps we could actually have some family life- time for our marriage!
Now that the kids are virtually grown- he still is in that mindset- if I ask him for a time commitment, he can’t- unless I actually do something like book a flight.</p>
<p>But that doesn’t work for doing stuff around the house, or just going out- if I express frustration/anger, he replies that if he didn’t work- then we wouldn’t have a place to live.</p>
<p>I appreciate that he works hard & I know it can be a pain to have to work so many weekends- but he also quite often talks about how he likes what he is doing- and he doesn’t really get that all these years- I would have * loved* to have had the opportunity to get out of the house and go to work and have someone else be responsible for the kids/house for a few hours ( not to mention to get the positive feedback rather than " I don’t like that- I don’t want that- leave me alone" + the paycheck 
)& now I am in tears- because now that I have time to work & found something that I really like ( landscaping), my arthritis/osteoporosis is so bad that I can’t because it hurts so much. ( which I am still working on getting help for)</p>
<p>WHew.
I feel better.</p>
<p>For TrueLove and other kids who are so idealistic that they are missing the * human* part of the human condition- I want to say your religious viewpoints are wonderful if they give you guidance- but others have just as much right and responsibility to have their own viewpoint for what gives them structure. Not everyone is Christian and I don’t feel we can judge others, or even really give good advice unless we have stood in their shoes.</p>
<p>I find that those who hold others to a unrealistic standard- often hold themselves to the same standard- which they are constantly beating themselves up for.
They are afraid to make any mistakes- and so they are afraid to live, because risk is part of life. What do we learn when everything is " perfect"? Not much, we learn when we make mistakes. 
Einstein was speaking ( perhaps) about scientific inquiry but it is very true when applied to how we are in the world as well.</p>
<p>I almost posted earlier and advised TrueLove to enjoy this time in her life when everything (in her mind, anyway) is cut and dried, black and white. That’s how I was right out of college, too, before I figured out how messy, complicated, and unfair the world can be. It is easy to view religion as a set of rules that cannot be broken; that’s how Jesus saw the the Pharisees living their lives. But truly loving one another requires compassion and a conscious decision to judge not lest ye be judged, to refrain from throwing the first stone, to refrain from being a Pharisee. Eventually I think you will figure that out, TrueLove.</p>