<p>Hugs to you, emeraldkity4. You didn’t derail the thread. You added to it.</p>
<p>NSM - Have you ever really forgiven your husband for accepting the sacrifice you made for your family? </p>
<p>Look, everyone’s situation is different. I too made sacrifices for our family. I was not as well-educated or as well known as you were, but they were sacrifices nonetheless. You did something truly beautiful and while you may regret it now, it is because it cost far more than you ever imagined at the time.</p>
<p>I do think what you are forgetting is that you only know the downsides of the choice you made. You have no idea how your life would have unfolded or what your children would be like if you had gone for your husband’s position or taken a different path when you didn’t get tenure. </p>
<p>I am not saying this is easy - I understand far more than you could ever imagine - but I think it is really, really important that you remember that the sacrifices you made weren’t just for him, but also for your family.</p>
<p>I also think you need to make sure you are not caught up in being the victim and blaming him for choices you made and for things for which you were responsible. In addition to acknowledge the sacrifices you made, you need to acknowledge the things he has done (keeping a paycheck coming in, supporting and encouraging you while you were not working and while you were suffering from depression).</p>
<p>"NSM - Have you ever really forgiven your husband for accepting the sacrifice you made for your family? "</p>
<p>I’ve pretty much forgiven him. What bothers me most about our marriage is the lack of sexual intimacy. I wonder if he feels resentful to me for not working even though it’s not my fault. In fact, I probably would be working if we had decided to move as a family after I didn’t get tenure.</p>
<p>The main reason that we didn’t move was that, as I used to tell people, “My husband loves his job.” He didn’t ask me to say that, but he didn’t dispute it either nor insist on going elsewhere after I didn’t get tenure at the place that granted him automatic tenure.</p>
<p>He really does love his job, and has no plans of retiring.</p>
<p>Again: the main issue that concerns me about our marriage is our years of lack of sexual intimacy, something that H has refused to address. He won’t give me an explanation and won’t talk to a doctor about it.</p>
<p>Again, NSM thanks for this thread. </p>
<p>Quote: the main issue that concerns me about our marriage is our years of lack of sexual intimacy, something that H has refused to address.</p>
<p>If this is a deal-breaker for you, have you told your husband specifically that because of this you are seriously considering divorce unless he addresses it? I would think (hope?) that he would work with you on this if he understood the seriousness of this for you. Of course, you would need to be absolutely certain that this is what you want–be careful what you wish for. You could end up alone for a very long time, with resentful adult children…</p>
<p>Good luck and best wishes to you.</p>
<p>Wow…that’s a tough history to deal with NSM. I wish you luck in finding a good role at a non-profit. Seems to me that you would be a find. 
</p>
<p>I know of a few couples right now who are struggling right now due to big changes in job situations. One past executive with a wife who was a stay at home mom for 20 years…both working in hourly retail jobs right now to make ends meet (college tuition!) NSM…I wonder if your H thinks you should get a job…any job…to help with the finances at this point. And perhaps he’s just not telling you that? Just a thought…I know you mentioned you are having some financial issues.</p>
<p>I have been reading this thread and it has really makes me think. One thing that keeps gnawing at me and seems to be clear is that I get the feeling that there is resentment on both sides. Until that is addressed, sexual intimacy will not be that simple.
It is just a symptom of a larger problem.
Witholding may be a way of exerting some control as well. But I feel that there is more to it than meets the eye.</p>
<p>on the other hand- sex is kinda like medication- - medication can get you to a place where therapy can start to take effect, and good sex can improve a bond and make verbal communication better.</p>
<p>We had a long- long time when we didn’t have sex-with each other.
I seriously do not know if H was faithful or not- and he really doesn’t want to talk about it much- other than to say , he couldn’t separate me as a woman with me as " the mother".
It was very , very hurtful, and it didn’t really matter how I dressed or what I did.
I stayed because I just couldnt’ believe that that phase would last so long.
( we had always had amazing sex before we were married ;)- but I did always have a higher drive than he did- which originally was a plus for me- because I was tired of boyfriends who didn’t have an * OFF * button)</p>
<p>NSM:
What about taking a vacation the two of you alone…but not mixing it with work…just a real and romantic vacation? Start with a weekend…not too far away from home.</p>
<p>Get your VS cute outfits, bring romantic music, go to dinner, walk around the town, bring some wine and candles, bring swimsuits, music and books for the pool only.</p>
<p>If there is more time plan the next small vacation in a romantic town: you can add a sport event, movies, theater…
Left all the baggage and problems behind…pretend you wrote them in a block of ice…</p>
<p>I love the idea of weekend getaways. However, it takes my hubby a full four days to unwind when we take off on vacations. About the time he gets loose, it’s time to go. Even the kids notice his stress.</p>
<p>While some marriage problems can be improved by weekend getaways, not all can, and some issues are actually made worse. I find that the Dr Laura approach to buy a new dress and have a romantic weekend a little insulting for marriages with long term conflicts in communication, personalities, and priorities.</p>
<p>When H and I tried this years ago, the first few hours we were on our best behavior, but by nightfall we were back to the old pattern. Real therapy was needed and changes on both of our parts that went much deeper than a new dress and a weekend away.</p>
<p>ETA: And, actually, I wouldn’t respect my husband much if he could ignore who I am inside, and how that conflicts with who he is, just because I got my hair done. (Sorry, not a Dr Laura fan.)</p>
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<p>That’s one possibility: that NSM’s husband secretly resents her for something or other, and therefore is withholding sex from her.</p>
<p>But from NSM’s description, Occam’s Razor tells us it’s a simpler situation: NSM’s husband at this point in his life doesn’t have much sexual desire. Difference in level of desire is a problem for a lot of marriages in our age group, but I think it’s important to realize there’s no right or wrong in this situation. There’s no right level of physical intimacy; it’s always going to be a subject for negotiation.</p>
<p>I should just mention that I’m a long distance cyclist – yep, I’m out there every weekend and some weekdays too, doing long rides with your husbands. The problems with bike seats are reputed to affect male performance, rather than male interest. So I doubt Mr. NSM’s bike riding is affecting his libido.</p>
<p>So I think NSM is better off approaching this as a marital problem, rather than a problem with her husband. Between them, they need to figure out a solution that works for both of them. And I concur with other posters that NSM needs to make it clear that this issue is threatening their marriage. It sounds like Mr. NSM is not especially good at picking up subtle nuances, so this means NSM needs to say, “Mr. NSM, if we can’t solve this problem, I will get a divorce,” without beating around the bush.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, you made a great career sacrifice for your husband’s sake, he has no reason to resent it. My husband did the same thing for me early in our relationship, he turned down a super good job with a huge pay increase to stay with me. I was flabberghasted that he would do this, I certainly didn’t ask him to. Then he got down on one knee and proposed to me! I have felt so honored in the 3 decades since, and since then, during the times when he got laid off, I was happy to support him both financially and spiritually until he got back on his feet. And he did the same thing for me when I needed it. Marriages change as the years go by, boredom can set in, and love can wane. Think back to why you fell in love with him in the first place. And why he fell in love with you. Love can be just as wonderful in the later years, the kids and their distractions are finally gone, and you can again concentrate your attention on each other. It is well worth the effort.</p>
<p>NSM - How do you think your spouse would respond if you handed him a printout of this thread and asked him to read it?</p>
<p>How do you think your spouse would respond if you handed him a printout of this thread and asked him to read it?</p>
<p>mine would think that a bunch a women were ganging up on him.</p>
<p>Mine would say that no one heard his side of the story and so immediately invalidate everything. He’s also say that I was less than objective in my description of things, etc.</p>
<p>He probably will be very upset…not a good idea. Usually men don’t like their personal matters discussed in public…maybe this virtually discussion will have the same effect.</p>
<p>Talking about intimacy-- those in their 50s: How often during the week, months or years, do you engage romantically?</p>
<p>Mine would poo poo it and say oh, you and your forums. I have been thinking about the sexual intimacy thing. For me there has to be kindness, friendliness, warmth…before I can contemplate sex…but withholding it for any length of time would lead to him walking out fairly soon; it is of major importance to him. Having sex though when you don’t like the person you are doing it with at the moment makes me wish for the very absence of sexual intimacy you are experiencing NSM.</p>
<p>NSM, have you tried marriage counseling? If your husband won’t go, have you tried going to a counselor on your own? A good counselor can give you insight and support that can help – while it takes two to tango, sometimes one partner can unilaterally bring about change in the relationship with a deeper understanding of the long-standing patterns that give rise to to feelings of anger and frustration. When partner #1 stops acting or responding in the same predictable way, then sometimes it forced partner #2 to change to keep up with #1. </p>
<p>Also - as a long-divorced woman… I have to tell you that divorce or separation isn’t going to resolve your sexual frustration unless you have Lothario waiting in the wings (and even if you do… he might not stick around for very long). I don’t know how old you are, but I’m an over-55 – I don’t think I’m bad looking and I’m probably in better shape physically than most women my age-- but the dating scene at this age is pretty dismal. </p>
<p>So while I understand that source of your frustration and your despair, I think that you still may be better off in the long run sticking with the guy you have as opposed to breaking it off, and ending up alone.</p>
<h2>But maybe you should consider some different options for your marriage. Your husband seems comfortable traveling on his own – maybe you should expand your career options and consider the possibility of employment that would involve living apart. Perhaps there would be more intimacy, not less, if you were seeing your husband only on weekends and vacations. So perhaps you could bring about some changes in your own life that would at least lead to your not feeling tied down by a seemingly disinterested husband. You might start by looking for short-term work that takes you to a different city – it would be a way of testing the waters in your relationship as well as to possibly restart your career.</h2>
<p>And in answer to Greenery’s question… as someone who is single, the answer is -0- - whether the measure is week, a month, or year. There’s just not much out there. I’ve also found that the men most interested in dating are much older – guys in their 60s or 70’s – and its hard for them to stay awake after 10 pm, much less get romantic. </p>
<p>So the point is, aside from the question of what is normal or desireable within a relationship… there’s not much happening for women our age without a relationship.</p>