<p>After 25 years of marriage I found myself in a similar place. There was nothing horribly wrong, but there was little affection, little passion and little connection. I talked to many people and realized this was more typical than not. Depressing.</p>
<p>So I read every self help book on the shelves and tried to reignite the marriage. We went to marriage counseling. We put in a genuine effort over a 2 year period. At the end of it, I asked for a divorce.</p>
<p>It was tough because we all crave security, but it became very clear to me that I was not going to have my best life with my ex husband. I don’t like to settle in any area of my life and this seemed an especially important one to not settle for mediocrity in.</p>
<p>Three years later I am a much, much happier person. I like my life ever so much more. My children comment on my new attitude, look and overall lightheartedness-they love it. I remember what it’s like to feel really alive, to feel the passion of new love, to have exciting plans. I feel decades younger.</p>
<p>The other night it struck me how much more similar my life is now to DD’s, a recent college grad. Her boyfriend was over as was mine and there were 4 people in that room excited to be with each other. We all talked about summer plans we were excited about because we would be doing them with someone we were really engaged with and excited to spend time with. We enjoyed a great couple of hours and than the couples were anxious to be alone. </p>
<p>Woke up this morning to a loving, affectionate email from bf, on business in Europe. This is what life should be like at every age!</p>
<p>Life is short, make your best effort and then live your best possible life no matter which direction it takes you in.</p>
<p>Thanks Redroses for sharing about your life.</p>
<p>“We take ballroom dance classes from time to time to no very good effect sadly!)”</p>
<p>We took ballroom dancing for almost a year. H would bike there from work. Even though our lesson always were scheduled long after his work should have been over, he almost always was late due to getting into conversations with students. He’d arrive late, have to change out of his biking clothes, and then be top stressed to enjoy the lesson.</p>
<p>Dancing with him was no fun. To me, the fun of dancing is the sensuality and intimacy of it as well as the sheer joy of moving. H would concentrate so hard on the steps that he paid no attention to me. He was always looking past me or at his feet. I tried to tell him that he didn’t need to be perfect, but I would appreciate it if he would look at me some time. He never seemed to understand. I’d try to smile and flirt at him, and he wouldn’t notice. Neither of us are great dancers, but that wasn’t what bothered me. The lack of fun and intimacy was what made the experience a downer for me. I also was ticked that he almost always was late.</p>
<p>I just want to say how impressed I am with everyone for being so willing to share their stories. As our first prepares to fly the coop, I’ll admit that I have wondered whether our marriage, which has been so kid-centered, will survive/thrive/whatever.</p>
<p>I truly ask this sincerely. How can we be sure before we “break things” that anything new will be more sustainable than the past? It’s always great in the beginning, so I guess the question is how can we know that the “middle” will be better with someone else.</p>
<p>“Maybe they know each other from these marathon rides! (Not that they would discuss any of this stuff.)”</p>
<p>If they’re like my husband, they would discuss their bike equipment and times and things like the Tour de France, but wouldn’t learn if they had families, etc. My husband knows people whom he considers friends, and he doesn’t even know if they are married or have kids. I know more about people whom I’ve sat next to during a concert than he knows about people whom he has worked with for years or has participated in long biking events with.</p>
<p>Married to overeducated workaholic here. Boy, does this resonate. Need to gather my thoughts, but some of the suggestions and books here are going on my to-do list!</p>
<p>I have nothing to add to this thread obviously but I’ve read some of the posts here but as a guy who wants to get married someday, I’ll definitely try and keep in the back of my mind what’s been said about workaholics, disinterested husbands etc…</p>
<p>"I truly ask this sincerely. How can we be sure before we “break things” that anything new will be more sustainable than the past? "</p>
<p>When I think about divorcing, I don’t think about replacing my marriage with another romance. I’d be fine living by myself or a female roommate. I think I’d prefer that than continuing living with a husband in a situation that is like a cordial roommate situation.</p>
<p>I would like to suggest that a brief separation might be a valuable option, to explore what it REALLY feels like living apart. I wonder if the reality of living apart would be eye opening for you as a couple. I’ve seen couples imagine life alone, and then find the reality is not as they imagined, sometimes it can be wonderfully freeing, but otoh it also sometimes awakens one partner to see what the marriage IS actually providing…</p>
<p>Another lurker reading this thread with great interest. We did the Gottman’s two-day workshop a few years ago and flunked it.</p>
<p>One book I’ve read that approached things in a different way is “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It first explains how bad it is to be stuck between committing to your marriage or leaving it, then gives a framework to make the decision on which way to go. Rather than looking at decision making as lists of pros and cons, it approaches it as a series of diagnostic questions. This method has helped me make other, less important, decisions when I’ve been stuck, but on this one I’m still on the fence.</p>
<p>Lived alone for about a year recently while H was on sabbatical abroad. I had an extremely happy, fulfilled life filled with fun activities and friends. </p>
<p>I don’t know how happy H was, but when he returned, despite our long absence from each other, he immediately dove into work (he returned about 2 days before the start of the semester at the college where he teaches) and preparing for a 100-mile bike race. </p>
<p>After he had gotten his class prep done – about a week after he had returned – I suggested that we go to dinner, and he brought along a large folder filled with his ideas for the student project he’s now off doing. He was surprised when I suggested that he put it away so we could catch up with each other. The conversation between us was very, very awkward. For me, it was just painful.</p>
<p>so you’ve already discovered what it would be like for you…I agree NSM that does sound painful. from your description of that dinner seems even friendly interaction isn’t there…</p>
<p>I don’t have any personal experience but one of my good friend from college does. My friend is the husband although I am friends with his wife too.</p>
<p>They have been married for 15 years with 2 children. The husband is content but the wife is not. The husband’s side of the story. He tried very hard to save his marriage which he highly values. But no matter what he does, it doesn’t seem enough for his wife. After 2 years of marriage counseling, the wife wanted a divorce. The husband is tired of trying to please her and thought it would good also. The wife moved out on her own for about 6 months. But she figured out that her life is not better without husband/children. She moved back a couple months ago. I am not sure how things are working out now.</p>
<p>Only you know if you will be happier with your husband or move on on your own.</p>
<p>I don’t have anything too riveting to add… However, a few years ago, a woman I shared an office with told me that if I ever left my husband there would be a line of women waiting for him. Zoosermom and I are married to the same guy. Good father, hard worker, brings me flowers, but doesn’t talk to me. I wish you the best Northstarmom.</p>
<p>i am the loneliest wife i know. my husband is totally unaware of how lonely i have become. i’m not a sit at home alone kind of lonely, i am lonely because i can’t ever seem to communicate with my husband. i am very private and don’t discuss a lot of my feelings with others. i’d like to be able to share with my husband, but it never happens. he has some sort of add that kicks in whenever i start talking. makes me very lonely.</p>
<p>i read, i golf, i go to lunch, i have lots of friends. but i am lonely. i think that is my version of a marriage midlife crisis. being married but feeling lonely.</p>
<p>I think that part of deciding to leave has got to be deciding it would be fine with you to be alone. </p>
<p>There is of course no guarantee it will be better the second time, and in fact, second marriage divorce rates are higher than first.</p>
<p>BUT, for thoughtful women and men, I think the opportunity is there to choose better than we did when we were young. By better I mean a better fit. And a good fit for this stage in life. </p>
<p>Women are lead to believe they will be lonely and women will line up for men. I’m here to tell you men line up too, and there are lots of great divorced men out there.</p>
<p>wbow, saying those simple words was a very powerful thing for my husband. I just looked him in the eye and said “I am lonely.” He later told me that it really blew his mind because those words have so much emotional resonance.</p>
<p>I also have an introverted husband who is a highly-educated distance cyclist! His parents were also (at least in my view) cold people and somewhat humorless. GOOD people, but SO different from my family of origin (which certainly had its own issues). I was used to laughing a lot and everyone vomiting out all their emotions and concerns.<br>
My husband also has “friends” with whom he can discuss bike gears, but would truly not mind if he never saw another human for the rest of his life. He is PERFECTLY content building bicycles or computers and hanging out with the dog and cats. He has a good time when we socialize with people (always my friends/co-workers/neighbors) and everyone likes him, but I feel that I carry the whole ball in terms of our interaction with others. Sometimes it gets old. The upside is that he keeps the house, cars, computers and financial chores all running. We do share some interests and enjoy TV shows and sports. I realized after a real low point about 15 years ago that my need for socialization is much stronger than his and I would have to get it met elsewhere. Sometimes it works and I am happy with my girlfriends, running friends and coworkers and sometimes I wish I had a storybook marriage. I think this issue is a very common one for our age group and there are no easy answers.
At one point we had planned to retire to a fairly small (but not tiny or isolated) town in Colorado where we would not have close neighbors. As my husband became more introverted, I realized that I would NOT be happy without a strong social network outside of the marriage. We scrapped the Colorado plan. He can build his dream house (energy efficient, green etc) but it has to be around PEOPLE for me!</p>