Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Booklady · June 22, 2010, 2:56pm

zoosermom’s first post might have been mine, except that our difficult time was about 10 years ago (we’ll also be married 25 years later this year). I certainly didn’t want a divorce, but I was terribly lonely and knew that something would have to change. H is a wonderful man in most ways: a fabulous father, an excellent provider, a man of great integrity, no problems in the drinking/drug/women area, etc. But he was not very good at being affectionate with me or taking my needs into consideration. He’s also something of a workaholic.

We too had a long night of tears, recriminations, and explanations, and many months of groping to a new way of being with each other. It was a very cathartic and necessary step we had to take.

Despite the fact that I generally hate self-help books, I was desperate enough that I read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which explains that each of us develops his or her own vocabulary to express love. For some it might be acts of service or physical touch. For others it’s words of affirmation, while for others it’s giving gifts or quality time together. The trouble is that we usually try to use our own language to express love, while the other person often needs a different approach. And we can fail to appreciate the love that is being shown to us when it’s in a different ‘language’. H wouldn’t read the book, but I told him the gist of it, and we agreed to try speaking the other person’s language for a while. It helped enormously, as did learning to see when love was being expressed, even if it wasn’t in our language. It sounds very artificial, and it was for a while, but some of it seeped into the relationship and has remained.

Yes, this. H is never going to be as spontaneously affectionate or appreciative of me as I’d like, but once we were able to be brutally honest with each other (and of course I had my own issues that he felt made me distant from him, that I’ve had to work on) we recommitted to our marriage and things have been quite good ever since. Our youngest goes off to college this fall, and I’m very hopeful for the future.

Northstarmom, I wish you all the best during this time. I know how difficult it can be. And my H goes on 100-mile bike rides as well…

Redroses · June 22, 2010, 3:15pm

Out of many girlfriend’s, I only have one that speaks of real affection and passion in her marriage although a recent study showed that half of marriages have these things.

What should we expect from life? Is it too much to want ongoing passion? To expect to be actively interested in each other and to have many moments of joy that are just about you as a couple?

dstark · June 22, 2010, 3:19pm

I would be really careful about the divorce thing…

It will have a large affect on the kids…even if they are older.

A friend of mine’s wife asked for a divorce. My friend was against it at first. A month later…the wife wants to get back together. The kids, and they aren’t really kids anymore, chose him. Now the wife is feeling lonely and its too late. Now my friend is happy with the divorce idea and can’t wait for the divorce to become final.

Men and women are different in so many ways. As far as different interests…this doesn’t bother me…I want my wife to do anything that makes her happy…I’m not going to play soccer 3 times a week. We’re in our 50’s for god’s sake. But if that is what she wants to do…I say go for it. I support her and anything she wants to do…she has to realize that we’re different, and I’m not going to do many things she likes. (She does). You’re not going to see her on CC. My wife likes to go to parties…well…I’ll go to 33% of them …after that …I say…have fun…

The physical intimacy issue…to me…that is a must have. I don’t know how to restart this up…except…

I look at my wife and I see that she is a person…and she is spending her life with me…which is about as big as it gets…and she is only going to be on this earth a very short time…everything is temporary…so I want to treat her with kindness and respect…I feel treating somebody with kindness, respect and respecting her individuality works wonders.

Good luck Northstarmom…

fendrock · June 22, 2010, 3:20pm

This time of life is financially stressful, which takes its toll on marriages.

Huge sums of money are required to pay for college. Fear looms of losing a job and having to find a new one at midlife. Retirement is just around the corner.

This can lead to preoccupations that make it difficult to put aside worries and retreat into passionate love…

zoosermom · June 22, 2010, 3:33pm

No, I don’t think it’s too much to ask It’s a question of what you’re willing to do to get it and whether the partner is receptive. I am a very, very, very physically demonstrative person. My husband didn’t really comprehend that in any meaningful sense for, literally, decades. At one point I said to him “do you not notice that I can’t keep my hands off the kids?” Always kissing, hugging, patting. I told him that I’d love to be kissy-huggy with him, but he didn’t allow it. He worked on that. He is not really physically affectionate on his own, but he seems to get that I need to express myself that way. As far as passion, if one is willing to take the initiative with creativity, activities, other things, to direct exactly the life we want it can be very empowering and freeing. Some men are very happy to be led. I never expected to be in control of affection and whatnot because, to be brutally honest, I was a bombshell when I was younger and thought I was cute enough to never have to work for it. Working for it’s not so bad. I’m also a control freak, so there it is.

You also have to really listen to what the partner’s non-negotiables are. For my hubby, it was for me to let a lot of things go and not harp on them. I learned to really prioritize and ignore whatever I could. I found that gave me the authority to say “this is so important that I’m bringing it to your attention” and be listened to carefully. Letting go of things like that also means not having to deal with them, myself, which makes my life a lot less complicated. He also feels that I heard what he had to say and valued him enough to do what he asked.

emeraldkity4 · June 22, 2010, 3:35pm

I have been with H since I was 18- pretty much- except for when we were separated- for almost two years- he is/was an alcoholic and while he had gone through recovery ( about 13 years ago), I had made the commitment to myself and the kids- that if he started using alcohol/drugs again- he was out.

He did really good for a while- over a year, but then I found out that he had been smoking pot- a lot of it IMO & since my kids had special needs- since his hours were horrible ( swing shift), he was just not pulling his weight IMO & I asked him to leave.

He was only too happy to. He moved in with his parents which is where he learned to use in the first place- when I or the kids would call him, his parents wouldn’t tell him.
He saw them about every other weekend- and occasionally during the week.
I cannot stress how difficult that was- because I still loved him- plus I needed his help especially with the kids- and I was very depressed /suicidal.
He came back- only because he was forced to because I was arrested.
:rolleyes:
He had just worked on my car- and when I was on the bridge on the way to see my mother- the fan belt broke- I called my mother to ask for the # of a tow company & she lit into me- about all the things I was doing wrong with my marriage.
Mothers really know how to push your buttons & because I was very angry ( and because we had the family history of my father taking an overdose and my mother not calling 911, because she wanted to teach him a lesson), I asked her " I suppose you think I should just kill myself because I have such a sucky life?". Then I hung up.
I called her back immediately- but she was already on the phone to the police telling them of my threat. Because they didn’t respond how she wanted- she told them that I had threatened the kids- so when I arrived back at my house- there was the police to arrest me & the police also had taken my kids out of their schools.
I was required to have no contact ( and later only supervised contact) with my own children while the wheels of justice ground down.
So- my H was forced to move back to our house since I wasn’t able to take care of them.
It took several months- and required me to have extensive psychiatric workups- but note that nothing was required to justify my mothers claim.

I really don’t remember why I went off on this tangent- but to say that - marriage is a lot of work!

whatever4 · June 22, 2010, 3:38pm

I am a believer in the “ebbs and flows” theory of marriage. To me, it’s kind of like faith. Sometimes I feel God’s presence very strongly and clearly in my life, other times I am consumed by doubts. But I have found that even when I have doubts, if I keep going through the motions – praying and going to church – eventually my faith and God’s presence in my life returns. That is how it has worked with my love for my husband, too. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts, other times he can drive me nuts. But if when I am ticked off at him, I keep believing and reminding myself that I will love him dearly again, eventually I do. How does that saying go? “I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in God even when He is silent. I believe in love even when I feel it not.” To be honest, however, I have never seriously considered divorcing my husband and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. After 30 years, he still makes me laugh, he still makes me feel cherished, and he still makes my heart flutter. What more can I ask for? (This all might make me sound like a right-wing religious fanantic, which I am not by any stretch of the imagination.)

Over the years one thing I have figured out is that if we are squabbling or not feeling close emotionally, I don’t feel like having sex with him. Conversely, he’s more apt to be emotionally intimate and open with me if we are having sex regularly. (He is always interested in having sex.) So if things are tanking between us, it’s a matter of deciding whether we are going to have sex and then get things right otherwise, or try to get things right otherwise so we (I) feel like having sex.

About six years ago, a good friend announced she was divorcing her husband for many of the same reasons you have identified, NSM. He had basically tuned out on the marriage (although when she said she wanted a divorce, he said he would go to counseling, and wanted to work on improving the marraige – things he had indicated no interest in previously.) She had already made her decision. I supported her decision because I am her friend and I knew she had not reached it lightly. And while I think she would say she is happier now, I don’t know if she really is. Financially she is in pretty bad shape, and she has often told me she is lonely – still. Since her divorce she has been engaged once and has had long-term relationships with one or two other men – all of whom had messy pasts and who were just as “flawed” in their own way as her ex-husband. Right now she’s in love with a divorced man who is still living (unhappily) with another woman but who hasn’t gotten around to breaking it off with this other woman (whose house he is living in). I want to be supportive, but I have a hard time seeing how this is an improvement relationship-wise.

I wish you the best, NSM. I would not be willing to live the rest of my life unhappily, either, but before you make a decision to end the marriage, I encourage you to make sure you and your husband are not just in an “ebb.” Take an extended trip together. Try a different marriage counselor. Take a gourmet cooking class together, or start walking or biking together on a regular basis. (I know some of these things cost money, but they ARE cheaper than a divorce.) After doing everything you can to jumpstart this marriage, if things are still bad, then consider divorce.

intparent · June 22, 2010, 3:50pm

When I look back (4 years later) on divorce from my ex-H, now that the dust has settled I can see that there were two major issues that really killed our marriage.

(1) Fundamentally he is not a kind person. No amount of counseling, talking, or working through issues could change that I did not like the core personality of the person I was married to. NSM, fortunately, I don’t see any evidence of that in your posts.

(2) We just didn’t have enough common interests/time together. I don’t think couples have to do everything together. But something shared, preferably with experiences or learning involved, would be important to me if I ever got married again. Travel, bird watching, kayaking, cooking – something like that. Where we were doing or learning new things together, to help keep some freshness in our relationship.

Silvermoonlock · June 22, 2010, 3:52pm

The running theme is communication. Men and women communicate differently. The only thing I can add, is this…When we were dating, we were at a party and apparently Hubby wasn’t giving me the attention I thought I deserved. He was alert enough to get that I was upset about something, but he didn’t know what it was.

25 years ago, my (then boyfriend) husband told me, he couldn’t read minds. I paused and then started laughing. I did, indeed, expect him to know why I was upset. Granted, he has uttered few gems in the past 25 years, but that one, was and still is a winner!! We both have to remind each other that we are not mind readers.

When we hit those bumps in the road, the honesty must come out. Sometimes it is not pretty in the moment, but the result makes it worthwhile.

Good luck to you.

Indiana91 · June 22, 2010, 3:52pm

I respect the “ebb and flow” of some marriages, but others just haven’t had much good for years. At some point, many couples just are happy with their own interests and don’t have anything to connect on. While there may not be anything too horrible (affairs, addiction, etc) which would point to an obvious answer, at what point is the lack of anything good enough to look for a change?

A friend is in a marriage where she and her husband just don’t interact. They are in a large house, each keeps to a separate floor, and they can go for days without seeing each other. They each have their own lives and are happy. Is this better than a divorce?

Pea · June 22, 2010, 4:07pm

This would describe my grandparents. It turned out they would have gotten divorced but it was the 1950s so they didn’t. These days so many couples get divorced and I think it is because they can, these days they don’t have to stay together necessarily.

NorthStarMom, from your posts I can see that you are really unhappy with the way things are right now and this has been your reality for years and it might be more than a trough in the marriage framework. I would encourage you to see a therapist by yourself to help you sort out what you want to do.

Elleneast · June 22, 2010, 4:18pm

Wow, this is a remarkable thread. If Tipper and Al had the opportunity to read it perhaps they would still be together.

I have learned a few things to try in the hopes of making communication within my marriage better. My husband and I have been building up to a significant discussion for some time. The H is a really good man who is totally oblivious to the fact that successful marriages require some effort…and now that we are empty-nesters the gaps in our marriage are glaring. (What is the deal with all of these bike riders?..my husband is a bicyclist as well.)

I want to thank everyone for the honesty. It really helps to hear how others have tried to deal with difficult marital issues. Best wishes to NSM.

momma-three · June 22, 2010, 4:27pm

I saw your post and wanted to say that so many of us in long marraiges have gone through these difficult times. There were two times specifically that I did’nt think our marraige would make it. First, was when one of our children was diagnosed with a critical illness as a child. My husband shut down and could not seem to handle the illness or the pain. I jumped into action and felt like I left him in the dust. It took several years to get to a point where we regained our relationship and there were many times that I thought we were headed for divorce. Once we finally made each other understand how we both felt the pain but could only deal with it in the way we each knew, did we come to forgive one another for the distance we had put between us.

The second crisis was when my husband lost his lucrative job and we were about to lose our home and were going through all of our savings. He became immobilized and depressed. I watched him sit around for three years until one day I said I just could not do it anymore. I was building a business that he was unfamilar with and then I had a ah ha moment. I began to inlist his help with everything I hated to do. It happened to be all the things he enjoyed doing. He was in charge of all the marketing and form letters that the business needed. From there he began to take on other tasks until he eventially viewed the business as ours and became excited about growing it. I think men sometimes feel that they can remain the same and we as women will accept this static life. I saw my huband as giving up but he saw himself as having no options. Once I understood how he felt I was able to adjust my thinking and be a more inclusive person. Today he is not just my husband and lover but my business partner in the true sense of the word.

We never saw a therapist because my stubbern husband would not go to one. What kept us together was how wonderful he always was…that gave me the incentive to not let go. You may want to suggest therapy but I would also suggest finding something that the two of you can share together. It should be something that will be exciting for both of you. After spending so many years together it seems silly to end something that started on a good foundation. I wish you all the best…hugs to you.

esobay · June 22, 2010, 4:31pm

NSM … hugs and support.

Mid-life crisis has a name because it is a real thing, for whatever reason.
My marriage also had some tough times and I can say that it became just bulldog stubborn not to get a divorce… because my H is a great-guy, wonderful dad, and he tried, once I got his attention. A lot of the last wave of hard times was on me because menopause made me a short tempered, cross / irritable devil.

You have to make your own choice, of course. But I urge you to consider your kids. If you can have a “civil” divorce where you can go to the same parties, then perhaps you can work it out to stay together. For myself, part of the reason I would not let go and get divorced is that if we divorced there would be no civility. And my parents got divorced right after I got married (I’ve been married now more than 30 years) and it STILL hurts that they are divorced… that there are separate Christmases. That one is left home alone while we visit the other (and both did remarry, but still…) I personally hate it that they divorced, even though at the time I was glad they divorced before one killed the other And that was a possibility. And I am a so called “grown up”. They managed to attend 2 weddings and one graduation party without their heads exploding, but everyone was tense over them.

But still, I shake my head and say if you can be civil, you can work out staying together.

And I hear and respect some of the other choices, too. I see very happy friends that were absolutely FREED by getting divorced from a wrong guy.

Gottahavawawa · June 22, 2010, 4:33pm

Okay I don’t actually have any experience with this kind of stuff, but if I were you, I’d suggest at least waiting until your kids finish with school so that you don’t hurt them with a move like that. Also, maybe try finding an acitivity that you both enjoy? I know it sounds cliche, but in my experience it has worked, it might just take some time.

Redroses · June 22, 2010, 4:33pm

As many professionals who weighed in on Tipper and Al concluded, many people just grow apart. Sure, for some it’s about communication, for others about something else that can be fixed. But we need to accept that for the Gores and many others, separating may indeed be the answer to happier lives.

I especially take exception to the thought of staying together for older kids. It can be very good to model for kids what real happiness looks like and that if you make a mistake you don’t have to suffer forever.

Kids of all ages will be initially upset when their parents divorce. The may initially choose a side. But if it’s a healthy family, everyone will accept things soon enough.

Whatever, there will always be women who make stupid choices. My single friends and I have found that there are wonderful men out there if that’s what you seek and you also have a lot to offer. Why wouldn’t there be?

What I’m curious about is why so many believe that it’s not worth it to go for the gold.

esobay · June 22, 2010, 4:44pm

Redroses… we see a different color of gold is all.

And I don’t know how true it is that “kids” can adjust. Of course it LOOKS like they adjust. Humans can adjust to many many things. Many friends have heard me say I am glad my parents got divorced rather than doing murder. But inside IT STILL HURTS. They were absolutely modeling how NOT to be happy, but they did model how to be happy for far longer. If everything about the marriage is unhappy, or even a majority of it is blah, then yes, perhaps one might be happier divorced.

On the other hand, if one is married to a “great guy” then perhaps one will not be happier divorced. and the kids won’t be happier IMHO, even when old enough to be independent from their parents.

whatever4 · June 22, 2010, 5:00pm

Redroses, another question is what happens when the gold tarnishes the next time, when you grow apart from the next “wonderful man” you find? As has been noted previously in this thread, the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than it is for first marriages, yet so many people think that all it takes is switching partners to strike gold.

NSM, I know this is not completely relevant to your situation since you indicated you are not really interested in moving on to another relationship. And you have indicated you are not happy. However, Indiana91 posted:

If “they each have their own lives and are happy,” why should you be concerned about whether it is “better than divorce”? If they are happy and are not contemplating divorce, why are you bringing it up?

Redroses · June 22, 2010, 5:03pm

Lots of things in life hurt, but I know my kids would like to see me live a full life with real love, passion and a partner to happily grow old with. And I want the same for them.

Whatever, you’re right that so many people think it’s easy to just switch partners. But there are those who carefully choose and find real happiness too. Any relationship will have ups and downs, the honeymoon period will never last forever. But many who chose wrong the first time get it right the second.

heyalb · June 22, 2010, 5:06pm

I think many people already have the gold. But the passing of time in a long-term marriage has a tendency to mask that. When I first drove my brand new 1989 Honda, I was so careful to dote on it, polish it, love it. And of course it had that wonderful “new car smell”. Those early days were so exciting!

It’s still a wonderful car, but lately it smells a little musty. And I hit the lawn mower with it a few years back, and it still has that dent I never fixed. WHOA!! Hold on there — is that a cute 2010 BMW beckoning to me? I feel so sexy sitting in its seat, shifting its stick shift. Those leather seats recline, and this car doesn’t fart like my old Honda.

This is what’s known as the passing of time. It happens to cars, houses, t-shirts, food in the refrigerator, and relationships. Personally, relationships are at the tippy-top of my list, and the one I have with my husband is paramount. And by the way, that sexy 2010 BMW that almost kicked my Honda out of the garage will be old and smelly some day as well. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

When our kids were young, my husband and I had a Saturday night sitter every single weekend, and we paid her even if we couldn’t go out. We did whatever ---- a run, dinner, maybe a movie; no big whoop. When our kids were old enough to not need a sitter, we still kept up the tradition of Saturday date night. Now that the kids are out of the house, all that Saturday night practice of talking to each other has paid off. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it works. Just like my Honda.

Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

CONNECT WITH US