<p>NSM,</p>
<p>In post 16 you mentioned physical intimacy being a problem. Sometimes there is a medical reason for a change for one or both partners…low testosterone for men, low estrogen or even the BC pill for women. </p>
<p>Ruling out any medical problems might help things in this area.</p>
<p>I agree, Redroses. But getting a divorce does not guarantee that you will end up with real love, passion and a partner to happily grow old with, just as marrying your first spouse did not guarantee that.</p>
<p>From everything you’ve said NSM it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. As someone who is divorced and remarried, I think you need to make a decision one way or another. When you waffle, you’re miserable. Once you’ve made up your mind, IMO, you’ll start down a path and you’ll feel better. Are you worried that you’ll really hurt your DH when you tell him you want a divorce? It sounds like money is one of your issues–maybe working on that together and coming to a livable arrange on spending will alleviate some problems. Why don’t you take over the finances/taxes if you’re unhappy with how that’s working out. Good luck. Divorce is a painful process, but you do recover.</p>
<p>I doubt the money issue is going to get better with a divorce.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.brighthub.com/money/personal-finance/articles/64210.aspx[/url]”>http://www.brighthub.com/money/personal-finance/articles/64210.aspx</a></p>
<p>I truly feel that each marriage is different and that kids (even adult kids) are also different in their reactions. My parents had a miserable marriage (my mother an early “working mom” and my father still a typical 50’s dad) and I wished that they would go their separate ways and find happiness in their later years.</p>
<p>ITA with Bromfield that coming to a decision, regardless of which way, is better then staying undecided. My friend who never sees her husband says that there is always a little nagging voice in her head saying that they should try to reconnect or move on, and that will be there as long as they are in that limbo.</p>
<p>Great girls and guys, as a percentage of the population, can be very hard to find. I have a friend that’s a great guy: money, looks (though he’s short), great job, an artist (he does shows with his work) and an engineer, owns his home outright. He has dated a ton of women and his complaints are that a lot of women aren’t fit in his age range, that they basically want someone to raise their kids, that they are emotional wrecks, that they are not over their ex-husbands, etc. He regrets breaking up with his wife. They are still good friends but they had different ideas on where they wanted to go in life.</p>
<p>If you list the good things about your spouse and then list the bad things, what’s the percentage of bad vs good? Are you going to find someone else out there that matches your spouses good list and also satisfies the one or two areas which your husband doesn’t provide? I think that that’s statistically unlikely. You also know your spouse and his/her character and it sounds like you’re happy with that. You don’t know the skeletons in the closets of those that you’re dating.</p>
<p>Maybe I sound too much like an accountant.</p>
<p>But we often don’t know what we have until we lose it.</p>
<p>"n post 16 you mentioned physical intimacy being a problem. Sometimes there is a medical reason for a change for one or both partners…low testosterone for men, "</p>
<p>Unfortunately, he has refused to talk to his doctor about this even though I’ve let him know that if there’s a medical problem, I would be supportive, and would do what I could to assist. My impression based on his actions and reactions is that he’s perfectly happy with a marriage that lacks physical intimacy. </p>
<p>In fact, my impression is that he is very happy with our marriage. I’ve asked him if he has any concerns and if there’s anything that he wishes that I would change. He wishes that I would morph into a sports fan, but except for that, he has no complaints. He says I’ve been a good wife and mother. </p>
<p>Our marriage seems better than his parents’ marriage. His mother is a nonstop talker about absolutely nothing (Drives my husband crazy, too). She prattles nervously all day. Her husband watches TV all day and says very little. He has a hearing problem, and I don’t think he hears most of what she says. They have been “happily married” for about 60 years.</p>
<p>My parents seldom talked to each other, and when they did talk, it ended up in loud, verbally abusive arguments.</p>
<p>BC Eagle, </p>
<p>I would have to agree with you.</p>
<p>Everyone needs to fully examine what will make them happy. For me, in all honesty, while I want to find THE ONE for life, I would be happier being a serial monogamist than married to my ex. </p>
<p>After my divorce I was in a 2 year relationship. He wasn’t the one, but he taught me so much I didn’t really know having married at 21. I learned there were men who could fully emotionally connect, I learned about real passion (at amost 50!). Then I dated some very nice men who helped me see other things I would like to have in a relationship-real interest in what they do, a love of certain activities, a happy soul.</p>
<p>I’ve been in a new relationship for 5 months now. He isn’t perfect (anyone remember my terrible dresser thread?) but he is a lot of what I want. And he puts a spring in my step. Not because he’s the BMOC and to die for like the guy I married at 21, but because we have so many common intellectual interests we never turn on a TV or go to the movies because we have so much to talk about. Because I admire who he is, what he does and how he raised his kids alone. And because there is communication, shared interests, passion, laughter.</p>
<p>He also may end up not being the one, but I’m sure enjoying the journey. I have friends who would not enjoy the journey and we all have to carefully examine the potential outcomes of our choices. For me, there’s no question my choice was the right one.</p>
<p>And the part about no good people out there, I’m really wondering who your friends are. I am very choosy-looking for highly educated, attractive, fit, reasonably successful professional men and there is absolutely no shortage of them in my neck of the woods for women who also offer these qualities.</p>
<p>NSM,</p>
<p>That may very well be the problem. If he has a low testosterone count - which happens - he isn’t missing why he doesn’t need the physical intimacy. You can’t recognize what you don’t know is lost. Sex is a big part of most relationships. Too bad he has a hard time understanding this. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>Lists of good and bad qualities can be deceiving because of the relative importance. An obvious example is a list of dozens of good things about your H with only one bad… but the bad one is that you fear for your life. This is not the case in NSM’s marriage, but if there is one must-have on the list of bad qualities, all of the good qualities may not measure up.</p>
<p>A therapist once told me to decide what my must-haves were, communicate them to my H, and go from there. Simple, right? :-)</p>
<p>Oh my… no intimacy? I guess for me that would be a deal-breaker.</p>
<p>But you said he’s a long-distance cyclist, too… I find myself wondering about what kind of seat he’s using. Without getting too anatomical, I know that some seats compress certain nerves and can cause damage. (Our business is selling bicycle parts. A lot of men spend a lot of time (and money) searching for the right seat.)</p>
<p>I hadn’t even considered the cycling. That is a very real possibility.</p>
<p>RedRoses – thanks so much for a hopeful view of life-after-divorce!</p>
<p>Isn’t it strange that a man can be in his own little world and think everything is great when the woman is lonely and miserable? Yep, happens to a lot of us. How do you solve it? I am still working on that myself.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>dmd - you definitely know your business. A quick scan of Medline confirms that this could be a problem:</p>
<p>[The</a> vicious cycling: bicycling related urogenital … [Eur Urol. 2005] - PubMed result](<a href=“The vicious cycling: bicycling related urogenital disorders - PubMed”>The vicious cycling: bicycling related urogenital disorders - PubMed)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>and</p>
<p>[Great</a> balls of fire and the vicious cycle: a study… [J Fam Plann Reprod Health Care. 2002] - PubMed result](<a href=“Great balls of fire and the vicious cycle: a study of the effects of cycling on male fertility - PubMed”>Great balls of fire and the vicious cycle: a study of the effects of cycling on male fertility - PubMed)</p>
<p>and so on…</p>
<p>Yes, for all I know, his bike riding could be causing medical problems, but he has never indicated to me he has those kind medical problems, and he isn’t willing to talk to a doctor about such things. :(</p>
<p>Is he willing to go to a doctor?</p>
<p>Because, at one point, my husband was having horrible snoring problems and he just wouldn’t do anything about it. (I sometimes think this was the actual issue in our marriage 
Not even kidding.)</p>
<p>I went with him to the doctor and told the doctor that his snoring was keeping me up at night. We got it taken care of.</p>
<p>Now, I realize the other is a little bit more personal, and he might feel ambushed, but does he have ANY idea you are considering leaving him? </p>
<p>Believe me, nobody was more surpised than my husband when I told him how I was really truly feeling and that I would be leaving when the kids left if things didn’t change, that I loved him, but I was lonely and didn’t feel connected anymore. You’d have thought we were having two entirely different marriages, he and I, by how blissfully happy he was. I’m not even kidding.</p>
<p>I hope you will talk to him. Worse case, he does the same thing he’s been doing and you make your choices based on that. Best case, he pays some attention and makes some changes. </p>
<p>FWIW, I also agree with Redroses and do not think that I would just stay married, nor would I “need” a partner to get on with my life, though god knows I’ve had plenty of offers over the years, but being lonely WITH someone is just yucky. IMO.</p>
<p>I agree with poetgrl that you should tell your husband that you are lonely, unhappy, in need of more intimacy, and considering divorce BEFORE you make any decision about divorce. My friend suffered relatively silently while her neglectful, oblivious spouse had no idea how abandoned she felt. Eventually, after seeing a therapist alone (because he didn’t want to go to one), she decided she wanted a divorce. At that point, he wanted to work on the marriage and see a counselor, but she had already done her grieving and made her decision and wanted out. He did his grieving after she told him she wanted a divorce.</p>
<p>If your husband doesn’t want to make any changes and improve the marriage, that’s that. (After hearing you out, if he still isn’t willing to talk to a doctor about possible medical causes of his lack of interest in sex, he is not that committed to saving the marriage.) But at least you will know you gave it everything you could before you opt out.</p>