Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>“Is he willing to go to a doctor?”</p>

<p>He goes to a doctor for his annual physical, but there’s no indication that H discusses this problem. I encouraged H to talk about this with his doctor, but H’s reply was silence.</p>

<p>I have told H that this problem is serious to me and I am considering divorce. I think H assumes that I won’t divorce him because I am not employed. He has said something like that. I am looking hard for a job and am expecting to get one. I have told him about my concerns. His response usually is silence. If I try to get an answer, he says he needs time to think about things and then he never replies. </p>

<p>When younger S came home from college for the summer (which was after H left) S asked me about how H and I were getting along. S had never asked a question like that though he had a few years ago wondered about how Dad and I got together since we seem so dissimilar. S had mentioned feeling very close to me, but not feeling that he knows his father at all because when they spend time together, H is talking sports (S has no interest in sports) or talks about trivial things that S has no interest in. S just says “uh huh.”</p>

<p>S was not surprised when I said that H and I have grown apart and divorce is a possibility. I asked S how a divorce might affect him, and S said that he feels divorce is fine if people aren’t happy together or have grown apart. He said he doubted that a divorce would change his relationship with H or me. While S doesn’t know H as well as he would like to know him, he does know that H loves him.</p>

<p>S said that it’s not fun when the 3 of us have dinner together because when H talks it’s at us, not with us.</p>

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<p>We think we can hide things from kids but we rarely succeed, they see.</p>

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<p>I could have written most of the posts on this thread. I probably could have written NSM’s original post. I don’t have any answers, because I share many of the same issues. I have thought about this for a very long time, and am no closer to resolution.</p>

<p>I too am 25 years into a marriage to a “nice”, “good” man. He does not drink or smoke or do drugs. He isn’t abusive. He provides well. We have three children whom we adore. Our history is enmeshed with our children. Two are out of the house already, so the empty nest looms.</p>

<p>But there is no chemistry in our marriage. Absolutely none. And there hasn’t been for a very long time. We do not have much intimacy anymore, and it is not because of H, but because of me. I am not interested, in the slightest. I am bored by a lot of what he says, I don’t like necessarily going places together. We don’t share a lot of interests.</p>

<p>So why are we still together? Sometimes I don’t know. But I do think of trying to embark on a single life at age 55 and it doesn’t appeal to me. H and I can have dinner together and then part to our different activities in the same house: computer, news, reading, hobbies, completely separately. Yes, it is lonely, but it is a known loneliness. I don’t hate it. Would I love to have a passionate relationships where we connected more? Of course. Do I think there is one out there for me? No. And I don’t know (but have thought about this a lot) whether I think it is worth destroying my marriage in the hopes that I might find love again. I suspect that it won’t happen. Would I prefer poverty and living alone? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I do wonder if I am selling myself short, but again, I know what I have. How do I know that I’d be happier alone?</p>

<p>But while it isn’t a “happy” life, it isn’t miserable either. I know SO many people in moderately unhappy, unfulfilled marriages. Is breaking the marriage up always the right answer? I have come to believe that what I have is the best I can expect. Counseling does not change things. So, I do think that there are many of us who stay in unfulfilling relationships for a variety of reasons: it’s easier, financially better, a known quantity, etc.</p>

<p>But there is always a question of whether it is the right decision. I completely understand your predicament, NSM, and am sure interested in reading all of these responses.</p>

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<p>First of all, NSM, thank you for posting. As you can tell, you have touched a nerve. I think so many of us with bright, focused men have felt what you have felt at one time or another. </p>

<p>I was once with a diverse group of women and something happened that caused me to jokingly suggest that it would be a good idea to get 12 women, each kick in $100 and rent an apartment to be used when you wanted not only to FEEL alone but BE alone. I was amazed at how many thought it would be a terrific idea. The younger women in the group thought I was nuts, but all of the middle aged women knew exactly what I was talking about. </p>

<p>As I read your posts, it seems that as your hubby gets more absorbed in his classes and biking, you have started to increasingly seek other ways to satisfy yourself. Hey - what are we all doing talking here on CC?? There is nothing wrong with that, but it has made the gap even wider. At some point, you start to wonder why you are sharing a home with this person.</p>

<p>I have no answers - but if there is any hope at restoring your relationship it will probably start by having just one thing that you are both excited about and building from there. You are never going to solve everything at once - you can only hope to fix one little piece, hope for success, and then move on to another piece. </p>

<p>I hope you find the path that is best for you. You are a generous contributor here on these boards and I wish you peace.</p>

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<p>Nsm- I have to say- you have hit on a very relevant and timely topic.
Look how many responses you have had & didn’t you just post this- this morning?</p>

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<p>I found a couple of questions from “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” are good to think about:</p>

<p>“Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?”</p>

<p>and </p>

<p>“In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and gives both of you a feeling of closeness for a while?”</p>

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<p>…as your hubby gets more absorbed in his classes and biking,…</p>

<p>My understanding is it’s a little more than that reading OP. H seems to shut everything else out, neglecting the tax that made S unable to have an intership, bringing work to the dinner date NSM arranged or coming to dance late everytime sweating from the bike ride,… Could there be some power play on his part in a passive aggressive way? He seems to neglect his family totally while devoting himself overly to his students.</p>

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<p>NSM, I’m so sorry that you are in this situation however I detect a note of not wanting to give up the fight. So, while others have recommended various books I am going to steer you to a website that offers couple retreats for marriages that are in trouble. Not sure what your religious background is, so I apologize if this is not something you would do…this organization is all about saving marriages [Marriage</a> seminar and marriage help program by Retrouvaille.](<a href=“http://www.retrouvaille.org%5DMarriage”>http://www.retrouvaille.org) They have a very good success rate, and if you are both willing to work things out it could be a positive option for you both.</p>

<p>I also agree with posts from esobay and heyalb…please consider all your options and your dreams for the future. I am the a product of a broken home. Though my parents maintained a cordial relationship, and I learned long ago I can’t change the way their relationnship is, I can tell you my own children have suffered from not having a grandma and grandpa that are together. There have been many times when they have cried for not having had them in their lives. Both my parents have other significant others (though neither remarried) and both chose unwisely in their new mates, so we have never had a cohesive older generation to enjoy. My husband and I look forward (God willing) to one day being the grandma and grandpa that our children have not been able to have. Please consider how you imagine that next phase in your life to be, and please take your next steps cautiously and carefully. We all wish you the best.</p>

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<p>Speaking up as one who divorced after 20 years of marriage.</p>

<p>I think it must be possible to make it back from where you are a) if your husband cares enough to try b) you feel he can offer you the life you need to have and the image of yourself you need to put in place c) no one has fallen in love with someone else.</p>

<p>Sex can be fixed. Money can be fixed. But intent to care for another, and to adjust one’s own self-image to honor another, that requires intent and effort and ability.</p>

<p>That said, try as hard as you absolutely can. My divorce was the saddest, most horrible time of my life, leading to cries of anguish that have not yet wholly abated, 4 years later. I don’t miss my husband, per se, as the man I would love. I would not want to be intimate with him again. But I miss being married and I miss the companion of so many years and I miss the father of my children. And it cost so much money to divorce.</p>

<p>However, I am now my pure self, which I was not before. And that I would not give up, knowing that we all have to die one day. And NSM, thank you so much for sharing this. Sometimes I feel so alone as the bad one who divorced.</p>

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<p>Being just about the only one on this active thread that reports post divorce happiness, I feel obligated to say that money was not a factor for me, my lifestyle did not change post divorce. Is it just money that allows pursuing a greater relationship?</p>

<p>Why do those of you who feel there is nothing better for you out there feel this way? Surprised, are you dating?</p>

<p>NSM, what really strikes me here is the seemingly total lack of intimacy and your DH’s refusal to discuss it. Many of my friends have marginal relationships, but all of their DH’s still want sex. I think it’s fair for you to insist on professional help here.</p>

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<p>Oh, I’m happier than I was by the end of my marriage. Even by the middle of it, really. But my happiness doesn’t negate the pain and sorrow of the divorce, if that makes sense.</p>

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<p>Most divorces are painful I would have to imagine, mine certainly was. I was not happier overnight, but I did see the promise of a happier future quickly.</p>

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<p>NSM - I sent you a PM about my own experiences in this arena - but I also want to say that you are far from alone. For everyone who has posted on here with a similar story, I’ll bet there are hundreds more reading and nodding their heads. Thank you for sharing your story. We all learn from each other and it is always good to know that you are not alone. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. It took a lot of courage for you to open up and share your situation on this forum - I am hoping you find a course of action that feels right for you.</p>

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<p>My experiences don’t directly relate. I had an unhappy first marriage that I stayed in for seven years. It was very tough for me to leave, I had a 1 year old, but I just couldn’t see staying in the marriage for the rest of my life. He was verbally abusive, and I believe he has a personality disorder.</p>

<p>I have been in my second marriage for twelve years (been together for sixteen years). At first it was a bit rocky (nothing like my first marriage rocky), but the last few years have been extraordinarily wonderful.</p>

<p>Part of this was the resolution of my depression issues. Being medicated for many years put a damper on ‘things’. We lead separate lives much of the time, but the intimacy is very much there. We are busy with the kids, our jobs, our aging parents, and our own interests, but our relationship comes first. We give each other the space we need, are respectful of each other, and let the stuff that drives us nuts about each other not be important. Our finances are not great, but we make do as we can. </p>

<p>I guess what I’m trying to say is that having a good relationship is incomparable, but having what you describe is much less than what life can hold for you. It sounds as if you are dissatisfied with the way things are. Would you be happier on your own? Is the possibility (but no guarantee) of a more fulfilling relationship worth giving up on your long term marriage? Is it possible for you and your husband to work toward having a better relationship that you’d want to stay in? Only you can know that for sure.</p>

<p>The first step is letting him know the depth of your dissatisfaction (because, as others have said, you need to spell it out for them) and see what he says or does. That will be your first answer, and it may be obvious to you after that.</p>

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<p>NSM, My husband and I went through this three years ago and separated at my insistence. We did reconcile six months later and we are still working on the marriage. A really great book to guide you through the decision process is “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”. It has a lot of checklists and questions to help you weigh the pros and cons.</p>

<p>As someone who is highly independent, makes a great salary, has lots of interests and hobbies, good friends, supportive family and likes to be alone for part of my time, I was shocked on how different the reality of being separated was compared to how I imagined it. At first I was just relieved to be on my own. I bought a house that I loved. I loved being able to make my own decisions without having to consult someone but being alone (even if you have a lot of friends) is a hard adjustment when you have been part of a couple for a long time. Even if your spouse is gone a lot of the time, being part of a couple is usually a large part of your identity and your life and it can take a long time to adjust to be single. It really is a different lifestyle. Not bad or good, just different. I was also surprised about how utterly painful a divorce really is while you’re going through it.</p>

<p>I would never in a million years try to talk someone out of leaving or into going back to a marriage where they weren’t happy but I do feel it’s important to share my experience when people ask. The truth is sometimes, once you are out the door, you realize that you will losing a lot if you divorce. I now see marriage in a slightly different way - yes, it’s about some measure of passion, which ebbs and flows but it’s also about being an intact family, having someone to count on, having someone to grow old with, companionship, being part of something bigger than yourself. It’s about being there as a couple (not just two parents with different partners) when your child walks down the aisle, when your first grandchild is born. It’s about financial stability for many of us because women do generally experience a loss in their standard of living when they divorce that they can’t make up by retirement age (Tipper Gore aside, naturally).</p>

<p>So while I understand 110% what you are going through - been there, done that, having been to the other side and back, I now know things I didn’t before. The reality is yes, some women do it and are completely happy with their decision and may or may not ever have another relationship again but they have no regrets. Some women do it and then are bitter to the end because it wasn’t what they expected and it’s too late to go back to the life they once had. Some women never find another partner - some do.</p>

<p>I remember clearly being where you are - trying to decide, asking others to share their personal experiences, trying to work out in my own head whether I was right to leave or not. In the end, I discovered it’s a highly personal experience and no two people experience it the same way or necessarily have the same outcomes. It’s really about giving up a life you know for the unknown. Some people are exhilarated by the possibilities and love it. Others realize they would rather settle for the known than risk the unknown.</p>

<p>I would share your feelings with your spouse - even if you already have. My husband claims he was ‘shocked’ that I had gotten to the point of wanting a separation. He says he had no idea things were that bad. Unfortunately, by that point, I had made up my mind (I was already disengaged from the marriage) and he couldn’t talk me out of it. I wonder now if I had been more insistent that things had to change if that wouldn’t have saved us and our son a lot of heartache (the separation) and money.</p>

<p>I would definitely recommend a trial separation (where neither party dates - dating during this time will make it near impossible to reconcile) to see if that is what you really want. My separation was relatively amicable and we didn’t burn any bridges during the process. That allowed us to reconcile. Also, a good therapist can help guide you through this difficult time. Good luck - it’s a painful decision. I can tell from your posts that you are not taking it lightly and are putting a lot of thought into it.</p>

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<p>momlive~what a thoughtful, reflective and real post. thank you. I echo many of your thoughts and feelings…</p>

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<p>Yes, I really got a lot out of that post. thanks for taking the time.</p>

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<p>A male friend of mine said that he knew a mutual aquaintance had split. He mentioned that when they became empty nesters they just could not find ground to reconnect on and the wife asked for a divorce. I don’t know how they are doing now.</p>

<p>The man telling me this said that when he and his wife became empty nesters they struggled at first because he said that after years of making the decisions his wife “suddenly developed opinions and shared them and he didn’t like her opinions and it was a big adjustment”.</p>

<p>This is one male’s perspective of the empty nest. </p>

<p>Does your husband know that you feel rejected with the lack of intimacy? Is he punishing you by withholding emotionally/physically because you changed?</p>

<p>Thank you for sharing. Interesting observations by your son. All the best.</p>

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<p>I also thought your perspective was good Momlive, but one important question. Isn’t separation without dating defeating the purpose of seeing what else life may offer and what post divorce life will be like? I know several couples who have gotten back together after a separation with dating. These couples came to see what they had and reunited with that appreciation. In my own case I came to understand I could be happier with someone else. Either way, it seems key.</p>

<p>Also, I’m curious to understand the perceived charcteristics of those who find new partners and those that do not as all of you perceive it.</p>

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<p>My own observation and experience is that most divorced people become involved in new relationships, but often those new relationships do not survive the long haul, due to the added complications of ex’s, kids, finances, etc. I’ve also noticed that those who wait a long time post divorce to get reinvolved often state they prefer to stay unattached, don’t want to make the compromises of yet another relationship. personally I think maintaining hope for future love is key to success…</p>