Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>redroses, I’ve found your perspective on this thread really valuable. </p>

<p>when I was considering a separation, it was actually because I wanted to date my husband again, and to get space between those dates and just to get to know each other again, without living together, a way to start over.</p>

<p>As I listen to your posts, I can see that I wasn’t looking for a way out of my marriage so much as a way back in.</p>

<p>My mother divorced my father and had a very passionate and romantic long term committed relationship. I was happy she was happy, even if it made the holidays a huge pain the blank. You seem to be doing well. I think that is great.</p>

102

<p>“Does your husband know that you feel rejected with the lack of intimacy?”</p>

<p>Yes.</p>

<p>" Is he punishing you by withholding emotionally/physically because you changed?"</p>

<p>I wish I knew the answer to this.</p>

103

<p>I am touched by people’s honesty and openness here.</p>

104

<p>NSM, I sent you part 1 of a two part message but the second one didn’t go through because your PM box is full. Let me know when it’s clear and you’ll get the second part of the message – the first may seem like it ends suddenly.</p>

105

<p>I just cleared my PM box. Thanks, mimk6 and everyone who has sent me PMs and has posted on this thread.</p>

106

<p>Sorry to hear that Northstarmom. </p>

<p>I feel a bit like the enemy observing how many women have significantly reacted to this mid-life crisis thread. A bit like Jerry Mcguire when finding himself in front of his sister-in-law’s unhappy women group before his ‘you complete me’ speech. </p>

<p>Did any of us get into marriage thinking it was going to be easy? This song really resounded and gave me pause back in the day. It represents my fear. It’s Carly Simon’s song “That’s the way I’ve always heard it should be.” Here are the lyrics in the hope that confronting and acknowledging our fears is a path to keeping “love alive.” </p>

<p>***My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.</p>

<p>But you say it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we’ll marry.</p>

<p>My friends from college they’re all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they’re not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.</p>

<p>But you say it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we’ll marry.</p>

<p>You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love’s debris.
You say we’ll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you’ll cage me on your shelf -
I’ll never learn to be just me first
By myself.</p>

<p>Well O.K., it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we’ll marry,
We’ll marry.***</p>

107

<p>One of the (many) books I read suggested that the person who rejects intimacy is the one in the power position. While this may seem untrue to the person who feels constantly pestered for sex he/she may not be interested in, in actuality if you give it some space and think about it, if the other person doesn’t force him/herself on the unwilling partner, the one who says no does hold a lot of the cards (when, where, etc.).</p>

<p>Add this to a husband who brings work to a dinner out, someone who places students above his wife, someone who is (to me) intentionally messing up the household finances, someone who says you can’t/won’t leave because you don’t have a job/money/financial power and it sounds to me like you have someone who is on a power trip. As someone else suggested your changes may have made him feel insecure and to need this power, or maybe he just likes power. (Speaking as a professor, many of us have power issues - this is one reason why we choose a profession with a low peer to subordinate ratio!). </p>

<p>IMHO - and please this is an opinion - when you keep telling him how much you want to connect with him this only adds to his power.</p>

<p>What would happen if he had no power to make you happy or unhappy? What do you think would happen if you suddenly seemed really happy - like newly in love happy? Would he notice? If he didn’t even notice - well, that’s a data point, albeit a really sad one. But if he is partially driven by his power position this will certainly get his attention.</p>

<p>It might be worth the experiment. I realize it would mean play acting for a while, but strangely if you start acting really happy, you will feel a bit better and it may give you some energy and hope for whatever comes next. I am not saying to be happy about the marriage. Just be so ** glad to be alive for one more day, that good food exists, to get outside, for the dog, whatever. No him. Not the marriage. Not your past. Aim to fall in love with the things that exist outside the marriage domain.</p>

<p>And yes, THANKS for the post.</p>

108

<p>" might be worth the experiment. I realize it would mean play acting for a while, but strangely if you start acting really happy, you will feel a bit better and it may give you some energy and hope for whatever comes next. I am not saying to be happy about the marriage. Just be so ** glad to be alive for one more day, that good food exists, to get outside, for the dog, whatever. No him. Not the marriage. Not your past. Aim to fall in love with the things that exist outside the marriage domain."</p>

<p>In general, except for my marriage, I’m very happy. During much of my marriage, I suffered from chronic depression, so when I wasn’t at work or doing something with H, I often was sleeping. In fact, when H was working and before the kids were born, I often just spent the day sleeping.</p>

<p>Now, I’m extremely busy. I’ve been taking arts classes for fun during the day and I have lunch/coffee with friends… I’m involved in community theater and advocacy during the evenings.</p>

<p>Something interesting happened last fall when I was cohost of a fundraiser for a political candidate. The location was a bar that was convenient to where H works, and the location reminded me of a place where we used to hang out when H and I first started dating. The time was convenient for him. I figured it might be fun for him to come and it might remind him of old times.</p>

<p>He biked over after the starting time (no surprise to me, and that didn’t surprise me or upset me). I was circulating as a hostess, and introduced him to a couple of people, but didn’t hang with him. After about 20 mins., he came over and announced to me that he was leaving to go home because he had work to do.</p>

<p>I was disappointed because I had hoped to hang out with him there after the event. When I got home, I told him that I was disappointed, and I had only invited him because I thought he would enjoy it. I bluntly told him that unlike the way I used to be when we first started dating, I was no longer shy or timid about doing things by myself. I am perfectly comfortable and even very happy going to events by myself, so when I invited him to things, it wasn’t to use him as a crutch, but to attempt to include him in my fun and to offer him a fun time.</p>

<p>I’m involved in a lot of things where we live and wherever I go I see people I know. In fact, I know so many people that a friend has joked that when I die, the line of people at my funeral will be around the block.</p>

<p>Anyway, after that discussion, H has gone out of his way to go with me when I invite him to things (I still go to a lot of things by myself. These include things like cast parties where one can bring a partner, but the activities really are for people in the organization). He also has pointedly put work aside to do so, but if he didn’t bother, that would be fine with me since I can have a great time without him.</p>

109

<p>When we are not valued and actively scoffed at or ridiculed because our men are not happy, they do not seem to realise or care that little by little they are turning our hearts to stone. We are a year back together after admittedly only 4 months separated…It was his decision to separate; I was not enough for him any more. Once we separated and he realised that his life was quite empty (the friends we had were all those I had made), he wanted us to date. We did, and all was good but soon after we got back together again, the snipping started (from both of us), the scoffing (from him) and the anger I have towards him for taking my version of my marriage and ripping it into shreds makes me wonder if I will ever love him again…Now I measure my happy days by the day…rather than the month…and wait to see if there will be one big blow up or we will somehow love each other again. This September will be our first as total empty nesters…it may speed up either possibility. Thank you NSM for bringing this up…as can be seen, many of us are in the same place…There was a thread recently where people were posting how wonderful their spouses were…somehow made everything much worse.</p>

110

<p>Wow. You’ve really changed your life completely. </p>

<p>Also, this sounds very promising, at least to me:</p>

<p>

</p>

111

<p>NSM, I’ve heard stories and complaints similar to yours from a few of my friends. They are married to decent, hardworking men, but these men are not available to their wives emotionally and so the wives are unhappy to varying degrees. Sometimes, I think these men need a shock to their system to get them out of their entrenched way of being. Maybe some men are too old to change, or too unwilling. It sounds to me like your H, like all of us, is living the life he experienced as a child. He’s probably comfortable there. The pertinent question for you is whether he is willing to at least try to change. Does he realize that you’re thinking seriously of divorcing him? Maybe he thinks you will not go through with it because you are currently unemployed. Does he know you are actively looking for a job? (Of course, you don’t have to answer these questions.)</p>

<p>Does he think it is normal to listen to his iPod while he is with you? Or to bring his work to a dinner date? I think there are men out there who do, probably because their fathers did it too. I know this is not about me, but I would pitch such a fit if my H did any of those things. He knows exactly what I will tolerate, because I do not suffer in silence. Early in our relationship, when we went for walks, he would walk in front of me. He could end up a hundred feet or so in front of me and never look back. So, once I got so fed up, I turned around and walked the other way and left him. Later that day, when he finally found me again, he was shocked that I had done that but he never walked in front of me again.</p>

<p>Again, I know this is not about me, so forgive me. But it’s a little hard to reconcile the NSM that comes across in her posts on CC (forthright, straight-shooting, tough-loving, and never minces words) with a wife who would put up with that kind of behavior. I think your H needs some of that tough love you gave to your sons. Of course, husbands can be divorced, unlike sons. It’s time to take the measure of the man and see what he’s made of.</p>

112

<p>“In general, except for my marriage, I’m very happy. During much of my marriage, I suffered from chronic depression, so when I wasn’t at work or doing something with H, I often was sleeping. In fact, when H was working and before the kids were born, I often just spent the day sleeping.”</p>

<p>Obviously…the depression had to be very hard on you. It was very hard on your husband too. How did he handle this?</p>

<p>"I was disappointed because I had hoped to hang out with him there after the event. When I got home, I told him that I was disappointed, and I had only invited him because I thought he would enjoy it. "</p>

<p>Does your husband really enjoy this sort of thing? You don’t have to answer…I think the intimacy issue is huge from reading your posts…and I’m not just talking physical intimacy…but are you upset about intimacy issues and asking for your husband to be a different person than he is?</p>

113

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<p>Sounds like he can change. I guess the question then might be, if you like him enough. I wonder what your feelings are in all this – anger, rage, contempt?</p>

114

<p>I’m angry about the lack of sexual intimacy. However, I also feel sorry for him because of the lack of emotional intimacy that he has in his life.</p>

115

<p>Just sending you {{{{ hugs }}} best wishes, and prayers that things work out for you.</p>

116

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<p>I think that’s true. And I think it’s a very passive-aggressive form of control. I also think some men are truly afraid of intimacy and their own sexuality. In their twenties, biology overrides those fears and then as it wanes just a bit, psychology takes over.</p>

117

<p>“Does your husband really enjoy this sort of thing? You don’t have to answer…I think the intimacy issue is huge from reading your posts…and I’m not just talking physical intimacy…but are you upset about intimacy issues and asking for your husband to be a different person than he is?”</p>

<p>I had thought that he would enjoy the event and the setting. He is very cognizant of national and international politics, so I thought he’d enjoy being at a local political event . While it wasn’t the kind of embassy receptions that we used to attend when we lived in D.C., it was something that I had thought he’d enjoy.</p>

<p>The bar also is in a neighborhood that reminds me of the neighborhood that we used to live in in D.C. when we first met. The bar reminded me of a place that was his favorite place back then. </p>

<p>Apparently, though, H doesn’t have the interest in local politics that I have developed nor does he become excited any more about going to a bar that has hundreds of brands of beer, something that he used to enjoy when we were dating.</p>

<p>If he wasn’t fond of the bar, I would have been happy to have gone somewhere else with him after the political event was over.</p>

118

<p>I hope things work out for you too, and that you are happy with your decision, whatever you choose to do. </p>

<p>One thing I want to say, and I’m not advocating anything, is that it doesn’t sound like you have to settle for a smaller life. It sounds like you have the personal resources to go after a full, vibrant life.</p>

119

<p>Northstarmom…I can see why are are angry and disappointed with your husband.</p>

120

<p>"There was a thread recently where people were posting how wonderful their spouses were…somehow made everything much worse. "</p>

<p>–I started that “something nice about your spouse” thread because I was feeling sort of guilty about some of the negatives on the “spouses pet peeves” thread. However, it actually made me sad, too, because it was really hard for me to come up with one or two nice things to say about H. We also have serious problems, which I won’t go into here.<br>
To everyone on this thread, I wish you well. You are not alone.</p>