Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>This is the most lively, interesting and touching thread I’ve encountered here. Thanks NSM. I started a thread on divorce awhile ago thinking I might get some interesting input, but it’s a thread on marriage that got the discussion I had in mind going.</p>

<p>I would agree with the poster that commented that NSM’s post here departs from the assured, confident nature of most of her posts. But almost all of the posts here seem to say that women should think very hard about leaving men that don’t make them happy. Kids might be scared for life or turn on them, they will probably never find another relationship, they will sit unhappily at home for the rest of their lives…this is reading very much like the Gore thread so I now understand the dominant view much better. But I’ll never really understand.</p>

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<p>I don’t expect my husband to make me happy- what a burden to place on someone.
I don’t even expect to have frequent deep conversations- we differ politically and socially.
I like to argue- he gets frustrated-
But boy is it nice being with someone who remembers me when I was 18. Who loved and was loved by my grandparents- who suffered through a late miscarriage with me, who remembers having to visit our firstborn in the NICU for her first two months of life- who knows that I know where all the bodies are buried… & I love him anyway.</p>

<p>I am lonely sometimes- he doesn’t want to follow PJ as much as I would like ( I have gone by myself- but I am not likely to go to the UK by myself)
But lonely isn’t usually fatal- and there are lots of cures/</p>

<p>& I can have friendships with whomever I want- but I have no interest in dating- blech.</p>

<p>While the old axiom that women want to change their men and men want the women to stay the same might be true- but H has actually changed quite a bit over the years- he was like a piece of granite that I chipped away at to find the marble statue beneath- I could say. :wink: ( although he changed himself- with my encouragement)</p>

<p>But if I was to divorce, it likely would not be so that I can date- not seriously anyway- I think one long term relationship is enough.</p>

<p>Besides nobody wants to be the rebound sweetie.</p>

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<p>But do you expect him to make you unhappy? That is the difference I see. If someone is married to someone and that person knows that what he is doing is causing unhappiness, e.g. not being intimate or other issues, then that is qualitatively different.</p>

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<p>NSM, thank you for your post and thanks to all the posters for their thoughtful consideration. Your quote:
“I’m angry about the lack of sexual intimacy.” That’s the bottom line, really. After all, we all know that nobody’s perfect, there are always many things that we put up with in each other, but when the intimacy is gone, then a large part of the glue for the marriage is gone. The partnership has to include sexual intimacy for it to be a true marriage. Couples having a great time in that department can forgive each other for a lot of faults! NSM, best wishes to you, this does seem fixable.</p>

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<p>Read the OP but I can’t read all the responses tonight. The one thing that came to my mind that I wanted to share was an experience I had in the last week or so. I was looking at my husband of decades, football player’s body completely gone, grayed and snoring, and I was overwhelmed and high on the happiness of having survived so many years with him. This feeling - it is hard to describe. Having powered through awful eras when I felt like going off on my own, and having come out on the other side of it. What a loss it would be if I had never experienced the peace I have in my marriage now. When I read the original post it sounded exactly like something I would have written in a different place and time. Sticking with it isn’t right for everybody, but it was for me. I was surprised at how many different incarnations an old married couple could still experience, but renewal is possible (again and again).</p>

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<p>A long time ago I realized that I grew up hearing that marraige took two people to work. What my mother never told me was that marraige goes through these periods where one of the partners may be putting in 75% or even 90% of the work. How do we get through the periods when for whatever reason one of the partners is putting more into it and may not be getting it back? It always helps me to realize that there may have been times when my husband had to hang in there when I was not at my most giving, available or emotionally connected. I think we have a responsibilty to recognize that with long marraiges come times of great joy and great disappointment. It is the times of great joy or general happiness that make those less than good periods seem like the normal course of relationships. Its difficult to leave a marraige that has had such a long history and when it happens I think that the couple may not have had enough going on from the beginning to get them through the rough patches.</p>

<p>Northstarmom…only you know if your husband was putting in more effort at times that you were not. It may be worth the effort to try to reconnect. I still think it is about finding something that you can both enjoy together. The seperate things that you both enjoy add the spice but what you share together adds the intimacy.</p>

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<p>Same here.</p>

<p>Plus, I’ve had many other offers, as I’m sure we all have. I know I could date other people if I wanted. That is just not even the issue, at least in my mind.</p>

<p>I’ve had plenty of passionate moments in my life, and many of them have been with my husband, and a tremendous amount of intensity, over the years. But, the intensity of the first year or 18 months is not really “connection” but infatuation. I’m all for infatuation, and if someone were to want to go through life with a bunch of infatuations and intensities? I’d be supportive of that.</p>

<p>But, for me, it wasn’t what I was looking for.</p>

<p>I have no fear at all of divorce or separation. I’m familiar with it. A child of it. </p>

<p>For me, it wasn’t a matter of what I didn’t want so much as what I did want, which was to know each other again after years together, to reconnect, as the people we are now.</p>

<p>I hear NSM saying, “I have changed and the man I live with does not even know who I am.” </p>

<p>good luck with that. You are really worth getting to know, and I have really enjoyed getting to know this more vulnerable side of you. It may be frightening to your husband that you have changed, but I’m glad it does not frighten you, at all.</p>

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This is all very true. And deep denial of these psychological issues often leads to self-medicating behaviors such as emotional and/or physical affairs. When a spouse shuts down on their marital partner and refuses to discuss or even acknowledge that there’s a problem, more often than not, they’re getting their needs met outside the marriage. This gives them the power to control the amount/level of emotional and/or sexual connection, being able to take only what they need without having to give much if anything back, since they are able to hide behind their marital status. And, in the case of emotional infidelity, the checked out spouse denies to their partner and themselves that they are cheating on their marriage since it lacks the physical component, but the behavior is every bit as damaging and insidious, if not more so.</p>

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<p>NSM</p>

<p>No advice from me, as my current relationship just 3 years old. My friend worked 7 days a week, I suspect a pattern he developed to fill the empty places in his life.</p>

<p>Your post #108 shows your husband’s desire to welcome this outgoing, enervated side of you. You’ve consistently shown a warmth to others and an excitement about your new activities, such as parts in plays. It seems that he wants to be a part of your new life.</p>

<p>My best to you</p>

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<p>Just two thoughts this morning:</p>

<p>I wouldn’t want to be sexually intimate if I were angry at my hubby. Not able to separate it in my head/heart. Can others? </p>

<p>When we were going through a hard time (married 26 years now), we started going out once a week. Ate supper and talked to each other. No child around. We really needed that.</p>

<p>Been through marriage therapy years ago. It’s super hard, but was nice to have a 3rd party and a place to discuss things. Many times, was just worn out from it and had to create space from each other afterwards.</p>

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My husband does this. It’s an ongoing problem, but I keep repeating that some things are sacred and should never be used as weapons. Not sure he quite gets that, though.</p>

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<p>What a kind and loving thread this is. Many of these posts bring tears to my eyes. My own divorce happened 30 years ago after a relatively short marriage and no children. It always feels like just a minor bump in life when I hear stories of longer marriages ending. Four years later, I found the “right” husband, and with constant tending and nurturing, we have a good marriage and partnership. Still, several posts here have made me notice a few things about myself that I would like to work on.</p>

<p>NSM, I don’t have much to add to the outpouring of generosity that you are reading here and that you so richly deserve. I hope that you will find courage, strength, wisdom, and the love and support of good friends–and it sounds like you already have an abundance of all four.</p>

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I can. I can pretty much forgive him anything if that is happening. But I get very, very angry when he withholds, which he can do for months and even years at a time. He knows all that and still does it, so I think he’s a bit punishing himself.
If we were ever to divorce (I don’t see that happening in the near future because we still have a little guy.) it wouldn’t be for another man because I still find my husband incredibly attractive and if I had a magic wand and could conjure up my perfect life it would still be with him.</p>

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<p>Why do you think he is deliberately withholding sex?</p>

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<p>Haven’t read all the posts, just the first couple of pages’ so please forgive me if this has already been said. Have you considered a medical condition? Let me explain: Mom was someone who was a multi-tasker, creative thinker, glue that held the family together. My parents were married early, had children early, all of us out of the house and married while they were in their late 40’s. And they retired early, as well, traveling … enjoying their ocean front home. Anyway, in her early 50’s we all started noticing, more so in hindsight now, of course, that she seemed less able to multi-task, more carefully obsessive about following through with single tasks, less interested in exploring new things … more “stuck” on what she already knew. Thought some of it was just depression (Dad was disabled/diabetic, one of the reasons for their early retirement). Over time we started noticing her not being able to follow through with tasks which she would normally be right on top of … i.e. getting paperwork together for taxes. She seemed to deal in the “daily” and less in the consequences of “tomorrow.” Long story short, she was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers a couple of years later … by about 54 years old. </p>

<p>Not saying your husband has something as devestating as that, but I have found after being the caregiver of four parents in the last 8 years and dealing with a variety of medical issues (from Parkinson’s to alzheimers), you’d be surprised how much affect a medical condition (even anemia or a thyroid deficiency) can have on a persons “normal” self. </p>

<p>Perhaps good physicals might be something to suggest too. </p>

<p>Again, not trying to minimize your concerns … but sometimes a medical option is not thought of until it manifests more specifically and you are looking back with 20/20 hindsight. Sigh …</p>

<p>zebes</p>

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<p>^ Because he can. Someone else said it was about power. That and control.</p>

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<p>Thank you to the many people who have responded on this thread and by PMing me. Your kindness touches my heart. It also has been helpful to know how many others have or are going through similar experiences. </p>

<p>If I could wave a magic wand, I would change my husband so that he became more comfortable with intimacy. He has many good qualities including being a person who is ethical, cares deeply about his students, loves me and our sons very much, and is a strong supporter of the many causes that are close to my heart including expanding the roles of men and women beyond the traditional. More than 30 years ago when we married, he offered to change his name to a hyphenated one (I declined since I wasn’t close to my dad so didn’t see any reason to perpetuate my maiden name). When I wrote my dissertation – which was on a very boring subject – he proofread every boring word.</p>

<p>When our kids were born, he took paternal leave, changed diapers, went solo to pediatric appointments, was an officer in PTA, went on field trips, coached sports. and had insights into our younger son (who was a preemie and had frail health for his first several years) that I didn’t have for years.</p>

<p>My husband and I also had met at work, and have worked together at 3 different places during the course of our more than 30-year relationship. Together, we accomplished some remarkable things for the field that we were in. Much of this ended about 10 years ago when I didn’t get tenure, though I believed in the field and even the university so much that I still did a variety of supportive things for the department even several years after not getting tenure. </p>

<p>As recently as several years ago my husband, younger S and I were involved together in a project involving volunteer travel (that was even partly funded by us) in which we used all of our various skills to work together and make a difference, something that is important to all of us.</p>

<p>As I write this I realize that if H’s current project had come up a few years earlier, we probably would have happily involved the whole family in it. It even is something that our older S might have loved to have been involved with. And we also could have afforded to do that.</p>

<p>With this insight, I’ve got a lot more understanding of how H set off on organizing this experience with his students without realizing the ramifications. Lots of things have changed at home – (including our having a son in an expensive college that we’re paying for) since we used to do similar things. The fact that I’m also involved in exciting longterm projects where we live and no longer have an interest in or the time to take long trips also is a major change in our lives.</p>

<p>If H could understand and respond appropriately to our lack of sexual intimacy and the fact that his focus on work no longer is something that brings us together, but now keeps us apart, I could be happy in this marriage. I’d probably even be willing to attend some sports games with him. :)</p>

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<p>Well, more directly, when you asked him, what did HE say it’s about? If it is about control, what behavior of yours does he want to control and why?</p>

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<p>That’s right. And I would say the same thing if it was a husband contemplating divorcing his wife. Marriage is a big deal, a major commitment that one should not discard lightly. Divorce, of couse, is an option, but I think most married people believe it should be the option of last resort, taken because all attempts to salvage the marriage have been unsuccessful. If I have vowed to love and stick with someone in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, then certainly I should think very hard before leaving someone who doesn’t “make” me happy. </p>

<p>Obviously NSM’s husband stuck with her through many years of her depression, and in reality, some of his disengagement may be related to a spouse’s long-term depression (as a cause, effect, or coping mechanism).</p>

<p>NSM, you said your husband changed his behavior after you told him you were hurt when he left an event early to which you had invited him. To me, that signals hope, that he wants to make you happy. I would make an appointment for him with a doctor, tell him that you need sexual intimacy if the marriage is going to survive, and ask him to go talk to the doctor if he wants the marriage to continue. Tell him you will go to the doctor with him if he wants, or he can go alone, if that’s his preference.</p>

<p>I am hoping for good things for you.</p>

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<p>See NSM? There really is a concrete thing you could approach him with.</p>

<p>My question is would you be willing to totally take charge in that area? Some men get into ruts or fall into patterns that they need to be shaken out of. You could start a campaign of seduction and see where it goes.</p>

<p>I’m thinking of you and hoping that you and your husband find a path back to each other.</p>