<p>emeraldkitty4,</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I haven’t read to the end of this thread, but your post tug at my heartstrings.</p>
<p>Let me make clear NSM’s husband sounds like a good guy and aslo sounds too busy to be cheating.</p>
<p>But this discussion made me curious, I don’t know any men who just gave up sex, so I looked for data and found this in a Kinsey report:</p>
<p>1% of married men reported they have never had sex in the past year, 13% reported only a few times in the past year, 43% reported a few times in the past month, 36% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).</p>
<p>And this is before Viagara become wildly popular.</p>
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<p>I was not referring to NSM’s husband with that “he”. I was referring to the kind of man I was describing in the rest of the paragraph, in which case it’s okay to make some presumptions since it’s a generalization.</p>
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Zoo, what do you when he comes back to you after staying away from you for a while for whatever reasons (i.e. fights, intentional)? Do you accept him like it nothing happens?
I would be very upset at the beginning of him coming back to me…at least the first days.
How do you manage your feelings? Do you think in something else while engaging in intimacy? Sorry about this questions, but it is difficult for me to think I would allow my H the next time he wants to be with me after leaving me or ignoring me. Just want to know in a good way, how do you manage. I have to admire you, because I don’t know if I would be able to be gracious. Asking you with all the respect.</p>
<p>Many posts ago, several said that this is a departure from the usual confident NSM. I disagree and see this as a very confident NSM who has identified a problem and instead of wallowing in the problem is looking for input to get to a resolution. I admire you for being open to feedback.</p>
<p>Post 123 says what for me would be the biggest problem–not the lack of sex (we can do that alone–does he do that alone?) but his being told by you in clear terms that you are unhappy and his not seeming to care. Ouch, the not caring hurts.</p>
<p>I find it interesting that the other women in his life-mother and sister- were also depressed and that he completely shut down any discussion of depression in the ER. That says to me that he thinks depression isn’t real but just the way women act or the “excuse” they use to be the way they are. What type of relationship did he have with his father or any brothers?</p>
<p>We have sort of forgotten the part about using retirement savings for a school function thus jeopardizing senior year tuition and not giving forms to the son needed for summer employment. That is jeopardizing the son as well as NSM. Is he jealous of the close relationship you two have and the shared interest in theatre vs a close father son bonding over sports? I think that is related to his comment–you can’t divorce me because you don’t have a job. Makes me think of the saying, “he who controls the gold gets to make the rules”. My grandfather physically abused my grandmother and told her “if you ever leave me I will not give you a dime.” She believed him and stayed for over 60 years. This makes me wonder if he is angry but either not self aware enough to see it or simply refusing to share his feelings.</p>
<p>OTOH, I think I would be upset if my spouse invited me to an event and I showed up (late) but my spouse spent the time talking with other people and left me alone. In the context of this discussion that might have appeared to him that you were rubbing in his face “Look at all the great friends I have”.</p>
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<p>I think this is interesting too, and explains a lot, but I don’t agree that it means he doesn’t think it’s real. I grew up with a depressed mother and it was so real and pervasive that I couldn’t wait to get away from her. To this day, I have an aversion to the idea of depression, even though I experienced it myself in my 20’s (those depression ads on TV make me want to scream). NSM, your H actually reminds me of my father-- how he copes with my mother’s depression by shutting it out entirely. </p>
<p>It is really hard to switch off the coping mechanisms that have gotten you through your entire childhood with a depressed mother, and he may not even have insight/awareness about what he is doing. Or rather, he is pushing away insight and awareness because it would drag up painful memories and feelings. It’s like he keeps his head down, working away doggedly and hoping that everything bad will go away or fix itself. I can see why you feel sorry for him. And I can see your dilemma, after your description of what kind of husband he has been to you through the years.</p>
<p>NSM…This threat is an example of when I feel that my heart is broken and I would like to have a magic wand to mend the problem. </p>
<p>I have some questions, the subject is delicate, and my questions and some postings as well:</p>
<p>-Have you taken care of your appearance? Probably yes: but just to add to the subject a woman needs to take care of her nails, hair, weight, style. Yes, I know sounds trivial, but I have noticed that woman take care while dating and then some years later they forget of how to take care of themselves. We need to work in our appearance, being energetic, exercising, getting a nice outfit and surprising our H, taking care of their beautiful hair, being fit, or surprising the other half in looking great! I see these young girls at the stores, sometimes in groups buying hair products, nice shirts, some Victoria Secrets outfits…and some time I ask myself for how long that will last? </p>
<p>-Saying nice things to your husband when he comes back home. Talking about all the good thing he does…praise him!</p>
<p>-I notice that you talk about summer vacations: However, it seems to me that it is summer work…when was the last time you took a summer vacation: Going to a resort or hotel, visiting museums with your husband, ■■■■■■■■ the roads of the city, having a nice dinner, or just staying in the swimming pool, reading and listening music, a nice drink and enjoying the surroundings…it does not need to be expensive: Just the two of you! </p>
<p>-Don’t wait for the next summer, plan to go to a nice place another city, driving is fine…if does not work then join forces…join your husband in his favorite hobby: “Sports”. While he is watching go to the ladies room…but instead come back with his favorite food. Be proactive and do things he likes too.</p>
<p>-The different posting shows a variety of experiences, some similar to your, so you are not the only one that experience ups and downs, but rekindle the relationship can be done…there are good ideas here and probably more will be posted. We wish you the best.</p>
<p>Busyparent said
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<p>In certain way, I will be upset, but knowing NSM was the person at charge to organize the event the husband could have stayed: Again communication is important, I would have said Sweetheart I will be very busy with the guest, but stay around that I have a surprise for you. Then after the entire guest were gone…a drink for both of us and to remember the good times! </p>
<p>In the other hand if he was alone not knowing anyone else or maybe after chatting with some guest he had nothing else going on for him probably he got in despair to go back to work, especially if it was weekday or have tons of work to do. Planning and communication are essential.</p>
<p>Only advice is the same I give friends and kids - do you love him? I mean really care deeply about his welfare. Can you go to sleep at night without knowing if he is “okay”?</p>
<p>The real test, I think, is what you feel for him and not what he “does” for you. Sometimes you can grow temporarily incompatible but if the caring still runs deep and strong then you are fools to let it go.</p>
<p>What the world needs now . . .</p>
<p>I have not read all the posts, but have so wanted to chime in on this. I was deeply upset when I read NSM’s comment that she was considering divorce.</p>
<p>Thank you, sewhappy, for putting into words what I was having trouble composing.</p>
<p>As NSM is having a “new life”, as an empty nester, and no longer a slave to her depression thanks to her treatment, I know it is tempting to go out in the world on your own and start over.</p>
<p>But think of the big picture. You have spent a good part of your life with this man, maybe because there were children involved, but when it comes time when you’re old and grey and no longer have that spring in your step and the ability to do all those fun things you’re doing now, who do you think will be beside you, holding your hand, taking you to the doctor, sitting with you in the hospital in your final days. Yes, that man who no longer “lights your fire”. I have been to a lot of funerals this past year, many close and distant relatives who are saying goodbye to their spouses of over 50 years. Many of them have not even shared a bedroom for the past 30 years. Yet when it came time to take that final walk together, you realize that romance and sex are not the most important part of a marriage. It’s being there for each other, even though they don’t even seem to know you exist. You can be sure that when it comes time when you really need him, your husband will be there for you, just as he has been for the last 20 plus years. My prayers are with you right now, NSM. My husband and I went through a crisis before our son was born. I was finally in a good career, in a financial position to finally travel. My husband was content to sit in his office playing music, fooling with the computer. I was what was known as a computer widow. My solution was to take weekend trips alone. No secret lover on the side, unless you count my binoculars for birdwatching. What made me not make the move to leave, although I had set myself up financially to do so, was a final weekend spent with his family. I realized that I was not just my husband’s wife, but I was also a member of this wonderful family, one that I would miss terribly if my husband and I separated. It was the best decision I ever made. My mother in law became my best friend, and I would not have survived motherhood without her. As we buried her this past Thanksgiving, I am now left with the husband that I so wanted to leave. But I hearken back to sewhappy’s words. When it comes time for me to spend those final days on this earth, I know that he will be beside me, caring for me, and if he goes before me, I will do the same for him. God Bless, NSM. You are in my prayers.</p>
<p>^I would like to add to Montegut’s post. I wrote earlier about separating from and then returning to my husband. Her points outlined the main reasons why I returned. My husband (who I left) was so kind and considerate and caring toward me during our separation (he always came when I asked for help, offered help unsolicited, would check on me) when he really didn’t have to. Many men would have turned ugly or at least cold at being left, at some point I realized this man really does love me, body and soul. No, he doesn’t always express it the way I want, he doesn’t always act the way I want, we don’t do everything together, we don’t even have a ton of common interests but he will be here for me no matter what. I know that. He is attractive, makes a lot of money, would be a great ‘catch’ for many women but when I rejected him, he chose not to run right out and date (and believe me, there are plenty of single, attractive women in our social circle). There’s something to be said for loyalty. And there’s a lot to be said for knowing someone well and being known and yet still loved, warts and all. :)</p>
<p>One of the other reasons I returned was when I started looking closely at other people’s marriages I realized everyone has things they don’t like about their spouses. Everyone has days (weeks, months or even years) when they don’t even like their spouses. Sure, new relationships are always sweet and easy but eventually you run up against the same thing. When you spend years with someone, the luster wears off, the halo gets tarnished and you begin to see flaws you never noticed before. It happens to everyone. I know people on their 3rd or even 4th marriages. It generally doesn’t get easier because now you are bringing ex-spouses and children from a former marriage into the relationship.</p>
<p>I’m surprised at the number of people I’ve talked to where lack of physical intimacy is an issue in the marriage. I think it’s a lot more common than people admit to in polls. The polls always make it seem like every married couple is doing ‘it’ all the time. I’m not too sure about that. I know couples who do but I know just as many couples who don’t. One thing to think about is if you are single and not dating, you generally won’t be having much physical intimacy. I know both single men and women who have not had that kind of contact in years. It’s just as much of an issue for those who single as for those who are married.</p>
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Reconciliations don’t just happen. There is usually some conversation, negotiation and some sort of compromise reached about whatever the issue was in the first place. There have been times when it’s been in the range of a year, so nothing happened (or didn’t) overnight.</p>
<p>I think this thread is very comforting because it’s nice to know you’re not the only one who has problemss, gets lonely in a marriage and still gets up in the morning and does what needs to be done and is even joyful.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, you sound selfish. Marriage is about making a commitment to blessing your spouses socks off their whole life. Marriage is NOT about taking, but of giving. Your talk of divorcing sounds juvenile. Whatever happened to your vows of 'til death do us part, for richer or poorer (which is beyond the concept of money, but even poor in spirit)? Time to grow up lady and to love and accept your husband to life. You sound like a victim. Life doesn’t happen to you, you make life in a marriage happen, baby cakes. Now get on with growing up. You are too old to be talking this way!</p>
<p>And, you, TrueLove, sound like an 18 year old who knows nothing whatever about life.</p>
<p>This is one of the best threads I have read. It is very meaningful and insightful. Many people have been extremely open about their own relationships, including NSM. And many have been kind and have shared a variety of perspectives. I’ve gotten a lot out of it. </p>
<p>TrueLove…there is just NO way that someone your age can advise someone in the age bracket on this thread who have all been married a LONG time. Sorry, but your “advice” just has no basis. In fact, it comes off as disrespectful to tell NSM to “grow up.” You need to grow up and have been through a marriage of over 30 years and then give advice. :D</p>
<p>Although I know many of us old fogies are put off by true love’s post, I do want to commend him/her’s views of marriage as a commitment. Too many people view marriage like a car purchase. You trade in the old model for a new model when the repairs get too costly. How refreshing that a young person still sees marriage for what it is, a commitment, far beyond a legal document. Don’t be too harsh to judge true love. She/he is probably looking at this from the perspective of how he/she would feel if this were his/her parent. Although I was fortunate enough to not come from a broken home, I have witnessed many friends’ parents’ divorces in their teens, and they had similar views to that of true love. Perhaps this thread hit a little too close to home for true love. Again, prayers and comforting thoughts go out to NSM.</p>
<p>NSM…I hope you find it “priceless” and worth a chuckle to have been called “baby cakes” by an 18 year old. Only on CC. ;)</p>
<p>It is one thing to say one firmly believes in commitment and “''til death do us part.” It is quite another to post as a teen in a disrespectful manner to adults using phrases like “you sound juvenile” or “time to grow up lady” and “baby cakes.” It’s not the message or viewpoint as much as the manner in which it was given. </p>
<p>Further, while a teen can have a viewpoint on marriage, I don’t see a teen as capable of advising someone who has been married over 30 years as to how to handle her relationship.</p>
<p>Montegut…who ya callin’ “old fogies”?? :D</p>