<p>I do not for one minute think this is about distance, as others have pointed out. You’ve gotten some good advise here. </p>
<p>The only thing I would like to add is do not ever make the mistake of thinking you fully understand your parents finances. What things look like from an 18yos perspective and reality are often two very different things. There may be something that you are not aware of that they have not shared with you. The last thing you want is to attend a university your parents are hesitant about for financial reasons only to have them tell you in your second or third year you have to transfer because they can no longer afford it.</p>
<p>Best of luck as you make this decision, and congratulations on your many wonderful acceptances.</p>
<p>So…apparently you got accepted to a large public university that is offering you a free ride?? That is NOT listed on your list of accepted schools none of which are public universities.</p>
<p>I’m sorry but I think there is far more to this than just “oh it’s far away and it costs more”…especially since you say your parents can pay for any school.</p>
<p>What kinds of conversations did you have about college BEFORE you applied? Did you discuss distances, going where the money was, etc.?</p>
<p>Bottom line…any of your schools INCLUDING Vandy are great schools. Can’t comment on the school that supposedly is giving you a free ride as that is not on your list of accepted schools.</p>
<p>I can’t say I know everything about my parents finances. But I do know they just recently bought a very nice, very expensive new house. I’m sure that anything can happen in the future. But if the house isn’t a signal of their current financial wellbeing, I don’t know what would be.</p>
<p>Fewer, I would think, from 3,000 miles away than from a four-hour drive away.</p>
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<p>With the benefit of hindsight, the mom says that there were clues that she should have picked up on over the summer, but in the excitement of getting the kid ready for college, she missed them.</p>
<p>I can’t really figure out why your parents let you apply to, or visit, this college if they are going to refuse to allow you to attend. That’s just me.</p>
<p>I actually have had to visit daughter, a plane ride away, because she was overwhelmingly ill her first quarter with the swine, which was badly mistreated and turned into pnuemonia, and she was newly on her own and one of her chem teachers refused to allow her to retake a missed test even though she was forbidden to go to class (contagious) by the health center. She had a fever of astonishing levels.</p>
<p>She would have had to walk five blocks in an unseasonable snow to get her cough medication, and it just got to be time for me to show up and get her calmed down and medicated and help her to write the appropriate emails and make the appropriate phone calls.</p>
<p>All that said, she would not need me to do that for a normal illness, and this one was really completely out of control a short while into her first year of college. I haven’t needed to visit her since then, though there have been times I’m sure she would have liked me to have felt that need. </p>
<p>In the meantime, she’s grown up.</p>
<p>Good luck. I don’t know how this boxing match is going to turn out, but I hope you can manage come fall.</p>
<p>To answer your original question, yes, I have had to rush to a kid in college and, years ago when I was in college, my mom had to rush to me because of illness. But I don’t think that’s the case here.</p>
<p>If I remember correctly, one of your parents works at Vandy, right? And, even though the parent didn’t qualify for tuition discount for you, the school gave you a very nice award, probably some kind of preferential packaging? </p>
<p>Honestly, I think it is about the $ and you should take Vandy. Your schools are all prestigious and Claremont McKenna is wonderful-- but it’s not $80K more wonderful than Vandy. And telling your parents that you will go to a significantly less prestigious school just so you can snub their push to Vandy is cutting your nose to spite your face. </p>
<p>Will you be able to live on campus so you have some autonomy? I would think that Vandy’s big enough that you’re not running across your parent all the time, right?</p>
<p>Chaos…there are MANY people in this country who are “house poor” meaning that much of their income and most of the assets are put into their houses. Just because you have a new expensive, nice house…does NOT mean that your parents have other expendable income. For all you know…they are in hock up to their ears for this house. They wouldn’t be the first to be.</p>
<p>In a thread a couple of weeks ago, you clearly stated that your parents want you to attend Vandy. Unless you have a school where you don’t need a nickel of their support, you may have to compromise on this one. Vandy is a terrific school…terrific.</p>
<p>chaos: I’m a bit concerned that you say that your parents think your doing drugs. I believe you if you say your not but then this type of a relationship is certainly problematic. If you’re not doing drugs, I would venture to say there must be some behavior that you have elicted that gives them concern. Most parents don’t feel that way about their child without good reason. If you have no health issues and are looking to be given some autonomy then perhaps it time to sit down and have an “adult” conversation with them. Demonstrate your maturity and give them ‘time’ to believe in you once again. Again, their doubts did not begin yesterday, you obviously have had a rocky relationship, so give them time to get to know the new and improved you. Someone has to start. Someone has to extend the olive branch. Let it be you. As a matter of fact it has to be you, since you’re the one who wants a school other than Vandy. Also remember that although they may not seem like loving and supportive parents, that parents aren’t perfect. We all try, but it doesn’t mean we do everything right. So give them a chance. Start to try and turn this relationship around. You may think that you don’t need them now, but blood is thick, and you may need them some day. Plus life is too short.</p>
<p>My take (from following chaosakita’s saga) is that her Ps have promulgated a rather idiosyncratic and complicated formula for what they would be willing to pay for this school or that, based on *their *valuation (which more or less comes down to rank). And—correct me if I’m wrong, chaosakita—it doesn’t seem as if chaosakita’s preferences hold much weight. Maybe I’m a pushover. But the preference of the person actually going to school felt like a rather significant factor to me when I was working on a list with my D. </p>
<p>None of us knows what the financial situation is. So, sure, it could be money that’s making chaosakita’s parents push Vandy. It sounds to me as if it’s the combination of location, prestige and money. Which, okay, fine. It’s their money. And I’m sure chaosakita will “bloom where she’s planted” or whatever … But I wish the Ps would weight her preferences a bit more. Sorry. Maybe I’m gonna get flamed for dissing my parental brethren. It sounds like a power struggle to me, one where the people with the money have ALL the power and are not engaging in a dialogue with the person for whom this decision means the most.</p>
<p>Anyway, chaosakita, I really do urge you to figure out whether this is a done deal for your Ps so you can get used to the idea of Vandy (which, of course, is a great option) and get over CMC. That’s if you really do not have a vote here or if the decision has been made.</p>
Annasdad:
I’m thinking maybe she had at least a bit of that intuition so many moms have hinting at the problems, even if she couldn’t put a finger on it, which may have helped tip her to do the trip and go help her D once she realized the symptom. </p>
<p>If we all required our kids to go to college within only a few hour drive of home it sure would change the college landscape somewhat and probably make the college choice easier. As some more anecdotes - once I left for college it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to have my mother come care for me and she never even knew the times I visited the ER (back in the not so connected days), and both of my kids have made ER visits without me/W attending. Somehow we all managed just fine. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have done some nurturing if it was more readily convenient (which it isn’t when they’re on the other side of the country or even when they’re a few hours away but busy, with roomies in their room, still need to do HW, etc.), but it wasn’t ‘needed’.</p>
<p>We told our kids…they could apply to any college within a three hour drive of our house OR within one hour of a close family friend or relative. One went 2 hour drive from home, and the other went within a hour of a close friend or relative.</p>
<p>BUT we told them this before the applications were sent. We definitely would NOT have gone on an accepted student visit all the way across the country…to,a school we didn’t intend to send our kiddo to. </p>
<p>That is the part I find odd about this story…the family went to CMC…why??</p>
<p>In our case, with the plane ride, it’s not really a huge ordeal to get to D’s urban school. It would be more challenging during the winter months at some of the closer to drive to schools, sometimes.</p>
<p>But, that’s really the point, isn’t it Thumper? You do this kind of negotiating “before” the apps go out. After that, ALL acceptances within the agreed upon financial range, once all packages are recienved (for families for whom finances are an issue), are in play.</p>
<p>Even the safety has to be in play, as we found out. :p</p>
<p>I attended a college that was a 10 hour drive away by car and an hour ride by plane. Need to visit me in an emergency? </p>
<p>That thought would struck my parents as absurd barring incapacitating injuries or impending death for the following reasons:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Dad was completely on his own and had to survive on his wits since he was 12 due to being orphaned and having to leave home due to a civil war. </p></li>
<li><p>In their adolescence/young adulthood, college students were expected to behave and act as independent adults…especially considering there was 2 year mandatory military service for males 18 and up and women of the same age had to participate in civil defense drills…including training at military bases with live weapons. Would have been a bit difficult for parents to visit their 18+ son/daughter during their military service/civil defense training period…especially considering this was a period of heightened security concerns due to the prevailing tensions in the Taiwan Straits of the 1950’s. </p></li>
<li><p>In the folks of my parents’/older relatives’ generation…if they felt their child was so needy and incapable of managing on their own to the extent they’d entertain such concerns, they wouldn’t let that child go to college period. That would have been a manifest sign said child was “not college material”.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Different times and thankfully different place. Don’t think you can compare the two situations. In addition, I don’t think you can compare the cultures (Taiwan v. America). Family structures, beliefs, and values are very different. I wouldn’t say this is a fair comparison.</p>
<p>OP has stated elsewhere that she is first generation American and father speaks Chinese (I think) so she is dealing with different ideas about culture, education and the roles of parents and children. I’m not going to guess about where her parents came from originally, but their decisions may be rational based on their cultural understanding of roles.</p>
<p>There’s a lot that’s not clear here. Parents think she’s on drugs; she says she’s not. Parents have more than one house but are getting extensive financial aid for her college. Parents let her look at far away schools and now have doubts about that (maybe because they think she’s using drugs?).</p>
<p>Although I believe that it’s generally not right to change the rules in the middle of the game, these parents may have good reasons (or at least reasons that look good from their perspective) to do so. Maybe they are having financial problems that their child doesn’t know about, or maybe they have the “feeling” (like annasdad mentioned) that something is wrong and don’t want her far away. We have only read one side of the story.</p>
<p>I think parents have differing opinions as to “having to visit.” Certainly my D has had her share of medical issues, and I have wanted to be there to help. But, I didn’t HAVE to and trusted her and her medical providers to handle a myriad of issues. Me being there would not have changed her situation one bit. Blossom mentioned viral pneumonia. Really? That should not require the presence of a parent. Of course, D is at a small college with a caring PA and NP who could give her personalized care.</p>
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