haven't met roommate - change dorm?

DD has been discussing with me. We have looked at the pros and cons, but she is not able to decide. I need some fresh ideas.
DD transfers as a sophomore, she was placed in a very nice dorm, 1 bedroom apartment with a roommate. The roommate is also a transfer. However, roommate is a few years older as the roommate had worked full time. They exchanged social media info, she could see that the roommate is not someone she could be friend with, say roommate occasionally wears heavy make up, sometimes dress provocatively (I don’t think it is really bad), but then we knew that roommates do not have to be BFF and DD is okay with that. In terms of DD, she is sometimes naïve and her friends are mostly younger, kids who never get into trouble. She likes to stay in double rather than single room. I felt that she should stay in freshman dorm, but she hates dorm bathrooms.

There are a few concerns that she has. Roommate has a BF, they do not live far, she is afraid that the BF or roommate’s other friends come to the bedroom. It is a 1 bedroom apartment, therefore it is only two of them, She is also afraid that they will bring alcohol and have parties on weekends, roommate can legally buy alcohol (she got the impression from the roommate’s photos). DD is unlikely to use the kitchen as she does not cook, but she is afraid that the roommate will “make” her clean up. She likes the apartment, it would be ideal if the roommate is someone she knew (In the previous year, she has friends who have BFs, but it never bothered her as she has other friends to talk to and those girls seldom bring BFs to their rooms). She has a chance to move to another building, but the other apartment is not as nice, there is always the possibility that she does not get along with the new roommate. I suggest her to move to a 4 single room apartment, while it increases the chance of getting a difficult roommate, but at least she won’t be alone if there is one and can just stay in her room if needed. Obviously, if no one cleans, she will be cleaning a 4 people apartment. She also felt bad to think of moving without even meeting the roommate (kind of judging someone without meeting the person). She does not feel that the roommate is a bad person, but just concern with the potential traffic and noise in the apartment with a shared bedroom. She asked the roommate but did not get a direct response regarding the BF.

In her previous year in a dorm, she has an agreement with her roommate that they informed each other before bringing friends to the room, but it is difficult if it were a 1 bedroom apartment.
Is she over-thinking? Is 1 bedroom apartment bad to take a chance? If she does not move now, it will be difficult in the middle of the semester.

I think she should move. Her current roommate deserves to have someone who will judge her based on her personality and actions instead of making assumptions based on how much makeup she wears or how she dresses. If your daughter has decided they can’t be friends without having met her based on her looks then they’re both better off if she lives somewhere else. If she’s using that as an excuse because she’s concerned about living with an adult who has an adult life (boyfriend, full-time job, established friends) then she should move to a place that has other students like her. That place will probably be a dorm, not an off campus apartment. She has to decide if she dislikes dorm bathrooms enough to put with the trade-offs of apartment living.

Yes, you are both overthinking. Let’s see how it goes before moving rooms. Maybe the girl is nice.

It may be a moot point as it’s pretty late to be looking for housing on most college campuses. Many schools have overcrowding issues.

She needs to not make judgements based on someone’s social media presence and make a roommate agreement, just like in any other situation. They are adults.

I suggest your child have an adult discussion with roommate. Ask questions about BF and expectations about BF coming over often, sleeping over, etc.

As a transfer student, your child needs connections with a wide variety of students. A different living situation might provide more connections to younger students who have more of a desire to cultivate friendships.

I see the potential of feeling alone and left out if BF is constantly present in apartment. And an older student who may not have desire or need to make friends.

What is your child’s personality? Will she seek out friendships on her own? Is her transfer purely for academic/financial reasons, or did she not find her tribe at her first college?

If her transfer is more for social fit, ask her questions and get her thinking about how dorm living might give her more contact with greater number of potential friends. And find out options for spring semester if she wants to switch to another living situation.

You and she have a lot of fears without having met the person. Roommates often aren’t great buddies. Question is whether they can co-exist for a year. Your D should have a plan to build a social life outside her roommate. But any college student should have that.

If she moves now, she may be doing the roommate a favor. Way too many assumptions.

I thought my son was weird for not wanting to look up anything about his roommate on social media ahead of time. Now I see perhaps that was the wiser choice. I can’t imagine that any of us would want people to base their impressions of us based solely on what we’ve posted on social media.

Considering all the pros and cons listed, I think she should move to the 4-single room apartment. At least she would have her own bedroom. Sharing a bedroom with someone with (likely) a very different lifestyle might be more uncomfortable. (Had that experience myself several times with randomly assigned roommates during my college years.) And if she is the only other roommate, (potential) conflict could feel more intense in the two-person/one bedroom apartment.
Btw, my D chose a roommate based on social media info.–and that girl switched out (no reason given–maybe she found someone better or didn’t like D’s info. Maybe she wanted a different dorm…) Another girl switched into the room–seemed good, they had some things in common. (All happened before move in.) Turned out not to be a good roommate for reasons not apparent until actually living together.

I agree at @twocollegekids. This seems like a lot of really harsh judgement. You have only seen this girl’s social media and have already formulated her into being the worst monster on the planet. Very rude.

I would say, as a student, try out the roommate. At some point in your life, you will have to live with someone who isn’t like you. Expand your horizons and give her a shot.

I agree that maybe wait and meet but it seems that these two are not aligned. If the roomate is a few years older that is a lot by college standards. I would talk to housing, since this seems like University housing and see what her options are. At least you might have some options so she doesn’t feel stuck.

My daughter her first year asked for an international student. She got one but she was 2 years older. She was nice but they had like nothing in common. Had nothing to do with being an international. Just being 2 years older was the difference.

Your daughter has not reached the maturity level of working full time, probably paying for schools on her own etc. She will want to go to bars and have drinks in the apartment and yes have her boyfriends over. It’s her right to have the freedom and do college the way she wants to but same goes for your daughter.

I know we all try to be PC around here but I would rather avoid the drama since it seems your daughter is already uptight about her situation. Not blaming her but why go into a situation that can be avoided but your daughter will have to make the concessions to do so.

Alot of “what ifs” going on here. Wowser. If the way someone dresses or looks on social media or is older or your D is concerned because she is older she’ll be bossy is a real concern your D should find her her own bedroom housing situation quickly. .Otherwise, I’d tell her to stop putting the cart before the horse.

Regular dorm and shared bath is going to give her a lot more social opportunities. And privacy, assuming her room would be a single.

I don’t think it’s awful of you to have concerns. I’m not sure what she should do other than maybe talk directly with the roommate on the phone or in person and see if that helps make up her mind. Is there a living room where guests can be entertained and kept out of the bedroom?

It sounds like you are a very caring mother who’s trying to help her child, but you can’t try to fix a problem that’s not there. The assigned roommate could end up being the nicest and most considerate person to live with. You honestly can’t tell from some social media posts. At the very least, she could give it a chance. Since you say she doesn’t already have someone else in mind to room with, if she changes roommates, it could be an even worse match.

My S had a roommate his first year who drank excessively, blasted music, brought girls to the room all the time, and was disgustingly messy. He’s a quiet person and had never dealt with anyone like that before, but he learned to speak up for himself. He survived the year despite all of the drama, and managed to have a great GPA. More importantly, he gained the ability to stand up for his rights.

Let your D figure this one out on her own. Regardless of what she chooses to do, she’s going to have to learn how to live with different kinds of people. If she’s in any type of dorm situation, she’ll have to be less judgmental and more flexible.

I actually think it’s going to be difficult to have an older roommate – one who’s over 21 and works as well as goes to school – when you’re in your first year. I’d see if you can transfer…and hallway dorm bathrooms are great…that is literally how you make friends at a new place.

She seems to have a lot of fears and the opinion she’s incapable of facing them.

My eldest kids best roommate looked like a partier and she was BUT, she was a really good and considerate roommate. She had lots of friends because she was a really kind and fun person. She was also 2 years older and it was no big deal. Her worst roommate looked like a church mouse but she never washed her bedding, would take D’s food and started dating a guy whom she then tried to have repeatedly sleep over in their one room! Boyfriend even used D’s toothbrush. Gross. While I feel bad for the girl, her dropping out the next semester was good news for our D.

If it’s even an option, your D should decide for herself but always be careful you don’t just exchange a perceived problem with a real one.

What is the age difference ? How many years is a few years older ? Three ? Five ?

Your daughter needs to find out if changing forms is even an option now. Where my kids both went to college, the schools were over enrolled. There were forced triples, and the like. Incoming kids could put their names on a list for open rooms, but there were no guarantees rooms would become available. In addition, there was a “pecking order” and upperclass students were first up, then freshmen.

Transfer students were the bottom of the food chain.

So…I would suggest the following.

  1. Have your daughter find out if moving is even an option.
  2. Go to college and meet this roommate with an open mind. She could turn out to be just plain fabulous as a roommate.
  3. Remember, if she moves into another shared room, her new roommate might not be her cup of tea either.

And lastly, I would strongly encourage your daughter to manage this situation…herself.

The OP’s daughter is not a freshman, but I can see that since she’s new to the school, it might make more sense to be in a freshman dorm. I lived with a 30 year old woman when I was in grad school. I enjoyed hearing about her experiences of being a little further along in the world. (However we shared an apartment not a room.)