If she has a boyfriend who lives close by…she MAY be going to his place IF she does want to sleepover rather than bringing him to the room shared with OP’s D. The roommate seems to be paying for her own education. If so, I doubt she’ll be partying 24/7.
The idea that the roommate would “make” your non-cooking D clean up is just…strange.
I’m an incoming freshman and I’d be creeped out tbh.
I think the age difference might not be ideal. Sounds like OP’s daughter is very young.
When I was a very young freshman, I transferred schools and housing was limited so I had to live off campus. I had a grad school roommate and she was very nice, but we didn’t ‘hang out’. I transferred again, and again had a grad school roommate (very nice but she stayed at her boyfriend’s house every night), another roommate who was a junior, and one who was not going to school that semester but staying in town to work. Nothing wrong with any of them, but we had very little in common. It wasn’t the fun experience I think I would have had with others of my age. The guys across the hall were fun, and I became friends with them. I joined a sorority and spent a lot of time there.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll know if this roommate will work out until you get there. A lot will depend on the dorm/hallway. There must be a reason this older student wants to live in the dorm where she’ll have to follow the rules of no alcohol (some schools enforce that strictly), sharing a room, having a meal plan.
I can understand why a younger college student would rather room with a peer of her own age. Even if roommates aren’t necessarily going to become friends, it’s nice when they have a shared experience in common. This potential roommate sounds like she has a lot more experience living out in the world. I find it surprising that she would be okay moving in with a younger, more traditional student.
But on the plus side, she must be highly motivated, perhaps even paying her own way, as a student if she was willing to work for a few years and then return to get her degree. I imagine she has good study habits.
Dorm matching is not like tissue typing for an organ transplant, folks.
Smoker living with a non-smoker? That’s tough although given the number of smoke free dorms, it’s less problematic than it used to be.
Otherwise? learning to live with a roommate is part of what you are paying for. Kids can be flexible if they are motivated. Kids can learn good negotiating skills. Kids can learn to assert themselves appropriately without being nasty.
All good lessons for the real world. If I were the OP I would not be so quick to swoop in and rescue here. For one- the assigned roommate might be fantastic. (Tidy, responsible, considerate and quiet). And for the other- at one point does a kid need to learn how to talk things out? If you live with a slob, it’s perfectly OK to set some ground rules. But if you never live with a slob, it’s much harder later in life (like when you’re married?) to learn to discuss these issues in a direct and non confrontational manner.
@twoinanddone the OP daughter is a transfer student…so she isn’t THAT young. It’s not like she is 17.
Honestly, I think this is one of those times when a parent listens and supports what their kid is saying…but then says something like “see what you can work out. Talk to residence life. Keep me in the loop if you want to.”
And then let’s the college sophomore figure it out.
When I went to school as a freshman, I was placed with a sophomore. So she had her own friends, and no interest in hanging out with a freshman.
Not only that, she was a smoker (this was 1984). My father had just died from lung cancer due to smoking, so you can imagine how that felt.
We got along okay, but were never friends. The next semester she went abroad, and I got another sophomore as a roommate. We co-existed, but that was about it.
So everything that could go wrong in housing freshman year did for me, lol. But it forced me to find other people to hang out with.
There are times when pre-emptively asking for a switch is appropriate. My D did this. She was transferring to a new school after being out of school for 3 semesters to deal with some mental health issues. She was assigned to an on-campus apartment with 3 other girls. When she reached out, she learned the 3 other girls had been best friends since freshman year, told her she shouldn’t bring anything for the common room and kitchen because they had it covered, told her that on weekends they liked to party, host football gatherings, etc (D HATES football)–bottom line, it was clear she was moving into THEIR space and would not be welcomed. She wrote a long, detailed letter to housing and they moved her before the move-in date.
Sophomore year dd was placed in a quad with single bedrooms. It was the ADA dorm which the university decided to turn in to Living Learning Communities. Since dd is ADA she had to apply for a community to stay in that dorm. She was placed with two juniors and a senior. All except dd were over 21. One was a transfer student who’s facebook page looked pretty “wild”. The four actually got along and the “wild” one had grown up and put her energy into finishing school. The four sat down and came up with reasonable rules like no alcohol, no guests sleeping in their private lounge without prior notice, etc. It was agreed that the two with the smallest rooms (the size of my bathroom) could claim a corner of the lounge for additional space. Dd is still friends with two of them and roomed with one of them the next year. Things could have turned out differently if they all would have started with a preconceived notion about the transfer student or each other for that matter.
Statistically, an older student going back to school is more “settled” than a traditional student. The roommate has probably gotten all of her party desires out of her system and is in school to be a serious student, especially if paying for it herself. Also, kids who have been out in the real world for a bit also tend to be more studious and make better grades. And, as someone who turned 21 months before her same-grade roommate, I can personally assure you that most dorms won’t allow a 21-year-old to have alcohol in a dorm if there is an underage roommate. (The beer was ironically my underaged roommate’s.)
Honestly, I think this roommate could be more of a “big sister” type roommate and a positive influence. I would encourage your DD to give it a go before requesting a transfer. It is possible that the next - younger - roommate could be the one who is the nightmare.
I have been helping my daughters to move and not been updating this post. A few short responses… There were availability and DD had an opportunity to move. The physical age difference is around 2 1/2 years, but DD is naïve for her age (not going to specifics for anonymity). I am proud that she raised her concerns. As someone wrote, if she could avoid it why took the risk. However, she decided to stay to give it a chance.
DD moved in yesterday. She arrived earlier, she texted her roommate on which bed the roommate wanted, (both side are near identical) the roommate said she would take whatever side remaining but would be coming. DD cleaned one bed and put some of her stuff on the bed. Roommate said she was coming, we didn’t unpack the pots and utensils and waited for 1 1/2 hour, finally decided to get lunch and buy food to stock up. When we got back, we seemed to walk into someone else’s apartment. The kitchen has 4 cabinets above the counter and each cabinet has 3 shelves, the lower 2 shelves of all the cabinets have been filled. The top shelf is something that will require a stepping stool. I think the roommate’s idea was that they could share. DD will wait till Monday to see her roommate to discuss the situation.
I am not following. Is her roommate not there this weekend?
I am waiting on the update from my son who’s roommate comes today…
^^DD was not there this weekend.
DD received a text from roommate to ask DD for $80 as she bought some stuff and spent much more than the amount. DD asked what were bought, and found out it included utensils and other things that DD has also bought. I asked DD just pay so as to have a good start, I don’t mind paying for bot girls’ essentials such as paper towels, detergents etc for a full year. But then she asked DD on getting decorative pillows and on decorating the living room. I thought it is a little too much.
Let them figure it out on their own. The phrase, “I’m sure you and your roommate can work it out” is your friend.
Your daughter needs to manage this…but frankly, I would NOT pay $80 for things that were not previously agreed upon purchases.
And i would ask to see the receipts…if she does decide to pay.
DD is planning to talk to roommate when she goes back to the dorm, but I initially made the comment of just paying. I will leave it to them. If it were me, I am not sure I would ask for the receipt at this time as the girl may not have kept the receipt (We didn’t keep ours, we didn’t expect to be reimbursed for the initial purchase, the roommate did not ask DD how much she spent either). I think the problem was because the roommate has never lived in a dorm as she transferred from CC.
And the problems begin… Don’t have your daughter pay for anything she already has. The roommate should not assume anything. The decorating should be left up to them but it seems like the older roommate is an “A” type personality and your daughter is not. In the long run this could be a good thing but in the short term your daughter will be taken advantage of if she doesn’t create boundaries now. Next will be the food bill etc. Again, your daughter should not pay for anything she already had or doesn’t want or need. The other girl can return stuff also.
My son just moved in and yes we were happy too buy whatever. I. They actually talked prior but if there are two toilet brushes then the roommate can return his.
They need to communicate better. If your dd isn’t interested in throw pillows or decorating the lounge, she needs to make that clear that it is on the roommate to do and pay for that decorating. Who is taking home the items that were jointly bought and none consumable? When my dd moved into an apartment with 2 friends, they had a group message going on facebook as to what they needed for the apartment and who had what. One had a vacuum, mine had skillets and pots, another had dishes and bakeware. The only thing the bought together was the kitchen garbage can. At the end of the year they took home what they had purchased and the garbage can went with the other two since they were going to be getting married. I lived the closest and the grocery stores were not the greatest there, so I would get the list of what was needed. I bought and froze ground beef, but another roommates parents bought them boxes of frozen chicken breasts. When they needed a rug for the front door during the winter, I found one on clearance and we brought it home at the end of the year. I got pasta’s cheap so they shared. We hit a deal on hot dogs (50 cents a package) which only the other two ate, so they paid dd and froze them. Two drank one type of milk and the other another, so two split milk and one bought their own. Basically they had well balanced meals, and only bought perishables. At the way things are going, it is probably best that they buy their own food and basically put a line down the middle of the fridge. They should also have one designated area that is shared such as food that they can’t finish and will be going bad soon, so that only items in that area (even shared cookware) can be used without issue, any place else, it’s hands off.
This is more than communication. The roommate never asked permission to buy joint items, and be reimbursed. So,sorry, but time to put ones foot down. If you can return some of the decorative items, great. And I would either insist on rotation of shelves, so I could reach, or the subtraction of the foot stool.