The other thing is that if you own half a frying pan, you can’t take it home with you. I think in a general way it’s better for utensils to belong to one person or the other, and then you take your stuff back at the end of the year. Try not to get to many things that might break.
@bookworm: I agree with you.
In my opinion, this is a very bad start. Text the roommate & politely state that you need to be informed ahead of time about any proposed joint purchases. This seems as if the older roommate is experienced in taking advantage of another. Regardless of whether or not that is an accurate impression, it seems that she is inconsiderate & setting your daughter up to be the bad person if she stands up for herself and objects.
^^exactly. In addition, I have seen roommates getting upset with each other when one party overcooked and damaged a pot, it became difficult to replace part of a set and the other party was not happy.
When DD talked to her father, her father also suggested her to pay so as to “maintain” a good relationship. DD is planning to discuss on what will be shared and what will not be moving forward.
At this point, we think that the roommate is just not used to dorm room living.
Agree that paying the $80 is wise. But that it needs to be clearly stated that any further joint purchases should not be assumed & should be discussed beforehand.
Hopefully the older roommate is fine & just trying to get the apartment in order. But I think that an unstated concern throughout this thread is that your daughter might be manipulated.
I agree with @GloriaVaughn , your daughter needs to communicate better. As someone who is concerned with how your daughter was going to deal with the roommate, I think that you have enabled your daughter in this lack of communication.
When your D texted her roommate, to let her know that she was there and asking about which side of the room she wanted, she could have easily texted that she brought some of her housewares with her and would begin placing them in one of the cabinet.
I understand that you waited for roommate to arrive and then went to lunch. Did your D text roommate to let her know that she were stepping out, would be returning shortly and is looking forward to meeting her and discussing any additional things they need for the room?
It sounds like when the 2 of you got back from lunch and saw the apartment, that your D still made no effort to reach out to her roommate when she got back? This could have been a simple hey I am back at the apartment and I would really like to meet up with you before I go home for the weekend.
With all of your concerns and worries (that you are passing on to your D), I don’t understand why you drove home your D home for the weekend without daughter still not having an opportunity to meet her roommate.
Right now, it seems like it is your D who is not used to living in a dorm situation, it seems that she is not used to communicating in new social situations without interventions from you.
I think that there were a lot of disconnects and miscommunications that could have been avoided. Since you are the one with all of the concerns, it would have been worth the inconvenience to get home a little later and allow these 2 young women to have a face to face conversation to work out their living arrangements.
Playing devil’s advocate here I’ll write the same post from the point of view of the new roommate:
I have a new roommate. We’re both transfers. From social media she looks really young for her age but you don’t have to be best friends with your roommate, right?
On move-in day she texted me that she was in the room and I said she could take whatever side she wanted and that I’d be there soon. It took me a little longer than expected to get there so I wasn’t surprised she’d gone to lunch. There was nothing in the kitchen so I unpacked my things. I figured we could rearrange things over the weekend. I realized we didn’t have any utensils or pots and pans so I bought some inexpensive ones for us and asked her to split the cost. I also asked whether she’d like to buy a few things to brighten up the living room and make it our own. My roommate went MIA for the weekend so I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her about any of this or work out the ground rules face to face. I just got a text from her saying she’d already bought kitchen stuff. Then why didn’t she unpack it or at least tell me she had it in her boxes?
@Sue22: While I think that it is wise to examine another point of view, the fact is that texting makes communication very easy and that there are some issues which should be addressed before taking action which obligates another.
@publisher, it appears they could both have done a better job of communicating. I was just illustrating the fact that the roommate may not be the manipulative control freak some seem to be making her out to be. In time the OP’s daughter may find her to be a good friend.
I understand & I agree. And it appears that you understand my point with respect to communication.
I’m still wondering why @annamom daughter didn’t stay on campus after unpacking. If she wants to become part of the fabric of her on campus community, she needs to be there!
In addition, if she had been there…much of this purchasing miscommunication could have been solved…in person…because this daughter would have been there.
Sounds to me like too much texting here and not enough face to face talking. I know from a bad roommmate situation I went through with my daughter- these kids rely way too much on texting because it’s easier. But texting lends itself to misunderstandings. They should have a sit-down over pizza or coffee and talk to each other. Many dorms require roommates to sit down together and fill out a standard roommate agreement during the first week for exactly this reason.
@sybbie719 you have made some wrong assumptions.
On the day of the move-in, we expected to see the roommate and we did. We didn’t unpack for the kitchen, but DD’s stuff for the kitchen was in the living room. She texted her roommate as she did not want the roommate to think she just left everything a mess when the roommate arrived. After lunch, she texted her roommate the estimated time we would be back, the roommate decided to wait for us but the roommate had to leave and did not return until 2 days ago. We met briefly but no one tried to exam everything as we did not expect someone would just take up the cabinet space. We are not angry but just thought that no one who has lived in a dorm would just take up all the cabinet space.
When we unpacked and as there was no cabinet space, DD put some of her kitchen stuff neatly on the counter and the consumables such as toilet paper, paper towel and dish detergents inside the cabinets where roommate put them.
Hence we were a little surprise when the roommate asked her for money yesterday. We already told the roommate that we were not interested in buying the decorative pillows as we think it was too much. I am not going to debate with you who is not used to dorm living.
At this time, we hope that everything will be resolved when DD returns to the dorm.
@annamom: Trust your instincts. You seem to be a very reasonable & level headed person.
Some things–many things–in life are expected as common courtesies. That is reasonable.
OP- practice saying two things:
1- Gee, that sounds challenging (or frustrating, depending on what it is)
2- I’m sure you’re going to work it out. You are so good at things like this.
It does your D no good to have you so 'in the loop" on things like where the toilet paper and dish detergent go, even if you think you’re helping your D by giving her a place to vent. This is why you want her in college- to transition from living in YOUR house, with your way of dealing with life, to living on her own, with perhaps a different (but no less valid) way of dealing with things.
As long as your D is not in danger from her roommates meth-deranged visitors, you will have a MUCH better year if you disengage. And your D will as well. Presumably she has a budget- so she knows that if she’s paying for throw pillows, she won’t have that money for pizza or movies later in the month. Let her work it out. It is empowering for a young person to navigate these kinds of issues on their own.
@blossom you are also making assumptions here.
@annamom
I wrote my response and the responses of others are based on what you said transpired when you went to move in with your D.
You have not done a god job of communicating what transpired. You did not tell the whole story at the beginning and now you are in your feelings saying that people are making the wrong assumption about your situation.
Much of this situation could have been avoided if there were better more open lines of communication between your D and her roommate. I get you love your kid, but you are an enabler who is not giving her the space to work things out like a young adult.
I am making no assumptions- I am reading your posts, and can only take at face value what you are writing. Post additional details if need be.
All of us have had college kids, and I bet very few of us have any clue whose paper towels went where or who paid for that month’s toilet paper. You posted about domestic details that most parents don’t know about- and don’t care to know about. How my slob of a son managed to live with the super organized and incredibly clean son of a career military officer for several years- I haven’t a clue. They worked it out. Presumably they learned to communicate “You need to make your bed” or “can you fold your laundry before my folks get here for a visit”.
I assume nothing. But if you are looking for support right now that the roommate is a terrible fit for your D, you aren’t going to get it- this sounds like a very trivial bump in the road, and they may well end up being VERY compatible roommates.
@sybbie719 Yes, you made assumptions. I am not sure how many people would post every single text they communicated, probably you should ask before drawing the conclusion. It was just a simple matter, a roommate decided to put her stuff to take up the cabinets, as someone mentioned, it is just basic courtesy. IMO, text or no text is irrelevant. The roommate asked to be reimbursed without prior discussion, whether my DD stayed in the dorm in the past few days, or met with the roommate is also irrelevant. (BTW, this is my DD’s third year in a dorm living, she began as a commuter in a boarding school but shared a room)
@blossom. I didn’t think your comments deserve an answer. But here it goes. There is nothing wrong for me to know where her toilet paper or the dish detergent go as I helped her to move in. While there, I had to go to the bathroom and it was difficult not to know where they put the toilet paper (and as you wrote, in the loop). I mentioned those items in an earlier post was to explain that regardless of whether there was any text message, the roommate would have known DD already have the stuff. In addition, there is nothing wrong for parents to give advice to their kids, we suggested her to pay and the decision is her. As we can see, there are posters who think it is okay to pay and there are posters who disagree, there are reasons with both. As a parent, I like my kids to see another opinion from me. You may have a different relationship with your kids (but that would be my assumption).
You are making another wrong assumption. I am not looking for support that the roommate is a terrible fit. It does not help DD to even remotely think that the roommate is a not a fit at this time. If the roommate is truly not a good fit, she should discover it for herself and not from me. (you may have thought differently for your kid, but it would be my assumption).
There was a big mix up when my daughter moved into her dorm room, so instead of moving in at noon, she didn’t move in until 5. By then, the other 3 kids and their parents had moved everything into the common areas (each girl had a single room and they shared a common room, kitchenette, and bathrooms). There was one (pre-assigned) cabinet in the kitchen for my daughter, but every single inch of the rest of the suite was taken - shelving and twinkle lights and chairs and a TV cabinet/TV/video gaming. Rugs and posters and decorations were all up. They’d even hung a row of Command strips down the hallway to hang up their lacrosse sticks. My daughter had her room and her cabinet.
My daughter is a minimalist. She didn’t care that the others took over every inch, decided on the colors, bought all the kitchen stuff. They did not ask her to pay for any of it. About half way through the year one girl got huffy and took all her stuff, including the toaster, into her room. And they all lived.
ALL the others, even the huffy girl, asked my daughter to be roommates the next year. D is no fuss, clean, and likes to bake. Perfect roommate.
My kids live so far away that I have no idea if they even use toilet paper =))