This is not a representative sample. We are on CC because of dedication to our offspring and being parents. Or at least that’s why I have stayed.
I can’t think of anything better to do with one’s life. I thought it was most responsible to have only one. But then, well, maybe another, as it seemed wrong to deprive him of siblings. That was twins and I’d won the lottery in fun, as well as a lot of work, expense, and responsibility. But overwhelmingly, I am so grateful to have won that lottery and had three.
That being said, there is no mandate to reproduce at this point in time, and if you prefer to spend your life doing something else, I’m all for it. But observing those who are lifelong childless, there is a perspective lacking, that I am glad to have been able to experience.
i am on the ‘maybe-not’ side. s’s problem with mental illness in his mid 20s, is harder than even a ‘life or death’ problem. it consumed us for the past 3 years with no end in sight. so, it is a definite ‘maybe not’ for me. the blessings with children are not worth this amount of suffering. it is a definite ‘yes’ for my other children whom i hold dearly in my heart, but you can never know before hand or for most until children grow into their twenties. one child’s problem is like an atomic bomb to us. life is full of challenges, but in my wildest dreams, i never imagined anything like this. a quarter to a third of american adults are said to suffer from the mental illness every year. maybe because there is no cure attainable in the lifetime of the present generation, the investment in research seems not enough. the mental illness, which has no closure to the pain for the family and for the patient, is only on the rise. i’d really like to see that we put a far more emphasis, resource and effort than now in the brain research [politicians like donald trump only opens their filthy and accusing mouth and they have no clue how much toll this brings to the patient and to the entire family for the rest of their lives.]… severe mental illness is much worse than even an cute terminal cancer in that this disease has no closure to the suffering. and therefore mental illness deserves far more investment in the medical research even though we will not see cure in our lifetimes. parents and families with children afflicted with severe mental illness, particularly the college kids, suffer more and longer than the people with any bodily illness. the chances of having a child with mental illness, which can develop in college, are very significant.
My sister will be 30 in a few months and has no plans on ever having children. Truthfully, I think she would really regret them if she did (and she says she is way too selfish to be a parent). Her mother openly wishes she never had children (she has my sister and then two more sons with her 2nd husband). She is mentally ill and my sister has the same tendencies (it’s not because she thinks she’ll pass on her genes that she doesn’t want kids). I also know a handful of people (all women, strange enough) of my parents’ generation who regret having their kids. I don’t, however, know anyone who didn’t have kids who has regretted it.
I was very ambivalent about it. I work in a mental health capacity with children and I had heard a lot of histories of how things can go wrong, and while I am still dedicated to help in this capacity, I was fearful of having to deal with any of the many long term kid problems myself on a day in day out basis at home. We didn’t really have a family history that would increase our chances of problems, but I was afraid nonetheless. Once pregnant we were thrilled beyond any fear. Unfortunately, while I felt great pregnant, an incompetent cervix landed me on bedrest for four and a half months, there were other complications, so it turned out to be a feat of medical intervention that my daughter made it to full term. It has been an amazing experience to raise this person, and I am so grateful that she made it. She is one of the best parts of my life. Her existance has made me a better person and a better professional. There is something very important about that parent/child connection that is hard to comprehend fully as a professional who works with children until one has a child.
No regrets, if I hadn’t been pregnancy impaired, we might have gone on to have more. She takes my breath away.
@col2cal brings up an extremely valid point. Easy to say we love it with no extreme circumstances like severe mental health issues. But, I think the Ann Landers question was for the general public of course. I remember that it was like around 75% that said no!! Even my Dad agreed…haha.
Personally, even with the issues we have had with out one son,mi have no regrets. Now that they are older I wish I had more. The early years were just so exhausting for me, I never understood how people kept wanting more…I wondered what was wrong with me. I think it was the sleep deprivation.
To OP…I was adamant about not wanting kids until I hit 30. People change.
I have three. Stopped because I wanted to be able to provide a nice quality of ife while not having to worry about money including sending them to college. Had I known our financial position now, I would have had five. But I can certainly understand those who don’t want children. They are so much work and worry.
I don’t know anyone who regretted having children. I do know those who wished they had more. I also know childless people who wished they had children. My oldest son is 35 now and single. I hope he doesn’t regreat his choices. I know there’s still time but he seems to think it’s not for him. Luckily for me, his siblings have given me four grandchildren so far. Had he been my only child I would be so sad.
My only regret is not having more than one, but it just didn’t happen. But I feel churlish saying that, because the one daughter I have is truly a wonderful one! Being one of 7 myself, I only hope she isn’t lonely ( lots of cousins for her though!)
I was never one of those people who couldn’t wait to have kids, but always figured I wanted them. I also knew that I only wanted two, which is what I have. There have been some tough parenting times and I would certainly be a lot better off financially without them , but no regrets! Two was the perfect number for me.
D is recently married and definitely wants kids though not right away.
@col2cal thank you for your honesty and for sharing this perspective. I have two great kids who have been easy to parent. But I can see the capacity for anguish. I can also acknowledge how much of myself was lost giving them so much. Unexpected circumstances arose and I separated from H when D left for college. I had a miscarriage when she was 2 years old and I have thought many a time how much easier my new life transition is since both kids are out of the house and I don’t have any “at home”. Life is full of surprises and it’s hard to imagine what is ahead or what could have been.
We are all a product of biology. It is fairly unlikely to regret having children, much more so to regret not having children.
There is also the tendency, I would think, for someone to be hesitant to admit that they regret having children.
Hard to use evidence of someone who is still of child-having age saying they do not want children…does not mean they will not regret the decision when they get into their twilight.
Love my 4 kids of course – only wanted 3 but had a surprise in my late 30s - and have always felt somewhat smug on how happy we all are with our family.
but i can definitely see another side and sometimes feel wistful as i watch my single somewhat-affluent-sister (who can’t have kids) . There’s a freedom and a world she experiences that i cant fathom right now. I wouldn’t trade positions; but i also dont feel sorry her.
^^ I have 2 friends that never have had kids. They live in other states and I see their FB pages and annual XMAS newsletters and their lives are full of travel and just fun with friends and activities. They really have made a fun and full life for themselves. I had an aunt and uncle who were childless…the same with them. You don’t need children to have a fantastic life…and those kids can bring worry, heartache and …anger…you never knew you had. It’s not all fun that’s for sure. But being on this side, what my friends will not experience is that unconditional love you have for another human being…it’s such a unique type of love.
Now, there are things in their lives I will never know…so they can say the same thing I’m sure. Many life experiences and other emotions I will never know. There’s not just one way.
However, I do think in your twilight years it might be a little lonely if you have lost your spouse.
Regarding having a special needs child and/or being in one’s “twilight” years – I guess I could be considered to be in my twilight as I am 68 (son #2 was born when I was 43), and one of my boys is on the autism spectrum – and I still don’t regret having kids.
I’m happy and would do it again, but I certainly understand not wanting to have children, and I don’t necessarily think that people who don’t want them are going to regret it later in life. People build lives around all kinds of things.
Never for a second have I ever regretted having my kids. What I DO regret is deciding to stop at 2.
My husband desperately wanted more kids (he is a fabulous dad), and I had agreed to a third, but I chickened out. At the time, my husband was a young associate in a large law firm and working 80 hours a week. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, but I was worried a third would be too much. I was wrong. Those years were joyful and a third little person would have enhanced our family. It is truly a major regret.
I had one and then I was done. It has nothing to do with whether or not I have a “great kid” (I do). But I knew from the start that she was all I wanted. And I do not regret it at all. And she has never complained about being an only child. She has always relished the extra attention and opportunities that it afforded her. It made her a more outgoing social being. In the end, with our circumstances, it was the right choice.
However I am very happy that her fiancé has a large extended family. She experienced the joy of being with a HUGE family this last Christmas and she had a fabulous time.
We have three and I don’t (mostly) regret any of them. However, because I had two miscarriages, they are fairly spread out in age. I do sometimes regret that the baby has 7 years at home as an “only”. She would have benefited greatly from a close in age sibling.
@Hanna
My mom would've kept going until she couldn't have any more. No target in mind, just lots. My dad wanted 1 or maybe 2, and finally put his foot down after 4.
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I am the fourth, the only one who lives near my parents, and the one who is closest to my dad.
We often joke about the fact that I’m only here because he didn’t get his way.
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And, I’m sure he has long been glad that he didn’t.
This reminds me of my parents. My dad didn’t mind having a large family, but maybe not as large as ours was (7 kids). When my mom had an “oops” at age 40, my dad was 50! I think he was embarrassed being a new daddy again along with his much younger employees. In those days, couples were often “done” when they were in their late 20s. My mom felt odd having #6 in her mid 30s, and really felt old having #7 at 40.
However, my much younger brother ended up being dad’s best friend. Even once my little brother had 4 kids of his own, he and my dad spent at least 1-2 days together each week. Living just a couple miles from each other, they tackled every home-project or car-repair together. When my dad died, we all were very sad, but my little brother was especially upset.
Absolutely would do it again, exactly the same as the first time. The wife and I joke that we should be paid to have kids. I regret a number of things in my life, but the three kids are not one of them, our attempt at the betterment of the species.
We know several people who chose not to have kids, and our youngest is saying he does not want any, and we are fine with that choice. We do find it sad that a number of our friends and relatives who would have made great parents but never had them.
, but no regrets! Two was the perfect number for me.