My only regret is not having more . . .
I can only think that having my 2 was “meant to be.” We really did want 2 more but it just never came to be. Never bothered with fertility treatments, just got periodic checkups and was told all was working as it should. H did same. So while I am very happy with the 2 I have, I do sometimes think about what my life would be like with 2 more. I think children keep you young. Anyway, technically I am still able so who knows? 
Definitely, would have loved to have at least one more.
“And, I’m sure he has long been glad that he didn’t.”
It was a hard road to get here. My mental illness put my parents through pure hell. From age 7 through 17 or so, no one in the family could have predicted that I would become the most stable, happy adult among the four of us. It’s a really weird outcome. And on top of it, here I am having a fantasy career, getting paid well to help families like mine.
People tell me I’d be thrilled if I did have a baby, and evidence suggests that they are probably right. But should I bet someone else’s life on it? Nope. That’s what makes this an easy call, albeit one with down sides.
I was on the phone with my mom today and asked her about this. We are a brutally honest family and she wouldn’t lie just because I’m her kid.
I knew she wanted two and I asked her if she ever regretted only having one. She said she did at the time (I was a horrendous baby and that’s why she didn’t have more) but given all the medical issues she, my dad, and I have, she’s happy she only has one. She said she didn’t think she could emotionally take another family member being in and out of the hospital. I know financially it was a huge burden- especially after my dad’s accident left us without our primary income.
I told Mr R in no uncertain terms that if whatever is going on with me is inherited (I’m still being poked and prodded to figure out what immune disorder I have), that I do not want to have biological children. I will not put them through this even if the odds of them getting whatever I have are relatively low. My mom has an autoimmune disease that developed in her later years and now it seems I have a different one. It’s just not something I want to burden yet another person with because, frankly, it’s kind of a miserable way to live sometimes. Instead, we’ll adopt. I’ll probably have regrets if that happens but I won’t regret not passing this crap on to yet another.
Does anyone worry about the struggles the next generations will face? I think that would be a big consideration for someone making that decision now. I know that every generation has had struggles, but I do worry for the future.
My older daughter, who so far desires to remain childless, has expressed great concern about future struggles, especially related to the environment. And I remember feeling great sadness and guilt about bringing children into the world after the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City. At other times, too, but that one really hit me in the gut and heart.
I always wondered why people worry about bringing children into the world because supposedly future is going to be harder. I think each generation has it easier than the generation before. We have emails, internet, google map…to keep us closer to our loved ones, and to perform many manual work we used have to do. I don’t have to ever leave my apartment if I don’t want to. I believe my quality of life in my old age is going to be so much better than my parents. I eat better food, have more access to better medical care, have more information at my disposal than the generation before. I was on FA for college and my kids are full pay kids without any debt at graduation. So I say they have it better than me.
I only ever wanted to have 2 kids because that’s what I could afford emotionally and financially. My kids have given me the greatest joy in life. I don’t keep my opinion to myself and am quite vocal about it, if my girls should decide not to have children I would be very disappointed in them. They have been given quite a bit, so I think it is their obligation to pay forward. If they should decide not to have children they would be robbing themselves of the experience and it would be a selfish act.
One disadvantage of having one child is that he prefers to spend holiday time with his g/f’s family. The g/f is very close to her twin and her brother. I was happy he came to see me before flying out to her family. (& this family invited me out one year.)
My cousin, who is 3 months younger than I, would loudly proclaim that she didn’t want kids. She had all the typical reasons: little interest, life is hard enough, too busy, too expensive, career-minded, fear of pregnancy, etc.
She and I got married within 2 months of each other. We all accepted that she wouldn’t have children and we never bugged her about it. Lo and behold, she announced that she was pregnant after being married for about 12 years. She is the most devoted mother I’ve ever seen. I’ve never asked if she regretted her decision to become her mother because I think she’d look at me like I was insane.
While people who don’t want kids should not have them, I do think that some people have a very difficult time imagining that they would love being parents. My H didn’t mind the idea of having kids, but it wasn’t a BIG priority. If I hadn’t wanted any, he would have been fine with that. However, he readily admits that he had NO IDEA that he would have such an instant, “omg, I’m in love” feeling with our first. He was so blown away from his own reaction that he wrote a lengthy message in a card he gave me in the hospital. Before S1 was born, H just assumed that he wouldn’t really have strong feelings towards the child until he was 7 or 8 years old and could play sports with him! lol
I opted to adopt because I did not want to bring another child into the world for environmental reasons. Not judging anyone; it’s what worked for me.
Sometimes the best parents are the people who spent their youths convinced that they don’t want kids. Those people tend to have fewer preconceived notions and fantasies about their future kids, and sometimes tend to be more accepting of the actual kid who is nowhere near the fantasy.
My H is the stoic type - never shows emotion. He wept at the hospital the moment I handed him our first child to hold.
There are people who neglect, abuse, or kill their children. There are people who don’t love their children. Not everyone should be a parent. It’s definitely something that should be approached with much thought and self-reflection, especially because you can’t really delegate the responsibilities once you have the child.
I think people should only become parents who truly want to be.
I wanted to have children and had two daughters. They have been the greatest loves of my life, and have brought continued joy. I can’t imagine life without them. They are my most meaningful accomplishment and enrich my life!! Both my daughters, who are currently engaged to be married this year, plan to have kids eventually.
It’s funny. CC is really not a representative group. Aside from being all parents, most us completely devoted to our kids.
That being said, I just can’t imagine why anyone, who is halfway set up for it, doesn’t want kids. To me, kids are really the reason for life. I have a good career, and I live in an amazing city, but none of that matters to me. I have had tough times as a single mom with the ordinary practical and kid challenges. But that never made me regret anything. Instead, all that stuff like travelling and nice cars just seems superficial and unfulfilling. In fact, I’ve had kind of a hard time since being an empty-nester just doing things that are enjoyable. It seems kind of empty (my problem I know…).
I never thought of having kids as an obligation though. I can’t imagine raising them if you don’t want to, but then again, its hard for me to imagine not wanting to. I do know people my age who would have been amazing parents, but never wanted to have kids. It just makes me scratch my head.
We adopted my son when I was 40, after 10 years of trying. Six months later I was pregnant with the older of my 2 daughters.
I would absolutely do it over again.
(Of course, if I was granted a do over, I would spend those first 10 years of marriage saving every penny!)
We all have things we’re good at, things that are part of who we are. For me, those things include teaching, being a wife, and being a mom. And not just anyone’s mom, but the mom of these 3 particular wonderful kids.
I waited a long time for these kids. And, while they occasionally drive me crazy, I cherish them.
I have a childhood friend who was an only child and she used to love coming to our home because we were four sisters. Funny how life turns out. I have only one child now and she now has four daughters.
I understand very well that if I had begun at a younger age to lead my life in the way I always wished, I would almost certainly not have been able to have a biological child. But that was very important to me, perhaps especially considering what happened to my mother’s family. And I have never regretted having my son, not for one second, not even in the depths of my soul. Being his parent is by far the best and most wonderful experience I have ever had in my life, and I can’t imagine life without him. Even though I know equally well how much happier I would have been in every other way if I had been in a position to transition when I was a great deal younger – as young as possible, really.
If I was running this country or world, I would mandate a parental exam and background check before people are allowed to have children. People have to pass a driver’s test, bar exam, medical exam before they are allowed to operate, not sure why people are allowed to have kids just because they are able. Of course, I am just talking to myself on this idea.