^^ For what it’s worth, we had to jump through some SERIOUS hoops (and quite a bit of money) to adopt my son. Adoptive parents are pretty thoroughly screened.
Two kids–absolutely no regrets.
Re: post #56: To be fair, you’ve set up a false dichotomy between having kids and attempting to get satisfaction from cars and travelling. There are plenty of childless people who lead rich, fulfilling and meaningful lives without kids. And there are plenty of careers/ vocations that provide the deep satisfaction of leaving a legacy – look at artists, writers, certain scientists – or leaving the world a better place.
Someone said upthread that no one plans on being a single parent. Not true. I have two children, always been single, and they were planned. I have no regrets and only wish I had more.
I have several married friends from my college days who married and have no children by choice (and thus, as another pointed out, they’d not be on CC because they have no kids). Some have step children (and often that’s been no bed of roses), but those who have no children by choice do not regret it at all. One friend has been married for 35 years, got married young, just never wanted children. She said if anything would have triggered the desire, it would have been when her sisters had children. Nope. She happily visits the nephews, hosts them at her beautiful vacation house on Hilton Head, sends gifts. No regrets. She does have a cat!
My brother has no children and I think he does/will regret it. He’s always worked with children, spoils mine to death, just loves to be around kids. His current girlfriend has 4 children and he doesn’t really like them that much. They are pretty whiny kids. If/when they break up, I think he’ll be lonely for children again. By them maybe mine will have children and he can spoil them as a ‘grandfather.’
I hope that I wasn’t the one who conveyed that no one plans to be a single parent. I know that many people do just that and are wonderful parents. I was speaking of myself; I would not have chosen to be a single parent, because of who I am and my own abilities and limits. But I’ve functioned much of the time as a single parent for several years now, and it has been hard. I don’t think that every child needs two parents, but I’m a parent who really wanted a co-parent, and I and my children lost that.
I’m a single parent of one. It would have been great if my life had worked out differently and I could have had two or three but I’m glad I have my daughter. I always knew I wanted at least one kid and I’d be miserable if I hadn’t managed it. BUT I’ve never questioned that some others are happy without kids.
Apologies if you’re the one I’m singling out with this, but this is just to give an example—this thread has had a lot of statements like
I’d argue that none of us who have children can accurately make a claim like this about those who don’t have children—if one has children, it’s actually absolutely impossible to know whether you could feel like that if you don’t have them, and it’s even more impossible to accurately know precisely what another person’s feeling, anyway.
As others have pointed out, CC is, by its nature, populated by a lot of highly involved parents (with a few non-parent exceptions—hi, @Hanna!), and that’s skewing the discussion here. Unfortunately, I worry that it’s skewing the discussion in unhealthy ways, where there’s a bit of an echo-chamber effect amongst those who are hyper-happy about having kids. Remember, there are a lot of people who are intensely unhappy about having children, and there are a bunch of people who are entirely happy about not having children, no matter how hard either of those might be for many of us to imagine.
Oh—and this: https://xkcd.com/946/ (read the tooltip)
We have couple-friends who are now 71 and 66 and they did not want children, did not have children and do not regret it. It just is not for everyone. It’s scary and the things that come to mind are mental illness, drug addiction, chronic illnesses, etc. I can only speak for myself but I was totally naive and trusting that it was the right thing. I cannot even imagine our lives without them and we had some serious challenges along the way. It was hard but I’m really happy to now have adult children. And that is NOT because I have any delusions that they are going to “take care of us”. I have told them they absolutely are not to feel it’s their responsibility.
Nottelling - I think you’re referring to my post, although is #55…
The cars and travelling comment was referring to posts upthread saying the things people without children can do, Yes you can also have fulfilling careers and leave the world a better place, but you can do that with kids too.
In any event, I was just trying to express how I felt. I know other people that I respect feel differently, I just don’t understand it. I think, for me, even a meaningful career would not be as fulfilling without kids, because kids are what makes me feel like I have a stake in the future. I know there are more altruistic souls, or maybe even religious people who feel differently, and I respect that. But for me, kids give meaning to everything. I’m not saying that’s necessarily good, but I’m just saying how I feel.
I had a lot of trouble staying pregnant. I was on bed rest for 4 months with boy that didn’t make it and I was put on bed rest at 3 months for my oldest and 4 months for each of my younger 2. That’s around a year and a half of basically doing nothing but hoping that I would still be pregnant the next day. So for me I decided 3 was it. I just don’t think I could have gone through that again. The only think I do wish is that we had started trying to have kids earlier.
Well, things have not turned out exactly as I had hoped. I love all three as much as any parent could. But my heart breaks, especially about one.
However, I would love to experience being a grandmother. Everyone I know who is, loves it. Not sure this will happen for me because as I said, see post 1, D1, 27, is thinking she does not want to have kids. She is very successful in a career the US has decided to vilify-finance, specifically trading.
D2, 25, is is not involved with anyone and never has been. Not sure why. But she has indicated she does not want biological children. She has also has issues with her cycle and I’m not sure she could get pregnant. She has expressed interest in adopting however. That would be wonderful!
S, 29, although envolved with a lovely young lady for over 2 1/2 years, is not husband or dad material at this time. Not sure he will ever be. I’ll leave it at that.
Totally agree with the posts about being a single parent. I ended up that way, is not what I wanted, and my life was very difficult at times due to being single, though home owner ship with minimal resources while single in some ways was harder than being a parent. Though in the early years the ex and I did have each others backs when needed.
The kids and I did have some very good times together, and I could be myself around them, something that was not possible in the marriage. They learned to be harder workers, and are possibly more interesting people than they might be otherwise
Unpartnered, I may have chosen to have one child. Three, no way, unless I’d won the lottery.
morrismm, your kids are still young. Many 20 year olds say no kids, and then become 35+year olds trying to have them. Since one of my kids is adopted, I know an awful lot of people who were 40+ when they married and then wanted a family, so parents at 45 and their parents grandparents at 65 or 70.
No, rosered, it was raclut who wrote “No one plans on being a single parent…”
Just saying that I did plan it and know lots of people who did too.
Two kids here. We would have loved two more, but after a very tough time conceiving our second, I guess a third was not meant to be. D is almost perfect, from the moment she was born I was in awe. S has been more challenging, but love him just the same. The thing that brings the most joy to me is how much they love each other. I know that they will always be there for each other long after I am gone. D was married recently and definitely wants children, at least two. I pray that happens for her. I would love being a grandmother. S is still young (recent college grad) and is not husband/father ready yet. I hope he will want children, but that isn’t even in a thought for him right now.
my child’s issue is in full swing at a strength of maybe 9.5 out of 1(mild)-10(severe) scale. last night I noticed my wife looking older by about twenty years than her actual age. I’m sure I look older by about that much too. I said to her that you look older because you are married to me and because of this child’s issues. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know how many combinations of scenarios I went through in my head on how to solve this or bring a closure, and there is none feasible.
Once pushed over the threshold, the brain disorder is irreversible (it can be treated but not cured), which disorder may be caused by physical impacts (concussion), chemical stimulus to the brain(drug abuse, high severe stress, severe sleep deprivation, etc.), or by genetics, but usually by a combination of these. Our both families had no prior case and so I never suspected it to be from genes. But this child has had in college a severe and prolonged stress (with severe sleep loss) and drug abuse, and maybe I gave him some gene(s) too (never know).
With 100 billion neurons in the human brain, the possible connections (axons) are infinite = 100B! (factorial) which is virtually infinite times bigger than the total number of atoms in the universe (max is 4x10^81 atoms), which is probably why humans have the concept of god because of this infinitely possible brain neural connectivity in the human brain (sorry if you are religious). But I am hopeful, over the next 100 years, that the neural connection maps become available for some crucial parts of the brain that are linked to the most debilitating brain disorders and that some actual cures become a reality.
Two kids. No regrets.
But they may regret having had my husband and me as parents.
It’s complicated for me. I think if I’d known I would have a child with schizophrenia, I wouldn’t have had kids. 
Just being honest. My 17-year-old daughter is already wrestling with this question, because she knows she has a higher chance of having at least one mentally ill child.
Have two kids and wish I had more. At the time, though, I was working full-time and my daughter did not sleep through the night until she was 2 1/2. I couldn’t imagine dealing with her and a baby and work. I did end up quitting my job and becoming a stay-at-home mom, but at that point we didn’t want to start over again with babies. Part of my regret is probably because they are both in college now and I have no kids at home.
I think many of us agree with your sentiment. It would be a hard call. When I was dating my H, his roommate’s GF confided to me that she would never marry her BF because he had 2 severely mentally-ill siblings (one with schizophrenia and one with something else.) Her concern was understandable.
The good news is that he did marry (someone else) and had two very healthy children. They are both in their late 20s, so I think it’s safe to believe that issues would have surfaced by now.
Maybe by the time your DD is ready to have children, genetic testing can give her better insight.
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strength of maybe 9.5 out of 1(mild)-10(severe) scale. last night I noticed my wife looking older by about twenty years than her actual age. I’m sure I look older by about that much too. I said to her that you look older because you are married to me and because of this child’s issues. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know how many combinations of scenarios I went through in my head on how to solve this or bring a closure, and there is none feasible.
Once pushed over the threshold, the brain disorder is irreversible (it can be treated but not cured), which disorder may be caused by physical impacts (concussion), chemical stimulus to the brain(drug abuse, high severe stress, severe sleep deprivation, etc.), or by genetics, but usually by a combination of these. Our both families had no prior case and so I never suspected it to be from genes. But this child has had in college a severe and prolonged stress (with severe sleep loss) and drug abuse, and maybe I gave him some gene(s) too (never know).
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Your story is heart-breaking. I remember your posts from a couple of years ago. Is this the same son that was considering med school?
Your mention of “once pushed over the threshold” is interesting. Do you mean that something triggered?
We certainly now know that possible long-term impacts of concussions and drug use. Stress and sleep deprivation is a frequent exposure for many of us. To think that those would trigger a serious mental illness is frightening.