@mom2collegekids about “sleep deprivation”, it probably is more a ‘correlation’ than ‘causation’, but there can very well be a causal relation too – not tested though; The recent medical study says it (sleep deprivation) eases depression: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-sleep-deprivation-eases-depression/
It (sleep deprivation – like many nights with no sleep at all) accompanies the manic phase of bipolar disorder (which will have a positive feedback – snowballing – effect because the antidepressant is dangerous to and make worse the manic phase of bipolar patients. Again, this possible ‘causal relation’ between sleep loss and bipolar illness is my conjecture, not medically proven). my child has bipolar disorder, has been in a school where kids are known to ‘never sleep’, and every single relapse (always starts in hypomanic phase) always is accompanied by no sleep.
About “once pushed over the threshold”, for the same genetic features, this is my unproven conjecture that people in manual labor have less brain disorders than those in brain-intensive occupation (based on my ancestors in agriculture, relatives, etc.). My child is the only known case in both of my family trees. The brain-intensive work while still actively growing (in college, until 26 y.o.) with excessive mental stress, drug abuse, sleeplessness, etc. will have a heightened chance of triggering brain disorder. Look at the football players or boxers with repeated head impacts. Not all with concussion develop the brain disorder, but for those who develop it, it last for lifetime. Was it because the impact to the brain “over the threshold”? I tend to think yes. Once a neurobiological disorder is diagnosed, it is lifelong.
It’s so much fun being repeatedly told how meaningless your life is because you don’t have kids. I am so glad verbally abusing me gives so many people meaning in their lives.
^^
This is a parenting thread. We are coming with a parent’s perspective so most of us will say that our kids gave meaning and purpose to OUR lives and we can’t imagine not having them. That is not any intentional denigration of your life.
I was a somewhat reluctant father. I lost my heart to my D in the first hour I spent looking at her as she held my finger. The backup/wait in the post-birth assessment clinic was the best thing that ever happened to us.
A thread on PARENTS cafe so the majority of us are parents. Ask this same question on a site in which most posters are childless and the answers will be very different.
Here, for many of us, children exist and are not hypothetical. So the question almost becomes “if you could do it again would you have (your child’s name here) again?”
It is quite a gamble isn’t it? My H has an uncle and aunt who had a lot of sorrow with their children. S1 had muscular dystrophy, S2 was born with a hole in his heart, had other medical problems and became bipolar around the time his older brother was really failing. In between were miscarriages, including a third trimester pregnancy loss. When I first met his aunt and uncle I found out they were Buddhists and I asked the aunt why (she had been Jewish, he had been Catholic). “Because I was in so much pain from my children”, was her answer. They found a way to cope.
Last year I stopped off to see the uncle with D3 who he had never met. Both sons and his wife had died by then and I’m not exaggerating to say that this uncle is one of the most well balanced and inspiring people I have ever met. You are just at peace in his presence. He has a girlfriend and is happy and no one deserves it more.
For that reason, I think it is entirely appropriate for people who are probably past childbearing age and who are childless to chime in on how it has affected their lives.
Yes, this is a PARENTS cafe but the fact that something is the COLLEGE life forum certainly doesn’t keep parents out (and, indeed, parents seem to post there as much as college students do) and this place acts as the de facto cafe because the CC cafe is pretty dead.
Wish I had a couple more. I couldn’t have done it, though, as we started so late and I was pretty exhausted when my two were little. Now, with an empty nest, it’s easy to say, “more!”
Had two “only children” (six years apart) who are launched and partnered, and am grateful every day. First, D, was a difficult baby – joked that her first sentence would be “You’re going to be an only child.” Yet she is now a devoted daughter. Second, S, got in “under the wire” as I had him when I was turning 39.
Now, as I think back, am surprised I took such a leap of faith to have kids, as there was depression/mental illness in both extended families. My heart aches for those parents dealing with such lifelong challenges, knowing their kids may never be fully independent.
So far my kids are fine, happy and healthy, with good lives and relationships. Plus, despite the age differences (and D married someone older than herself), they and their partners get along great. There is nothing like experiencing your adult children making plans with each other and their spouses independent of us parents, such a special joy.
Not to mention the additional joy of now having a grandchild.
Yet as I contemplate this question, I am amazed that I took the leap of faith to have kids – what a huge risk!
For those of you who have mentioned the risk of mental illness, I have friends who had a history on both sides of the family tree and were getting a bit old to attempt to have kids of their own. So they adopted and are very happy. Of course, adoption is not without its risks either. Most stories I have heard are happy ones but I know some folks who adopted their grandchild and the kid had severe anger issues. As he got bigger and stronger, parenting became very challenging.
But to answer the question, D1 didn’t sleep through the night until 2.5 years. I said “never again” when she was about a year old. And changed my mind soon after that and tried mightily to get pregnant again. Finally succeeded and D2 (who didn’t sleep through the night consistently until she was 3!) is an utter delight. At four years apart, they are very close with only minimal sibling rivalry.
The only thing I’d do differently would be to have started at a younger age. And asked the sleep fairy to visit them in the early days of life.
I also have friends and relatives who chose not to have children and I completely respect that choice.
“I have friends who had a history on both sides of the family tree and were getting a bit old to attempt to have kids of their own. So they adopted and are very happy.”
Gamete or embryo donation are also options for folks worried about their inherited risks.
Oldfort, here’s an example. If someone KNOWS they carry genes that put any child at risk (if they are a carrier, say for Tay Sachs or Huntingtons’s - the latter has a 50% chance for a child inheriting that fatal disease), adoption would be a much less chance of birthing a child who was fated to die of a horrible disease. Especially if it is an open adoption and the medical history for that child is known. Or an artificial insemination pregnancy from a cleared donor.
Not to say that a child with Tay Sachs or risk of other fatal disease would be unloved. My brother has a child who was born with brain cancer and is now deaf and mentally delayed as a result of the cancer, surgery and chemo. I’m pretty sure that they would have her again if given the choice, knowing what they know now, and having a healthy but impaired young adult who they deeply love.
We have two, lost one, and would have had more if it were possible (and it wasn’t – my OB/GYN was handing me #2 when she said “you can’t do this again. enjoy this moment”). I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
@raclut – if your child has grown up with someone like you, who thinks of them “as a blessing in my life”, there’s really nothing else they will need more. We don’t look back and think fondly on things, we look back fondly on the love that was given to us.