<p>Please excuse me if I sound like I’m rambling or throwing a pity party. This is long, so you have been forewarned. </p>
<p>To begin: I’m 22, a rising senior, and while I may have a vast amount of strengths and qualifications in my own field (history), I have very few skills to none at all in regards to “real life” work experience. As a result, I can’t find a stable job. And, here’s the kicker: I’m deathly afraid of finding a job outside of my current field. I know, it’s cowardice at its finest.</p>
<p>Academically, I maintain a 4.0 GPA, have completed an internship and have done extensive independent research, and have a very high reputation among my peers and professors. I am part of the history honors society, am an editor for the history department’s journal (ranked top in the nation), and so forth. I am applying to doctoral programs in history this upcoming fall and plan to become a professor upon completing my Ph.D. My online work has been followed by organizations such as the George Eastman House (the Kodak archives) and the Smithsonian Center for Education and Museum Studies. I have been listed next to periodicals such as Lapham’s Quarterly and LIFE. I know it may sound like I’m lying or embellishing my academic history, but I’m being completely dead honest. I am incredibly grateful and lucky for the amount of success that I’ve had in my own field, and I’m driven entirely by passion and sheer willpower. Essentially, I feel like I have everything going for me when it comes to academics. I have an insane amount of confidence in my own discipline, but still do my best to maintain a healthy dose of humility. </p>
<p>My work experience and “real life” experience, on the other hand, are equally pitiful. I’ve worked as a nanny for the past year, and am gradually becoming frustrated with the amount of unprofessionalism I’ve encountered among families (e.g. canceling at the last minute, promising steady work but withdrawing offers, ignoring my text messages and phone calls regarding scheduling for a week, then dismissing me, etc.). I work for several different families. On one hand, it’s a fun job and I love working with these children, but I’m exhausted and frustrated from not knowing when exactly I work, how much I’ll be earning each week, and so on. I’m paid quite well for what I do ($12/hour, under the table), but that’s only great if I have a steady work schedule (which I do not have at the moment). With graduate school on the horizon, I need to bring in much more income and more hours, otherwise (apart from hopefully receiving full doctoral funding) I have no idea how I will maintain living on my own, possibly moving across the country, and sustaining financial stability and independence. I’m pretty scared. I don’t want to lose any opportunities to cultivate my passion for studying history. </p>
<p>I have little confidence when it comes to finding work outside of independent childcare (finding a job with an agency or school is quite difficult if you’re not an early childhood education student or a liberal studies student) or in history (which lacks paid positions at my current level). I worked briefly as a hostess three years ago, but was laid off as a result of downsizing. At the time, I feel like I underperformed at the job (it was my first actual job). I’m worried that this work history will come back to haunt me, even though I can technically lop this position off of my resume. I know my lack of confidence doesn’t necessarily help with looking for a job. I think I’m mostly scared of rejection, ruthless, judgmental employers (I know, it sounds dramatic, but at least I’m being honest), and not being good and/or competent enough even for minimum wage positions. I can “fake” confidence and interview well, but I still don’t feel “good” enough. I’m rarely “rejected” in academics or as a nanny, so I think that definitely contributes to this fear. Even if I face rejection in those fields, I tend to accept it and move on. If I’m rejected for a minimum wage job, it feels like I’ve been hit by a load of bricks. I hope I don’t sound like an entitled, selfish, spoiled brat. I just wonder, why would these employers even want to hire me? They could care less about my academic achievements; essentially, I bring nothing to the table for them.</p>
<p>My family is growing increasingly disgruntled over the fact that I cannot find a “real” and stable job, and I understand it’s because they care and want me to be successful. I’m growing frustrated myself. I don’t know why, exactly, I feel so incompetent outside of history. I carry and articulate myself well, with grace and confidence, so I know many people would be shocked to find out that I don’t feel “good enough” to apply for basic, minimum wage/entry-level positions. I think, in the end, I just feel like “DO NOT HIRE HER” is plastered on my forehead when I’m interviewing with employers, writing cover letters, and filling out applications. I know I have to throw myself into this bloodbath eventually, but I feel completely held back. </p>
<p>I can’t think of anything else to add, but any advice and/or encouragement? Please don’t tell me to take this to a therapist - I’m looking for advice from my peers, as I’ve received plenty from a professional. Thank you for reading this novel of a post, I really appreciate it.</p>