<p>On yesterday I found out that my usually all “A’s” and 1 “B” son had mid 9 weeks grades of 3 “B’s” and a “C” in P.E./Health. He is 12 and in the 7th grade. After determining according to the numerical grade that he had time to better his “B’s” numerically if he wanted, I was at a loss of what to do about the “C.” He has never been into sports, although he has played on neighborhood teams before, (I encouraged it thinking it would help with socializing as he is an only child). After talking with him and having him tell me it was not the Health portion of the class. He revealed to me that he does not like P.E. because he feels as if everyone is better than him. He confessed to not trying most of the time, and on at least 3 occassions not dressing out. Now mind you, I knew that he did not like P.E. but thought that I had addressed it last year, (told him he needed to participate and dress out and he did then.). So, I told him that I was going to request a conference with the teacher because I wanted to get an understanding of what she was seeing. </p>
<p>So, long story short, I sort of knew I had a kid who was a perfectionist. I knew that I had a kid who if he could not be #1 in sports, preferred not to even attempt the games. Now I need to know, what am I to do. I told him that no one is perfect. I reminded him that I did not expect perfection, only that he do his best. He responded by saying that it was him that wanted to be perfect. What am I to do? Single mom here and would love to hear your input.</p>
<p>PE can be tough for kids who aren’t super athletic. I wonder if there is more going on than he is telling you-- ie, he is getting teased or laughed at. 7th graders are not known for tact. That might explain his unwillingness to even put on his gym clothes. </p>
<p>Short term, talking to his teacher could be helpful just to see what she thinks of the situation. Long term, I know that many schools allow kids to do independent studies in PE… ie, if he did some outside physical activity that he enjoys for a certain number of hours per week and gets it signed off, it could count as PE. All kids should be physically active, but not all kids are going to love traditional PE classes. Just thought I’d mention that in case this becomes a long term problem. It would be terrible for him to give up on exercise altogether because he’s had negative experiences; better for him to find the joy in it.</p>
<p>PE can also be tough for kids who mature late. Some 7th graders are men; others are children. Yet they are required to play together as though they were evenly matched. If your son is a late maturer, this may be part of his problem.</p>
<p>Former single mom here. This kind of issue might be better handled by dad if he’s in the picture. Boys often have issues with PE is they are less developed. They have body image problems too! If not is their a close male friend he will talk to?</p>
<p>Will he continue to take PE throughout Jr. High and high school? </p>
<p>The reason I ask is, you can treat this in two ways. First, if you and he do not care about addressing his lack of interest/ability in sports, and don’t care about getting a B or C on an otherwise spotless academic record, I’d blow it off and just try to get through the next year or two of required PE courses as best he can. Many colleges recalculate GPA, extracting PE and other electives.</p>
<p>Or you can think of this in the same way as though your son was struggling in math. You can try to address the ability issues…put up a hoop in your driveway, go outside and throw a baseball/football every evening, sign up for private lessons (i.e. “tutoring”)- tennis, golf, baseball (throwing/hitting). If he becomes good at something, he’ll probably like it a lot more. One thing I wouldn’t do at this point is sign him up for “team sports”- it will probably just make him feel worse if he doesn’t have the requisite skills to begin with.</p>
<p>When I was a little girl, my folks enrolled me in ballet and music. They didn’t feel that sports was important for a girl. Consequently, by Jr. High/high school I was a great musician, and danced with the local company, but couldn’t throw a ball to save my life. I hated PE and except for individual sports like track or swimming, I sucked. It’s a definite confidence buster. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I never learned how to throw a ball! (Too late now, my kids are both baseball players and they’ve worked and worked with me, but I still can’t.) One of the reasons I encouraged my son’s to play b-ball in the driveway, do little league, football/soccer, ride bikes, climb trees, etc, was so they would feel comfortable with the other studleys when they got into jr high and high school!</p>
<p>I guess the moral of the story is, in the long run it doesn’t really matter- I can look back and roll my eyes and laugh now…but if you can do something to enhance your son’s confidence, I would try.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your thoughts. I emailed the teacher on yesterday and then went inside the school this a.m. to set up a formal conference, as I really want to know that teachers opinion on what is going on. It may be body image, (he’s a big kid, and his chest is not yet developed into that “all male” look). He enjoys swimming, and karate, and I think he is enjoying the Boy Scout activities. I have noticed that the sports that he does like are all individual sports and not necessarily team sports.</p>
<p>Update: Just received a response to my email. She assures me that he is improving and that with 5 weeks left of school he should have no problem with getting an “A” out of the class. I am not sure how to take this. The problem is not the “A” it’s is he or is he not participating.</p>
<p>Since he’s in 7th grade, I would not worry about his PE grades, especially since he does enjoy some sports. My two Ss disliked PE. S1 was allowed to place out of PE in high school (at least for one year, if I recall) because of his brown belt in karate. S2 disliked PE period. But he was very fit (ran fast, was champion at push-ups in 8th grade, etc…) so we did not worry about his fitness. As soneone else noted, colleges recalculate GPAs and omit PE scores. However, you may tell your son that if he is interested in scholarships, selection committees usually do not recalculate, so his PE score will matter. But 9th grade is early enough to tell him so.</p>
<p>I’d be more concerned about the perfectionism. It can be paralyzing.</p>
<p>“Is PE the only perfectionism issue at this time?”</p>
<p>I talked with him and he told me that he felt like that about all of his grades. I did my best to explain to him that an “A” is not only 100, it’s 93-100. He responded by telling me that he worries that he will fail, “a lot.” We have had some interesting conversations surrounding this whole issue this weekend, and I am letting him lead me to what he is comfortable with discussing. I am thinking P.E. is the main focus right now because he has never had a grade like this before, (78 is the numerical grade).</p>
<p>Marite, that is what I am more worried about, the perfectionism. It can lead to so many problems and I would like to nip it in the bud now rather than later.</p>
<p>I’ve got a mantra. Le mieux est l’ennemi du bien. Better is the enemy of good, or leave good enough alone. Sometimes, trying to improve on good enough actually makes things worse, like putting an extra card on a house of cards and making the whole edifice collapse.</p>
<p>I know a perfectionist who tried to do too much and landed in the college infirmary. It’s a miracle that she managed to get out in time for final exams and do well in them, but she learned her lesson about trying to do too much and doing everything to perfection. </p>
<p>As my S was very advanced in math and science, I told him he should challenge himself but only as long as he was comfortable. That meant accepting to be in the middle of the pack in more advanced courses and earning Bs and not shooting for As. If your S can only accept As, he may end up playing it safe (or not playing at all, as in the case of PE). That would be a pity and self-defeating.</p>
<p>quopoe it is impressive and heartwarming imo how you son trusts you and is willing to confide in you. Perhaps you’ve already seen this, but I was interested in seeing some materials about perfectionism. This is the first site that came up on Google, seems constructive to me, and there are many many more:</p>
<p>It sounds like you have a smart kid, and the C was not for performance in gym class, it was changing his clothes…</p>
<p>Sometimes an approach can be to “outsmart” the teachers…if you know that pretty much all you need to do to get an A in gym is change your clothes and “try” then tell your son that, that half of life is showing up…and to laugh off his foibles</p>
<p>Is he a reader? Because reading about people that you see as “perfect” but who have messed up a lot can be eye opening</p>
Was your e-mail clear, or did she just take the easy way & placate the parent with the likelihood of an “A.” Plenty of parents just want the A, and aren’t astute enough to see the possible body image/perfectionism/confidence problem. The teacher might have misinterpreted your query as a pushy parent demanding a grade change, rather than a parent wanting insight on how her son is handling PE and all the issues that accompany it.</p>
<p>Your son is at an age when sports reign supreme among boys. Those who excel, or are at least good enough to blend in or contribute, have a much easier time. I think helping him improve his coordination will carry over in his comfort level in social situations. It’s also a GREAT lesson for an obviously bright kid who probably doesn’t have to work hard in academics: Awareness that not everything comes easily. Sports is a great way to learn that at a young age, rather than being hit with that realization in an organic chemistry class in the future.</p>
<p>Just realized that your son is 12 and in the 7th grade. I have a 10 year old in the 5th. So they are the young ones. (Mine is the youngest boy in the grade.) This is because so many parents have held the boys back. So your son might be lagging behind in his physical development, which is another reason why he’s having a tough time keeping up in sports. Remind him of that fact. Maybe have him practice ball dribbling & shooting so that when his height/muscular development catches up with his classmates, his coordination has improved enough to get in on the game & make a contribution.</p>
<p>Yes. Check into Off-Campus PE. D bowled and it was terrific - she did homework in between turns. Definitely for the non-athletic minded kid. Lots of kids who don’t do mainstream sports find they can bowl. D is one. Even won some scholarship $. As for the perfectionist, there isn’t too much you can do, except to reinforce the fact that no one is perfect all the time, and there will always be someone who is better than you in any area. Also,since his grades have slipped, one of the the things theses kids do is not do anything, because they can rationalize lower grades or a failure with "I coulda if I had, but I didn’t, so it isn’t my intellect or I that failed, it was a stupid rule.) Work with him to set priorities. Help him set goals. perfectionists want to meet their goals, so it might set him back on track, but at his age, he will need guidance in so doing.</p>
<p>Stickershock…wow, I never thought about his age. He is always saying that he is younger than everyone else. He won’t be 13 until mid August, when most of his classmates will be turning 14, (just in time for 8th grade). </p>
<p>Update:
Teacher called. She informed me that he has an 84 average and not the 78, (as is posted on the school webpage). She, again, assured me that he has time to get an “A.” I told her I did not care if it was a “B,” I just wanted to make sure that he was doing his part in participating in the class. She assured me that he was and that she would be sure to contact me within these next 5 weeks if she saw a problem.</p>
<p>Oh, good. Not to worry about PE, then. But do work with him on his perfectionism. I know a girl whose mom complained that she would work and re-work and re-re-work a first draft and had to be stopped from doing more revisions. She was in 8th grade, and the school did not really give grades.</p>